Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e17 Episode Script

The Bard's Curse

MIKE: Oh, hell, yeah.
Everybody, come outside.
My new vanity plates are here.
Didn't you just
get vanity plates?
Yeah, now that I'm not
a vegetarian anymore,
I need new ones.
Oh, my God.
Why does it say that?
Beef Is Succulent,
Egg Tyson, X-rated
in terms of deliciousness,
Unbelievably Appetizing
and Luscious.
Or for short, "Bisexual."
Oh, damn! We can't put these
on a mystery mobile!
It's false advertisement,
unless one of you
are bisexual.
-I'm not bisexual.
Yung, why must you constantly
be disappointing us?
Uh, okay. Who wants to hear
the new mystery, hmm?
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
I need your help immediately.
"I am not being dramatic
when I say,
"this is a matter of life
and death.
"Yours, Jules Leher Warren,
"Head of Dramaturgy
and Dramatic Arts of
"Ye Swordsmen
and Swords ladies,
"Dramatic Theater Company,
Bennington, Vermont."
And there's a pressed flower.
he might be a bisexual.
You can give him,
you can give him your plates.
I mean, probably not.
Probably, just a gay guy.
But there's a chance.
MIKE: Welcome to Bennington,
Oh, we should all get coats
here at the coat factory.
You mean Burlington?
Right, Burlington
Coat Factory, yes.
Mmm, this is Bennington.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Bennington Coat Factory.
No, one is Burlington
and one is Bennington.
They got two coat factories?
Which one came first?
I bet whoever it is,
is pissed at the second one.
Man, I'm not a lawyer but
I bet they can sue
the shirts off of them.
Then I bet the other one
would just be like,
"(BLEEP) that, man.
"We sell different coats
than you do.
"Like, windbreakers
and (BLEEP)"
I bet that's a loophole, huh.
Hey, Pigeon, you awake?
Unfortunately, yes.
Hey, man, what are you
most excited to do in Vermont?
(EXHALING) Let's see. Maybe
Set myself on fire,
video tape it, post it.
Oh, buy some maple syrup.
-Oh, I forgot
about the maple syrup.
We're being pulled over!
Oh, my God.
They'll put us all in jail!
Does anyone has any drugs
on them? Eat them!
You've got to get rid of them.
(YELLS) Eat them!
I would, but I put mine
in your coat pocket.
What? Where? Where?
You asshole!
In that one, the interior one.
(GASPS) What is this?
Take it!
I don't want to
take it right now.
-I want to take it tonight.
Oh, my God.
Here. Here, here,
Yung, you take it.
-I'm not taking that!
(PANTING) Oh, God. Oh, God.
(GASPING) Oh. Oh, God.
what the (BLEEP)?
Is there a problem, Officer?
May I see your license
and registration, please?
Wait here, please.
What were those?
What were those!
It's called
"Infinite Nightmare."
-Oh, my God.
A chemist friend of mine
makes them.
They're basically
a dissociative hallucinogenic
that uh, takes you
to places you
You don't want to visit.
(SOBBING) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Any idea why
I pulled you over today?
Because I'm a black man?
No, sir, you're
driving a vehicle
with no license plates.
Well, I don't know
what to tell you.
All right. I'm not bisexual.
Okay, I don't know if that
has to do with anything,
but you can't drive
this vehicle without plates.
Can I give you a lift
I'm starting to feel it.
Oh, God.
Just go with it.
Don't fight it.
Trust me.
(YELLS) You do not
want to fight it.
don't yell at me. Do not yell!
-I'll fight it, if you yell!
That's my partner, Buster.
We've been together six years.
Kill yourself.
ACTOR: You may to me,
and 'tis most meet you should.
ACTRESS 1: Neither to you
nor anyone,
having no witness
to confirm my speech.
JULES: Genevieve,
that's your cue.
"Confirm my speech."
That's your cue!
We have to pick up
our cues, people!
ACTOR: You see,
her eyes are open.
but the senses shut.
ACTOR: What is it
she does now?
-ACTOR 1: Look, how she
-Who wrote this piece of shit?
ACTRESS 1: It is an
accustomed action with her
-to seem thus
washing her hands.
I have known her continue
in this a quarter of an hour.
Hey, what is it? You seeing
something down there?
Spiders! Wait, wait.
You don't see them?
Millions of tiny spiders.
Oh, yeah, sure. I see them.
You know they look poisonous?
ACTRESS 2: One. Two.
Why, then, 'tis time to do 't.
Hell is murky!
-Come on, Genevieve.
-Fie my Lord, fie!
JULES: Do it a little better.
-GENEVIEVE: A soldier,
and afeard?
-You can do
-Come on.
-What need we fear
-Go girl, go. Come on.
-who knows it when
none can call our
power to account!
This is (BLEEP) revolting.
Are you (BLEEP)ing kidding me,
Jesus Christ. I don't know
what you want
and honestly, it's incredibly
distracting if
-Money and lives
are involved here!
-Are all of these lines
-in the verse?
-There's a lot on the line.
-I'm remembering the patter,
the pantemic, whatever.
-There's a lot involved
-in the lines, on the line.
-Oh, fine.
Get off of me!
Off! Off! Damn you.
(MOANS) They're everywhere.
Feasting on my very flesh.
I wipe them away,
but they remain.
Step fast as grim death.
Is that what awaits me?
Some might say,
I am already dead.
A ghost, a vision.
But tell me, sir,
do I not feel?
There is poison in me.
There's a poison most foul
and I must be rid o'er it.
Fie! Fie! Fie, my Lord. Fie!
That's what I'm talking about,
That's what I'm talking about.
Now who are you and where
were you when we were doing
Merry Wives of Windsor?
Would he not have been perfect
as Bardolph?
Oh, he really would have.
Oh, you would have been
-He would have slayed
as Bardolph.
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
He would have absolutely
That's Marquess, he is
a member of the Mystery Team.
Oh, you made it.
Everyone, keep rehearsing.
I'll be right back.
-What do we do with Marquess?
He seems good here.
Time is of the essence,
so I'll make this quick.
-Can I get you anything?
Oh, you know what?
I, I, I need a salad.
Does everyone want a salad?
Four salads.
Caesar okay? Caesar.
Does anyone want a souffle?
I need a souffle.
Those do take
about 45 minutes.
That's fine. We're in no rush.
So what's going on?
What's the mystery?
(SIGHS) Okay.
What is the one thing you're
never supposed to do
in a theater?
BOTH: Jack off.
Yes but no.
It's never speak the name,
you'll invite disaster.
Didn't you just say Macbeth?
I just said Macbeth.
No, it's only if you say it
inside the theater.
That's why I took you
to this restaurant.
Well, and I've had
to eat today
is a pack of gum
and a buttered lobster.
(CHUCKLES) Don't tell my wife.
-What? Your wife?
So, you think someone
in the cast said, "Macbeth"?
Well, we'd have nothing
but bad luck since
our first rehearsal.
A stage light fell. On the way
home from the theater.
Howard nearly got into
a fender-bender.
The light in the women's
bathroom went out.
Just totally out.
So that's two lights that
we've had trouble with.
So that's got to mean
So what do you want us to do?
Find out who said it.
And you just can't ask
the cast directly.
They're actors.
They're always playing a part.
They're lying.
You'll never know it because
we're taking about some of
the finest actors out there.
Some true gems.
I'm so sorry.
We're out of the souffle.
See, what I'm talking about?
It's not your fault, honey.
It's the Bard's curse.
(ON RADIO) Bid thy
mistress, when my drink is
What the hell
are we listening to?
It's our very first rehearsal.
When I direct a play, I like
to be totally immersed in it.
It's like I live and breathe!
Here comes the dagger speech.
Is this a dagger which I see
before me,
The handle toward my hand?
Just listen to that language.
Brad doesn't get any
of the subtext,
but that's why it's
called "rehearsal!"
Come, let me clutch thee!
I have thee not,
and yet I see thee still.
Stop, stop, stop, Brad.
Brad, stop.
Who are you? Who is this?
Because I sure as hell
am not seeing Macbeth.
But I cast you as Macbeth,
in the play Macbeth.
So for (BLEEP) sake,
give me Macbeth!
How many (BLEEPING) times
do I have to say Macbeth
in this theater
before you start acting
like Macbeth, Hmm?
Macbeth. Huh?
Hmm, I guess that solves that.
Well, it wasn't a total waste.
We had all those good salads.
Hold on. First we have to
reverse the curse.
Now this is an old theater
tradition. So, bear with me.
Thrice around
the circle bound,
evil sink into the ground.
Oh, my God.
Good news, everyone.
The curse has been lifted.
Our nightmare is finally over.
-MIKE: What the (BLEEP)
The Bard's curse.
I didn't lift it in time.
(SOFTLY) I killed them.
I killed all the demons.
Just like the voices
told me to.
You sure did, buddy.
You got rid of all the demons.
I feel like I slept
for ten hours.
(SIGHS) Thank God!
I think that stuff is finally
out of my system.
Please tell me I didn't do
anything crazy while
I was on it.
-No, uh-uh. No.
-MARQUESS: Ah, good.
What about all the people
he killed?
Me? Oh, this is so wondrous.
Genevieve, you pulled it out.
I knew you would.
I am sorry I yelled, but
it always turns around!
Everyone, this is for you
and for me, more.
But thank you. Thank me.
Thank you.
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