Melissa & Joey s01e30 Episode Script

The Settlement

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Aw, Ryder.
You're crying.
And you said you didn't like Sandra Bullock.
No no, I'm not crying.
It's a drip from the ceiling.
Honey, it's all right for a young man to express his emotions in front of his aunt.
You know what? Sit here in the sad seat.
I don't know what that's going to prove.
Hey, holy crap.
The ceiling's dripping.
Where is that coming from? That leak.
Just a guess.
You guys want me to Google a plumber? No no no, if I call a plumber, Joe's gonna get bent out of shape.
You know, "Burke, it's just a little drip.
What, are you gonna call some slob with a truck and a hairy crack?" "Burke, let me do it.
Save you money, better job, no crack, everybody's happy.
" Not bad, Len.
But, you know, you got to be more smug.
I'll work on that.
Hey.
Joe, hey hey, remember that little leak behind the tub that you said was nothing? Well, now it's something.
Can we call a guy? Call a guy? You got a guy right here.
I'll save you money, I'll do the job, look great doing it, everybody's happy.
I could never be that smug.
I guess you're wondering why I'm all dressed up.
Hmm, could you sense our interest by the way we didn't ask? And I'm sure you're intrigued as to all the secret phone calls I've been getting lately and why I've been acting so mysterious.
Nah, we thought it was just another one of those women you're ashamed of.
No, I actually just came from meeting with a judge Reuben biddle.
He's the guy who's overseeing the bankruptcy and the general wreckage of Scanlon Financials.
Joe, if I close my eyes during this story, trust me, I'm still listening.
Well, now it can be revealed.
Some of the lost money has been found in overseas accounts-- $50 million worth.
Is that what's in the briefcase? Yeah.
It's all right here, buddy.
In quarters.
No.
Look, the point is that legitimate stockholders of Scanlon Financial are entitled to a percentage of the proceeds.
- How much? - Well, after taxes, it's really just a percentage of a percentage, - All: How much? $167,000.
Wow, that's huge, now you can date less shameful girls.
Life-changing money.
Yeah.
Hey, that's great news.
You know, nothing bad about that.
Yay.
- it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
Here you go, America.
Joseph P.
Longo's famous four-layer lasagna, extra crispy on the edges as always.
I'm gonna miss this lasagna.
Miss it? It's right here in front of you.
But for how long, Joe? How long? Until you eat it.
Ryder, just because Joe is gonna get this incredible amount of money doesn't mean things are necesarily gonna change around here.
Right, Joe? Yeah, why would anything be different? I can think of 167,000 reasons why.
All right, you guys.
Come on.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves and imagine wild scenarios based on nothing.
We'll never see Joe again.
Really? How can you be sure? Because he's gonna quit.
I mean, that's what I'd do.
I wouldn't want to work for me.
Would you want to work for me? Um, n-- yes.
I wouldn't stop working for you no matter how much you paid me.
Go ahead, give me a raise.
See if I quit.
I knew this day would come.
And here it is, the day.
He'll be gone in a month.
I know it.
- You know, Joe always-- - No no no.
No more Joe talk, all right? This is a Joe-free zone.
From now on city business only.
Fine.
The mayor's office called to find out if-- I know Joe is hard to handle, but that's part of his semi-charm.
You know, I-- we-- the whole house has really become, you know, semi-fond of him.
Well, of course.
because our houses deep inside are just women with feelings and needs and doors? My point is how am I gonna find somebody like Joe? I mean, somebody who's that good with the kids.
That's my main concern.
Uh-huh.
So, if he's not wprking for you or living with you, do you think he might ask you out? What? Where do you get these ideas? No.
No.
I mean no.
I-- look, he's not even here and he's getting on my nerves.
This is just like Joe.
Okay, shifting back to what the people pay us for.
The mayor's gala is in a month and the invitation is for Mel Burke plus one.
And security needs to know as soon as possible.
- Who's your plus one? - A month from now? - Hey there, Joe.
- Hey.
Mel, um, we need to talk.
Talk? Yeah, about the living situation.
You know, it's been sort of going on since I moved in underneath the surface.
There's no real easy way to say this but, uh The showers you're taking are way too long.
- Showers? - Yeah, it's an old house with old pipes.
It really can't handle that kind of use.
Short showers, right.
I went to camp, I got it.
All right, so plumbing problem solved.
Good good.
Now let's talk about you and me.
You and me? Like me and you? Yeah, you know, about me receiving all this money and how you're gonna get along without me.
Yeah, well, I think I'll manage somehow.
Okay.
Well, good.
I just want to let you know I want to help you find my replacement.
Shouldn't take longer than like two weeks.
Oh, so wait.
You'll be gone in two weeks? That's pretty fast.
Well, you know, if I'm not working here I don't want to be taking up your basement, as awesome as it is.
Besides, I talked to a buddy of mine.
He says there's an open apartment in his building.
Oh, well, then you should take a look at it.
Yeah, you're right.
I probably should.
I did.
Oh, you did already.
Well, um, that's great.
- So how was it? - It's nice.
You know, aboveground.
You know how cool it is to be able to look out your window and not see ankles? 'Cause I'd forgotten.
That sounds like you've made a decision.
Well, you know, things are changing.
No reason to drag it out, right? I guess not.
Listen, I was wondering.
There's this mayor's annual gala next month and I have to bring a date.
It'd be awkward to go with my nanny, but in a month you'll be my-- well, you'll be my nothing.
Or you could be my plus one.
Whoa.
It's been a long time since I've said that.
But seriously, whoa! You know what? Forget it.
I'll just find another plus one.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
No, let's do it.
I mean, you know, 'cause actually I've been thinking about going out To the mayor's gala.
'Cause they had it last year.
It is annual.
Yeah, okay.
Well, good then.
So plumbing, moving, we covered it all.
It's all good.
Excellent.
Now I'm gonna take my clothes off.
And change like I do every day, Plus one.
Alright, smile for me.
There we go.
I'm taking pictures of all the nanny candidates.
And then the finalists we put through a little, you know, database law enforcement background check, make sure you don't have any overdue library books or, you know, killed a guy.
Got it.
Well, I hope you have an open mind, 'cause a guy can do a nanny job just as good as a woman can.
I know, man.
You'd be replacing me.
Then you know how tough it is for people like us.
No no, I'm not anything like you.
As a matter of fact, I just fell into this gig.
I was actually a big power broker at a huge financial firm.
Had a corner office, secretary, the whole thing.
Till my life blew up.
This was the only job I could get.
So, you know, take what you get and try to make the best of it.
I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be interviewing you here, right? Do you have any questions for me? Yeah, if you're not the boss, who's the boss? Uh Actually, she is.
At least she thinks she is.
I mean, you know, this is her house, but she's really just more of a figurehead.
She's not really here that much either, so it involves more than just taking care of the kids.
So what's she like to work for? Uh, you know, she's okay.
I mean, 'cause you're living here you kind of get drawn into everything.
You know, and she likes to share a lot.
So, you know, things get kind of involved.
Been there.
Call some of my references.
Very satisfied.
I had this one woman who kept me around six months after the kid left for college.
That got pretty involved.
Okay, you know what? You are shockingly gross.
Tell you what, buddy, why don't you take your resume and your references and we'll find you a nice street corner, okay? - See who drives by.
- There could be room for both of us.
Yeah, not in this house, pal.
So who was that? A pig with dimples.
I don't like any of the people in that pile.
Well, there's not gonna be anybody like you.
We've trained you.
You've trained me? Do you have any idea what you were like before? We put a lot of work into you.
And all for nothing.
It's not like I'm just gonna disappear.
Aunt Mel said you found an apartment.
I mean, why would you come back here once you move? Lots of reasons.
I've got to see Ryder's soccer games.
And, you know, I've got to scare the pudding out of all the little nerds that come here to ask you out.
You think I'd miss out on that kind of stuff? Well, what about Aunt Mel? Do you think you'll see her? Yeah yeah.
I mean, sure, I hope to.
You know, not just to help her out with her taxes like I did last year.
When I told her that she could write off her hair products as a business expense, the woman wept openly.
I'm not talking about taxes.
I'm asking if you'd ever-- Oh, look at that.
That should be Esther Tillis.
And an excuse for you to avoid my question.
Yes, it is.
All right, here we are.
Come on in.
Wow, Joe Longo's bachelor pad.
I feel honored to be the first single woman to cross the threshold.
Yeah, actually you weren't.
Oh? No, the broker yesterday was in fact single and interested and on the plus side of 70.
So are you gonna see her again? Yeah, I'm taking her out for dinner tomorrow night at 3:30.
This building have any lights? Of course it's got lights.
But no electricity apparently.
You should get some of that.
Chicks dig it.
All right, I'll put it on the top of my list.
What's in this box? It smells like Chinese food from that place near your office.
Hey, it's Chinese food from that place near your office.
Yeah, well, I knew you weren't going to be home to cook for me so what choice did I have? We'll have to do it on the floor.
Eat dinner.
Oh, no we don't.
Where's your imagination? All right.
Table for two.
Light 'em up, Longo.
Nice catch.
So as soon as I get the money I'm gonna rent myself an office.
Not a big place.
Just something small, you know? So I can sort of spread my wings.
I've got to get back in the game, Mel.
Kind of a, you know, a new phase.
Mm, a new phase.
Kind of like it is for the two of us.
Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause, you know, with me living here Yeah and, you know, not working for me It does sort of change things.
You sure this is Joe's apartment? - Yeah, it's the right place.
- Hey, come on in, guys.
Why don't you turn on some lights? 'Cause there no electricity.
Maybe you just need to flip a breaker.
Ryder, if it was that easy, don't you think I already would have Done that? Hey, Ryder, looks like they were having a nice meal.
You know, just the two of them.
Let's go home.
No no, but we've got to tell Aunt Mel about her new couch.
- What new couch? - The one we signed for.
It's sitting in our living room.
My new couch! I forgot about this.
Custom made, cream-colored Italian suede.
I ordered it a year ago, back when I was a glamorous single woman who didn't live with teenage stainmakers that I love very much.
Wait, whoa whoa whoa.
My new couch is not sitting underneath the leak, is it? Joe, didn't you fix the leak? Uh, yeah, I tried to.
See, it keeps moving.
Well, what if it moves over my new couch? That is $4,000 worth of Italian suede.
All right, you know what? We may have to run a few red lights, but this is a fancy couch emergency.
Come on.
- I'm sorry, Joe.
- No, it's okay.
- We can just, you know, pick this up later.
- Okay, bye.
What the hell was that? What? I was just saying goodbye.
Don't make a big deal.
What the hell was that? I never thought I could feel this way.
I love him so much.
I can't imagine the house without him.
Aunt Mel, it's just a couch.
She doesn't mean that, couchy.
Aunt Mel, I was slicing a bagel and I cut my finger.
It's bleeding.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Get the hell away from my couch.
- Do you have any band-aids? - Yeah, and you're gonna need them all if you don't back the hell away.
Come on.
No fruit juice! Mr.
Longo, there are a lot of papers here for you to sign before you receive your settlement.
Oh, this is miss McKenna.
She's here representing a number of other claimants to the Scanlon assets.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Possibly.
Your award is actually a little more than we thought.
I know that comes as a blow to you.
I'll find a way to bounce back, your honor.
Oh, one thing before you take a bath in all your new money.
On behalf of my clients, many of whom are living in their cars, I couldn't help but notice the oddness of your address.
- What's odd about it? - It's the same address where Lennox and Ryder Scanlon live.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's actually a funny coincidence.
- Coincidence? - Yes, coincidence.
When two unrelated things happen at the same time.
You know, kind of like a nice guy being trapped in a room with a bloodsucking attorney.
You live with the Scanlon heirs? Well, yes.
But it's actually very complicated.
Complicated? So you just repeat words and make them sound evil? That is a troubling connection.
I have to say I agree.
Shocker.
It may appear to some that were Mr.
Longo to receive any amount from the settlement, Lewis Scanlon's heirs would benefit.
There was nothing shady going on here, okay? This was a job.
I was their nanny, okay? The kids needed somebody, I stepped in.
I'm actually very proud of what I did.
So there was a connection? Well, yes, there was a connection.
There was an emotional connection.
I've been taking care of the kids for over a year now.
- It's sort of like they're my kids.
- Yeah.
It just looks awfully messy.
You know, a derivatives broker with an MBA, takes a job as a nanny for children who just happen to be the offspring of the fugitive Lewis Scanlon who was your former boss.
Judge, I object to her being such an unpleasant person.
Mr.
Longo, you might want to consult with an attorney before responding any further.
I don't even live there anymore, okay? I have a whole new address now.
As of when? Yesterday.
Yesterday? And she's doing it again.
Thanks so much.
I'm sure you're a great nanny.
All right, we'll call you.
I hate them all.
They're horrible people, especially the big one with the mustache.
Oh, she reminded me the most of Joe.
Couldn't we get some young woman from, like, Sweden? I mean, how much would that cost? I could kick in some of my college money.
I'm hungry.
- What's for dinner? - Oh, you're asking me? I don't know.
Go dig around in the freezer till you find something.
Hey, do not touch my lasagna.
That is a piece of history.
Ugh, this must be Mrs.
Campanetta.
I hate her already.
- Hey.
- You rang the doorbell? It's polite.
I don't live here anymore.
And to that point, did you find somebody to fill my position yet? Nope.
No, there are still a few creepy strangers I haven't invited into my home yet.
Okay, 'cause I just got out of a meeting with the judge and it appears my settlement is gonna be a little less than I originally thought.
- How much less? - Well, it's still gonna be six figures.
But they're all zeros.
But that's your money.
That's not fair.
What happened? Apparently they didn't like the fact that I lived here with Lennox and Ryder.
They thought that made us some sort of a family.
Okay, so you lost the entire settlement because you lived here? - Because I hired you? - Yup.
No one else was going to though.
So look, if, uh If the job is still open-- You mean you would-- Well, look, I have a ton of references, okay? And a lot of experience Dealing with you.
Well, that's true.
So if nobody's jumped on this yet, would you like me to go to the kitchen and make us some dinner? - Oh good lord, yes.
- Okay.
Hey, look at this.
The cream-colored dream couch, huh? - Yes, it is.
- Wow.
It's a lot bigger than I thought.
You sure it's not too big for this space? - I love it.
- Okay, it's your house.
Hey, Joe, now that you're back to being the nanny, you know, it might be kind of awkward for us to go to the-- Oh, the annual mayor's gala thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Now that we're back to having a working relationship it probably would be inappropriate.
Hey, that bucket is out again.
I promise you I'm gonna fix that leak tomorrow, okay? Oh, no need.
I hired a plumbing contractor.
Why? Why would you do that? He says it's extensive water damage.
- It could be in all the walls.
- Yeah, sure.
Yeah, the sky is falling.
Extensive damage to your wallet.
Come here.
I'll show you this leak.
It's like this big.
It's a little crack right behind the tub.
Come on.
Whoa.
What's that noise? It sounded like cracking.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what? I have to say, you're absolutely right.
From up here the couch looks perfect.
It's almost like it was made for the space.
Oh my God.
Joe, you're back.
Yes, I am.
What's up, guys? Hey.
Couchy? Couchy! You know what, Mel? A little club soda, that'll come right out.
Are you out of your mind? My house is ruined! Hey, relax.
I lost more than you did today.
This is not a contest.
And if it was, I win.
Hey, guys, the kitchen is still okay.
You know, people got to eat.
Cool.
Let's go make some food.
Are you gonna come, Mel? Yeah, just-- just a second.
Okay.
We're good.
Look, there's damage on all the walls.
- Everything's got to come down.
- It already did.
How long's it gonna take to get it back the way it was? Whoa, who says it has to be back the way it was? This is a chance to rethink the whole house.
Would you tell her how expensive that's gonna be, please? I never get in the middle of a husband-and-wife argument.
- Oh.
- Whoa, husband and wife? - Yeah, give me a little credit.
- If I was her husband, dude, there'd be claw marks on that door from me trying to get the heck out of here.
Could have fooled me.
So what kind of remodel are we talking? Okay, first I hate the kitchen.
So if we could rip that out.
Whoa, wait a minute.
You hate the kitchen? When was the last time you actually used the kitchen? I go in there all the time.
Yeah, to get yourself a nice glass of red wine.
Ooh ooh, a wine cellar in the basement.
Wait wait, I live in the basement.
You always have to make everything about you.
What? You know what? You're crazy.
If you're not married you've got to be engaged.
No.
- Engaged? Are you-- to-- - Why would you think-- - Really? - It's more like brother and sister over here.
I don't know about engaged.
Oh, time out.
Hey, what? What do you mean time out? There's more all-new "Melissa and Joey.
"