Metalocalypse (2006) s03e08 Episode Script

Rehabklok

These are you new, enhanced hover drums.
They're faster, louder, and you've a wireless navigation system that's good up to 2,000 miles within concert radius.
You're equipped with wireless stage monitors.
Where is the the throttle is between your double kicks and high-hat pedal.
Its all very rudimentary.
Any questions? Um, how do I Ooh, you're on now! Okay! Let's do this! One touchcontagious put away at the punch of a bass Take the power and trade it away Whoa! Hover drums malfunction.
Dispatch 3522 and 7611 tech teams now! I will take myself out of this coffin I will take myself out of this life Where is he now? He's over the ocean, sire.
I will pay my He's totally out of control.
We've got to land him now! I will drink the liquid, and I will be reborn Aah! reborn reborn reborn I'm alive Get those planes out of here now! Wh-o-o-o-oa! Pickles, we just got your toxicology report back, and it shows that you have 100% alcohol in your system.
You caused billions in damage, and the authorities want to make an example of you.
Yeah.
To avoid any problems, we made the decision to send you to rehab.
Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock ♪ tick-tock tick-tock ♪ ♪ Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! ♪ I'mTicking ForThe Dethklok, Dethklok Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree Toki Wartooth, not a Bumblebee William Murderface Murderface Murderface Pickles the drummer doodily doo ding dong doodily Nathan explosion Rehab? Pickles, we have a great deal to discuss regarding your move to rehab, but, uh, your brother, Seth, has been calling a lot.
I just want to play this message before we get into it.
Here we go.
Pickles, it's me your brother, Seth.
Boy, did you really [bleep.]
up out there, huh? Anyway, I'm here running Dethklok Australia, and I need to, uh [bleep.]
borrow $5 million you know, got into some trouble.
Anyway, so, get back to me on that.
And, uh, you know, try not to [bleep.]
up so much.
You know, you never could hold your alcohol.
Anyway, you're making my job harder, so, uh [bleep.]
uh, bye.
I would rather kill myself than give that [bleep.]
$5 million.
Why does he always show up when I'm at my absolute worst? Hey, Pickles.
He's your brother.
W-what are you Be cool, all right? Uh, but back to this rehab business, to recap, it's costing us a lot, and the local authorities want a scapegoat.
So we offered them you 'cause you were drinking a lot.
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction! Denial, huh? Denial, right guys? Denial! Textbooks case.
Right there it says it in the book.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles! You ams a lightweights.
You can't handle your booze, and we can.
Flying hover drums all across Mozambique who does that, really? It's part of the show! Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Excuses, excuses.
I hate you all.
I really do.
Try to calm down, Pickles! That's the booze talking! Guys, seriously.
Think about this for a second.
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could eat an apple.
You could always eat an apple Instead of drinking.
You cans try instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good, clean fun.
- I do it every morning.
- Okay, guys.
I really, really don't want to promote autoerotic asphyxiation, okay? God! Live a little bit, grandma! I'm trying it's an embarrassing death.
You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
[bleep.]
bad-ass death.
Yeah.
It's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Look, Pickles, i-it's time for you to pack your bags and start living sober.
I'm sorry, but that's the way it has to be.
they did it they did it they finally [bleep.]
did it they threw me under the bus they think they're so perfect, can handle their booze well, I'll tell you something, they cannot why would they want to get rid of me? I'm fun and totally cool unless they've been talking behind my back and they know something that I do not well, I've never been so betra-a-a-a-yed those bastards want me out of the wa-a-a-a-y yeah send me away so I can get clean I think I know what they really mean laugh while they plunge me deeper so they can [bleep.]
replace me I can't believe that it's come to this I'm filled with anger and so much piss I called them friend, I called them family now I think that they're replacing me-e-e-e-e replace me? don't replace me please, don't replace me I got to get clean I got to get clean I got to get clean Oh, God, I got to get clean! But it looks like the party's over gonna have one more for the road feel like I never really got to know you Not really.
It gave me so much, I don't think I'm ready to let go you gave me courage you gave me class you gave me confidence and I don't know what I'm gonna do without you without you God, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.
Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh! It's the saddest day in the world ooh, ooh this is the saddest day in the world ooh, ooh this is the saddest day in the world ooh, ooh this is the saddest day in the world ooh, ooh this is the saddest day in the world Now, an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come up as a result of all of this.
You have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
So, we can't play with a drummer? You know, that'll take a lot of the rhythmic element out of the songs, I mean, don't you think? Well, I think I've figured something out.
You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine.
You can play with a drum machine.
- Whoa! Looks at thats! - Whoa.
That's pretty [bleep.]
cool.
Oh, my gosh! That's bad-ass! Uh, good, then.
In the meantime, you guys will have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey, pals! It's me, facebones! Hey, look.
Facebones.
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, x2p1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind and can play any style, including but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion, too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once.
He can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks.
Check it out! Wow! And, most importantly, they can handle their alcohol not like some drummers.
Holy [bleep.]
It's the perfect drummer.
If we could only finds one that plays rhythm guitars, toos.
Thats would be cools.
Another robots pals.
Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning! The x2p1158 is equipped with a device and, in rare cases, can become self-aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case, contact the manufacturer.
Not our problem! But that probably wont happen anyho-o-o! Thanks for watching and enjoy playing with the x2p1158! I'm facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-goodbye! Hey, Pickles isn't gonna care that he's being replaced, is he? Nah, he'll be fines.
He ams probably been settlings in real nicelys and adjustings in rehabs.
Yeah, probably living like a [bleep.]
king! oh, I hate rehab so damn much I can't get out I can't get out they drag me back, I kick and fight I'm spitting on things, I'm starting fights lack of booze is killing me I need a drink, give me a drink oh, rehab sucks, I want to run away but those doctors are making me stay, and they say got several steps you need to complete so you can get clean, get back on your feet I don't need this, I don't need your [bleep.]
help you're all stupid idiots you can all go to hell shock 'em now There is no escape same goes for all of you until i let you out of this place now, you all have problems, that's the truth you're narcissistic parasites, but we can save you but you got to tell us why oh, the reasons you got high the reason that you used the cause for your abuse if we could find a way we could treat you and say oh, the action that we'll take ooh, the way that you'll be saved why did you drink? I drink because it's cool oh, why did you drink? I drink because it tastes good why did you abuse? I really like the flavor that answer just won't do it'll have to do it'll have to do it'll have to do-o-o-o-o if you don't tell me what I need to hear you'll never get clean, you'll always live in fear you'll never go home, you'll be replaced in your band do you know what I mean? yes, I understand when I was a boy, I was traumatized I was 6 years old, and my brother lied he burned down the garage, and he blamed it on me and that was the first time I ever had a drink I drank, I drank I drank it all away it's my brother's fault it's my brother's fault that's the reason that I dri-i-i-nk! you must forgive your brother No way.
All right! Whoo-whee! Yeah! Oh, that's bad-ass! That was the [bleep.]
best rehearsal we've ever had.
This drum machine can [bleep.]
play.
You're so good, you makes us plays better, you know that? Check it out.
He even dispenses beer.
Man, we're gonna [bleep.]
kick ass in [bleep.]
Australia.
They won't know what hit 'em! Guys, I know you're, uh, rehearsing and, uh, having fun and palling around, but I have somebody I want you to reintroduce you to the freshly sober and rehabilitated Pickles.
Hello, friends.
I'm back and ready to rejoin and play and what the hell is that thing?! Oh, no big deal.
It's just the drum machine.
Oh, yeah, by the way, you've been replaced.
Listen to me you little [bleep.]
piece of tin [bleep.]
I haven't had a drink in a really long time, and I will [bleep.]
rip you limb from limb, and that is a [bleep.]
threat.
That is right that is a threat! Hey, guys! How's it going? Oh, look at me, I'm hey, I'm sober! It feels really good.
Yeah, Pickles just ain't cool now that he's sober, you know? I mean, he's just not cool.
Just [bleep.]
feels weird drinking around him.
Yeah, I ams feelings like he ams judging us.
Look at him nows.
Oh.
Yeah, look at him [bleep.]
looking down his nose at us.
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
drum machine doesn't judge us when we drink.
Drums machines ams neutrals likes [bleep.]
germanys.
He just [bleep.]
kicks ass, and he drinks with us! My God, he is a bad-ass! He is my cool robot friend! Uh, hey, guys.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but shouldn't we, you know, practice? I mean, we got that gig coming up in Australia.
I mean, shouldn't we just Uh, you should just have a conversation with Charles.
Uh, yeahs.
Maybes yous better just talks to Charles.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
N-no problem.
Is that beer pretty good? Is it tasting all right? See what I mean? Judging us.
Pickles, I'm sorry, but you haven't completed the last of your 12 steps forgiveness.
What do you mean? I am sober! Well, Pickles, you still haven't forgiven your brother, Seth.
But I've done everything else! Just let me why do I have to do that?! I hate him! If you really want back in, go to Australia, forgive your brother, and then you can play the gig that we have scheduled there, Pickles.
That is so stupid! That is so stupid! Whose stupid idea was this?! It was the, uh, band's idea.
Those [bleep.]
dildos! Those [bleep.]
Are you drinking scotch right now? Uh, Brandy.
Oh, that probably doesn't help, does it? I'm sorry.
I think that they're onto me no, I'm not drinking, but I'm still not really clean until I finish my last step of forgiving my brother, I'm still dead to them I see the way they look at me they think I'm not as good as that drum machine as long as that dumb machine is here I won't be in to me, that's clear so now I am forced to go and forgive my stupid brother in Australia and if he accepts, then I can rejoin my band and play that gig we have scheduled there and the robot will be out but something tells me he won't go lightly there might be danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger danger I smell danger there might be danger I smell danger there might be danger eliminate threat eliminate danger eliminate threat eliminate danger eliminate threat eliminate danger eliminate threat eliminate danger eliminate threat eliminate danger eliminate threat eliminate danger eliminate threat eliminate danger Wow Look at this [bleep.]
crowd! I am machine I am alive I am a God I'm machine Oh, nos! The fames has gottens to him! Vomit.
Look, Seth.
I need you to accept my forgiveness of you because, I guess, I blame you for me doing drugs and all that crap.
Just will you accept my forgiveness, please? You want me to accept your forgiveness? Well, I [bleep.]
need $5 million.
You expect me to pay you five [bleep.]
million dollars just so I can [bleep.]
get back in my band?! I'm gonna pay you, aren't I? Guys, that was Pickles.
He finished his last step.
Looks like he's back in the band.
So we gonna haves to kicks out drums machine, huh? Between you and me, drum machine has turned into an asshole anyway.
I mean, he's [bleep.]
our groupies.
We can't compete with a machine! I mean, I don't care who you are no one can [bleep.]
like a machine! Yeah.
He's been kind of acting weird lately.
I hope he takes the news well.
Yeah, we'll just tells him usings very gentles language that he ams no longers a parts of our bands.
I'm sure he'll totallys understands.
Yeah, he'll be fine.
I'm totally convinced of it, too.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm totally convinced of it.
Guys! I'm back! Guys? What happened here? You.
You.
Where's Dethklok? Where are they? If I can't be in the band, no one will.
I'm going to kill them.
Helps us! Help! Initiate self-detonation device countdown sequence, starting now.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, he's gonna [bleep.]
kill them! He's gonna [bleep.]
I'm locked in here! I'm locked in here! I got to save them.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
The backstage rider.
[bleep.]
drink that [bleep.]
Drink it! It's been too long! You got to save the band! Don't drink! You've been doing so good! Get drunk! Don't do it! [bleep.]
it.
I'm gonna do both.
I'm gonna get drunk and save the band.
I am back, mother [bleep.]
! Pickles, you're back.
The band is missing, and the drum machine is planning on blowing them up.
Not if I can help it.
Uh, you've been drinking, haven't you? [bleep.]
yeah, I have! Tonight, I'm gonna burn down the garage.
Pickles, no! Help us! It's so gay to ask for help, but I really don't want to die.
Help! Helps us! You saved our lives.
And you playeds the show totally hammereds! And didn't miss a notes.
Guys, it's good to be back.
And I'll tell you something.
I couldn't have done any of this without booze.
Check it out.
[bleep.]
hunk.
There's my dinner.
I had chicken.
I had chicken burritos.
Burrito.
It's real good to have you back, Pickles.

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