Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e02 Episode Script

The Beginning

Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
are you ready to see
your renovated home?
With the money from
the fire insurance,
I was able to give you
an open-concept living room.
I added a half-bath,
and I was even able
to convert the garage
into the dance studio
you've always wanted!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
So! Are you guys ready
to see the big reveal?
Oh, for Godsakes,
I've had to go to the
bathroom for 20 minutes.
Please, Marquess, hurry!
Oh, no, I can't
hold it any longer!
Oh, God, I can't
hold it. I have to
go so bad. Oh, God
I'm just kidding. I can
shit wherever I want.
I'm going inside.
PIGEON: That's your big
reveal? It looks the same.
What? No, it doesn't.
Are you blind?
Oh. Just great. There goes
my (BLEEP) reveal.
I spent $200 of my own money
on this giant (BLEEP) scrim.
YUNG: So, what
did you do that's different?
I changed Uh! Oh, my God
I changed the cathedral
windows to bay windows.
Open your (BLEEP) eyes. You
know what? I need a drink.
Oh, I love it, Marquess.
Stainless steel appliances!
This island Oh, my God.
I'm definitely gonna
cook more now.
What? I didn't change
anything in here.
-PIGEON: Where the
(BLEEP) am I?
It sounds like
you're upstairs! But
maybe also the basement?
Michael! We don't
have a basement.
Oh, Marquess! That was
on my wish list.
PIGEON: I mean,
what the (BLEEP)?
Ooh! Definitely upstairs.
That one gave it away.
"Oh, Marquess! The living
room looks incredible."
"Oh, why, thank you!"
(GASPS) "Are those
hand-stitched throw pillows?"
"Why, yes, they are! Thank you
for noticing." Assholes.
PIGEON: You care
to (BLEEP) explain
this, Marquess?
Oh, finally!
Someone gives a (BLEEP).
Yes. This is my
favorite new addition.
The wall of family photos!
We didn't have one before,
and I truly think it's what
makes a house a home.
Then where am I?
What? Huh? Oh,
well, come on.
You're in one of these.
Let me just, um
Oh No, okay
Oh, oh! Here's one
of you. At the beach!
Right next to Yung,
playing in the sand.
That is a (BLEEP) seagull!
Dad, is that
you and George Bush?
MIKE: Oh, yeah, that was
from my very first mystery.
Huh! I don't remember that.
Oh, that's because
you were just a little girl.
I remember it like it
was yesterday. (CHUCKLES)
-PIGEON: What are you doing?
Oh, I I thought we were
doing a flashback. We're
not doing a flashback?
That was taken
in the Oval Office.
I remember it like
it was yesterday
Yesterday, yesterday
MARQUESS: Oh, so it
works when Michael
does it, but not
MIKE: It was 2001.
A different time.
Everything was
different back then.
-MIKE: The way
people dressed.
The way people talked.
The music, the hairstyles.
It was all so
Far out, man.
Oh! It looks like we've
got our first mystery.
(GASPS) "Dear Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
"the President of the United
States, George W. Bush,
requests your assistance.
"Signed 'Andrew Card,
White House Chief of Staff'"!
The President needs our help.
That's out of sight!
Come on, team!
To the Mystery Mobile!
Wait a second. So, I was
just in the front seat?
No car seat or anything?
And what was I reading?
What? That's how I remember
it. It was a long time ago.
Well, it wasn't that long ago.
Well, sometimes, you
know, you gotta, um,
embellish, you know?
Keep the audience interested.
So, where were we? We
We We, we, we
We arrived at the White House,
and the Chief of Staff,
Andrew Card, met us
at the door.
Thanks for coming.
-Sir, how does this look?
-What is this?
Are these the remarks
for the President?
-Yes, sir.
-Well, don't give them to me.
The State Department
needs to sign off on this.
And hurry it up, or there's
gonna be hell to pay.
McAfee! We need to find
time for the President to go
over the troop assessment
with Secretary Rumsfeld.
I'm on it. But, sir,
there's something I
need to talk to you about.
Not now, God damn it!
Ooh, McAfee, you just got
Carded. Andrew Carded!
Did I get your name right?
It's an honor to meet you,
Mr. President, even though
I didn't vote for you.
Aw, no! Mr. Tyson,
this is Ed Beaver.
He's a turkey farmer.
His name is Beaver?
Please, everyone, sit down.
In light of the recent
tragic events
-Mr. Tyson?
Perhaps you'd be more
comfortable over here.
No, I'm good.
I'm sorry, Mr. Tyson, but that
seat is typically reserved
for the President.
Ooh, ooh. I'm sorry.
Mr. Beaver, here you go.
But as you know,
Thanksgiving is just
around the corner.
It seems like it comes
sooner and sooner every year.
Yes, uh
Well, every year, in
a ceremony on the on
the White House lawn,
the President grants one
turkey a presidential pardon.
The President feels like he
needs to get this one right.
The nation is in a
very fragile state,
and they need their president
to show a steady hand.
So, you want us to
pick a (BLEEP) turkey?
Fine. That one.
Or that one. Or that
Or any one, they're
all the (BLEEP) same.
Why don't we let Yung pick?
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Which one, honey? Which
turkey you wanna save?
-This birdy!
Are you sure?
Jesus Christ.
Now, this is a
very, very important
decision, little boy.
We're going with the
cream-colored one,
Mr. President.
Let's get one quick photo.
Mr. Tyson, could you come
stand with the President?
The entire nation thanks
you for your help
in this matter, Michael.
You know, Thriller was
the first CD I ever bought.
Do you think I could
get a picture
Now, let's get
Mr. Beaver and Mr. Tyson
out of here, please.
So, that was it?
That was it.
Well, who's this?
Huh? I don't know. You'll
have to ask your father.
Michael, who is this?
I don't know
who the (BLEEP) that is.
Pigeon, do you know who
the (BLEEP) this is?
-You know what?
I don't remember even
hanging this picture.
My name is Abner
And I am trapped between
this world and the next,
a-swirl with
evil and death, which
is coming for you!
And there is no
way to stop it.
It is all around you,
the death, and the evil,
and the only hope,
the only possible hope,
is that you enter
this dimension at once!
I will open a passage
between Heaven and Hell,
and you must pass through
quickly. Now! Now! Now!
There's no time!
You'll all die,
do you hear me?
Run into the portal,
or you'll all die!
What do we do?
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, (BLEEP)! Oh, (BLEEP)!
Well, I guess I'll
go jack off on the
hand-stitched throw pillows.
Isn't this our house?
Oh, wait!
I think I do know this dude.
He owned the house before us.
On the other side of
that door is a witch,
and at any moment, she will
come in here and kill
my sweet Madeline
and my poor little ones.
And then she'll cook them
in a pot, and feed them to me!
And this unfathomable
evil happens over and
over again for eternity,
because the witch
has power over time!
She uses a portal of her
making, but I discovered
how to use her portal.
And with it,
I summoned you here!
I'm going to offer
the witch a deal.
Leave me my Madeline,
my little ones, and take you!
Wait! Why wouldn't
you just leave here
in it? In the portal?
Instead of bringing us here,
why didn't you just use
the portal to leave?
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God
ABNER: No, not again!
MIKE: Oh, we getting
the (BLEEP) out of here.
I knew that was how
that would work.
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