Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e03 Episode Script

1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: (ON TV)
And the question here is,
what will the Iowa State
Cyclones do
here on third down.
They've been sputtering
a little bit.
MIKE: Whoa, Marquess!
My Cal Bears are all over
your Iowa State Cyclones, man.
Huh, what's that?
Your Iowa State Cyclones are
going down, baby.
My what?
Your Cyclones.
They're going down.
Your Cyclones are going down
Your Cyclones are going down
-Your Cyclones are
going down
-Okay, um
I don' know what you're
talking about, I don't
Ugh. Is this a sport?
In your face, Marquess!
In your face!
Michael, it's a little early
for a crotch chop.
Golden Bears! Golden Bears!
Golden Bears!
Michael, what are you doing?
I am trash-talking you,
Marquess.
Bear Nation, Bear Pride!
Don't worry
how much you get high.
What does that even mean?
We were hibernating,
but now we are awake!
(GROWLS)
Us bears are in the rivers,
eating all the salmon,
but the salmons aren't salmon.
They're the Iowa State
Cyclone salmon!
Hey, weren't you rooting
for Iowa State, like,
10 minutes ago?
I was, but they're losing.
So, now I'm a Cal Bear guy.
Fair weather fan,
always have been.
Life's too short
to root for a loser.
MAN: (ON TV) And he explodes
through the hole!
No one's going to catch him,
touchdown, Iowa State!
Cyclones baby, we're
the Iowa State Cyclones.
Give me a "I," give me a "O,"
give me a "State."
Cyclones!
-MAN 1 (ON TV):
Ooh, flag on the field.
-MAN 2: Yeah,
I think this one's
coming back.
I think it's holding
on Iowa State.
That's on the left tackle,
senior Ken Ewadatatupu.
MAN 1: That is
Oh, man, holding.
Cal Bears baby, Cal Bears,
there we go baby,
in your face!
Okay, well
It's five o'clock somewhere.
YUNG HEE: Hey, everyone,
we have a new mystery.
Oh, ooh, let's go.
Oh, you You want me
to pause the game?
Nah, I don't care
about college football.
If any of them was that good,
they'd be in the pros.
MAN 2: (ON TV)
got hair coming out
of the back of his helmet.
What the (BLEEP) is that?
It's a Bermuda rock slide.
It's basically a Mexican rock
slide, but instead of tequila,
you sub rum.
Why do
-You want me to make you one?
-Sure.
(SCOFFS)
What? You offered.
Yeah, well, I know.
I was just being polite.
So, you're not going
to make me a drink,
even though you asked me
if you could make me a drink?
Well, they take a long time,
I have to muddle hibiscus.
So, get muddling!
What, I
(SLURPING)
-Asshole.
-(CHUCKLES)
Read the mystery, honey.
It says, "Yard Sale."
(READING)
I don't get it.
What's the mystery?
I don't think it's a mystery.
It's a straight up
advertisement.
And it worked,
it got my attention.
Let's go,
let's go buy some shit.
To the mystery mobile.
(HUMMING)
-(CAR HONKING)
-Oh, for God's sake, give me
a mother (BLEEP) second.
(GASPS) Ah, ah!
(CHUCKLES)
(HUMMING)
(CAR HONKING)
Son of a
Hold your GD horses, you bunch
of (BLEEP) assholes.
(HUMMING A TUNE)
Ah, no, I'll get the door too.
I mean, Pigeon, I'm sorry,
but you could've
actually waited
to take the drink yourself.
It's very full, so here.
-You got it?
-I got it.
Oh! (GASPS)
Oh, I thought you had it.
(SIGHS)
Seatbelt, Marquess.
I got it, Michael.
-MARQUESS: I know how to
put that on!
-(ENGINE STARTING)
Well, I'm just so pleased
these things will find
a new home.
My husband would've wanted it
that way.
Oh, did he pass away?
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Victor was the love
of my life.
We were soulmates.
Married for 43 years.
Hey, how much
for that stationary bike?
Uh, does $50 sound fair?
-I'll give you $20.
-Michael.
How much for the desk?
Oh, that was Victor's desk.
-I didn't ask that.
-Dad!
It's okay, Yung.
It's all part of the haggle.
-They like it.
-Uh, $40?
No way, Jose. $30.
But then you've got
to throw in the silverware.
This was my grandmother's
silverware.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Did anyone ever put
these forks
-up their butt or buttholes?
-Oh!
Excuse me?
I know it's an uncomfortable
question, ma'am,
but I'll kick myself
if I didn't ask.
I can't imagine anyone doing
anything like that.
I'll tell you what,
throw in the necklace
and we'll call it even.
Oh, this isn't for sale.
I couldn't part with this.
Hmm.
Then just give me that VCR.
So, we're just going
to leave the desk here?
Yeah, now we have
a reception area.
And when people come over,
we'll be like,
"Can I help you?"
And they'll be like,
"Hey, I'm here to see
the Mike Tyson Mystery Team."
And we'll be like,
"It'll just be a moment."
Why don't you just take a seat
on this stationary bike
while you're waiting.
And they'll be like,
"Do you validate for parking?"
And we'll be like, "Yes, we do
let me stamp your ticket."
Now, where's my stamp?
What the (BLEEP) is this?
Well, it's a bunch
of old letters.
(GASPS)
They're love letters
to Victor.
Oh, that's that woman's
husband who died.
He must've saved
all the love letters
his wife ever wrote him.
That poor woman would
want these.
-We should take them back.
-PIGEON:
"My dearest Victor"
"As the leaves begin to fall,
my heart aches"
"longing for your embrace,"
blah, blah, blah.
Never mentions her (BLEEP).
I don't want these.
To the mystery mobile!
Does anybody need me
to validate their parking
before they go?
We know how much
you miss your husband,
and though
we can't bring him back,
we have something for you
that we hope, at the very
least, will bring you comfort.
Victor must've loved you
a great deal.
He saved all these love
letters you wrote him.
I didn't write this.
I didn't write any of these.
Who's Cathy?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Victor, you son of a bitch!
How could you?
You were having an affair
with this whore?
My whole life
has been a lie.
(SOBBING)
My heart hurts.
(GASPING)
Are you okay?
My heart!
-(WHISPERS) Oh, dear God.
-My heart!
YUNG HEE: Oh, no.
-Is she
-Mmm.
-We should
-Take her necklace.
No! Call someone.
All right.
-(PHONE DIALING)
-Wait a second.
This one's unopened.
And it's from Victor to Cathy.
-He never mailed it.
-Well, open it.
Maybe he talks
about Cathy's (BLEEP).
Pigeon, no! We are not
going to open it.
We need to find this Cathy
and give it to her. Maybe
Maybe then there
can be some kind of closure
to this awful situation.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh. I hear you.
Is that the police?
No, it's Deezy. He wants
to know if I want to be
a presenter at the
Hip Hop Awards.
(BLEEP) yeah, I do!
As long as my
Iowa State Cyclones
aren't playing that day.
I really think they'll go
all the way this year,
I really do.
Maybe not.
Can I help you?
Hello, we're looking
for a Cathy Walker.
Does she still live here?
No. I've never heard of anyone
named Cathy Walker.
Allan, I'll take care of this.
You go back to the party.
Yes, Mother.
You're looking
for Cathy Walker?
I haven't heard that name
in almost 30 years.
Do you know her?
Oh, little boy,
I was her.
Come inside.
Oh, whose birthday is it?
Why would you ask that?
You don't know any of these
(BLEEP) people.
Who gives a shit
whose birthday it is?
Actually, it's my birthday.
We're about to have cake.
Well, congratu
(BLEEP) lations.
So, what did you mean when you
said you were Cathy Walker?
I was a spy
for the Soviet Union.
My real name is Katia Petrova.
I spent the Cold War
living here
under cover as an American.
But I grew to love this
country and I stopped
passing information
to the KGB.
How did you find me?
We found this.
Victor.
He was my contact.
We communicated only by mail.
Love letters that contained
secret coded information.
Did he ask you
to give this to me?
I'm afraid Victor passed away.
We found this in his desk.
(READING) "Katia.
"I had hoped never to have
to send you this letter.
"So, if you're reading this,
it means we are compromised.
"There must be
no loose ends, I'm sorry.
"The ink in this letter is
a poison
"that has already penetrated
your skin.
"I wish it could be painless,
but it will be anything but.
"Dasvidanya comrade." (GASPS)
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Nana
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, Mother.
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
(GURGLING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING)
(ON MICROPHONE) And the award
to best female
hip-hop artists goes to
Oh, yeah, my girl,
the Iowa State Cyclone!
(END THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
For today's episode
we didn't think
we could use Happy Birthday
for, you know,
legal reasons,
so we had a backup plan.
Listen to this.
Yay, yay, yay
It's your birthday
Hey, hey, hey, it's your day
It's not Monday
It's not Tuesday
It's not Wednesday
It's not Thursday
It's not Friday
It's not Saturday
It's not Thursday
It's your birthday ♪
I (BLEEP) the days up.
-(LAUGHING)
-(CREW LAUGHING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)