Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[ up-tempo music playing ]
[ horns honking ]
YUNG HEE: I can't believe
we're picking up someone from
the airport.
MARQUEE: I have to agree.
there is nothing mysterious
about an airport run.
MIKE: Open your mind,
Marquess.
Is the person who needs a ride
visiting or do they live here?
Mystery.
How was their flight? Mystery.
Do they just have a carry-on or
did they check in their luggage?
All mysteries.
So let's go solve it.
PIGEON: I think this is our
guy.
Pull over.
MIKE: Where?
PIGEON: Right there.
The old guy waving directly at
us.
MIKE: Nobody will let me in.
YUNG HEE: This woman's trying
to let you in.
Go!
[ horn honks ]
MIKE: It's not safe.
YUNG HEE: You drive so
scared, you make it not safe.
MIKE: I drive defensively
because i've been in a lot of
fender benders, okay?
ALL: Go!
MIKE: Jesus christ!
You guys shouldn't be yelling at
me.
It discombobulates me!
Gol-ly!
What the hell?
YUNG HEE: No one's yelling at
you.
You just have to go.
Took you long enough.
You think i'd summoned you by
carrier pigeon.
YUNG HEE: You did.
Well, by all means, use a
cellphone then, if you want the
NSA listening to your private
conversations.
PIGEON: Hey, your jacket says
“Buzz Aldrin."
You're not the astronaut
Buzz Aldrin, are you?
No, I'm the jazz singer
Buzz Aldrin.
Of course I'm the astronaut.
You think they give these NASA
jackets to anybody?
MIKE: Where are we going?
Caesars Palace.
MIKE: where are we going?
I'm seeing that Elton John show
tonight.
I'm supposed to join him onstage
for a duet of "Rocket Man."
That's a hell of a song, but if
he tries anything on me, I will
knock him out.
MARQUEE: Yeah, I doubt
you're his type.
Crimine, it's hot in here.
We need some A.C.
ALL: No!
MIKE: No, please don't do
that.
What the hell?
[ clicking ]
Damn it!
MIKE: Oh, I'm sorry, man.
When you turn on the A.C., the
heat comes on full blast.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
I'm trying to get it fixed.
Why won't it turn off?
MIKE: That's why we call it
the Mystery Mobile.
Damn it!
[ rattling, heater shuts off ]
MIKE: Wow. whenever I did
that, the engine would fall out,
but the heat would keep blowing.
YUNG HEE: Dad, shouldn't you
be watching the road?
Yeah, that was the secret to
keeping the oxygen going on that
old piece of crap Apollo 11,
too.
MIKE: Do you know any other
secrets?
YUNG HEE: Dad.
MIKE: Like daylight savings
time.
It happened, but this clock
never knew it, you know?
Secrets?
[ chuckles ]
I happen to know the biggest
secret on Earth.
Or maybe the universe.
YUNG HEE: Can you stop
talking to my dad right now?
And it involves you.
YUNG HEE: Dad, the road.
[ all screaming ]
MIKE: Oh, man!
Another fender bender? Man!
Is everybody okay back there?
YUNG HEE: [ groans ]
MARQUEE: Oh, myoh, yes.
PIGEON: Oh, it looks like our
astronaut took flight.
MIKE: Oh, sh
[ glass shatters ]
Wake up.
PIGEON: Well, he can't
because he's dead.
YUNG HEE: Oh, my god.
PIGEON: You know, at least he
beat Neil Armstrong to
something.
[ dialing ]
YUNG HEE: Neil Armstrong
already died.
PIGEON: Really?
When did that happen?
YUNG HEE: A few years ago.
PIGEON: Huh.
Always a bridesmaid.
MIKE: Yes, that is correct.
No injuries.
Well, one death.
Mr. Tyson, can you tell me
anything about the victim?
MIKE: Yes, he was an
astronaut.
Oh, and right before he died, he
was about to tell me the biggest
secret in the universe.
[ siren wails ]
May I put you on hold while I
enter this?
It may take a moment.
We have multiple ongoing
investigations concerning other
collisions you've been involved
in, curiously also involving
fatalities to astronauts, so i
just want to make sure we file
these claims correctly.
if we get disconnected, my name
is Julius and my direct dial is
MIKE: Okay.
Thank you, Julius.
[ muzak playing ]
Mr. Tyson, although this is
just your fourth collision this
year, because the number of
fatalities is 10, that may
affect your premium.
And they're all astronauts.
MIKE: [ gasps ]
Although, I don't think that
will affect your premium.
[ siren wails ]
MIKE: How many astronauts
have I killed?
Please do not admit liability
until your claims are settled.
MIKE: Okay, how many
astronauts have been killed?
Uh10 astronauts.
Is there anything else I can do
for you today?
MIKE: No, thank you, ma'am.
Would you be willing to take
a short customer-service survey
about your experience today?
MIKE: How long would it take?
About 15 minutes.
MIKE: Sure.
Thank you for taking this
brief survey.
Was your claim representative
courteous?
[ horns honking ]
You can say "surpassed my
expectations," "met my
expectations"
[ drill whirring ]
MARQUESS: Michael, try to calm
down.
Just breathe, okay?
Let's be rational.
MIKE: I have killed 10
astronaut, Marquess.
[ sniffles ]
Okay. Think rationally.
MARQUEE: Good.
MIKE: Do I have anything
against astronauts?
No way.
Because when I became
heavyweight champion of the
world, it was my dream that an
astronaut might take me to other
worlds
MARQUESS: Mm-hmm.
MIKE: for me to be
heavyweight champion of those
worlds, too.
MARQUEE: Okay.
MIKE: I love astronauts.
MARQUEE: Uh, okay.
MIKE: So why am I killing
astronauts?
MARQUEE: Work through it.
MIKE: Think rationally.
MARQUEE: Okay, good.
MIKE: I used to be filled
with so much rage, I wanted to
kill everyone.
But I replaced that rage with
love.
But now it's coming back and
It's focused on astronauts!
MARQUEE: Rage down.
MIKE: I know what's
happening.
The government has implanted a
chip in me.
MARQUEE: Nope, the
government didn't do that.
MIKE: And that chip is making
me kill astronauts!
MARQUEE: Nope, I guarantee
there's no chip in you.
MIKE: But why?
Think rationally, Michael!
MARQUEE: Stop saying
"rationally," 'cause you don't
know what it means
MIKE: Astronauts must have
seen something up there in space
that they weren't supposed to
see.
I am in a race against time to
find out the biggest secret in
the universe before I kill any
more astronauts.
Listen up.
While the rest of us find a
rocket and go in space to solve
The mystery, one of you is gonna
have to stay here with the
mystery mobile.
PIGEON: Me!
YUNG HEE: I will!
PIGEON: I was first.
MIKE: it's true.
MARQUEE: Wait.
Did he say, “Find a rocket and
go up in space?"
What?! Did we miss that?
MIKE: See if you can get him
to fix the A.C., okay?
[ door closes ]
PIGEON: Hmm.
Black guy, a gay guy, and a
Chinese girl get into a cab.
[ chuckles ]
It's like the start of a joke.
Black guy says he forgot his
wallet.
Gay guy says he didn't bring his
wallet 'cause he assumed the
black guy was paying because he
thought they were on a date.
Chinese girl just keeps saying
“Me so horny."
[ chuckles ]
"me so horny."
[ chuckles ]
no.
[ chuckles ]
no.
no, it needs a rabbi.
no.
no, it needs a rabbi.
that's what it needs -- a rabbi.
no, it needs a rabbi.
that's what it needs -- a rabbi.
[ chuckles ]
that's what it needs -- a rabbi.
[ chuckles ]
I think it's a pretty good joke
[ chuckles ]
I think it's a pretty good joke
right now.
I think it's a pretty good joke
right now.
[ crowd cheering ]
right now.
[ crowd cheering ]
you know, there's someone in
[ crowd cheering ]
you know, there's someone in
the audience tonight, and i'd
you know, there's someone in
the audience tonight, and i'd
like to ask him to come up here
the audience tonight, and i'd
like to ask him to come up here
and help me with this next song.
like to ask him to come up here
and help me with this next song.
he's a real-life Rocket Man.
and help me with this next song.
he's a real-life Rocket Man.
mr. Buzz Aldrin!
he's a real-life Rocket Man.
mr. Buzz Aldrin!
[ cheers and applause ]
mr. Buzz Aldrin!
[ cheers and applause ]
[ alarm blaring ]
[ cheers and applause ]
[ alarm blaring ]
MIKE: I can't believe
[ alarm blaring ]
MIKE: I can't believe
Elton John is letting us borrow
MIKE: I can't believe
Elton John is letting us borrow
his rocket.
Elton John is letting us borrow
his rocket.
YUNG HEE: his name is
his rocket.
YUNG HEE: his name is
elon musk.
YUNG HEE: his name is
elon musk.
and he said "no."
elon musk.
and he said "no."
he was trying to stop you, and
and he said "no."
he was trying to stop you, and
you hit him and might have
he was trying to stop you, and
you hit him and might have
killed him.
you hit him and might have
killed him.
I feel sick.
killed him.
I feel sick.
MIKE: oh, yung, don't be so
I feel sick.
MIKE: oh, yung, don't be so
worried.
MIKE: oh, yung, don't be so
worried.
I promise you i'll make it back.
worried.
I promise you i'll make it back.
MARQUEE: michael, you can't
I promise you i'll make it back.
MARQUEE: michael, you can't
do this alone.
MARQUEE: michael, you can't
do this alone.
MIKE: if you go with me to
do this alone.
MIKE: if you go with me to
space, that would make you an
MIKE: if you go with me to
space, that would make you an
astronaut.
space, that would make you an
astronaut.
then I might try and kill you.
astronaut.
then I might try and kill you.
MARQUEE: no, I -- no, I mean
then I might try and kill you.
MARQUEE: no, I -- no, I mean
you can't operate a rocket.
MARQUEE: no, I -- no, I mean
you can't operate a rocket.
you don't know anything about
you can't operate a rocket.
you don't know anything about
it.
you don't know anything about
it.
MIKE: marquess, I guess you
it.
MIKE: marquess, I guess you
could come, because you're
MIKE: marquess, I guess you
could come, because you're
already dead, so I can't kill
could come, because you're
already dead, so I can't kill
you.
already dead, so I can't kill
you.
MARQUEE: okay, uh, again, i
you.
MARQUEE: okay, uh, again, i
wasn't offering to go with you.
MARQUEE: okay, uh, again, i
wasn't offering to go with you.
none of us should get in that
wasn't offering to go with you.
none of us should get in that
rocket, because none of us knows
none of us should get in that
rocket, because none of us knows
anything about flying a rocket.
rocket, because none of us knows
anything about flying a rocket.
[ beeping ]
anything about flying a rocket.
[ beeping ]
MIKE: it can't be any harder
[ beeping ]
MIKE: it can't be any harder
than driving a car, and I do
MIKE: it can't be any harder
than driving a car, and I do
that.
than driving a car, and I do
that.
now, yung, if, while I'm up
that.
now, yung, if, while I'm up
there, I suddenly realize i
now, yung, if, while I'm up
there, I suddenly realize i
myself -- I am an astronaut and
there, I suddenly realize i
myself -- I am an astronaut and
I kill myself, just know that i
myself -- I am an astronaut and
I kill myself, just know that i
love you and I hope that you
I kill myself, just know that i
love you and I hope that you
carry on my work in my name and
love you and I hope that you
carry on my work in my name and
in my image.
carry on my work in my name and
in my image.
YUNG HEE: wait.
in my image.
YUNG HEE: wait.
w-what are you --
YUNG HEE: wait.
w-what are you --
[ squeaking ]
w-what are you --
[ squeaking ]
MIKE: oh, nuts!
[ squeaking ]
MIKE: oh, nuts!
I put it on the wrong side.
MIKE: oh, nuts!
I put it on the wrong side.
[ squeaking ]
I put it on the wrong side.
[ squeaking ]
oh, you got the wrong face for
[ squeaking ]
oh, you got the wrong face for
this tattoo.
oh, you got the wrong face for
this tattoo.
maybe i'll just fill it all in.
this tattoo.
maybe i'll just fill it all in.
[ squeaking ]
maybe i'll just fill it all in.
[ squeaking ]
oh, man.
[ squeaking ]
oh, man.
you look like dionne warwick.
oh, man.
you look like dionne warwick.
[ sirens wailing ]
well, at least I have the
satisfaction of knowing my
rocket will get there before
satisfaction of knowing my
rocket will get there before
that prick richard branson.
rocket will get there before
that prick richard branson.
[ beeping ]
[ beeping intensifies ]
MIKE: [ thinking ] mm, looks
so peaceful from here.
I wonder what planet it is.
so peaceful from here.
I wonder what planet it is.
what is up here?
I wonder what planet it is.
what is up here?
what was buzz trying to tell me?
what is up here?
what was buzz trying to tell me?
hmm. better than walking.
oh, man. it's dark on this side.
aah!
MIKE: oh, man!
aah!
MIKE: oh, man!
another fender bender?!
MIKE: oh, man!
another fender bender?!
oh, sh
another fender bender?!
oh, sh
[ speed-dialing ]
oh, sh
[ speed-dialing ]
this is Julius.
[ speed-dialing ]
this is Julius.
MIKE: Julius?
this is Julius.
MIKE: Julius?
um, I got in another fender
MIKE: Julius?
um, I got in another fender
bender and I killed another
um, I got in another fender
bender and I killed another
astronaut.
bender and I killed another
astronaut.
I mean, I got in a fender
astronaut.
I mean, I got in a fender
bender, and, as a result,
I mean, I got in a fender
bender, and, as a result,
another astronaut was killed.
bender, and, as a result,
another astronaut was killed.
[ groans ]
another astronaut was killed.
[ groans ]
MIKE: no, wait!
[ groans ]
MIKE: no, wait!
I think he might be all right.
MIKE: no, wait!
I think he might be all right.
[ gasps ]
I think he might be all right.
[ gasps ]
MIKE: hold on one second.
[ gasps ]
MIKE: hold on one second.
he's trying to speak, but i
MIKE: hold on one second.
he's trying to speak, but i
can't hear him.
he's trying to speak, but i
can't hear him.
[ groans ]
can't hear him.
[ groans ]
MIKE: nope.
[ groans ]
MIKE: nope.
man, that means 11 astronauts.
MIKE: nope.
man, that means 11 astronauts.
actually, this will be just
man, that means 11 astronauts.
actually, this will be just
the second astronaut fatality.
actually, this will be just
the second astronaut fatality.
the other fatalities were
the second astronaut fatality.
the other fatalities were
astronomers, not astronauts.
the other fatalities were
astronomers, not astronauts.
our filing system has a new
astronomers, not astronauts.
our filing system has a new
smart-type feature --
our filing system has a new
smart-type feature --
MIKE: hold up, hold up.
smart-type feature --
MIKE: hold up, hold up.
are you saying I'm not an
MIKE: hold up, hold up.
are you saying I'm not an
astronaut-killing machine?
are you saying I'm not an
astronaut-killing machine?
if anything, you're an
astronaut-killing machine?
if anything, you're an
astronomer-killing machine.
if anything, you're an
astronomer-killing machine.
MIKE: hoooo!
astronomer-killing machine.
MIKE: hoooo!
but, again, until these
MIKE: hoooo!
but, again, until these
claims are settled, please do
but, again, until these
claims are settled, please do
not admit liability.
claims are settled, please do
not admit liability.
anything else I can do for you?
not admit liability.
anything else I can do for you?
MIKE: no, thank you, Julius.
anything else I can do for you?
MIKE: no, thank you, Julius.
I knew deep down in my heart i
MIKE: no, thank you, Julius.
I knew deep down in my heart i
loved astronauts.
I knew deep down in my heart i
loved astronauts.
mind taking another short
loved astronauts.
mind taking another short
survey?
mind taking another short
survey?
MIKE: no, ma'am.
survey?
MIKE: no, ma'am.
you know, I came up here to
MIKE: no, ma'am.
you know, I came up here to
outer space to find out what
you know, I came up here to
outer space to find out what
secret the astronauts knew, but
outer space to find out what
secret the astronauts knew, but
now that I know that I am not
secret the astronauts knew, but
now that I know that I am not
killing astronauts -- well,
now that I know that I am not
killing astronauts -- well,
except for two -- I don't need
killing astronauts -- well,
except for two -- I don't need
to find out what the secret is.
except for two -- I don't need
to find out what the secret is.
unless you know the secret.
to find out what the secret is.
unless you know the secret.
do you want to tell me the
unless you know the secret.
do you want to tell me the
secret, Julius?
do you want to tell me the
secret, Julius?
thank you for taking this
secret, Julius?
thank you for taking this
brief survey.
thank you for taking this
brief survey.
was your claim representative
brief survey.
was your claim representative
courteous?
where are you going?
I don't know!
but someone is killing
I don't know!
but someone is killing
astronomers because of the
but someone is killing
astronomers because of the
secret!
astronomers because of the
secret!
[ gasping ] oh, god! oh, god!
secret!
[ gasping ] oh, god! oh, god!
[ rattling ]
[ gasping ] oh, god! oh, god!
[ rattling ]
MIKE: ooh, pigeon!
[ rattling ]
MIKE: ooh, pigeon!
that A.C. blows cold, baby!
MIKE: ooh, pigeon!
that A.C. blows cold, baby!
MARQUEE: but, michael!
that A.C. blows cold, baby!
MARQUEE: but, michael!
[ screams ]
MARQUEE: but, michael!
[ screams ]
[ tires screech ]
[ screams ]
[ tires screech ]
MIKE: oh, man.
[ tires screech ]
MIKE: oh, man.
another fender bender?
MIKE: oh, man.
another fender bender?
[ speed-dialing ]
another fender bender?
[ speed-dialing ]
this is Julius.
you can say "surpassed my
expectations," "met my
expectations"
expectations," "met my
expectations"
MIKE: past my expectations.
expectations"
MIKE: past my expectations.
or "fell short of my
MIKE: past my expectations.
or "fell short of my
expectations.
or "fell short of my
expectations.
MIKE: past my expectations.