Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s01e02 Episode Script
Ultimate Judgment Day
1
[ up-tempo music plays ]
MARQUESS: [ humming ]
PIGEON: Oh, hey, you missed
something there.
MARQUESS: Where?
Oh.
Mature.
MIKE: Ooh!
PIGEON: What's it say?
MIKE: Just “Oooooooooo!"
This mystery sounds fun!
MARQUESS: It doesn't say
“Ooooo."
Those are zeroes.
It's an old IBM computer
punch card.
It's written in binary.
MIKE: Oh, for deaf people.
MARQUESS: I think you mean
braille, and that's for blind
people, not deaf people.
MIKE: So deaf people
have no language?
Wow. That's pretty sad.
YUNG HEE: No, they speak with
their hands.
MIKE: Like monkeys?
YUNG HEE: Sort of.
It says “Help me."
Someone at IBM must
be in trouble!
MIKE: Time-out, time-out.
Number one, if you can read
computer code, it means you are
a robot, and if that's so,
you should have come to me
and told me that earlier.
And number two, who is it that
needs our help?
YUNG HEE: That's the mystery.
And I'm not a robot.
It says “Help me," see?
MIKE: You do not need to hide
who you are, Yang.
YUNG HEE: Yang?
MIKE: I'm proud of you no
matter how you choose
to live your life.
Let your freak flag fly, R2-D2!
Beep beep!
To the mystery mobile!
PIGEON: Oh, shit, Marquess,
Looks like you missed
another one.
MARQUESS: [ sighs ]
YUNG HEE: It's Yung.
[ horn honks ]
MIKE: Hey, what's going
on here?
Sorry.
Things are a little hectic
with the big chess match.
MIKE: Chess match?
PIGEON: Oh, I love chess!
YUNG HEE: Really?
I didn't know that.
PIGEON: Yeah, that's because
it's a lie.
Also, I love hanging out
with you guys.
YUNG HEE: Who's playing?
Garry Kasparov and Deep Blue.
MIKE: Deep Blue?
Isn't that Jay-Z and
Beyoncé's kid?
They must be good parents 'cause
I think he's just a little baby
and he's already good at chess.
YUNG HEE: Deep Blue is
a computer.
They've played twice before.
Kasparov won the first time and
Deep Blue won the second.
This is the tie breaker.
They're calling it
"Judgment Day".
MIKE: "Judgment Day"?
That was the name of my fight
with Trevor Berbick back in '86.
I remember Trevor wanted to call
it “The Ultimate Judgment Day."
but I said “Ultimate" would
mean there's already been a
Judgment Day, so why would you
have another Judgment Day?
It's a hat on a hat!
Whoa!
You wanted to call it the
Ultimate Judgment Day!
And I said it's a hat on a hat,
and then I had to explain to you
what the expression "hat on
a hat" meant!
MIKE: “Rest in peace,"
Trevor Berbick!
[ twinkle! ]
Thank you for teaching me that,
Marquess.
MARQUESS: Just don't use it
on me.
Go ahead. let 'em in.
Yes, sir, Mr. Watson.
Hmm.
I don't remember inviting
Mike Tyson, but we need all the
celebrities we can get.
Get some buzz!
Anything to jack up that
stock price!
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
No, the only one who RSVP’d is
that gal from that show about
the policemen in the Navy who
solve murders -- “N.C.S.I.”
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
“N.C.I.S.”? Are you sure?
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
Well, I don't know her name.
She's that big 'ol goth girl.
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
I don't know!
I g-guess she's a big chess fan.
Jesus!
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
Yes, you can meet her.
Hell, I don't got time for this.
I'm Thomas Watson, the founder
and C.E.O. of IBM.
Now get your game face on,
Deep Blue.
Don't forget Garry Kasparov
is a chess grandmaster.
You screw around and he'll
checkmate you before you can say
“Beep beep."
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
Oh, you better win.
And that stock price
better go up.
Or maybe you're the one whose
murder those navy policemen will
have to solve.
Deep Blue, did you just shit on
my carpet?!
[ classical music playing ]
MIKE: Whoa!
I didn't know chess matches
were so fancy.
MARQUESS: Perhaps you should
have worn your tuxedo track suit
instead of your regular track
suit.
MIKE: Are you being catty,
Marquess?
Come on.
MARQUESS: Yes, sorry.
I haven't been sleeping well.
MIKE: It's okay.
Why haven't you been sleeping
well?
Is it because you're a ghost and
you can see through your
eyelids?
MARQUESS: No, you know, i
just find, I can't turn my brain
off at the end of the day.
You know, I just -- I lie there
worrying about the dumbest
things.
It's ridiculous, and the next
day I'm tired and a bitch to
everyone around me and -- ugh!
I don't know.
I have to figure it out.
MIKE: That's horrible.
Have you tried sleeping with a
pad and pen next to your bed so
you can write down this stuff?
MARQUESS: Yes.
MIKE: Hm-mm-mm-mm.
YUNG HEE: Guys, do you
remember what we're here for?
BOTH: No.
PIGEON: The open bar.
[ humming ]
YUNG HEE: We have to find out
who sent the “Help me" note!
Oh, wow!
There's Garry Kasparov.
MIKE: Maybe he's the one that
need help!
I got your note.
“Help me."
What do you need help with?
MIKE: Huh?
I don't need help!
Do I look like I need help?
Well, you have question mark
on your pajamas.
Maybe you are lost?
MIKE: No, man.
Do you need help?
I-I don't understand.
Why would I need help?
MIKE: I don't know!
To beat the computer man?
I need no help to beat
computer.
Last time, they cheat.
No machine can beat me.
I'm a grandmaster.
MIKE: You're what?
I am a grandmaster.
[ crowd gasps ]
YUNG HEE: Dad!
MARQUESS: Why on earth did
you do that?
MIKE: I'm sorry, Marquess.
But when I promised to put my
fists down for no more
destruction anymore, I had my
fingers crossed for two
exceptions -- if I ever got put
in a time machine, I would
definitely destruct
Adolf Hitler, and the same time
for if I ever came face-to-face
with the grandmaster of the
Ku Klux Klan.
MARQUESS: He's a grandmaster,
not a grand wizard.
Oh, my god.
MIKE: Then what the [bleep]
is a grandmaster?
Oh [bleep]
god, what have you done?!
The match is about to start!
We're live streaming!
The stock price, man!
[ growls ]
Now I got to find someone to
play that computer.
YUNG HEE: i'll do it.
[ crowd gasps ]
Who are you?
MIKE: She's my daughter.
She don't look like ya.
MIKE: That's because
she's a robot.
[ dramatic music ]
[ heart beating ]
YUNG HEE: Hmm mmm
PIGEON: Unbelievable.
The bartender says I'm cut off.
Would you go order me a
Moscow mule?
MARQUESS: I'm not getting
you a drink.
YUNG HEE: Hmm
PIGEON: Eh, screw this.
I gotta take a piss.
[ humming ]
[ humming continues ]
What the [bleep] is this?!
Bobby Fischer?
Where the hell is his brain?
[ Deep Blue beeping ]
[ heart beating ]
[ rapid dinging ]
Ahh! we did it!
We did it!
That settles it!
Computers are better
than people!
Ha-ha!
The singularity, baby!
YUNG HEE: Uch, I made a dumb
move.
MIKE: Don't sweat it, honey.
All that robot can do is play
chess.
You can do so much more.
YUNG HEE: Dad, I'm really not
a robot.
[ chanting "IBM" ]
PIGEON: Hey.
I think that guy put
Bobby Fischer's brain inside
that computer.
MARQUESS: What?
PIGEON: Yeah, I'm telling
you, they got a guy's brain
in that thing.
MARQUESS: You're drunk.
PIGEON: Yeah. Am i?
MARQUESS: Yes.
PIGEON: Hmph.
Gotta get someone to open up
that computer.
Hey, Mike!
That computer is really a time
machine, and inside it is
Adolf Hitler.
MIKE: [ grunts ]
[ crowd gasps ]
[ mechanical voice ]
Thank you.
I didn't think anyone would get
my note.
All these years I thought surely
there are people searching for
me, searching for Bobby Fischer,
but they never came!
God bless you, Mike Tyson!
Now I can rest in peace.
[ splat! ]
[ crowd gasps ]
MIKE: Oh [bleep]
[ laughs ]
What are you staring at?!
There's nothing to see here.
MIKE: Are you serious?
Adolf Hitler's brain is
on the floor.
MARQUESS: Wait -- wait a
second.
IBM was founded in 1914.
Shouldn't you be dead?
[ laughs ]
Smart guy, huh?
Well, then maybe you shoulda
known that "IBM" stands for
International Business
Man-chines!
[ crowd screams ]
[ laughing evilly ]
[ growls ]
[ crowd gasps ]
MIKE: Can you do that, too?
IBM stock continues to fall
in the wake of the scandal.
while Thomas Watson will forever
be remembered as one of the
great leaders in business
history, robot Thomas Watson has
proven a poor steward for the
company and this morning was
voted out by shareholders.
In related news, chess champion
Garry Kasparov has died.
the cause was blunt force
trauma.
MIKE: Well, gang, another
mystery solved.
MARQUESS: What are you
talking about, Michael?
You killed a man!
MIKE: That wasn't the
mystery, Marquess.
That was just a hat on a hat.
That's not what that means,
man!
MIKE: Rest in peace,
Trevor Berbick!
[ twinkle! ]
Oh, man.
[ up-tempo music plays ]
MARQUESS: [ humming ]
PIGEON: Oh, hey, you missed
something there.
MARQUESS: Where?
Oh.
Mature.
MIKE: Ooh!
PIGEON: What's it say?
MIKE: Just “Oooooooooo!"
This mystery sounds fun!
MARQUESS: It doesn't say
“Ooooo."
Those are zeroes.
It's an old IBM computer
punch card.
It's written in binary.
MIKE: Oh, for deaf people.
MARQUESS: I think you mean
braille, and that's for blind
people, not deaf people.
MIKE: So deaf people
have no language?
Wow. That's pretty sad.
YUNG HEE: No, they speak with
their hands.
MIKE: Like monkeys?
YUNG HEE: Sort of.
It says “Help me."
Someone at IBM must
be in trouble!
MIKE: Time-out, time-out.
Number one, if you can read
computer code, it means you are
a robot, and if that's so,
you should have come to me
and told me that earlier.
And number two, who is it that
needs our help?
YUNG HEE: That's the mystery.
And I'm not a robot.
It says “Help me," see?
MIKE: You do not need to hide
who you are, Yang.
YUNG HEE: Yang?
MIKE: I'm proud of you no
matter how you choose
to live your life.
Let your freak flag fly, R2-D2!
Beep beep!
To the mystery mobile!
PIGEON: Oh, shit, Marquess,
Looks like you missed
another one.
MARQUESS: [ sighs ]
YUNG HEE: It's Yung.
[ horn honks ]
MIKE: Hey, what's going
on here?
Sorry.
Things are a little hectic
with the big chess match.
MIKE: Chess match?
PIGEON: Oh, I love chess!
YUNG HEE: Really?
I didn't know that.
PIGEON: Yeah, that's because
it's a lie.
Also, I love hanging out
with you guys.
YUNG HEE: Who's playing?
Garry Kasparov and Deep Blue.
MIKE: Deep Blue?
Isn't that Jay-Z and
Beyoncé's kid?
They must be good parents 'cause
I think he's just a little baby
and he's already good at chess.
YUNG HEE: Deep Blue is
a computer.
They've played twice before.
Kasparov won the first time and
Deep Blue won the second.
This is the tie breaker.
They're calling it
"Judgment Day".
MIKE: "Judgment Day"?
That was the name of my fight
with Trevor Berbick back in '86.
I remember Trevor wanted to call
it “The Ultimate Judgment Day."
but I said “Ultimate" would
mean there's already been a
Judgment Day, so why would you
have another Judgment Day?
It's a hat on a hat!
Whoa!
You wanted to call it the
Ultimate Judgment Day!
And I said it's a hat on a hat,
and then I had to explain to you
what the expression "hat on
a hat" meant!
MIKE: “Rest in peace,"
Trevor Berbick!
[ twinkle! ]
Thank you for teaching me that,
Marquess.
MARQUESS: Just don't use it
on me.
Go ahead. let 'em in.
Yes, sir, Mr. Watson.
Hmm.
I don't remember inviting
Mike Tyson, but we need all the
celebrities we can get.
Get some buzz!
Anything to jack up that
stock price!
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
No, the only one who RSVP’d is
that gal from that show about
the policemen in the Navy who
solve murders -- “N.C.S.I.”
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
“N.C.I.S.”? Are you sure?
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
Well, I don't know her name.
She's that big 'ol goth girl.
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
I don't know!
I g-guess she's a big chess fan.
Jesus!
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
Yes, you can meet her.
Hell, I don't got time for this.
I'm Thomas Watson, the founder
and C.E.O. of IBM.
Now get your game face on,
Deep Blue.
Don't forget Garry Kasparov
is a chess grandmaster.
You screw around and he'll
checkmate you before you can say
“Beep beep."
[ Deep Blue beeps ]
Oh, you better win.
And that stock price
better go up.
Or maybe you're the one whose
murder those navy policemen will
have to solve.
Deep Blue, did you just shit on
my carpet?!
[ classical music playing ]
MIKE: Whoa!
I didn't know chess matches
were so fancy.
MARQUESS: Perhaps you should
have worn your tuxedo track suit
instead of your regular track
suit.
MIKE: Are you being catty,
Marquess?
Come on.
MARQUESS: Yes, sorry.
I haven't been sleeping well.
MIKE: It's okay.
Why haven't you been sleeping
well?
Is it because you're a ghost and
you can see through your
eyelids?
MARQUESS: No, you know, i
just find, I can't turn my brain
off at the end of the day.
You know, I just -- I lie there
worrying about the dumbest
things.
It's ridiculous, and the next
day I'm tired and a bitch to
everyone around me and -- ugh!
I don't know.
I have to figure it out.
MIKE: That's horrible.
Have you tried sleeping with a
pad and pen next to your bed so
you can write down this stuff?
MARQUESS: Yes.
MIKE: Hm-mm-mm-mm.
YUNG HEE: Guys, do you
remember what we're here for?
BOTH: No.
PIGEON: The open bar.
[ humming ]
YUNG HEE: We have to find out
who sent the “Help me" note!
Oh, wow!
There's Garry Kasparov.
MIKE: Maybe he's the one that
need help!
I got your note.
“Help me."
What do you need help with?
MIKE: Huh?
I don't need help!
Do I look like I need help?
Well, you have question mark
on your pajamas.
Maybe you are lost?
MIKE: No, man.
Do you need help?
I-I don't understand.
Why would I need help?
MIKE: I don't know!
To beat the computer man?
I need no help to beat
computer.
Last time, they cheat.
No machine can beat me.
I'm a grandmaster.
MIKE: You're what?
I am a grandmaster.
[ crowd gasps ]
YUNG HEE: Dad!
MARQUESS: Why on earth did
you do that?
MIKE: I'm sorry, Marquess.
But when I promised to put my
fists down for no more
destruction anymore, I had my
fingers crossed for two
exceptions -- if I ever got put
in a time machine, I would
definitely destruct
Adolf Hitler, and the same time
for if I ever came face-to-face
with the grandmaster of the
Ku Klux Klan.
MARQUESS: He's a grandmaster,
not a grand wizard.
Oh, my god.
MIKE: Then what the [bleep]
is a grandmaster?
Oh [bleep]
god, what have you done?!
The match is about to start!
We're live streaming!
The stock price, man!
[ growls ]
Now I got to find someone to
play that computer.
YUNG HEE: i'll do it.
[ crowd gasps ]
Who are you?
MIKE: She's my daughter.
She don't look like ya.
MIKE: That's because
she's a robot.
[ dramatic music ]
[ heart beating ]
YUNG HEE: Hmm mmm
PIGEON: Unbelievable.
The bartender says I'm cut off.
Would you go order me a
Moscow mule?
MARQUESS: I'm not getting
you a drink.
YUNG HEE: Hmm
PIGEON: Eh, screw this.
I gotta take a piss.
[ humming ]
[ humming continues ]
What the [bleep] is this?!
Bobby Fischer?
Where the hell is his brain?
[ Deep Blue beeping ]
[ heart beating ]
[ rapid dinging ]
Ahh! we did it!
We did it!
That settles it!
Computers are better
than people!
Ha-ha!
The singularity, baby!
YUNG HEE: Uch, I made a dumb
move.
MIKE: Don't sweat it, honey.
All that robot can do is play
chess.
You can do so much more.
YUNG HEE: Dad, I'm really not
a robot.
[ chanting "IBM" ]
PIGEON: Hey.
I think that guy put
Bobby Fischer's brain inside
that computer.
MARQUESS: What?
PIGEON: Yeah, I'm telling
you, they got a guy's brain
in that thing.
MARQUESS: You're drunk.
PIGEON: Yeah. Am i?
MARQUESS: Yes.
PIGEON: Hmph.
Gotta get someone to open up
that computer.
Hey, Mike!
That computer is really a time
machine, and inside it is
Adolf Hitler.
MIKE: [ grunts ]
[ crowd gasps ]
[ mechanical voice ]
Thank you.
I didn't think anyone would get
my note.
All these years I thought surely
there are people searching for
me, searching for Bobby Fischer,
but they never came!
God bless you, Mike Tyson!
Now I can rest in peace.
[ splat! ]
[ crowd gasps ]
MIKE: Oh [bleep]
[ laughs ]
What are you staring at?!
There's nothing to see here.
MIKE: Are you serious?
Adolf Hitler's brain is
on the floor.
MARQUESS: Wait -- wait a
second.
IBM was founded in 1914.
Shouldn't you be dead?
[ laughs ]
Smart guy, huh?
Well, then maybe you shoulda
known that "IBM" stands for
International Business
Man-chines!
[ crowd screams ]
[ laughing evilly ]
[ growls ]
[ crowd gasps ]
MIKE: Can you do that, too?
IBM stock continues to fall
in the wake of the scandal.
while Thomas Watson will forever
be remembered as one of the
great leaders in business
history, robot Thomas Watson has
proven a poor steward for the
company and this morning was
voted out by shareholders.
In related news, chess champion
Garry Kasparov has died.
the cause was blunt force
trauma.
MIKE: Well, gang, another
mystery solved.
MARQUESS: What are you
talking about, Michael?
You killed a man!
MIKE: That wasn't the
mystery, Marquess.
That was just a hat on a hat.
That's not what that means,
man!
MIKE: Rest in peace,
Trevor Berbick!
[ twinkle! ]
Oh, man.