Merry Happy Whatever (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Twas the Night Before the 4th Night of Hanukkah

Sean, go put on one of my ties.
We're going to midnight mass, not a tractor auction.
It's funny, I didn't want to wear a tie, but Joy said I should.
Now you're saying I should.
I guess that makes you the tiebreaker.
I'll go put on a tie.
I want to remind everybody we are leaving at 11:15 sharp.
We don't want to be late because all the good seats will be taken by the Easter and Christmas Catholics.
Go to church twice a year, think they get all the God.
Why aren't the boys dressed for church yet? Oh! That's why.
If I wait until just before we leave, we have a shot at them not looking like chimney sweeps.
Hey! Hey, hey! Are you pre or post shower? Pre! Sorry, pre! Don't worry.
I packed a coat and tie.
Nobody's gonna notice with your face looking like a barber shop floor.
Honey, do you want to go and put on something a little less, uh sweatpantsy? What's the point of getting dressed up? I'm just gonna end up alone anyway.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna want to have Jesus on your side.
It couldn't hurt to look nice for him on his birthday.
Forty-seven minutes and counting, people.
Let's go.
Don't make me make that face.
Oh, nobody's here.
I am so excited to tell everybody.
Me too.
Oh! Maybe I'll even get an actual hug from your dad.
He only ever gives me that cold side hug.
But tonight, I'm getting some of that real thing.
It's just I've been picturing this moment my entire life.
I have this whole amazing plan for how we're gonna tell everyone.
You just follow my lead, Hot Toddy.
Always do, Patsy Melt.
I'm pregnant! Whoa! Sweetheart! Wonderful! Oh! That is so wonderful! - I know! - I hate everything right now, but I'm momentarily so happy for you! Hey, Poppy Don, coming in.
- Hey! - Whoa.
Way to go, Todd! Thank you, sir.
I think I'm gonna start taking pregnancy tests every morning.
Just to, you know, start my day with a positive.
If you need a godmother, I'm available.
And way more responsible than Kayla.
Let's celebrate! Oh! And what better place to celebrate than at church? The birth of baby Jesus, and the birth of Patsy's baby.
Actually, in our case, we'd be celebrating the conception.
You're hard to root for, Todd.
- Sorry, it's a little cramped in here.
- Oh.
It's ho-ho-ho-okay.
Get it? 'Cause I look like Santa.
Minus the belly.
Although those eggies every morning aren't helping.
Speaking of bellies, I'm so excited for Patsy.
Kids seem fun.
Can't wait to be the cool young dad at the playground.
"Race you to the swing, Jagger.
" That's a fun name.
But you wouldn't want to have kids too soon 'cause you want to be ready, right? Like, with responsibility, and money, and stuff.
But people have babies all the time and figure it out as they go.
It's also raising a child, not backpacking through Europe.
You know what? I'm just gonna I'm gonna finish this in my room.
It's fine.
- You sure? - Totally.
I knew we should have stayed at a ho-ho-hotel.
Hey, Emmy.
Emmy? Aah! Oh! It's just me.
Hey, love the quick draw though.
Just wanted to give you this offer letter Ted Boseman dropped off earlier.
He said he's looking forward to your response.
Quite an offer.
Dad, just stay out of it, okay? Okay.
All right.
There's no need to fire up the hairdryer.
Actually, uh, could I ask you about something else? - Yeah.
- Uh, I texted Nancy earlier, and she hasn't responded yet.
Well, what did you write? Well, I wanted to know if she liked the space heater I got her.
So I texted, "How are your feet? Are they hot?" Oh, Dad.
Those dots appeared like she was gonna answer, and then they just went away.
Does that mean I lost service? No.
It means your text might have come off a little super creepy.
I miss letters.
Congratulations, Todd.
You're gonna be the best dad.
I know you're making fun of me, but I don't know how.
No, I really mean it.
All right, don't make me take it back.
Look at me.
I'm a fancy lady! - Is that Matt's ring? - Where did you get this? Matt said I could play with his guitar and I found it in the case.
Don't tell anyone you saw this.
Are you hearing me? Tell me what I'm saying went into your bouncy house of a brain.
- It went in.
- Okay.
Still don't see a coat and tie, rock star.
Thanks for calling me rock star.
I know it was sarcastic.
Matt, will you do me the honor of being my bride? - How do you Why do you have this? - Donny found it.
You should probably find a better hiding place.
Ooh, do you want me to hang on to it? I love being involved in things.
Actually, can we do a quick Outlaw meeting outside? Yes, Outlaws.
Name's catching on.
Here's the thing.
I'm not sure about asking Emmy to marry me tomorrow.
I mean, I love her.
So much.
But these past few days, a lot of stuff has come up.
Like how much hotter she is than you? What? No.
We're both nines.
She's a nine.
You're a soft seven.
Keep going, I can't feel my face.
The point is, with everything going on, maybe tomorrow isn't the right time.
That's what I told you on day one.
Timing is everything.
Take it from someone who chose the most stressful time of the year - to quit smoking.
- Oh, yeah.
How's that going? Earlier, I licked one.
Good God.
Yeah, it's a wild ride.
Uh, look.
I actually disagree about the proposal.
I think Matt should go for it.
You know, when Patsy and I got married, we waited to have a baby so the "timing would be perfect.
" And then, when we did try, it took forever.
So why wait, man? You know you love her.
So, you're giving me opposite advice? That's not how the Outlaws are supposed to work.
He's right, Todd.
Tell him you agree with me.
I'm sorry, amigo.
I feel what I feel.
And I speak my truth.
I can't believe I let you hug me.
I knew it.
This outfit sucks.
What? Oh.
It's just Matt and I We've been really off the past couple of days.
Like disagreeing about money, and the future, and now kids.
I know a part of it is just the stress of the holidays, but it also feels a little bigger than that.
It's like I hate my clothes.
You know, they make me look so married.
Oh, we're back to your thing.
I'm sorry.
I I don't mean to be so It's just Can I tell you something? Of course.
Well, the thing is I'm in need of a break-up makeover.
A break-over.
You know? Cute clothes.
Fresh nails.
Ooh, I like it.
Maybe a cute haircut.
You'll be like a brand-new Kayla.
I should look like a brand-new Kayla because I feel like a brand-new Kayla.
Ooh, you should cut my hair right now.
- Oh.
- Brand-new Kayla! Brand-new Kayla! T-minus 29 minutes, people.
Let's go! We got a date with a priest! That came out bad.
And then, this morning, I threw up.
Oh, but it felt great.
It was just like I was vomiting glitter.
Okay, you go find the good scissors.
I'll go get the stool so I can sit in front of the mirror.
Hey, are you sure you want to do this? Last time I cut your hair was in high school, and back then, you weren't quite so opinionated.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
My bad.
Right after mass, I'm gonna grab Father McKee.
I'm gonna make sure we get a solo baptism spot.
You remember that baby that they paired Donny with? Head like a peanut.
- Very distracting.
- Yeah.
Actually, uh, we haven't talked about the baptism, so maybe let's hold off on that.
This is us talking about it, Todd.
You see how our mouths are moving up and down? Of course.
It's just religious traditions are important, and I don't wanna you know, rush into anything.
Like, I was thinking maybe I'd want to include some Jewish traditions in the baby's life.
We already have religious traditions in this family.
Catholic traditions that you've never had a problem with before.
So let's all just take a quick breath.
Uh, Daddy, your neck is doing that throbbing thing.
- Um, and sweetheart, uh - Yeah.
Maybe not the best time to bring this up without talking to me first, you know? In front of my dad and whole family, and my dad.
I-I I'm sorry.
It's just, when I found out we were having a baby, I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to embrace my heritage.
Well, you can embrace your heritage all you want, but that baby is inside my Catholic daughter, so we got dibs.
It's not exactly a dibs situation.
Says the guy who doesn't have dibs.
Hey, guys Uh, nothing.
Keep going.
I was actually thinking that we could raise our child with both traditions.
And then, when he or she is mature enough, we can let him or her decide.
- Let the child decide what to think? - Yeah.
That's the dumbest thing you ever said.
Oh! I felt the baby kick.
I didn't.
It's the size of a lentil.
See? This is the problem with religion.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, thank God.
Wars have been fought just because one group's beliefs are a little different from another's.
You guys are arguing about things that there's no real answers for.
- And that's why I'm an atheist.
- Oh.
Should I head to church to save seats? You've really given me a lot to think about, kiddo.
Why don't you and your brother go watch some boob tube? Boob tube means TV, not some weird internet thing.
Atheist? Atheist?! Where did he learn nonsense like that? Not from us.
Probably some punk kid in the locker room at school.
"Hey, what's all that baloney about God?" Look, I don't know where the atheist thing came from, but I'm glad we raised Sean Jr.
to think for himself.
Well, now he's flirting with eternal damnation, so good job! This is what happens when you let your kids play Dungeons & Dragons instead of football.
Okay, Dad, enough.
Sean Jr.
is a great kid.
And if you have a problem with how we raised him, maybe you should ask how you raised a son who raised a son who's an atheist.
- Did that make sense? - So much.
Well, great.
Christmas Eve.
My family's turning on everything your mom and I taught you to believe in.
Hey, let's just let him cool down for a second.
I think the best thing we can do is all be ready to go to mass together.
So haircut time.
Let's go.
That was uncomfortable.
I am sick of walking on eggshells around Don.
Who is he to tell anyone what to think? You know what? You should ask Emmy to marry you tomorrow.
But earlier, you said to wait.
Are you just trying to make Don mad? No.
You and Emmy are great.
And you're gonna work things out.
And it'll make Don come unhinged.
Are you guys having an Outlaws meeting without me? You can't kick me out.
I'm a founding member.
- Now Joy says I should ask Emmy tomorrow.
- No, now I think you should wait.
All right? Timing is everything.
I just started a holy war in there.
- Just ask her.
Do it.
- No, don't.
Great! Now you're giving me opposite opposite advice.
I don't know what to do.
I wish the universe would give me some sort of sign.
That's not how it works, Baby Duck.
Look! Two doves.
They mate for life.
That's a sign! - Those are pigeons.
- It still counts.
All right, Guitar Hero, time to get dressed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He just played "Here Comes the Bride.
" Another sign.
Yeah, I heard something too.
The sound of a man cracking under the pressure of a Quinn family Christmas.
Okay, listen up.
We're getting you in your good clothes now.
You are not to eat, or drink, or have fun.
You are to stand in the middle of the room like a statue.
I hate statue time! Hey there, soon-to-be mama.
Look, uh I just wanted to apologize for springing that whole Jewish thing on you like I did.
Oh, it's fine.
I am on such a high right now.
Nothing can bring me down.
But at some point, I will come down, and then, oh who knows how I'll react.
God, I thought Dad's head was gonna split open.
And then, like, a smaller Dad would pop out and just keep yelling.
But enough about his head, let's focus on mine.
Snip, snip.
Don't get snippy with me.
Okay, um Can you check Matt's Dopp kit and see if there's a comb in there? Wow, he has a lot of ChapStick for a dude.
Emmy, have you seen my tie? Oh, yes.
It's in my bedroom hanging with your blazer.
If you want me to tie the knot, I'm happy to.
Another sign.
So Random question.
Did you ever have doubts about you and Alan? Like, when you guys first started going out? Oh, I had so many doubts, it just bled into one long monster doubt.
"Kayla, he will never satisfy you.
" Man, lately I've been having doubts about me and Matt.
I mean, I love him, but sometimes I just wonder if we're on the same page, and Would you stop snooping through his stuff? Hey, if the TSA can do it, so can I.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Guys, all the signs are telling me to propose tomorrow.
- I know it's silly, but - Do you, though? Yeah, putting my own opinion aside for a moment, which I never do, so you're welcome.
Are you sure you want to base the biggest decision of your life on, like, birds and crap? The truth is, I'm probably just seeing the signs I want to see, because, deep down, I know what I want to do.
I'm definitely gonna ask Emmy to marry me tomorrow morning.
What's that? It's an offer from that guy Ted.
For Emmy to take a job here in Philly.
She said the meeting meant nothing.
Why Why would she keep this from me? It's just an offer, Matt.
It doesn't mean she's actually considering it.
Or maybe she is.
Or maybe she isn't.
Well, the fact that I don't know for sure and she didn't say anything about it I can't propose to her tomorrow.
I mean, I've been looking for signs, but this is reality.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Matt's gonna ask me to marry him.
Oh, my And there's Christmas ribbon.
Oh, he's gonna do it tomorrow.
Now I get why he's been so nervous and trying to get on Dad's good side.
Okay, speaking of good sides Is it better like this or like this? Oh, God, they both look terrible! Okay.
Emmy! Like this? Or this? Okay, fine.
You have 30 seconds to look at that ring, and then I need you back.
We are in crisis mode over here! Seeing this I know Matt's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I mean, sure, we've got some stuff we need to deal with Fifteen seconds.
Every couple does.
But we're gonna work it out.
So how does it look? It's beautiful.
I can't stop staring at it.
Right? Did I just turn your disaster into the thing everyone will be talking about this Christmas? Thank you for wearing a tie.
Thank you.
All right.
We should be good.
- Not gonna wear a coat? - No, I'm good.
Your head get caught in a weed wacker? It looks It looks really Yeah, it looks really good.
- I know.
- Okay, Don, we're ready! Hurry! Statue time doesn't last forever.
His car's gone.
He already left.
All he wanted was for us to go to church together.
So do we still have to go? I'm sorry.
Pregnant lady coming through.
Dad, I'm so sorry we were running late.
- We'll work out this Sean Jr.
thing, Dad.
- Todd didn't mean to upset you.
What do you think of my new hair? I love it.
Okay, look, look.
You You guys, you threw a lot at me today, but it's-it's possible that I overreacted.
A little.
But It was so much easier when your mom was around, you know? She'd say, "Calm down, Don.
Go have a Pepsi.
" But the important thing is we're all here together.
- Of course, Daddy.
- Amen to that.
- Love you.
- Merry Christmas, Pops.
Let me just say Shh.
Mass is starting.
Yes! S-sorry.
Uh Just excited about Christmas And baby Jesus.
And Oh! My daughter and my son-in-law are having a baby, too.
Thank you.
Carry on.
It's officially Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
I think it's gonna be a good one.
Me too.