Melissa & Joey s01e23 Episode Script

Going the Distance?

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
George, not the neck, not the neck.
I'm sorry, did you want more neck? Coming right up.
No.
Oh look.
The movie's over.
We missed the ending.
Wait wait wait wait.
I want to make sure no animals were harmed during the filming.
All right, no one died.
Let's get naked.
Oh, not tonight, cowboy.
I gotta work in the morning.
It's time for bed.
That's what I'm saying-- bedtime.
No no no, my bed here, your bed there.
You know what? Why don't you just explain it to me upstairs? - Hello.
- Hey George.
Hey Stevers.
Hey, man, I can't hear you over the music.
Oh, do you want to go to the Envy Lounge? Want to? Yeah.
Going to? No.
The old lady's gotta work.
I'm coming solo.
Aww.
I'm your old lady? That's so sweet.
Never say that again.
Oh, look at him go-- young, independent, not a care in the world.
This crap's gotta stop.
That boy needs a job.
I mean, yeah, it started off as a fling, but this relationship's getting serious.
You know, just because I'm looking at you doesn't mean I'm listening.
Oh, come on, Joe.
You said you liked his business idea.
So give him some pointers-- you know, businessy things.
Yeah, that makes sense, 'cause I was first in my class at businessy school.
It's not that easy, Burke.
A couple of weeks ago when George and I went over his little eco-friendly fabric thing, the kid was all over the place.
Yeah, but that's just his youthful energy.
Come on, Joe, he needs someone like you who's seasoned and wise, you know.
Be his Obi Wan.
Be his Oprah, Joe.
Be his Joprah.
I'm gonna have to say noprah.
C'mon, you know what I mean.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You want me to turn your boy wonder into a man wonder, grow him up for you.
It's what he'd evolve into anyway.
And you can help him.
And by helping him you're helping me and by helping me you're helping yourself.
It's really a circle of help.
I know the circle of help.
It's gonna come around and bite me on the ass.
Thank you.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
Do you mind? I'm trying to play "Angry birds.
" Sorry, Holly.
My bad.
Don't say "my bad.
" You're not Will Smith and it's not 2003.
Sorry, my ba-- no, it's not.
All right, the game's over.
You can put your arm around me now.
Thank you.
You know, Ryder, I think it's time to let you get to the next level.
Really? The next level? Mm-hmm, this Friday, Should I, you know, bring something? Yes.
Yogurt-covered pretzels.
My mother loves them.
Okay, great.
What? You're meeting my parents on Friday.
Yeah, of course, right.
What did you think? Ugh, get your arm off me.
So look, man, you did some really good work here.
-I think I can actually show this to people now.
So it sucks less.
Look, I want you to read through these marketing articles tonight, okay? Oh man.
Homework? Yeah, buddy.
Longo doesn't run a party school.
And your basketball team blows.
Listen, can I ask you something off topic about Mel? Run.
I'm kidding.
Semi-kidding.
What? Tuesday Mel and I would've been together for a whole month and I want to get her something special.
Well, let's see.
What's the gift you normally give somebody after you've been together a whole month? An inflatable neck pillow.
This is serious.
It's gotta be something "I'm in this for real.
" Do you think she'd like a cashmere sweater? Nope nope.
She's allergic to wool and angora-- oh, and cheap shoes.
I can get her an appointment at an allergist.
What? What if I name a star after her? Okay, that's hilarious.
A buddy of mine once gave his girlfriend one of those for her birthday.
Oh God, that poor ba-- My point is that she doesn't really like gifts that are not from this galaxy.
Plus she likes to unwrap things.
Well, I got my mom a silver locket once.
You think Mel would like that? George, you never ever give your girlfriend the same gift you just gave your mother, all right? It's just kind of a good rule to live by.
Well, then I'm tapped.
No no, wait a minute.
She does like jewelry though.
You've seen her dresser.
She's got all of her necklaces knotted up there like spaghetti.
What about this? Why don't you get her a jewelry box? That'd be a good idea.
You can even pick one out that plays music.
You could pick the song.
Yeah, I could pick her favorite song.
What is her favorite song? Don't you guys ever talk? What the hell do you do when you're together? Never mind.
The song is "Careless Love.
" Thanks, man.
I will just Google that.
Oh, whatcha googling? Porn.
Business porn.
Interesting, George.
You'll have to show me later.
We can have a study date.
Yeah, 'cause you majored in hotness.
- And minored in naughty.
- Ooh.
Remember, we eat off this table.
You don't understand.
This is not just meeting regular parents.
Holly's father's a gym teacher and all gym teachers hate me.
And her mother's the city prosecutor.
She makes murderers cry.
I'm sorry to laugh.
You don't understand.
You have to help me out or else Friday's dinner is gonna be my last meal.
Calm down.
You've got a lot going for you.
You're weak and totally unthreatening.
Parents eat that stuff up.
Thanks.
You're a terrific life coach.
Look, getting along with parents is just a matter of making them think you're something girls are not interested in.
And you're there.
Okay, I'm sorry.
That was the last one.
All right, for real, dress conservative, say "yes sir" and "yes ma'am.
" And if they ask about future plans, tell them you want to be a flight attendant.
I got it.
It's George.
He's taking me to his favorite restaurant.
The one where they give you the paper crown if it's your birthday? Hey, I'm sorry I'm late, Mel, but there's a really really good reason.
Tell me on the way.
Must have wine.
No no no, I think Joe needs to hear this too.
I got a call from one of the companies that you set me up with-- Fabrizio Sportswear.
They want to manufacture my fabric.
They're flying me to Italy sometime this week.
George, that's awesome.
Dude.
Congrats, buddy.
I did it.
I mean, you did it.
Their execs want me on the front line of this.
They may even rent me an apartment in Milan.
Whoa, hey, an apartment? Like the thing people live in? Yeah.
I mean it'll be cheaper in the long run.
Oh, well, exactly how long is this long run? I get all the details tomorrow.
It's a big conference call.
I'm sorry about dinner, but I gotta turn these visa papers in before 6:00.
It's so unbelievable.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey, thanks, man.
None of this would have happened without you.
You got it, buddy.
Well, Longo comes through again.
What do you say? I think I'm gonna kill you.
Milan? Italy?? I asked you to help him, not make him an international man of fabric.
I don't believe this.
I did exactly what you asked me to do and you're giving me the who-forgot-to-flush face.
Forgive me.
Forgive me for making your friend's dreams come true.
I liked him and he liked me.
It's not easy to find the right guy.
You're acting like this relationship is over, Mel.
It's gonna be pretty hard to hold his hand or anything else when he's in Europe.
I think you're jumping to conclusions here.
Honestly, you're having this conversation with the wrong guy.
Why don't you go talk to George? Because I'm a-scared.
Remember, when talking to Holly's parents, don't bring up politics, war, sex or religion.
What's left? Justin Bieber.
Oh, so you're meeting the girlfriend's parents tonight? Yikes, I wouldn't want to be you.
I mean, I'm sure you'll be great.
Yes, he will be.
Just calm down and repeat your mantra.
Oh, what's your mantra? I'm weak.
I'm harmless.
They love me.
Where are my yogurt-covered pretzels? They're in the bag, sweetie.
Oh no, I just panicked all over them.
We have backups in the kitchen.
Come on.
Hey, are you ready to go? I made reservations at a super quiet restaurant so we could talk.
No no no no, we need to talk now.
Ah, you want to know more about Milan.
Yes, like how long you're gonna be there or how short you're gonna be there.
They just told me I'm leaving Thursday, but they haven't worked everything out yet.
Okay, don't sugar-coat it.
It could be six months.
All right, sugar-coat it.
It could be a year.
Wow, you suck at sugar-coating it.
Look, I'm sorry, Mel.
This whole thing's happening so fast.
I'm really happy for you, George.
I'm just not as happy for us.
You know what? Come to Italy with me.
- What? - Yeah, you like shoes.
The whole country's shaped like a boot.
You're gonna love it there.
That's funny, 'cause every time you say Italy, I think Mars.
Look, George, my entire life is here, you know.
I'm responsible for two kids.
I can't just drop everything and take off.
Okay, how about this? I'll fly back on weekends here and there.
I can work on the plane-- Internet, free snacks, blankets Covered with germs from every county.
No, I tried a long-distance relationship once with Ben Brickman.
We were practically married and then he moved to Woodhaven.
- Were you guys together a long time? - Like most of fifth grade.
And then just poof-- gone.
Look at me, Mel.
Is this the face of Ben Brickman? Yeah, kinda.
I have a type.
Look, George, let's be realistic.
Italy is a million miles away.
We can't commit to this.
We barely know each other.
We've been going out for what, a month? It will be tonight.
And speaking of which, happy 30-day-versary.
What's this? Well, if I tell you, I just wasted two hours wrapping it.
I love unwrapping stuff.
I knew that.
That's why it's double-wrapped.
A jewelry box? It's beautiful.
Ah, but there's more.
Lift the lid.
"Careless love"? My dad used to sing that to me.
That's my all-time favorite song.
How did you know that? Let's just say I pay attention.
I guess you do.
This is so absolutely me.
I wasn't expecting anything like this.
Look, after the first few trips to Italy it won't seem so marslike, okay? We can make a long-distance relationship work.
What do you say? Yes, a million miles of yes.
Holly will be down in just a minute, which will give us a chance to get to know you a bit better, Ryder.
Oh good.
So you're in our little girl's English class.
What do you think of those words being taken out of "Huck Finn"? I had nothing to do with it.
I mean, I can see both sides.
What kind of answer is that? Justin Bieber.
Well, this is so nice-- everyone here getting along.
Is that your awful artichoke dip? I told you, mother, never to put that out.
I'm sorry, kitten.
Other people like it, but I'll take it away.
You told me to put it out.
I said no such thing.
Daddy, are you wearing that cologne again? No, I swear.
I threw it out.
This is just soap.
So what's for dinner? Shrimp scampi.
I hope you like it.
Mother, I had shrimp for lunch.
Fine.
I'll just go get something out of the freezer.
Ryder, we have to tell you something.
Thank you for going out with Holly.
She has been so much sweeter since she started seeing you.
Such a pleasure to have around the house.
We call you "The Holly whisperer.
" I'm just her boyfriend.
You're just her boyfriend? That's very funny.
What are you laughing about? Who was laughing, kitten? We were just talking about how much we missed you while you were in the kitchen.
Aww.
Well played.
Hey.
Hey, is next year a leap year or not? Yeah, I think it is.
Whoo-hoo! I get an extra day.
We all get an extra day, Mel.
No no no, this is the master calendar of my life for the next six to eight months.
- Oh, what are all the little stars? - Oh, those are travel days.
- And the hearts? - Oh, those are the days George and I are together.
See, red is for Toledo and blue is for Italy.
- What about the smiley faces? - What do you think? You know, it's really very simple.
If I leave work next Friday at 4:30 and drive two hours to Cleveland, I can catch a night flight to Philly, grab a cheesesteak, take a red-eye to Munich, which gives me just enough time for a quick schnitzel before landing in Milan.
Where you'll get another quick schnitzel.
I'm not done yet.
After 48 hours of I-miss-you sex-- My favorite kind-- I hop three more planes, pick up nine hours, and I'm back in time for Ryder's parent-teacher conference.
So what happens to the whole house here when you're off, you know, on Mel Burke's amazing sex race? I've talked to Ryder and Lennox and they understand that I'll miss a couple of hours here and there.
- A couple hours? - Days, whatever.
They get it.
They're cool with it.
Besides, you'll be here.
You're in charge of everything.
Oh, so that's it then? I just take control of everything-- the whole house deal, the whole kids deal? So what, am I gonna slap on a blond wig and go down to city hall and vote for you too? No, my trip weeks are recess weeks.
Look, George and I said we'd make it work.
And, hello-- proof.
Relationships are pretty tricky, Mel.
It's hard to squeeze them into little 12-hour packets of time.
- What? - All I'm saying is, you know, you can't live your life on paper.
Aunt Mel, I thought you'd be at the airport saying goodbye to George.
Oh, we said goodbye this morning and I had to work on the master calendar.
But don't you want to give him one of those big, romantic movie-style goodbyes to send him off? I hate seeing people at the airport doing those big, long, mushy goodbyes.
You know-- "Oh, look at us.
We're so in love.
We're better than you.
" Yeah, but this is your turn to actually be one of those people, grab him and give him a kiss that says, "to hell with those hot Italian models.
This is what's waiting for you back home.
" Oh my God, you're right.
We are in love and we are better than you.
I gotta go.
Oh wait, I should brush my teeth.
- There's no time.
- You're right.
You know what? There is an air freshener on the rearview mirror.
I'll suck on it.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Sorry.
Girlfriend coming through.
I just-- I just-- I have a boyfriend emergency.
George, wait.
Mel? Don't go anywhere.
Stay there.
Miss, your ticket.
I'm just here to say goodbye to my boyfriend and I have to give him, you know, the proper goodbye kiss.
Oh, honey, you don't have to convince me.
We have a whole special area just for people in love.
- Really? - No.
You're that city councilwoman, aren't you? You cut the ribbon for the new baggage claim terminal.
Don't worry, I'm not carrying my giant scissors on me today.
You can feel me up.
Would it be okay if? - That young one right there? - Yeah.
Good for you, girl.
Go right on through.
- What are you doing here? - I just came by to give you an official mind-blowing goodbye kiss.
You may experience some dizziness.
Look at that.
Aren't they sweet? Oh, y'all are a cynical group.
There's about to be some serious wanding up in here.
Ah, well, now you can go.
Now? How am I supposed to leave you after that? That's the point of it, you know, to give you something to think about.
Well, it did.
I'm thinking I shouldn't get on this plane.
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm not.
This is your big break, the chance of a lifetime.
Yeah, but I have a chance of a lifetime right here.
Milan is just a business opportunity.
There'll be another one.
Wait, you would give up Milan and everything for me? That's crazy.
Well, maybe I'm crazy.
I'm not going.
Okay, you're just a little confused because I kiss so good.
George, this is a turning point in your life.
You may not known that, but I do, because, well, I've got a few years' experience on you-- one or two.
Let's not count.
But You know, I've got my dream job and this could be yours.
And if we, you know, try too hard to keep this thing going, somebody could get hurt.
Well, what about our schedule where I fly to you and you fly to me? That'll never work.
George, you can't live your life on paper.
Don't you want us to be together? Of course.
But your project could be a big success.
And six months could turn into a year or two years.
I'm saying go.
Have your life.
And When you get back, look me up and we'll see where we are.
How about a goodbye kiss? Let's call it a till-then kiss.
Now that's what I'm talking about.
- Hey.
- Hey there.
So I figured you'd be sad after your long goodbye with George, so I made some sweet-potato gnocchi with some brown sugar and a little butter and sage, 'cause I know it's somebody's favorite.
Oh, that's really nice, but not hungry.
Oh, come on, he's gonna be back in three weeks.
It says so on your calendar.
It's the box with all the rainbows and the sparkles.
Well, there's not gonna be any rainbows and sparkles.
I let George go-- completely.
It's over.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah well, I can't just be flying back and forth to Europe on a whim because some sweet, wonderful guy likes me, you know.
I'm not 24.
I've got my life here with my job and the kids and this house.
So that's it for junior? Oh, I hope I didn't make a big mistake.
You know, what if he was the one, Joe? Who else could have found something so perfectly me? You know, some guys are just lucky guessers.
So Holly, are you gonna be joining us for dinner? - No, I have to get home.
- Oh, that's great.
Because, you know, you have-- you have parents that love you, so you don't really have to get that love here.
Do you have to write so loud? If you can't write softer, just don't write at all.
Yeah, sure, I'll just take mental notes-- very quiet mental notes.
It's like watching one of those nature shows, you know, where the lioness takes down the defenseless baby zebra.
Except it's over quick for the zebra.
- Who's been texting you all day? - Nobody.
No one.
My mother is sending you pictures of cookies? - No, stop scrolling.
- Is this her fried chicken? It means nothing to me.
She's bribing you with food so you'll keep going out with me? That's just crazy.
I need to speak with you in private.