Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e19 Episode Script

1
The TV, TV's on baby!
Deezy, my neezy,
come on, man!
-Oh, where?
-Right here.
It's time.
It's game time.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
-(HUMMING)
-(INCOHERENT RAMBLING)
I'm in a dinosaur.
I knocked a mother (BEEP)
Tyrannosaurus Rex out.
Whoo!
I'm pretty baby!
All right, what are we
waiting for? Let's do this,
to the Mystery Mobile.
-Whoa, wait! We need Yung.
-We don't need Yung.
-Who doesn't need me?
-Ah, Jesus Christ!
We got a new mystery.
-Oh, what's it say?
-It doesn't matter, let's go!
To the Mystery Mobile!
-Let me see what it says.
-It doesn't (BEEP) matter!
What? They're all the same,
let's go!
Let me see it!
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery team,
"I want to get into porn,
but I don't know how."
signed, Leslie.
-Urgh, really?
-Yes.
Really, this is a girl,
who is asking for our help!
And as a Mystery Team member,
it is my job,
nay, my duty,
to provide that help!
And if any of you wanna come,
then don't come!
But I for one,
am coming!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, yes,
I will be coming.
To the mystery mobile!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Ah, look how beautiful!
I've never been in this part
of the country before.
These are the red states,
Marquess.
People like me and you,
we gotta watch it,
around here.
You too, Yung.
It's up here on the right.
-So uh, how do I look?
-Ugly, like always.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, burn on you, Pigeon,
you got binged man!
You got binged by Yung.
You got Yung-ed!
(KNOCKING)
Uh, hey, old timer!
We're here to see Leslie.
I'm Leslie,
Leslie Callahan.
Oh, my goodness, Mike Tyson,
you got my note!
Come, come!
Ha, there will be no coming.
Oh, on the other hand,
never say never.
I don't want my wife
to hear us.
What, you have a wife?
Yes sir, fellow.
And I don't want her
to hear us talking
about any of this.
I bet you don't.
All right,
let's just get to it.
What kind of porn
are we talking about?
Gay, straight, don't tell me
you're an old bi.
Porn, as in pornography?
Yeah, you said
you wanted to get into porn.
Parm, I want to
get into Parm.
What the (BEEP) is Parm?
It's the Italian restaurant
in town
and I believe it's short
for parmesan or something.
This says, "porn"!
And it was written by a girl!
I had to write it
with my left hand!
My writing hand got bit
by Lady, our draft horse.
She's gotten real aggressive,
in her old age.
Now, can you help me
get a reservation
to Parm or not?
Why can't you do it,
you old hillbilly?
I wouldn't know
how to go about it.
My wife does
that sort of thing
and I want this
to be a surprise!
-It's our anniversary.
-Aw.
-Do you have a phone?
-I think so.
-My wife usually handles
that sort of thing.
-Oh, my God.
I got a phone, Leslie.
Let me look it up.
-Parm, on highway 60?
-That's the one!
-What time do you want
the reservation?
-Hmm
Well, this is
a pretty special occasion.
I want it to be romantic.
4:00, 4:30?
Better make it 4:00.
Make 4 o'clock?
Highway 60?
Shitty Italian restaurant,
hmm, she's a lucky lady!
Oh, hi, I'm calling in
to make a reservation today
for 2 people at 4 o'clock.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah,
they don't take reservations.
But they say
there's always a table.
(SIGHS)
I don't know how you did it.
But I can't
thank you all enough.
Well, mystery solved.
Let's get the (BEEP)
out of here.
Well, not every mystery
is going to be a nail-biter.
How much longer
until we're home?
Twenty-one hours.
-(CRUNCHING)
-What was that?
I'm sure it was nothing.
Is that smoke,
coming from the back
of our car?
Well, I wouldn't know.
I don't ever look back.
I always keep looking forward
just like the old saying,
"Don't ever look back,
always keep looking forward."
-(ENGINE HISSING)
-Oh (BEEP), something's
wrong with the van!
-YUNG: Dad, pull over!
-MARQUESS: Michael, we can't
see a thing, Michael.
MIKE: It's okay,
I think it's clearing.
MARQUESS: It's not
clearing, Michael.
Well, you have an
oil leak for sure,
and if that's all it is,
we can have you back
on the road to Hollywood
in a couple of hours.
I'll give you a call,
when it's ready.
What the hell
are we supposed to do
for a couple of hours?
Welcome to Parm!
Are you all here
for dinner or supper?
What the (BEEP)
are you talking about?
Well, we just put away
all the dinner menus,
so we only have supper menus.
But if you want a dinner menu,
I can try and get you one.
And what the hell
is the difference?
They're pretty much the same,
but the dinner menu's got
some breakfast items on it.
Oh, God!
There's Leslie.
I'm sorry, could you
seat us on this side
of the restaurant?
Well, sure!
You can sit wherever you like.
The rush is just about over.
Well, hello there, friends!
Why, I thought by now
you'd be back sitting
on the beach in Hollywood!
We're having
a little car trouble.
So, we're just gonna, um,
grab a quick bite
before we go.
Then come
and sit with us.
Virgilia!
Oh, no,
we don't wanna intrude.
Nonsense, we insist.
Virgilia!
These are the ones
I was telling you about.
Michael, you wanna
check on the van? Please, now!
Oh, Leslie's told me
so much about you all.
(GREETING EACH OTHER)
Oh, do you need a chair
for your little bird?
Or does he sit
with one of you?
-I'll take a chair.
-They got some crackers
at the salad bar.
-Polly want a cracker?
-(CHUCKLES)
(BEEP) you.
Um, I'll take a rum and coke.
Oh, this is a dry county.
-Oh, my God!
-The van won't be ready
till tomorrow.
We're gonna have to
spend the night.
-You got any hotels
around here?
-Hotel?
This isn't Hollywood,
young man.
There's not a hotel
on every corner.
No, you stay with us!
We insist!
Lord, shepherd our guests
into slumber
Lord, shepherd our guests
into sleep
Lord,
watch over these children
Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord! ♪
-Ah, thank you,
that was
-(SINGING CONTINUES)
Lord, hold them up
to your glory
Lord, pull them down
to your breast
Lord, keep them safe
and protect them
Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord! ♪
-Good night.
-Sleep tight,
don't let the bed bugs bite.
And we do get a lot
of bed bugs this time of year.
(COUGHING)
(MATTRESS CREAKING)
(COUGHING CONTINUES)
-(COUGHING)
-YUNG: Are you okay?
MARQUESS: Ahem, I'm fine.
(FARTING)
-MARQUESS: Sorry.
-PIGEON: Jesus Christ!
I gotta go
find some alcohol.
All right,
where do they keep it?
Let's think here.
Religious, ashamed, secretive.
Under the sink,
with the cleaning supplies!
Bingo!
(CHUCKLES)
Ah, I see you found my stash.
-(GASPS) Who are you?
-I'm Annabelle Callahan.
The farmer's daughter.
I didn't know people
actually call themselves that.
I'm Richard,
one of the members
of a mystery team.
You gonna pour me a drink
or just keep staring at me
with that bottle in your hand?
Ah, you gonna tell me
where the glasses are,
or just keep being
an unhelpful bitch
standing in the doorway?
-Thank you, Ma'am.
-And we've got waffles coming
so save room!
(PIGEON HUMMING)
Well, good morning,
my friends!
Damn, are these hot cakes?
I'm starving,
you know why?
Huh?
-Anybody, want to know why?
-No.
Huh? I'm starving
because I ejaculated a ton
last night, that's why!
And I wasn't masturbating.
If you know what I mean.
(LAUGHS GLOATINGLY)
Ha, and I think that you do.
I don't wanna kiss and tell.
Well, I (BEEP)
the farmer's daughter
last night.
-What?
-Yeah.
Yeah, here she is,
Annabelle.
My sweet, Annabelle.
Mmm
Here are those waffles,
I promised you.
-Oh, good morning, bird.
-Good morning, Ma'am.
Say, where's that lovely
daughter of yours?
Will she be joining us
for breakfast?
-(GASPS)
-(PLATE SHATTERS)
Our daughter has been dead
for 6 years.
LESLIE: I said it before
and I'll say it again.
Our daughter has been
dead for six years.
(SOBBING)
Virgilia!
It's been six years,
but to her,
it's like it was yesterday.
Virgilia!
Oh, my God.
This is not good.
This is really not good.
I don't know what waffles
you're eating because
mine's very good.
You should not have
had sex with a ghost!
The (BLEEP) was I supposed
to know she was a ghost?
-Why? What's gonna happen?
-I don't know!
(STAMMERING) I just
remember, when you die,
the first thing they tell you,
the very first thing
they say is,
the dead cannot (BLEEP)
the living and the living
cannot (BLEEP) the dead.
And I remember I was like,
"Where am I? Is this heaven?
"Are you God?"
And they're like, "Shut up!"
They grab you by the shoulders
and they shake you and they
say, "Shut up, you (BLEEP)!"
They shake you and they say,
"Don't worry about any of that
right now, you (BLEEP)!"
The only thing that matters
is that you are not allowed
to (BLEEP) the living
and the living
better not (BLEEP) you!
-They use the word (BLEEP)?
-I know!
I know! It is shocking.
The whole thing
is unbelievably shocking.
-Well, did they say
what would happen?
-No!
They just said something
(BLEEP) up would happen.
The whole universe
would be (BLEEP).
So crass!
Who are these people?
Angels, God. All of them.
(SIREN BLARING)
PIGEON: What is that?
It's a warning siren.
For a tornado.
Oh!
Oh, no! This is it!
This is the end!
-Get away from the window!
-Don't touch me!
We have to get
to the basement.
It doesn't matter!
Nothing can save us,
you stupid bitch!
You don't need
to be saved, you idiot!
You're already dead!
You can die over and over.
That was another
thing they said.
And each time,
it's worse than before!
The next time I come back,
I won't be able
to touch things
or be touched!
And then the death
after that one, oh!
I won't even look
like me anymore. No!
I'll be one of those
"bed sheet with
eyeholes cut out" ghosts.
And I Oh!
Ah, (BLEEP), did you
just wet yourself?
What difference
does it make, Pigeon?
None of it matters!
We're all gonna die
and it's all your fault!
I hate you!
I hate all of you
and I always have!
(SOBBING)
Get it over with,
you (BLEEP) coward!
(SIREN BLARING)
Oh, shit, is that my phone?
-(BEEP)
-(SIREN STOPS)
This is Mike Tyson.
Damn, really?
Okay, well, I guess it takes
the time that it takes.
Thanks for calling.
(BLEEP) Mystery Mobile is not
gonna be ready till tomorrow.
MARQUESS: I'll just
sit here, ready to
take what you've got!
YUNG HEE: Should
we go get him?
PIGEON: Nah.
ANNABELLE: Hey, Richard.
Don't "Hey, Richard" me.
Why didn't you tell me
you were a ghost?
You know I've always prided
myself on the fact
that I've never
(BLEEP) a dead person?
And believe me,
there have been
plenty of opportunities.
What are you talking about?
Your parents told us
you've been dead
for six years.
Ugh, dead to them.
Ever since they found out
I was a stripper,
they refused to acknowledge
my existence.
Oh, my God,
are you Mike Tyson?
LESLIE: What are you
doing in here?
I live here, Daddy!
Not in the main house.
You stay in the barn.
With the other animals.
I'm just doing my laundry!
What for? You're just
gonna strip out of
them clothes anyway!
I hate you, old man!
I hope you die!
-You coming?
-PIGEON: Huh?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
She's not a ghost, Marquess.
She's a stripper.
MARQUESS: Mmm-hmm.
I really got some
egg on my face.
(EXCLAIMS) I'm nude!
What the (BLEEP)
is Dierks Bentley?
Here, grab the wheel.
-What?
-I have to put on my makeup.
I gotta be on stage
in 20 minutes.
Well, I can't really
see anything, but whatever.
Must be nice,
living in Hollywood,
doing whatever you want
whenever you wanna do it.
My cousin went
to Hollywood once.
She said it's nothing but
mai tais and coconut trees
as far as the eye can see.
-Is that true?
-Yes.
I gotta get out of this town.
I got big dreams.
You wanna know what they are?
Listen, should I keep
driving straight or
Oh, go left up here.
I wanna open a pie shop.
Everyone always says
I'm good at two things,
givin' head and makin' pies.
But since there's no such
thing as a givin' head shop,
I guess I'll just
open a pie shop.
Oh, (BLEEP),
you just passed it.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GOAT BLEATING)
LESLIE: Well, I surely
appreciate you gentlemen
helping with the chores.
Oh, it's the least
we can do, sir.
Thank you for letting us
stay another night.
Do I need a bucket?
Oh, no, I got another
job for you, son.
-You like horses?
-Yeah!
This is our draft horse, Lady.
-Ah, she's beautiful.
-You're gonna put her down.
-What?
-Well, I can't do it.
My writing hand
is my shooting hand.
Here, this is a Scolnick arm
single-shot pistol.
It was my granddaddy's
and if it was good
enough for him,
it'll be good enough for you.
She's a good girl.
You wanna shoot her
right between the eyes.
Just don't let that bullet
get high on you.
If it gets above
the brow line,
it'll bounce off
her skull bone
and that'll set her off.
She'll stomp you till
there's nothing left of you.
(LADY SNORTING)
PIGEON: Wait, you
You strip at Parme?
No, the club's round back.
Xxxtra Parme.
Uh, I hope you
brought your wallet
because from
11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.,
these titties ain't free.
Jesus Christ, it's 12:45.
She's an hour and 45 minutes
late to a four-hour shift.
(MILKING)
(BLEATING)
Damn, Marquess,
how'd you do that?
Have you done this before?
No, I've never
done this before.
Shit, you got
so much more than I got!
I didn't get
so much more than you.
Leslie, come see how much
Marquess got out of this goat.
We don't need to show Leslie.
Good Lord, fellow!
Have you done this before?
No, I have not
done this before!
I haven't seen anyone
get that goat to produce
like that since
(VOICE BREAKING)
Since Annabelle.
God rest her soul.
Oh, come on!
Don't you think it's
a bit extreme to say
your daughter's dead to you
just because she's a stripper?
It's not just the strippin'.
It's the taking of the
men she strips for
back to our farm
and druggin' them
and sexin' them
and cuttin' off their penises
and bakin' those
penises into a pie!
What the (BLEEP)
did you just say?
We pleaded with Annabelle
to stop. We said,
"If you continue this
behavior, you'll be
dead to us."
Well, of course she went ahead
and brought another fella
back to the farm
and she sexed him
and cut off his penis
and cooked it up
and put it in a pie.
And so we said,
"Now you've really done it,
"and now you are dead to us!"
(GUN FIRING)
(STAMMERING) It just went off!
I was just holding it
and it went off!
Yeah, it does that
from time to time.
It's a 160-year-old pistol.
Probably should just
be in a museum.
Come on, Yung.
We gotta save Pigeon
before he becomes a penis pie.
Why is there no one else here?
We close at 3:00.
Is that why there's no music?
Uh-uh. Speaker's broke.
You know what you
make me wanna do?
Give me head?
-Make pie.
-Make What?
(SIGHS) Damn.
(BOTH SINGING)
And as you're greeted
in the garden of Jesus
May He shepherd
His grace on ye
Amen ♪
(NEIGHING ANGRILY)
-(GASPS)
-Lady!
(SCREAMS) No!
What the (BLEEP), man?
Where is it?
I told you, with birds,
it doesn't stay
out all the time.
It withdraws up
into the body cavity.
-Well, get it out!
-I can't.
It only comes out
when I'm turned on!
And I'm definitely
not turned on right now.
Then I'll just have
to cut it out myself.
-MARQUESS: Pigeon!
-Let him go!
The only place
his penis is going is with us.
Oh, let's see.
One, two, three more penises
to add to my pie.
Why does everyone
think I'm a boy?
It's your haircut
and I've told you that.
Oh, (BLEEP), we're in trouble.
-No!
-(NEIGHING ANGRILY)
(NEIGHING)
(MARQUESS PANTING)
Oh! She spared us!
She spared our lives!
(NEIGHING ANGRILY)
MARQUESS: Thank you, Lady.
Be free!
(HORN HONKING)
(BOTH SINGING)
And as you're greeted
in the garden of Jesus
May He shepherd
His grace on ye ♪
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)