Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e18 Episode Script

Save Me!

Well, mystery solved.
Let's go team.
So, the sound they heard
coming from their attic
really was a demon, huh?
MIKE: Yep, I think it was.
I definitely think
that it was.
And so you thought
you should just, uh,
burn their house
to the ground?
Yeah, that seemed like
the thing to do, you know,
to get the demon.
PIGEON: Yeah, I mean, yeah,
if there was a demon.
MIKE: Yeah, it was definitely
a demon in there.
I'm pretty sure of that.
That poor old couple.
You could've at least offered
to take them to a hotel
or something.
Way to go, guys. Great job.
-You were a big help.
I thought you said,
"Stay inside the van."
You didn't say,
"Stay inside the van,"
you said,
"Stay inside the van."
But, you know, we got this,
don't worry about it,
that kind of thing.
-That is so weird.
I remember I was about
to get out and go in there,
participate in that mystery,
and then I could swear
you said,
"Pigeon, why don't
you hang out in the van?
"And we'll go in this house,
see what's going on,
"and we'll call you
if we need anything."
You're saying that
you didn't say any of that.
You know I didn't say
any of that.
Hey, everybody, do you know
what mystery that was?
That was
our hundredth mystery.
-We have not solved
a hundred mysteries.
Not solved but attempted.
This is cause
for a celebration.
Hey, let's go to Remaldos.
-Oh, please. No. No.
-Oh, not Remaldos.
Wait, is that
the Mexican restaurant
where all the waiters
are white college kids?
It's always a good sign,
when you're gonna sit down
to some Mexican food
and the person taking your
order keeps asking if you want
an order of "guaca-mole"
for the table.
You know it, Pigeon, they got
that good guaca-mole there.
Can I get anyone
anything to drink?
-Iced tea for me.
-Me too, iced tea.
I thought we were celebrating.
Lucky diamond light
and a tequila shot
on the side.
-Any tequila?
-Any tequila.
-And you, sir?
-Do you have iced tea?
Yes, lemon with that?
Hey, Pigeon, did you get
any lemon with yours?
-No lemon please.
I'll send over some chips
and guaca-mole.
Oh, good, because this
is a celebration.
Muchas gracias.
You're welcome.
Um, before we eat,
I'd like to say grace.
For this and all
we're about to receive,
make us truly grateful, Lord.
Through Christ we pray, amen.
-What thewas that?
It's called giving thanks.
When did you become, um,
I go to Bible study
once a week.
You all said I needed to make
friends my own age.
So you joined a cult?
Okay, before being
so critical,
why don't we let Yung tell us
a little more about it.
What church is the group
identified with?
Well, what the hell
does that mean?
Is it Protestant, Episcopal,
I don't know,
it's just Christian.
Look, we just hang out mostly.
You guys are acting like
I joined a gang.
Okay, I'm gonna wash my hands
and I hope when I get back,
you're all done
being so judgmental.
Mmm, this is a dangerous
moment in parenting.
I know that you have to let
your children
experiment with stuff
when they grow older
and trust them
that they'll find their way,
but I thought
it would be drugs or sexting
or something normal.
I mean, man, she's Asian, man.
So I thought
maybe I'm gambling,
but not Jesus.
I didn't see Jesus
coming in our lives.
Here's your tequila and beer,
and iced tea
for everyone else.
I didn't order ice-tea.
-I said root beer.
But I think I'm gonna
change it.
Give me a hot chocolate.
Ooh, that kale
is a bitter mother
Tastes like garbage.
Hey, Pigeon,
you want me to make you
a kale protein shake?
Oh, no, thank you.
On account of you just said
it tastes like garbage.
Hey, everyone,
that's my friend, Will.
-Who's Will?
-He's in my Bible study.
-He's coming over to hang out.
-Hang out?
When I was your age,
hangout meant anal.
maybe it didn't mean that,
but it definitely meant
you liked him.
-Do you like this Will?
-I do.
So don't embarrass me, Pigeon.
Embarrass you, how?
Like, by talking,
or by watching pornography
in front of him
and masturbating to it
in front of him.
Or by asking to see his penis,
or by telling him that I have
a penis, stuff like that.
That embarrasses you?
You're so fragile.
I guess it makes sense
that you need religion.
You're gonna be such
a frail reed.
Gosh, I can't believe that
your dad is Mike Tyson.
I mean,
that's incredibly interesting.
I mean, nothing about you
seemed to suggest
that he was your dad.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Yung, can I
No, I meant to talk to you.
Physical intimacy
outside of marriage
is an abomination before God.
Oh, yeah, no, totally, you,
you had an eyelash
on your cheek,
so I was gonna blow you.
Actually, I wasn't
gonna blow you,
I was gonna, with my mouth,
I wasn't gonna blow wind,
I wasn't gonna suck it off.
Yung, do you know
what the rapture is?
Um, sort of.
It's when those who are saved
will be taken up to heaven,
while the rest
will be left behind on Earth
to be tortured
by Satan's minions.
We haven't talked about that
at bible study, have we?
I hate to say it,
but not everybody
goes to bible study
for the right reasons.
I think some people just like
to hang out with friends.
And do charitable stuff
for those less fortunate.
(SCOFFS) What assholes.
Yung, I need you to be saved,
so when the rapture comes
you can join me
in the kingdom of heaven.
Well, that's nice.
Of course, you'll be
leaving behind your friends.
That all-white man
you introduced me to
is obviously a homosexual.
Which is an abomination
before God.
-I don't
-And someone trained
your pet bird,
to say the C-word.
He told me I have
a C-word face.
Well, I'm sorry he said that.
You definitely do not have
But Will, I have to say,
I'm sorry, but I don't believe
any of this stuff.
That's what faith is.
Believing in things that are
unbelievable and crazy?
Everybody, we got
a new mystery!
Dad, have you been
hiding in there?
I came out because I saw
we got a new mystery.
Then, you guys came out.
And then I wanted to
respect your privacy.
So I just crouched down
in there
and I hid, and I spied on you.
So, yes. Then I just
wanted to make sure
that Will wasn't
a scientologist.
He seemed so nice.
And every scientologist
I've met
has always been so nice.
And you're just like,
"No one can be that nice."
-It's just weird.
-Oh, my God.
still doing here?
Will, I have to go.
We have a mystery to solve.
Yung, please, I'm not leaving
here until you're saved.
It could happen at any second.
What could happen
at any second?
The rapture.
Unfortunately, you won't
be joining us
in the kingdom of heaven,
because you're gay.
You'll be going to hell.
Okay, I'll be sure to say hi
to your mom when I get there.
To the Mystery Mobile.
I'll wait here for you!
It's that same
old couple again.
What the hell do they want?
I bet they want to sue you
for burning down
OLD MAN: Oh, finally.
Margaret and I
were sitting here,
picking through the ashes,
looking at everything we had,
all burned to nothing,
when suddenly
that demon popped up.
Ha! I told you there was
a demon, Pigeon.
He didn't believe me.
No, it was more like
I didn't care.
So, what happened?
He said, "Take my hand."
And we said, "No, sir.
Get on out of here, demon."
-And he did.
-Well, that was nice of him.
But before he went, he said
since you burned down
this house,
he was going to go live
in your house,
and get one of you to let him
live in your soul.
Oh, no, Will.
Who theis Will?
How long does it take
to solve a mystery?
Ah, finally.
Yung, is that you?
DEMON: I'm not Yung, you fool.
I'm here to steal your soul.
WILL: You can't have me,
My God is an awesome God.
He's an awesome God!
Will is gone. I took his soul.
I'm the demon Bathog.
Come forth and admire
my nine penises.
Well, don't just
stand there, Yung.
Hello, everybody.
God, here.
Will was right,
it's the rapture.
Oh, no, son, there's no such
thing as the rapture.
That was something we told
some of the dumber ones
to keep them in line.
But we need to take care of
that demon Bathog,
and there is only one way
to take care of a demon.
Am I right, Mike Tyson?
Hell yeah, God, burn that
I'm sorry,
but believe me, Yung,
it would not
have been enjoyable
losing your virginity
to a nine-dicked demon.
God bless y'all.
Ha! Go Cowboys!
Ha! God is Jerry Jones.
I was informed that is was
just our 30th mystery, yes,
um, bad counting.
I was doing the counting,
of course it came out bad,
and, um,
we're only on number 30.
Thank you.
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