Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e04 Episode Script

All About That Bass

EMCEE: And now,
for our final weigh-in.
Let's give it up
for Fred Gandy!
Let's see what you got
in there, Fred.
EMCEE: Five pounds, one ounce!
Five pounds, three ounces!
Five pounds, seven ounces!
Five pounds, nine ounces!
Are you kiddin' me?
Six pounds, three ounces!
Fred Gandy,
your four-day total
is a
Sam Rayburn Reservoir record
of 76 pounds, five ounces!
FRED: Yes!
Cheater, cheater!
He's a big, fat cheater.
There's only one big, fat
fisherman I see,
and it's you, Bill Van Bibber.
Oh, (BLEEP) you, Fred.
Just (BLEEP) yourself.
You're not half
the angler I am.
There's no way you caught
all those giant fish without
doin' something sneaky,
you slithery old snake.
Why don't you hit those S's
a little harder there, Bill.
You sound like a beach ball
with a hole in it.
-(GASPS) Ooh.
Yeah, I said, "Ooh,"
'cause I'm comin' to get you.
-Easy there!
-You're not gonna
get away with this.
I'm gonna solve this mystery.
I'm quakin' in my boots,
Agatha Christie.
(GASPS) I'm gonna get you bad.
Get your hands off me!
Now, what is your purse
doin' in this aisle.
ANNOUNCER: It's that time
of year again,
the Sam Rayburn Reservoir
Professional Bass Fishing
Coverage begins Thursday
right here on the
Outdoor Sporting
Lifestyle Network,
Channel 755.
You, uh, fishin' in it
this year, Bill?
Why the hell wouldn't I,
Well, everyone seems to think
it's Fred Gandy what's
gonna come away with it.
You mean Fred Cheater?
Yeah, that's right, I said it.
Say, you ever solve
that old mystery
of how he done caught
all them fish what was
in his bag?
I guess I'm just not
a mystery solver.
MIKE: Hey! Do you have
a mystery that you're
needing to solve?
Hi, I'm Mike Tyson,
former heavyweight champion
of the world.
If you need me to solve
your mystery,
simply write down your mystery
on a small piece of paper,
then attach that paper
to a pigeon,
then let that pigeon fly
to my house,
then I will read your paper,
and then,
before you know it,
mystery solved.
It's as simple as one, two,
Four, five.
So, what are you waiting for?
Get up off the canvas
and get back into the ring
of your life.
Don't get knocked down
by your mysteries,
get knocked up, by me,
solving your mysteries.
Don't delay. Offer ends soon.
It's as simple as
one, two, three, four.
Lindsay, I just got
a great idea.
I think we should frost
this little tip right here,
because this country bumpkin
is goin' to the big city
to find himself a pigeon.
(BLEEP) it.
Let's do the whole front.
YUNG HEE: Thank you.
-What is that?
-I don't know.
-Pigeon, did you
order something?
Ugh. Rude.
MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
Oh, shit. Pigeon is dead?
Hmm. What do we do with him?
-I don't think you're supposed
to bury them
because they can get ants
or maggots or something
like that.
-We could burn him.
Or flush him down the toilet.
But I don't think he'll fit.
I guess we could always
cut him up into little pieces,
but if you're gonna do that,
you might as well
just burn him.
Jesus Christ, I'm right here.
Oh! Well, then who's this?
BILL: Well, Lufkin
is a small town,
and we just don't
have many pigeons,
so I had gone to Dallas
and I captured one.
Can you believe it?
Next to a dumpster
behind the 76 station
and I got him in my car.
I just put him on the seat
there in the back
and he was just still,
you know?
And we just drove around
in silence for a while.
And I had about forgot about
him when, out of nowhere,
he flapped up in the
front seat and I damn near
crashed my car.
And I guess I must have
just backhanded him
a little bit,
but his little neck
must have just broken.
I felt bad about it.
But, you know, you had
stated in your commercial
to send you a pigeon
with a note,
and I didn't know
if you needed the pigeon
for technical reasons,
or paperwork,
or what have you,
because I don't know
how it works,
so I went into the
box-and-ship place
and they suggested that
refrigerated packaging,
so that there'd
be no spoilage.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Oh. Okay.
Well, would you like me
to say it again?
No, I was just letting
everyone know that I'm
not interested in any of this.
Well, well, well.
Isn't this a motley crew?
Get your ass outta here, Fred.
Nobody wants you here.
Oh, hi, Fred!
So good to see you.
Sit wherever you like.
Everybody, Fred's here!
MAN 1: Oh, hey there, Fred!
MAN 2: Hey, Fred!
MAN 3: God bless you!
Well, we don't want you here.
Hey, Fred, it's a pleasure
to meet you.
You wanna join us for lunch?
Thank you. No, I don't.
I wanna get some casting in
before the tournament starts
so I'm pickin' up a
chef's salad to eat
on the boat.
Dressing on the side, fatty.
I wouldn't be so cocky
if I were you, Fred.
This is the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
and they're gonna be on
their own boat tomorrow
keepin' an eye on you.
So you better watch
the (BLEEP) out.
Bill, language. There are
children right behind you.
You stupid, stupid asshole.
Sir, did you get all that?
-I just went over a lot
of safety information.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got it.
-Anchors aweigh,
-BILL: What the hell do you
think you're doing?
FRED: My Lord!
Bill Van Bibber,
you just about scared
the wizards outta me.
What is that you've got there?
I knew you were up to
somethin'. I knew it.
(STUTTERING) What are you
even talkin' about?
-I use this to check
how deep the water is.
-Oh, bull crap!
I don't know what
that thing does,
but you use it to cheat,
and it's over.
What are you doin'?
I'm reporting you.
Your little party is over.
This is Bill Van Bibber,
and I'm on the south side
of the lake,
up near Big Beaver Hall.
FRED: I said put that down.
You never said,
"Put that down."
Well, I thought it.
And now I'm sayin' it.
Now, put that Hold on.
Well Stay on your own boat.
-Don't move, 'cause
you're rockin' the boat.
-Well, I'm not
Why would I want you
to be on my boat?
It doesn't matter what you
want 'cause I'm the one
with the sword.
You'd kill me over fish?
What kind of maniac would be
drivin' a boat flat-out
in this kind of fog?
Dad, you hit somebody!
MARQUESS: Michael!
YUNG HEE: Dad, stop!
You have to turn around!
No way! I think I told the guy
I did not want the insurance.
This didn't happen.
Nothing happened. I'm
(BLEEP) killing all of you.
I'm serious,
I'm (BLEEP) panickin'!
-Anchors aweigh!
Let me, uh, know
if you guys need any help.
Fred Gandy?
Fred Gandy, you saved my life.
Oh, God, Fred.
No, that's
It's gonna be fine.
It's go Well.
It might not be perfect.
(GROANING) Listen to me.
I'm gonna call someone.
I'm gonna call someone.
You're fine.
Shut your mouth
and listen to me.
You were right.
-I cheated.
-Well, I
I don't care about that
-I gotta get you help.
I need you to take that sword,
find a quiet place
in the lake,
and throw it in.
Well, why do you
want me to do that?
Just do what I say!
(GROANS) Please, Bill.
I love you, Fred.
I love you too, Bill.
I always have.
-We should have (BLEEP).
We should have
(BLEEP) each other.
I bet if we'd got that
out of our system,
we would have been closer.
Or maybe not.
Maybe it would
have been awful.
Well, I'm gonna take
the sword to some quiet
place in the lake,
just like you said, okay?
Maybe Three Wiener Cove.
Right where the three wieners
come together.
Oh, Fred
The Lady of the Lake.
Then this sword is Excalibur.
It all makes sense now.
All of it.
Fred Gandy?
(YELLING) You're right, Fred.
We should have (BLEEP).
Thanks again
for picking me up.
You can just drop me off
anywhere'd be good.
I think they're biting.
I think they're biting.
Yeah, I feel a little
tug there.
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