Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e16 Episode Script

Mystery for Hire

The incident unfolded
shortly after 8 P.M.,
when police say
three men attempted
to break into the vault
of the Westing Savings
and Loan Building
on Cashmin Drive.
The men took
a number of hostages,
including bank President,
Eric Vennerbeck,
who was seriously wounded.
there were no fatalities
due to the heroic actions
of former heavy-weight champ,
Mike Tyson.
Uh, Mr. Tyson, what happened?
How is it you happen to be
inside the bank tonight?
Well, that's a long story.
Probably about 11 minutes.
Man, let's see.
I was at my house
getting the mail
Oh, hell, yeah! Hell, yeah!
They're finally here.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody come outside.
Check it out.
My new vanity plates.
You know, because I'm
a vegetarian again.
I'm sorry, I'm so confused.
Beef is gross,
unethical, and yucky.
So, that's what you see
when you read that?
No, it's great.
"Beef is gross,
unethical, and yucky."
I mean, that's all I see.
I bet so many vegetarians
are gonna like this,
they're gonna honk at me.
Well, maybe not vegetarians.
He must be a vegetarian.
We like to put the same thing
in our mouth!
"Dear Mike Ty" Oh.
Do Do you want to read it?
Why would I want to read it?
Well, because you never get
to read them.
Get to read them?
Like it's a big (BLEEP).
I don't give a shit
about any of this.
So you just
want me to read it?
I don't care if you
shove it up your (BLEEP).
Ah! Well that's a lovely thing
to say to a young woman.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
"We would like to meet
with you regarding a mystery.
"Barbara Fletcher, Executive
Assistant, Westing Savings
and Loan."
PIGEON: I want to return
Return a product!
-Yung, press the button.
-What? Why?
-So we can get the ticket.
-PIGEON: Returns!
Well, why don't you press it?
Mother (BLEEP). Returns!
I don't wanna get germs.
You know how many people
press that thing.
I bet it's covered
in E. coli, or something.
But you want me to touch it?
You're not gonna get E. coli.
It's very rare.
I just can't risk it,
because I'm a celebrity,
you know.
Oh, my God! Customer service.
Customer service!
MARQUESS: What are
you returning?
PIGEON: Mattress pad.
PIGEON: Yes, hi.
I'm trying to return a
Hello? Hello?
Oh, my God, are you
(BLEEP) kidding me?
Why am I not getting
any service?
PIGEON: Where the (BLEEP)
are we?
Which tower are we going to?
I'm sure it says on the note.
-Damn, I left it at home.
-Oh, well.
Okay, team meeting.
Let's take a vote.
All those in favor
of the North Tower say, "Aye".
All those in favor
of the South Tower say, "Nay".
On the count of three,
everyone say their vote.
One, two, three, North.
Okay, North has it.
Well, again, I'm so sorry,
but you were 40 minutes late
and Mr. Vennerbeck had
to go to his next meeting.
Yeah, we went
to the wrong tower.
Twice. We went
to the wrong tower, twice.
Which doesn't seem possible
but we did it.
Then you should have voted.
Marquess, you forfeited
your right to complain
if you don't vote.
Uh, can we reschedule
for some time tomorrow?
-Oh, I have
something tomorrow.
-What do you have?
-A (BLEEP) life!
How about that, huh?
That I'm trying to live.
Okay, does tomorrow
at 3:00 work?
-A.M. or P.M.?
-Um, P.M.
Oh, good, but we would have
made either one work.
Do you need validation
for the valet?
-We, we didn't use the valet.
Well, definitely use them,
when you come back tomorrow.
We are so excited to talk
about the mystery.
-Yung, press the button.
So, Mr. Tyson, can you tell
us some of the mysteries
you've done in the past?
Oh, with that bunch?
Let's see. We have
one where a house was haunted.
-We had one where Yung
got kidnapped.
Oh, so you all participate
in the mysteries.
Absolutely. We're a team.
Maybe we should go ahead
and start talking numbers.
How much do you charge?
Oh, we don't charge
for mysteries.
Jesus Christ.
Why do you always have
to tell people that?
Well, I would say you're hired
but we should do
our due diligence, and meet
with a few more people first.
Uh, so why don't we have
Barbara call you when we've
made our decision.
Well, I guess
whatever the mystery is,
it's not a time sensitive one.
I like taking these meetings,
so, I hope we have more.
Uh, sorry, what kind
of vehicle is it?
It's a 1991 Mystery Mobile.
Mmm. You see your keys here?
No, I don't see them.
It's okay.
We'll find your car.
What's the license plate?
B, I, G, U, Y.
I bet you valet
in the other tower.
Hey, you got a vehicle
with license plate
"Bi Guy?"
VALET 2: Uh, I'm sorry.
Can you repeat that?
Bi guy.
Like Bisexual guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I see it.
Oh, okay.
I bet that's what that thing
is over the window.
Like, gay people
have the rainbow,
the bisexuals have that.
(CHUCKLES) Pretty cool.
VALET 2: I'll bring
it right over.
You're about five minutes,
Hey, can I pet your bird?
-PIGEON: What?
MIKE: Hello?
Who? Barbara?
It must be for you.
I don't know a Barbara.
I've never met
a Barbara in my life.
Come on, give me that. Hello.
Oh, yes, hi.
(GASPS) Oh, wonderful.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, great.
We'll see you Saturday night.
(GASPS) That was the woman
from Westing Savings and Loan.
(GASPS) We got the job.
A-ha, no way. We did, huh?
That's amazing.
You're not pulling our leg
are you? You're serious.
We really got the job?
-Are you done?
-So what's the mystery?
Okay, well.
It's not what we usually do,
but I actually think it'll
be a fun change of pace,
so, keep an open mind.
I know what's going on.
They don't think
we solve mysteries,
they think that we plan
mystery dinner parties.
And they want us to do
one for all their employees.
You know, as a,
"Thank you for a great year."
What, Michael?
How did you know all that?
I got an email from someone
named Barbara, like,
a week and a half ago.
-Oh, my God.
-Wait, so,
these people think
we're party planners?
Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
I'll take the lead, please.
I used to throw parties
like this all the time.
I threw one for Sir
Rodney Pumpbutters
in 1874
for his coming-out party.
Uh, yeah. I wouldn't think
you need a coming-out party
when your name is
Rodney Pumpbutters.
Not that kind of coming-out.
He was entering society
as a gentleman.
It was a different time.
Now, the key
to a good mystery party
is the theme.
(GASPS) Oh, I know.
What about Oriental?
The gowns and the silks
and the Oriental makeup
with the white face
and the red lip, oh!
There's so much we can do
with the Oriental costumes,
the bowing, the binding
of the little feet,
and there are all those
different types of Orientals.
You've got um, concubine.
Your dragon lady,
your sumo wrestler man
Oh! Oh!
And the Oriental music.
The gongs and the chimes
that the Orientals play
so beautifully.
Um, are you aware
that you just said Oriental,
like, 50 times?
(GASPS) And that's bad?
No, not if you want people
to think you're racist.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Oh! Sometimes I'm just
an old fool from the 1800s
who never stops putting
his foot in his mouth.
-What? What?
It's some vulgar joke
about what I put in my mouth.
Go on, say it.
Oh, no, no, no.
Sometimes it's even
more special to just
Keep it in here.
(GASPS) What about a Wild West
theme? Huh?
-Cowboys and Indians.
-Native Americans.
Okay, you know what.
I'm from a different time.
Let it go, okay. I'll figure
out a theme myself.
In fact,
the less you all know,
the better.
It'll be more fun for you.
Now, who's coming
with me to the fabric store?
I am! I am!
Oh, well, I asked.
Of course, everyone dressed
like cowboys.
I'm the only Indian here
Native American.
-Whose the murderer?
I'm not telling you,
so quit asking.
-There are clues scattered
throughout the party.
Everybody on the ground. Now!
Except for you.
-Come with me.
-VENNERBECK: Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Whoa, Marquess!
That was so surprising, man.
Oh, man, so surprising.
-Whose the murderer?
This isn't
part of the mystery.
MAN: Shut the (BLEEP) up.
I will blow your
(BLEEP) head off.
This guy is cool.
I like this guy.
Give me the code to the vault.
I don't have it.
-ROBBER: The code?
VENNERBECK: I told you.
I don't have it.
I can't believe
This is great.
Michael, do something.
But you haven't told
me what my part is.
Oh, my God, this is so real.
I love it.
So that part went
on for way too long, man.
Gunshot, scream.
Gunshot, scream.
It was, like, "Man, come on."
Then the actor that was
playing the bank robber,
He was right next to me,
and he, like,
stepped on my (BLEEP) hand,
and, man,
I just went crazy, man.
And I beat the shit
out of all of them, man.
Maybe I was irritable,
because I stopped eating meat.
I don't know.
So I just want to apologize
to Westing Savings and Loan
for ruining
their mystery party.
But most of all, I want
to apologize to Marquess.
Marquess, get in here.
Marquess planned
this whole thing.
It was all his idea.
Sorry, did you say
he was involved?
Involved? He orchestrated
the entire thing.
This is your mastermind
right here.
Sir, we're going to have
to ask you a few questions.
But What?
-No! Oh!
-Come on.
COP: Hey.
You don't understand. Ow!
Oh, my God,
it's all so real
Except the cops would
never treat a white guy
like this.
Oh, I get it. Because he's
Native American, right?
Suck my nectarine
toes Nail?
In suction cups and
-celebal, what
-Too hot for you.
Ah! I can't believe
I got that.
You are a queer
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