Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e15 Episode Script

Unholy Matrimony

Morgan residence.
Oh, hey, this is Mike Tyson
of the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
We're here about a mystery.
MAN: Oh, yes.
I'll let you right in.
Oh, (BLEEP). It's Deezy.
Hey, Deezy, what's up fool?
Dancing with the Stars?
I don't know, man.
I don't think
I want to do that.
Okay, well, then convince me
why I should do it.
Mmm-hmm, okay, mmm-hmm.
-Dad, the, uh,
the gate's closing.
Okay, well, maybe find out
how much they pay.
He's seeing how much it pays.
Shit, when are they going to
open the (BLEEP) gate?
It already opened.
What? Deezy, I gotta go man.
I got, uh, I got a situation.
Now, what are we going to do?
Press the button again
and ask them to open the gate.
No way, Marquees.
That will be embarrassing
as shit, man.
No, we got to pretend
that we're someone else.
-MAN: Morgan residence.
Oh, special delivery
for the Morgan residence.
MAN: Pardon me?
Oh, never mind.
Pigeon, Pigeon, say something.
Okay, we're the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
We (BLEEP) up
and didn't drive through
when you opened the gate
and we just did
a fake accent so
Will you just open the gate?
And this time we promise
to (BLEEP) drive through it.
MAN: Very good.
MIKE: Man, Pigeon,
that took some balls.
See, I'd be too embarrassed
to say any of that (BLEEP).
You just told them
exactly what happened
and it (BLEEP) worked.
Lesson learned.
See, I got to get over
my embarrassment.
That's why I'm scared to do
Dancing with the Stars, man.
But it's like, you know,
how the (BLEEP) cares?
It's like, "Hey, world,
this is Mike Tyson
and this how I dance."
"If you don't like it,
(BLEEP) you!"
Damn, when is this
(BLEEP) gonna
open the gate?
May I take anyone's coat?
Oh, why thank you.
Oh, you forgot hers.
-I'm fine.
-If you will follow me.
They are just finishing up
a game of tennis.
PIGEON: What are we doing
here again?
MARQUEE: This family
is unsure about the man
their daughter is marrying
and they want us to find out
if there is anything
wrong with him.
MAN: Damn!
Still match point though.
Have a seat,
we're almost done.
This won't take long!
(BLEEP) Damn it. Deuce.
(GRUNTS) Darn it!
MAN: Match point again.
(BLEEP) Damn it!
Second serve!
Jesus (BLEEP),
if he double faults,
I swear I am going to
kill myself.
MAN: Ah, damn it. Deuce.
Do it.
MAN: Damn!
-MAN: Long.
-GIRL: Out.
-MAN: Oh, come on.
-GIRL: Long.
-MAN: Damn it.
(BLEEP) this mystery.
MAN: Damn it.
Sorry the match went
so long the other day
but the Morgans
play by the rules.
Unlike our prospective
son-in-law, Rick.
Why couldn't Amy find
someone like Kevin here.
Oh, we fell in love with him
the moment
Molly introduced us.
-Well, Kevin's a Tri Camma
Delta man like me.
Oh, you're in
the same fraternity
The day's over,
the eve draws close
The light begins to fade
We croon our way
into thine heart
With a Tri Cam serenade ♪
What the (BLEEP)
just happened?
Look, we just don't think
Rick fits in with our family.
Yeah, because he is
(BLEEP) normal?
Well, what exactly
don't you like about him?
I just don't trust him.
He's never around.
He's always traveling
for work.
When you ask him
about his family,
he is incredibly evasive.
And he's ugly.
Molly, it's not about
his appearance.
But it's true, Mother.
He's got a pig nose.
-Those who live
in bitch houses
-He said "Those who live
in bitch houses."
-We're having the wedding
on our private island
in the Caribbean.
We want you to come
and meet Rick for yourselves.
Maybe you'll discover
what he's hiding.
Or I could do what I should
have done the moment
he proposed.
Stop the (BLEEP) damn wedding.
I mean it, Bitsy.
Never doubt the resolution
of a Tri Cam man.
The Tri Cam man
resolute and firm
Standing tall and firm
The wind and storm
may lash at he
The Tri Cam man stays firm ♪
PIGEON: Was that whole song
about your (BLEEP)?
I'm sorry who are you again?
You're friends of Walter's?
Yeah, we were in the same
fraternity in college.
So, Rick, we want to ask you
a few questions
to get know you better.
Uh, okay.
Which one of these
best describes you?
A. I'm a terrorist.
B. I am a white supremacist.
C. All of the above.
What? None!
None is not a choice, Rick.
Well, I, I don't know
what you want me to say.
Oh, oh, wait. D. None.
So, D?
Yes, D.
I'm sorry.
I really do need to
get dressed.
I'm getting married
in 15 minutes.
Mmm, problem with
time management.
So, can you please leave?
I'd like to get dressed
in private.
Mmm, body shame.
Please just go.
Oh, for God sakes,
let me ask something.
Do you love her?
She's everything to me.
I never knew what love was
until I met her.
I can't wait to be her husband
and make her the happiest
woman in the world
because she's already made me
the world's luckiest man.
You're a good man, Rick.
Your body shame,
your time management issues
will remain our little secret.
My God, there's a trash can
right there.
I don't believe it.
It's true, ma'am.
We conducted
a very thorough investigation
and we think
Rick is a good dude.
You're saying you didn't find
a single thing wrong with him?
He does have
kind of a pig nose.
So you were right.
Well, then I guess
we're having a wedding.
-What is it, Amy?
-Rick's gone!
No one can find him.
Oh, I knew it.
I knew that little prick
was bad from day one.
RICK: Help! Help!
RICK: Help!
PIGEON: Let's go!
Whoa, No, I
I meant let's go home.
At least I should try to
(BLEEP) a bridesmaid.
Let go of me!
What are you?
-Hello, Rick.
What's going on?
What are these beasts?
These beasts
are my children, Rick.
And your brothers.
For many years
I have come to this island
to have sex with animals.
Naturally, in some cases,
unintended pregnancy
has been the result.
I've had sexual intercourse
with goats, and horses,
wild boar, and deer.
I have lain with the lamb,
and the lion.
Although, in that instance
only the lion bore a child.
Look around you.
These are the fruit
of my loins.
As are you.
It's not possible.
-Your mother was
a prize-winning Yorkshire pig.
I cannot begin to describe
the intense pleasure
we shared.
I think that's
one of the reasons
when you were born,
you were so human-like.
Because I gave her
so very much of me.
I couldn't bear to leave you
alone in the savage jungle
so I dropped you off
at a hospital.
Taking advantage of those
safe haven programs
where they don't
ask any questions
if you leave a newborn.
Well, you can imagine my shock
when I realized
you had found your way
back to me
through my sweet little Amy.
What's going on here?
Well, I just explained that.
Well, I wasn't here yet.
I'm into bestiality
and thus the father
of all these creatures.
Whoa, (BLEEP), man.
I didn't think you were
going to say that.
Walter, what is going on?
My God, I just told them.
I am your wife, Walter.
It's not that easy
to talk about
even if it seems like
I'm comfortable talking
about it. I'm not!
Or I wouldn't have had to buy
a private island to do it on.
What are you talking about?
No, not until
everyone is here.
Where is Molly?
She's coming.
Now, what is happening?
No, not until she gets here.
I am not talking about this
80 times.
BETSY: There she is.
-Now tell us.
I enjoy sexual
He (BLEEP) animals.
Are you going to talk or am I?
You can go.
It's true.
Oh, my God.
It was a predilection
I had picked up in college
at our fraternity house.
What was hazing for some was
pleasurable for others.
So, these things
are your children?
Why wouldn't you wear
a condom?
For God sake,
you may as well not be having
sex with an animal at all
if you wear a condom.
I'm sorry, are we having
the wedding or not?
-We are?
I love you.
I don't care
that you're half pig.
Ugh, so they don't care
that they're brother
and sister?
And she doesn't care
that her husband
(BLEEP) animals?
All right, let's get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
Where's Pigeon?
You know, I've never had sex
with a bridesmaid before?
You know, I've never had sex
with a
An animal before.
I think a lot of people do it.
And either way
you're doing it now.
The Tri Cam, Tri Cam man
Resolute and firm
Standing tall and firm
The wind and storm
may lash at he
But the Tri Cam man
stays firm ♪
The Tri Cam man stays firm.
MAN: Yeah.
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