Melissa & Joey s01e24 Episode Script

All Politics is Local

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
And now one for my granddaughter.
What former U.
senator sponsored the landmark consumer credit protection act of 1996? Was it Russell Burke of Ohio? It was.
Correct for $10.
Now, Ryder, what midwestern congressman defied the odds by being elected to the-- You you you you you.
Uh, Russell Burke of Ohio.
Before I even finished the question.
A golden boy.
You know, this has been the best three hours I've ever spent with my dad, except for the time he had that head injury while skiing.
But then he regained consciousness.
I have to say, this trip he has been supersweet.
Yeah, what do you think is up with him? Why does anything have to be up with him? Why can't a guy just come and enjoy his daughter and his grandkids without having an ulterior motive? I don't know, I'm just getting this very kind of cold, itchy feeling about him.
Okay, if that's another one of your hints about me giving you health benefits, no.
You know, I think I'm gonna tell him to forget about the hotel and stay here.
Wait a minute, back up.
Three hours without an explosion between you two and now all of a sudden he can stay here all week long? I'm barely gonna be here.
I mean I've got council hearings every night this week on that railyard thing.
How nice, you get to be downtown at fancy hearings and I'm stuck here at the house senator-sitting.
Oh, come on, Joe.
Let him stay.
You're really so cute the way you act as if I actually have a say in this.
No more wine for me.
Big drive to the hotel.
Especially since I have to take the long way around to avoid the sobriety checkpoints.
Daddy, about that, I was thinking that maybe you could-- Why I'd be delighted to stay here.
Oh, before I even finish the question.
Well, I'm a golden boy.
Car's outside.
Two Louis Vuitton bags in the trunk.
I'll tell the bellman.
- It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me.
- So how's the wife, senator? - Who? Oh, she's, um-- she's fine.
You might think twice if "60 Minutes" asks you for an interview.
Look at this.
Look at this.
I got three poems published.
How'd you get three poems on that itty-bitty phone? It's the school literary blog.
And I'm the only person who got that many in.
Wow, that's great.
Let me see.
"Dead leaves, dead heart," "waiting for the end," "blood is the new black.
" Wow, I'm so proud and possibly worried.
I like to work dark.
Yes you do.
Nice going, honey.
Back in my day this was called a mom problem.
Oh, that's me.
So glad you called.
Yeah, I can't talk right now.
Wow, look at the time.
Hey, I'll see you all later on.
Where you headed, Russell? Out and about, Joseph.
Out and about.
Hey, when my father is in town without my mother it's never a good idea to ask where he's going.
Got it.
Because the answer will not always be family friendly.
What part of "I got it" was not clear? Well, it's just that he has a tendency-- Joe? It's okay, keep talking.
This is like a huge turning point in your life.
No it's not.
It's just a text.
No no, it's a huge text.
I'm gonna take a picture of you reading it.
Aunt Mel will understand how big this is.
This is enormous.
This is epic.
- Go.
- I got a text.
Shut up! So what are we freaking out about? There's this girl at school-- Jade Gillis.
No, she's not just this girl.
She's the girl.
She's popular among the masses.
Oh, so why is she texting you? I mean, why is she texting you? Because she wants to be a singer-songwriter.
Yeah, and she read my sister Lennox's poems on the blog.
And now she wants s my sister Lennox to help her write her lyrics.
This is amazing.
And Lennox is gonna say yes.
Only because it would be so wrong to discriminate against the populars.
Oh good, it's about time someone stood up for the well-liked glamorous people.
Quick, text her back before she asks some other artsy freak.
Okay, fine.
Oh my God, Jade Gillis is gonna come over to my house.
What am I gonna wear? We ought to be able to able to decide what to do with city property without interference from a bunch of soccer moms.
No offense to any of you female ladies.
Look, Stephanie.
I see dead people.
But seriously, if he's the best their side's got, Friday's vote won't even be close.
Toledo has plenty of outdoor space.
What we need is a parking lot, not a lot of parks.
- Do we have to stay for this? - Yes, I have to show respect.
Doesn't his chin look like a butt? Yup.
- Hey.
- Package for senator Burke.
You mean councilwoman Burke? No no, senator Russell Burke.
Sen-- Oh, that's from city hall.
- I'll take that to him.
- No no no, he needs to sign for it himself.
- It's confidential.
- Absolutely.
Of course it's confidential.
That's why they gave it to you, because they trust you.
As a matter of fact, I was just talking to your boss yesterday about you.
Um, help me out with his name.
It's just so hard to pronounce.
Councilman Walken.
Wa-walken, yes.
Yes, and this is about the-- I'm drawing a blank here.
I haven't had my coffee yet.
- Plans for the railyard.
- Yeah, shh.
Don't say that out loud.
Get in here.
All right, show me.
I never leave the drive-thru without making sure my fries are in the bag first.
You know what I mean? Let's see what's going on here.
What have we got? Okay, "Proposed parking lot plan.
" "Talking points for senator Burke.
" Exactly what I was suspecting-- Uh, expecting.
Very nice work, son.
Thank you.
- So can you have him sign for it now? - Absolutely, of course.
Have I ever let you down? Have a very nice day.
Oh, hey there, Russell.
Oh, that package came for you.
Interestingly it's from councilman Walken.
Is it? Well, thank you, Joseph.
Quick question there for you, senator.
Are you by any chance working for the other side? The side that's against your daughter? Joe, I have a question for you.
Is there anymore of that sweet lasagna you whipped up for us last night? You know, senator, your daughter thought this pleasant visit was just a pleasant visit.
You really need to tell her the truth.
You know what the truth is, right? It's that little thing you like to dance around.
Anybody home? - In here.
- Now's your chance.
You're like a dog with a bone, aren't you, Joe? - Yes I am.
- Hey, daddy.
Hey, little girl.
I've got to run.
- I got a rendezvous at the Hyatt.
- I don't need to know.
Mel, actually this time you might want to-- - You heard her, Joe.
Respect the lady.
I'll see you both at dinnertime.
You know, I guess I just had to grow up and get over my crap just to see how charming my father is.
Guess that depends on what your definition of "is" is.
Hey, Mel, I need to tell you who your father is actually meeting with right now.
As long as it's none of my high school girlfriends, I'm okay.
No, he's actually going to the Hyatt to meet with councilman Walken.
I think they're in bed together.
Okay, please tell me that by "in bed together" you mean he's actually having sex with councilman Walken.
As nice as that sounds, no such luck.
Oh my God.
Russell is the expert witness they're bringing in.
I thought that was a bluff.
This is bad.
My dad can do real damage.
Why? Who cares what he thinks? Hello, in this city he's beloved and adored.
He's bedored.
I mean, who comes purposely to their daughter's work to make her look bad? Are we playing that game again where every answer is Russell Burke of Ohio? Look look, he's just one of those guys who can separate family and business.
He's like a mafia guy.
He can bite the ear off someone in the afternoon and come home and kiss his children with the same mouth.
Okay, putting aside for a second how odd your upbringing was Things were going so great.
We were close.
We were affectionate.
We were bonding.
I'm gonna kill him! Yeah okay, you know what? As good of an idea as that may be, let's just put a pin in that for a second and see if we can come up with something a little less murdery.
Look, if you want to confront him, you have to do it his way.
- And if you start ranting-- - I do not rant.
Yeah, okay.
All right, but let's just say the world were to spin backwards and you did happen to rant.
He would dismiss you as a hysterical little girl, okay? Look, this is business.
You need to be calm, cold.
Very very Russell, if you, you know, think that you can do that.
Oh, I can do that.
But back to the ranting thing, okay? I do not rant.
I mean, sometimes maybe I get a little excitable and I might rattle off a list of grievances, concerns, observations in a very enthusiastic manner, but that is not ranting.
I mean, I don't-- where are you going? I'm gonna listen to you while I go pick up the kids.
I don't find this amusing.
Shoes and purses, shoes and purses thank you, God, for shoes and purses - shoes and purses-- - Okay.
I see where you're going with that.
But maybe tap into a more painful time in your life.
And I don't mean when the shoe stores are closed.
Tell you what, how about I just jot a couple things down? Yo, Lennox.
I'm gonna go to lacrosse practice with my boys from the lacrosse team over at the lacrosse court.
Jade, right? I'm Ryder.
Is your nose bleeding? Oh my God! Okay, how about this? How would I sing this? You carved your initials on my wounded heart you left scars that won't heal and now we're apart don't think you can come back and reclaim your prize it's over, I'm done a long list of goodbyes.
Wow, your little tweaks really helped.
Yeah yeah, you know, some littte tweaks and some bigger tweaks.
I could so sing this at my party.
You should come.
Would you come? Oh, let me think about it.
Oh, could you be my bestie and get me a hot cup of tea? Sure.
Hey, I couldn't help but overhear how untalented your friend is.
No no, she's just really, um Popular? So what's the deal here, Lennox, huh? What, you're gonna rewrite all of her songs and she's gonna allow you to get her some tea and maybe even invite you to one of her parties? It's not like that.
Okay yeah, it's pretty much just like that.
Hey, I've only been at this school a few months.
- I'm trying to make friends.
- Make sure it's herbal! I'm sorry, did you say friend or tea bitch? Hey, pumpkin.
You're up late.
Well, you know, you need to do a lot of extra work when the other side is bringing in the hotshot ringer senator who is staying at my house and standing in my kitchen as we speak.
Need I go on? Something on your mind, darling? You could have told me.
What, are you gonna run upstairs now, slam the door and throw yourself on your canopy bed? No no no, my sister was the one with the canopy bed, not me.
But that is ancient history because I am calm, cold and steely.
And simply curious why you would deliberately work against me.
It's just politics.
It's my job.
But-- okay.
Oh, come on.
Just let it out, honey.
You know you're gonna feel better after a good cry - and a little ice cream.
- Okay, I'm not doing that.
Oh, hey.
I was just, um Realizing that I should have gone to bed thirsty.
Okay, no no no, Joe.
Joe, come in here.
- No no.
I just want to-- - Yeah, no no no.
Listen, my father was just about to say something about his failure to disclose why he's really here in town.
Yes I was.
Mel dear, I'd just like to say that I am so so very sorry that you're upset about something I might have said or didn't say.
Well, good night, everybody.
- What was that? - It was an apology.
No it wasn't.
It's the best you're gonna get from that guy.
Look, you stood up to your old man.
You held your ground.
Mission accomplished.
Are you kidding? That was terrible.
- And where were you this whole time? - Supporting you From downstairs where it was safe.
Well, this was your idea, me being calm, cool and steely.
- You told me you could do it.
- Why do you believe me? I mean, I can't do those sorts of things.
I have my own methods.
Ice cream? Really? Leave me alone.
It's a cliche because it's true.
Of course we need sports fields for children.
Everybody wants that.
I want that.
Look at that.
He's sucking us in by appearing to agree with us.
He's hypnotic.
You will awaken now.
But the people on this council have to be the grownups and make the grownup decisions.
Now parking lots may not be sexy, but they pay for the schools and the libraries and yes, even the soccer fields.
And we will have those in the fullness of time.
But first things first.
And now, speaking for the other side, the daughter.
You know councilwoman Burke.
Isn't it nice to hear from senator Burke again? Takes us all back, way back.
But let's talk about the future which hinges on jobs, jobs filled by people with families.
And why will these people choose Toledo? Because it's a good place to live.
Not because it's a good place to park.
Well, I've read all your new songs.
I tried writing about my pain.
Yeah, I saw the one about getting your ears pierced.
Listen, Jade, it's been great sitting at your table with you and Alexa and Madison and all the Ashleys and going to your parties.
And I know being as popular as you are people may not always tell you things like, you know, the truth because they like where they sit.
But, Jade, your songs are Promising? Moving? God-awful.
I'm sorry, but they are.
There's nothing in there.
Wow, Lennox.
That took a lot of guts.
I think you're the first person that's ever been honest with me.
I'm not coming to your parties anymore, am I? Oh no.
And the lunch table? Forget about it, right? Until the day I stop wearing shoes.
It's a shame 'cause you're a really good song tweaker.
Yeah, I actually enjoyed it.
Maybe we can work out another arrangement.
Like what? I could pay you.
My family's loaded.
No no no, I couldn't take your money.
Whoa whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let's-- let's-- let's hear the woman out.
Hi, Joe Longo.
We didn't get a chance to meet the other day.
I actually represent Lennox.
So with the initial payment, that's very easy to hammer out.
What we want is a very large piece of the international rights and the royalties.
Okay, but I get to wear a pink dress on the album cover.
I'm gonna have to think about that.
We are going to own her.
- Councilman Sanchez? - Aye.
- Councilman Walken? - Nay.
The measure approving the Toledo railyard soccer fields passes by a vote of five to two.
I did it! I did it! I mean, for the children of Toledo.
Wow! I thought we were going down, like total Titanic.
Well, I guess I should go talk to my dad.
You know, be a good sport.
If I didn't know you better, I'd think you ducked out after the vote to avoid me.
No no, it's just that this here is the only four square feet in Ohio where a man can still smoke a cigar.
It puts hair in the lungs.
Not tonight, honey.
- So you're okay? - Sure.
Why wouldn't I be? All right then.
Dinner's in an hour.
Why didn't you call me? I was only the chairman of the damn appropriations committee.
I sure as hell had something to offer about a little soccer field in my own home town.
Why didn't you ask your father for help? I guess I was afraid you would take over.
You know, I wouldn't be councilwoman Burke.
I'd just be senator Burke's daughter who has to call her daddy when she's in trouble.
All I'm saying is I could have helped you.
Daddy, I won.
Five to two.
With me on your side it would have been seven to nothing.
- What about Walken? - The man's putty.
A night on the town with me, I could have him voting for the communist party if I wanted.
You know, dad, you did help me.
Did I? Yeah, you think my closing speech came out of thin air? That was years of listenenig to Russell Burke.
I rip you off all the time.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You got my silver tongue and your mother's good looks.
And my good looks.
That's a deadly combination.
You worried I may outshine you someday? Constantly.
Ah Congratulations on your win, pumpkin.
Like father like daughter.
I should have called you.
I didn't realize I was hurting you.
Oh pshaw.
I'm not a little girl.
I don't get my feelings hurt.
Of course you don't.
Hey, you know what these are? Ice cream for old dudes.
Hey, do these things keep? Can I leave this in the freezer till later? - Is that a Cuban? - Yeah.
You want it? It's all yours, if you agree you were wrong.
Okay, I was wrong.
About what? You said that Russell was cold and rational and the only way for me to deal with him was to leave emotions out of it.
- Yeah? - Well, it turns out that underneath that hard shell of macho denial there's a big gooey emotional center.
He was hurt that I didn't ask for his help-- genuinely hurt.
Wow, he's good.
What do you mean? He won you back using the emotional card.
You don't want to play it, but if you have to then you've got to throw it.
It's like a third-degree black belt move.
Very few guys can even pull it off.
You are so completely full of it.
I mean, men have emotions and sensitivities.
Most men.
I mean, clearly not you.
You're really kind of sad, Joe Longo.
That's kind of harsh, Burke.
I mean, I'm the one that actually wanted you to reconnect with your father in the first place.
As a matter of fact, seeing you go through all this with your dad sort of reminds me of stuff that I went through with mine.
I'm really, uh It's just too painful.
Joe, look, I take it back.
I'm sorry.
I know you were just trying to help.
Third-degree black belt.