Men at Work (2012) s02e09 Episode Script

Long Distance Tyler

Thanks again for helping me move.
No problem.
Where do you want me to put this little fella? How about right on top of these two heavy boxes? You got it.
Whew! Those stairs are a bitch.
Especially with Mr.
Lamp Cord trying to trip me the whole way up.
I owe you one.
No! That's what boyfriends are for.
Ohh! You used "boyfriend" in a sentence.
It felt right.
It sounded right.
We are so adorable.
Look, I know that Brooklyn seems really far from your place, but it is super-close to my work.
No, it's not that far.
I looked, and it's just a bus to three trains to an 11-block walk.
Piece of cake.
Look, Tyler, I just hope that me moving here isn't going to change anything between us.
No, of course not.
Nothing's gonna change.
Everything's gonna change.
You guys are done.
I think my shirt's on backwards.
All's we're saying is now you're in a long-distance relationship.
What are you guys talking about? Rachel moved to Brooklyn, not Phoenix.
It would probably be better if she moved to Phoenix.
It's true.
Nonstop flight.
Clean, well-run airport.
Guys, it's like 6 Miles.
It's nothing.
I'm staying at her place tonight.
Before you go, make sure you convert your dollars into Brooklyn bucks.
Damn it.
What happened? Amy wants me to pick up a pony keg for our party tonight, and I don't know if I'm physically capable of doing that.
Are, um, any of Amy's attractive, young lady friends gonna be at said party? Yeah.
A lot.
Then we'll grab the keg for you and see you there.
Wait were you not coming to our party otherwise? What do you want to hear? Hey, count me in, too.
Yeah, right.
You live in Brooklyn now.
You need to find Brooklyn friends.
I will be there, even if I have to take a couple, or four, trains.
Spanakopita Fun to say, fun to eat.
Dude, no.
Don't don't Mmm! I hate to interrupt two men feeding each other, but anyone need a refill? I could use another.
Perfect timing.
I'm Amy's friend Jenny.
- I'm Milo.
- I'm Gibbs.
I'm sorry.
I didn'tCatch that.
- Gibbs.
- Milo.
I heard "Giblo" and "Mibbs.
" Yeah.
Let's try that one more time.
Here we go.
- Gibbs.
- Milo.
Well, it was nice to sort of meet you both.
- I saw her first.
- I saw her first.
- No, you didn't.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- Yes, I did.
- Stop that!- You stop that! - Stop that! - No, you stop that! - I hate you so much right now.
- I hate you so much right now.
- Amy.
This is a great party.
- Oh! More importantly, great Jenny.
Did you get a look at her amazing friendship with Amy? You you need to set me up with Jenny, okay? She left before I could ask her out.
But there was a definite spark.
Uh, pretty sure that was our spark, and it was just so big, you thought it was yourspark.
- Guys, I really don't want to get involved.
- Why not? - Remember my cousin Allison? - No.
The one you rented a cabin with over New Year's and never called again? I think I'd remember renting a cabin.
And that's why I'm not getting involved.
Uh, uh, t-that was a long time ago, honey.
These guys have grown up since then.
Gibbs has a Kindle.
Milo has a Nook.
Look, I've made it very clear how I feel.
If you want to help them, that's fine.
Just know this I would like to see Jenny at my next party.
Uh, you heard Amy.
It's it's a bad idea.
Neal, you owe me.
That pony keg didn't deliver itself.
I carried it.
And I pushed the buttons in the elevator.
You owe me.
I will see if she's interested in going out with either one of you.
But I'm not making any promises she'll say yes.
Oh, she'll say yes.
To going on a date with Milo.
's friend, Gibbs.
I win.
All right! Brooklyn's in the house! Nice turnout.
Hang on.
Just give me one second.
Why is your shirt all wet? Well, Teresa She was sitting next to me on the bus Asked me to hold Benji while she was tying Max's shoes.
Benji, turns out Not as potty-trained as Teresa originally thought.
Also, some guy started spraying everybody with a hose.
It's madness.
Yeah, pretty tough being in a long-distance relationship, huh? No, I'm not in a Aah! I got to head back if I'm gonna get some sleep before the morning commute.
Great party, Neal! Thanks, Amy! These look great, but why do all these models look like they're on crack? Because they're for that article Alex wanted to do about models on crack.
Well, then, good job.
So, I just got a text from Jenny.
Ah! When do I go out with her? Why do you assume it's you? Because, I mean Really? She wants to go out with Milo on Friday.
Sorry, Gibbs.
You'll find love someday.
And Gibbs on Saturday.
Apparently, that day is Saturday.
She wants to date both of us? Well, she wasn't sure which one was which, but she thought you both were cute.
So it's on.
No, it is not on.
This is not a competition.
Because a competition would be childish, and you two are adults, like I told Amy.
No competition.
Got it? Sure, sure.
Hey, guys.
Look who fixed his problem.
Was the problem that you wanted to look more like a spaceship? Or a sperm? Or a guy who's about to get his bike stolen? Go ahead mock what you don't understand.
What's not to understand? You're the guy who just bought everything they told you to buy in the bike store.
This fixed-gear bike will free me from the tyranny of public transportation and cut my travel time to Rachel's in half.
- Hmm.
- Hey, boss.
Nice shorts, Lance Ballstrong.
Were they out of the kind of shorts that didn't show the outline of your testicles? Well, they had one pair, but I didn't like the color.
Well, black is slimming.
Well, I'm off to Rachel's.
Tyler, you do realize that fixed-gear bikes have no brakes, yeah? Yeah, right.
I paid 400 bucks for this thing.
I'm pretty sure it has brakes.
Did you know fixed-gear bikes don't have brakes? Sowhat are you doing with Jenny tonight? I made a reservation on the roof of the Hudson hotel.
Ha! Heh heh.
What was that? Nothing.
I hear you can almost see the top of a parking garage from there.
Guys, remember This isn't a competition.
Oh, it's definitely not a competition if he's taking herthere.
Where are you taking her? Roof of the Empire State building.
Ever heard of it? I wasn't finished Because after dinner, we're going on a helicopter tour of the city.
Hot-air balloon to the moon.
Boom! Blimp to the sun.
Double boom.
No one is taking her to the sun.
All right? This is exactly what Amy was afraid of.
I think we should set up some ground rules so things don't get out of hand.
- It's fine by me.
- Bring it.
Um one-drink maximum, and no pretending you're related to a famous person, Milo Garfunkel.
I cannot agree to that, as I am a distant cousin.
Good morning.
Let's get the meeting started.
How is everybody? Not so great these guys are dating the same girl, and we're having trouble setting up some ground rules.
That was rhetorical.
- They don't - It means "don't answer.
" The survival piece about the guy who was lost at sea You're gonna do the interview, and you're gonna shoot it.
- On it.
- Got it.
All right, this is huge for the magazine.
Please do not mess it up.
You know, the moment your blimp touches the sun, it'll explode.
Then we'll go at night.
All right, listen up, Gilmore girls.
I can tell this is gonna get in the way of my magazine, so here are the ground rules for your stupid date.
$100 limit, no trash-talking your opponent, and I don't want to hear about this ever again.
Understood? Yeah, I think that Why do you insist on answering my questions? Sorry, am I supposed to No.
Wake up.
Aah! This is my seat! Tyler? You okay? I'm sorry, Neal.
I've seen stuff on the "G" train no man should see.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
This morning, I sat next to a guy that had screwdrivers for hands.
Hang in there, man.
Rachel's great.
Yeah, I'm trying, but all I do is take public transportation to and from her place.
On the way in this morning, I watched screwdriver hands eat five whole crabs.
And then he fixed a loose railing.
Well, maybe you and Rachel can justmeet in the middle.
Wait, like a like a rendezvous midpoint? That's a great idea.
Less travel time, more time together.
Okay, it looks like halfway between me and Rachel is Gramercy Park.
That's right near me.
I mean, not rightnear me.
You can't use my apartment! No, come on, Neal! Hanging at your place would be so much better than some random coffee shop.
Yeah, but it's not just my place.
It's Amy's, too.
And she has made it veryclear that she does not want to be involved in my friends' sex lives.
This isn't about sex.
This is about maintaining an emotional connection with my girlfriend.
So I will take your keys.
And I will try to forget that you just assumed I was gonna have sex in your apartment.
Here you go.
And I'm I'm really sorry.
Hope we can still be friends.
I hope so, too.
Amy's gonna be at yoga till 5:00, so if we're gonna have sex, we should get to it.
Let's do this.
So? How'd your dates go? Mine went extremely well.
Mine went extremely, extremely well.
And you stuck to Alex's ground rules? - Come on, man.
- Absolutely.
- Price limit? - Of course.
We'll have two bottles of Dom Pérignon.
Isn't that stuff really expensive? Oh.
I don't know.
I never look at prices.
We'd like all of your oysters, please.
And the trash-talking? Neal, please.
You're beginning to hurt my feelings.
Oh, my God.
I also love traveling.
- You do? - I do! Unlike Gibbs.
He was a fat kid.
That was nice of them to take back all those oysters.
Well, I'm a regular here.
Which reminds me Milo was a bed-wetter.
Totally followed the rules.
Without them, we're animals.
I'm impressed.
You guys behaved yourselves, like grown-ups.
Why are you surprised? It's like you don't even know us, Neal.
You broke all the rules, didn't you? - Yep.
- Almost immediately.
I'm not usually a fan of couch sex, but this baby really held its own.
What the hell?! Neal said it was cool.
So, now I have to get their rug cleaned and repaint their ceiling.
Don't ask.
So, are you back to your two-hour commute again? Nope.
We came up with a new plan.
That's right! We're skyping.
Say hi to Rachel.
Hi! Hi, Rachel.
We just leave the camera on all the time, and it's like we're together.
All the time? That's awesome.
So when I walked through here earlier after my shower? Yep.
I saw it.
Good to know.
Tyler? I have to grab my laundry.
I'll skype you back soon? Skype you later.
I love saying "Skype" instead of "see.
" It's like we're living in the future.
Where we date laptops instead of real people.
It's actually made our relationship even richer.
I think if you spent a day with me, you'd skype what I mean.
Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice it had to be the only one for me is you And you for me so happy togethe-e-e-r oooooh so happy togethe-e-e-r I'm so dirty.
Ohh! All right.
This sucks.
So, when did you start to worry? It was our 90th day at sea.
Scott was getting pretty weak.
We'd gone through our rations and couldn't catch any fish.
We knew it was just a matter of time before we both starved.
Can you hang on a second? Sorry.
I thought I got a text from this girl I'm dating.
That's cute.
You think you're still in this.
I don't see you with a second date.
Um, so, you were saying Oh, yeah.
So, uh, you and Scott were about to starve to something? Death.
Starve to death.
So Did you? No.
But On the 92nd day, Scottwas gone.
And his last words to me were Oh! Text from Jenny! Damn.
Text from mom.
Maybe I'll date her after I date Jenny.
Eat me, Milo.
You eat me, Gibbs.
He's being rude.
Uh, so Right Scott.
So, Scott's last words were? "Eat me, Eric.
" So he was mad at you.
He literally wanted me to eat his body so I could stay alive.
Oh! Whoa! Please tell me you didn't! Of course I did! That's why I'm here! That's why Matt Damon is playing me in a movie! You know who loves Matt Damon? Jenny.
Oh, but if you knew her better, you'd know she likes his writing, not his acting.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
I'm telling you about how my best friend made the ultimate sacrifice for my life, and you two are fighting over a girl? I mean, you make me sick to my stomach! And I ate my best friend! He's got a point, though.
I mean, what are we doing here? I don't know do we even like this girl, or are we just caught up in this stupid competition? Like her.
Not as much I as do.
See? This has to end.
You're right.
We need to go over there and break up with her for the sake of our friendship.
Otherwise, we'll keep tearing each other apart.
Just like Eric did to Scott.
And that's why we don't think that thisor this is gonna work.
You're an amazing girl, and I'm sure you're gonna find someone great.
You guys, I Shhhhhh.
But I just want to Shhhhh.
Shut up.
Now, you may not find that special someone today, tomorrow, or even this year, for that matter, but Hey, babe? You almost done? Who's that? That's my ex.
We're back together.
Well We're still breaking up with you.
Look, you guys seem nice and everything, but it felt like you were trying a little too hard.
I'm more of a stay-at-home, eat-a-pizza, make-a-sex-tape kind of a girl.
That's a That's a kind of girl? Hey, babe.
Pizza's done.
I got to go.
Dodged a bullet right there, huh? Hell yeah.
We'd much rather be out here together than in there eating pizza and making some sex tapes.
- I hate you so much right now.
- I hate you so much right now.
I wish it could be different.
Me too.
It's just that I know.
The distance It's too much.
It was a great three months, though.
The best.
And look, if you ever move back into the city Or if you ever move to Brooklyn Yeah.
Rachel, I'm gonna miss you.
You too, Tyler.
Okay! That's enough! Well, honey, we said they could use the midpoint for their breakup.
They're going through something very emotional.
Yeah, last time they went through something emotional, I had to re-upholster the couch.
Excuse me, but we are very offended that you would think this painful moment would devolve into some meaningless last fling.
We're sorry, Tyler.
Now, if you could just leave your keys and take a couple laps around the block, we will try to forget what you've done.
Thank you, Tyler.
Honey, let's go.
Sit down, Neal.
It was worth a shot.
My friend, I am sorry about Rachel.
Yeah, we're gonna miss her.
Although, I am not gonna miss having to wear pants in the living room.
Hey, maybe we should keep that rule going.
You okay? I'll live.
You just need to get back out there, you know? You see the new waitress? She lives in the East Village.
After Rachel, I'm enforcing a strict one-train policy.
And anyway, I'm not ready to move on yet.
It's hard to find a girl like Rachel, who's smart and funny and will also have sex on a stove.
You had sex on my stove? What do you wanna hear?