Melissa & Joey s01e29 Episode Script

Do As I Say, Not As I Did

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Lennox, I love the dress.
You have great style.
Thank me very much.
Okay, now onto footwear.
Remember, the dance is semiformal and I don't want to look like I care about much.
'Cause you don't.
I mean clearly you don't.
All right, shoes.
Do the leg thing.
Ready? Retro ironic.
Hipster badass.
Ironic and badass.
Why can't women pick out clothes for themselves? Because you can't say, "Oh my God, you look so cute" to yourself.
All right, which shoe is more uncomfortable? - Combat boot.
- Combat boot it is.
Makes you wonder how soldiers dance.
All right, show me sweaters.
Oh, I already decided.
No! All on your own? I thought you needed two keys and a secret passcode to deploy a sweater.
This one for at night and this one for in the morning.
In the morning? I-I-I thought this dance ends promptly at 11:00 P.
Yes, but afterwards there's an all-night party that lasts-- you're not gonna believe this-- all night.
It doesn't say it on the flyer.
"All-night party.
" - It's right there on the flyer.
- Yeah.
He just missed it.
How come I didn't know about this? Well, I guess because I don't love the lecture so much.
I don't lecture.
I inform.
I guide.
I instruct.
You bore.
You bully.
You blah.
Oh, I need to show you earring options.
Did you go in my jewelry box again? Actually, never mind.
You know, Burke, sometimes I think you intentionally withhold information from me just to piss me off.
I do not do it to piss you off.
I do it to make me laugh.
Oh, you look so cute in that.
I guess you're stuck with me.
So you're really okay with Lennox - going to this All-night party.
- Yes, I am.
And you're aware that you've just given her a blank check to go have sex? is that what I've done? It doesn't say anything about that on the flyer.
It doesn't? Are you sure? Let me-- I could have sworn I saw that somewhere.
Look at that, see? You just missed it.
It's hard to believe Lennox doesn't want you in her social life.
I just want to make sure somebody's on top of this.
Yeah well, don't worry.
She and I talk about this stuff all the time.
Really? You talk to her about having That? Yes we do because teenagers have sex.
Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Are you done? Sex! Done now.
Anyway, I know that Lennox is not ready for that.
- Really? How do you know that? - She told me.
Oh, she told you.
Oh well, I feel so much better now.
Come on, Mel, when you were her age did you ever lie to your mother? Oh yeah.
Yeah, but only when we talked.
Look, I am not Lennox's mother.
She and I are really close.
I trust her.
There's someone else in the equation.
The guy taking her to the dance.
- I don't know if I trust him.
- You know nothing about him.
I know he's a teenage boy.
In my mind, that's enough to convict.
All right, his name is Brendan Flynn.
She's told me all about him.
They've been going out for four weeks now and believe me, he's not a bad boy.
After years of training, I finally developed badboydar.
it's my superpower.
What do they flash up in the sky for that? It doesn't stop crime but it comes in very handy when there's a teenage girl in the house.
Hey, guys.
We're going up to my bedroom with Holly and Charlotte.
Hey, if you guys are gonna make a lot of noise up there, shut the door.
Got it.
Burke, you just let a teenage boy go upstairs with two girls! - It's Ryder.
- Oh yeah, you're right.
Oh, excuse me, Charlotte.
I think my boyfriend wants to sit next to me.
Oh sure, Holly.
How about if I just sit in the middle of the seat you assigned me? Each study group will make a presentation on the significance of the title of their assigned novel.
I already googled about "Human Bondage.
" Not a lot of stuff about the book.
The title says it all.
Phillip is held prisoner, a kind of bondage, by his love for Mildred.
I don't know why he stays with her.
She's so cruel.
Yeah, you wonder what the poor guy-- Oh, he's a wuss.
Mildred is just trying to help him shape up, be a man.
- Isn't that correct, Ryder? - I disagree.
Excuse me? I just think Mildred is unredeemable for the way that she abuses Phillip.
Charlotte, would you be a dear and get us all something to drink? - Thank you so much.
- Oh, okay.
You know, I think Charlotte is a great addition to our study group.
Yeah, it's too bad we're gonna have to let her go.
What? Did you see the way she attacked me? How are we gonna explain to her that she's out? Just break it to her gently.
You know, like when you pull off a band-aid slowly so it doesn't hurt.
I think that makes it hurt more.
Does it? Hey, Brendan, you gonna stay for dinner? - You want me to put a plate out for you? - Wish I could, miss Burke.
But my mom has to work late so I need to cook dinner for my little brothers.
Well, aren't you responsible? Be nice if some people in this house started doing more things for themselves.
Joe, I want dinner! Where the hell is that guy? Well, I'll see you tomorrow night.
And try not to look too beautiful.
- It's not fair to the other girls.
- Oh, shut up.
And we're off to a good start.
You're Brendan, right? Yes sir.
You must be Joe.
Yes I must, at all times.
You know, somebody was calling you about dinner.
Yeah, that's not really your concern, son.
So you're the guy taking Lennox to this dance, huh? So what kind of dance do you like? You like fast dance, slow dance, what? - Um, fast dance, sir.
- It's a good answer.
Why don't you show me a few moves? - Wait, really? - Yeah.
Up up up up.
Let's go, come on.
Um You can sit back down now.
Thank you.
Look, I just want to make sure that after this all-night party Lennox is returned to this house in the same condition that she left.
- Got it? - Yes sir.
I think so.
No no no.
You don't think, all right? You just do.
Or in this case, you don't do.
Are we clear? - Very clear.
- Good.
Now look I'm gonna punch you in the face twice.
You ready? Okay.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not gonna punch you in the face.
Well, I may punch you in the face, but why don't you just go home, okay? You should be over there at the meeting.
They need you.
Look, I got the city controller and the transit leader in the same room together with no sharp objects and a doughnut sampler.
It'll be fine.
We're four hours away from a strike deadline.
Things are getting critical.
This is criticaller.
Lennox needs lipstick.
The semiformal is in a couple of hours and she's counting on me to bring home the right shade.
And if I mess this up she'll never let me run errands for her again.
Fine, what are we looking for? She said she wants the color of bubblegum.
Gross, but actually helpful.
Crisis averted.
So tell me about the guy she's going with.
Oh, Brendan's a sweetheart.
He's got brown hair.
You know, nerdy cute.
Very responsible.
In fact he looks a lot like that boy over there.
Wait, actually that is him.
- The one buying condoms? - Uh-huh.
He is responsible.
Lennox, I need to talk to you right away! Nothing important! Lennox is not here, Mel.
She had to run out for some last minute dance-related emergency.
And then I sort of tuned her out-- self-preservation Well, I got her the lipstick she asked for.
And while I was at the drugstore, funniest thing in the world-- well, you know, not funny ha-ha, but funny weird-- I saw a teenage boy buying condoms.
What's funny about that? Uh, the funny part is that is was Brendan.
That is funny.
He's a dead man.
I mean boys buy condoms all the time, right? 'Cause they think they're gonna get lucky, but I know Lennox and-- and-- and I know Lennox.
And clearly Brendan wants to get to know Lennox too.
- Do you always have to go there? - I'm a guy.
I don't have to go anywhere.
That's where we live.
- So you're not worried about this at all? - No, not at all.
Not at all after the talks I've had with Lennox.
I mean, if she was planning on doing something tonight she would have told me.
Did she by any chance mention where she was going? Oh, a text from Lennox telling me what she's doing.
"Back soon.
At the salon.
Getting waxed.
" Okay, so let's just recap, shall we? The boy is out buying condoms and the girl just finished getting waxed.
Sure you're not worried about this? When you put them in the same sentence, of course it sounds suspicious.
- How else can you put it? - It could mean all kinds of things.
This thing you're doing right now, is this partial denial or is it just total denial? Total.
When I make a choice I am all in.
Joe, what do we do? I don't know.
Why are you asking me? I'm not the one who had all these deep amazing conversations with Lennox about boys and girls and, you know, all-night parties.
Look, there may have been some things that I didn't cover in my talks with Lennox.
When I was in high school at my first all-night party I had s-e-x.
Did you mention that to Lennox? No, I didn't think I had to because, you know, Brendan seemed so sweet.
Of course he seemed sweet.
I was sweet at that age.
That's what we're supposed to do, be sweet when we meet the parents.
So you think he's pressuring her? Let's see, a hormonal teenage boy with a pocketful of condoms Nah, you know, probably not.
The dance is in an hour.
I've got to talk to Lennox.
Okay, I'm just gonna have to organize my thoughts, you know, clearly and concisely.
And so you're having a glass of wine? Wine organizes me.
Mm, hey, honey.
You're home.
I'm running late, Aunt Mel.
I've got to get ready.
No no no, let's talk.
Did I ever tell you about my first all-night party? I'd love to hear it, but I don't have all night.
I only bring it up because, well, you know, at these kinds of events things happen with boys and girls and certain pressures.
Oh, I got it.
See, look at us communicating.
Keeping it real.
Somebody will bring alcohol.
"Hey, let's go for a ride.
" Don't worry.
I'm not going to drink and my friends and I are taking the bus.
That's good.
That's good.
But, well okay.
- Brendan seems like a sweet guy.
- Oh, he is.
Damn! All right.
You know what? Just stay here.
More to say.
Mel, guess who wanted to come over? - Dale, Phil.
- Burke.
Nice place.
This looks like a no-shoe house.
No no no no.
Please leave them on.
Um, so what brings the city controller and union boss to my house so uninvitedly? Please tell me it's just to use the bathroom.
You don't let me use the bathroom.
The negotiations broke down and the only person they'll talk to is you.
Oh man, bad timing.
- Aunt Mel, I've got to get dressed.
- Don't leave yet.
You can stop the strike, Mel.
You can be a hero.
You could come out of this with a dog park named after you.
All right.
Boys, let's take this into the kitchen.
Better get more than a dog park out of this.
I think that's why the author has Mildred die in the end, so Phillip can find true love.
Oh, you're right.
That's great.
I don't know if you should write that down.
What if Holly sees that? She'll know we're working together, won't she? No, it's okay.
I'll tell her I came up with it on my own.
I've got this whole thing with Holly under control.
Oh my God, Ryder! Are you two studying? No no.
No, we were making out.
Yeah, with our tongues and everything.
You were not.
These books are warm.
And are those notes? Charlotte, I'd like to speak to my boyfriend in private.
No, Holly, I'd like to speak with you in private.
What has gotten into you? English literature has gotten into me.
I thought we both agreed she was out.
No, one of us agreed.
Charlotte is really good at English and she can help both of us on this presentation.
And if you weren't so stubborn, you'd realize that.
Are you standing up to me? Yes, Mildred-- Holly, I am.
Well, fine.
I suppose your grades could be better.
Oh my God, she bought it.
What do you think? It's a semiformal dance so formal Semi.
You look beautiful.
I don't know if you need to look that beautiful though.
I mean, can't you put on a poncho or a housecoat over that or something? - See you in the morning.
- Wait a minute.
I think your Aunt Mel wanted to talk to you before you left.
- We talked already.
- You did? Yeah yeah, "Lennox, did I ever tell you about my first all-night party? "Boys and girls, resist pressure, blah blah blah.
" - She covered all the bases.
- Oh, okay.
Good then.
Well, have a great-- semi great time tonight.
Not too memorable.
Okay, so we maintain pensions at last years' levels but no rollbacks.
And it's a joint press conference so nobody caved.
It's win-win.
Are we agreed? - Yes.
- Okay.
All right, then if there aren't any other issues I wouldn't mind that last piece of lasagna.
I called that! You serious? I'm sitting right here.
All right, guys.
Let's say you do this together.
Dale, you cut it in half.
Phil, you pick your piece.
You're amazing.
You're the king Solomon of pasta.
Stephanie, think you can handle the rest of this? You can count on me.
I've dealt with these types before.
No, I just meant run the dishwasher.
There's like a million buttons on that thing.
I'm stomping out fires left and right.
Next up-- Lennox! She already left for the dance, Mel.
What? But we didn't get to finish our talk.
Yeah you did.
She said you went on forever.
It sounded like you.
I did not.
I barely got started.
Wait a minute.
So you didn't say anything to her about Brendan and his little pocketful of fun? No, and now it's too late.
You know, I can't go to the dance or the party and embarrass her.
That's something a mom would do.
She'd hate me forever.
Yeah, well, you know we can't have that.
- I'll go.
- Whoa whoa, Joe.
- What are you planning to do? - I don't know.
Take him shoe shopping.
What do you think? Joe, come here.
Sit down.
All right, when you tell a teenager not to do something she does the opposite, often on her parents' bed.
And then again in the pool house.
I'm just guessing.
Is that your plan? Just sit here and do nothing then? No.
Sit here and do nothing until we think of something.
Where's my glass? Hey, psst.
Is this Tara Glazer's house? Is that the all-night party? - Are you the cops? - No, I'm not the cops.
Yeah, that's the house.
Cops are bound by wimpy anti-torture laws.
And now we wait.
You know what everyone in there is saying? "Your nanny is outside.
Did he bring your binky?" - Joe, what are you doing here? - Nothing.
Just making sure that Brendan knows that I'm out here.
You know, an arm's length away.
Or in his case, maybe a broken arm's length away.
What do you think is going on here? Look, earlier this afternoon several eyewitnesses saw Brendan in the drugstore making an adult purchase.
Hey, Lennox, is it naptime? Can we talk about this in the car? Yeah, that's why I brought it.
You obviously have more to say, so let's hear the big long speech so we can get on with our lives.
Okay, don't have sex.
You gonna get to the point? I'm just trying to look out for you here, okay? And I don't think that Brendan is.
You see, us guys, we just go, like, on impulse.
You know, we just get a thought, we plow right through without even thinking about things.
You mean like you showing up here? I'm a grown-up.
I don't need to think.
Joe, why are you doing this? Because I'm concerned and a little worried.
About what? Nothing was gonna happen tonight.
- How do you know? - Because I decided.
It's not about what Brendan wants; It's about what I want.
Girls have that power, you know.
I mean, I always knew that they did.
I just didn't realize that you knew that.
Although I'm happy to hear that you do.
Look, Brendan's a nice kid, but, you know, he's a boy.
- He can be managed.
- Managed? I like that.
You know, your aunt probably would have done a lot better job at this than I'm doing.
In fact, she would kill me if she knew I was here right now.
She just doesn't want you to hate her.
So it's better if I hate you? Better for everybody, yeah.
Go enjoy the rest of your night.
What was that for? The lecture.
My dad's not around to annoy me with that stuff.
I'm happy to.
By the way, you look fantastic.
I got my eyebrows waxed.
Eyebrows! Of course.
Thank God.
Oh, that was awesome.
I was right about Lennox all along.
You know, open and honest is really the way to go with kids.
Yeah, says the woman hiding underneath the blanket from her niece.
The only reason I came along was to make sure you didn't go nuts.
Quick, she's coming back! - Hey, Joe.
- Yeah? I just want you to tell Aunt Mel that my outfit was a huge hit and she did a great job with the lipstick.
- You know, if you see her.
- I'll tell her.
Be safe.
We're all clear.
- Does she know? - I don't know.
I think she did.
I mean, "if you see Aunt Mel"? What does that mean? Get down, she's coming back! Psych.
You're so easy.
Get me home.
Do we have any aspirin or morphine or something? My back is killing me from being all scrunched up hiding in the back seat.
I thought a woman of your life experience would be used to the rigors of backseat gymnastics.
Yeah, well, it's been a while.
And now they have those cup holders.
Here you go-- another problem solved with American pharmaceuticals.
Is Ryder here? Hey, Holly.
'Sup? I baked you a loaf of banana bread.
There's no nuts in it, is there? No, it's just the way you like it.
Great, I'll put it next to the muffins that Charlotte made me.
- She did what? - Talk to you later, Holly.
- I got some stuff.
- No, but you-- Dude, I made those muffins.
Yeah, I know.
- Our boy is growing up.
- Yeah.
It'll be a long time before he has girls up in his room again.
- Oh, damn straight.
- Yeah.