Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e05 Episode Script

Foxcroft Academy for Boys

Thank God, you're here.
Dean Hutchinson is waiting
for you in his office.
This way.
How long has
the boy been missing?
We don't know exactly.
We only started looking
when he failed to show up
for classes this morning.
It's most upsetting.
Please, the Dean's office
is just up these stairs.
You guys got a bathroom?
Oh, yes.
Uh, we just passed it.
Here, let me show you.
-Here you are.
-Thank you.
I'm sure
he'll just be a minute.
-MIKE: Hey, Deezy.
What's up, fool?
Hey, what up, Mike?
How's my number one client?
working on a mystery.
Cool, where you at?
I think New England,
Connecticut or some (BLEEP).
No, no, no. I mean right now.
I mean it sounds echoey.
Like you in the bathroom.
-MIKE: Not at all.
Where are you?
Oh, I'm at a business dinner.
You know, upscale steakhouse,
like a Ruth's Chris,
like that level.
That's cool.
What you want, Deezy?
I'm just checking
your availability
to co-host The View.
First week of December.
It's looking
like Tuesday the 3rd,
but it might have to be
Wednesday the 4th,
depending on when
they can get Dakota Fanning.
Who's she again?
She's the lady
from Fifty Shades of Grey.
-Hey, what was that?
-I just flushed the toilet
because I took a shit
while we were talking.
Oh, that's cool.
That's cool, that's cool.
So when do you think
you're going to have
this mystery wrapped up?
Just so I'm
abreast of your schedule.
I don't know, Deezy,
we're about to meet the Dean
and then I'll have
a better idea.
So, what's going on with you?
You going back to Michigan
for Thanksgiving?
Saint Louis? Why are you
going to Saint Louis?
You're from Saint Louis?
How come this whole time
I thought you were
from Michigan?
Why didn't you say nothing
when I got you
that Megatron jersey?
Didn't want to
make me feel bad?
You can make me feel bad,
that's what friends are for.
Of course,
I consider you a friend!
Could one of you maybe
please go in and get him?
This is really quite urgent.
It sounds like he's
Almost done.
MIKE: Hold on, Deezy,
I've got another call.
It's George Lopez.
We've been playing phone tag.
Okay, well, call me
after you get done.
No, no, no, stay on, I'll
I'll merge the call.
Shit, I think I forgot
how to merge a call.
If I hang up on you
just call me back.
No, don't call me back.
That'll (BLEEP) up my call.
Okay, hold on.
-Here we go.
George, are you there?
Deezy, are you there too?
Oh, hell yeah, I did it!
Oh, (BLEEP),
my phone's about to die.
To think that he could be
somewhere out there
in that cold and rain.
A young boy
Did you contact the police?
We were hoping
to avoid that, you see.
This is a delicate matter
owing to who
the boy's mother is.
Who is his mother?
United States Senator
Elaine Fitzpatrick.
Not that one child
is any more precious
than another,
but obviously
the publicity involved
in something like this
could be terribly damaging
for Foxcroft Academy.
You know, institutions
such as Foxcroft
are increasingly rare,
for it is we alone who demand
a strict adherence
to traditional educational
in curricula
which have scarcely changed
in more than 200 years.
I have a question that no one
has bothered to ask.
Has anyone thought of
calling the police?
Uh, I already
asked that question.
I see.
Then we don't have much time.
Oh, and one final question.
Tell me what happened
that you are just meeting us
for the first time
and we are all
just now listening.
This is a stupid idea.
No one's gonna
believe I'm a boy.
(CHUCKLING) No, of course not.
It's not funny!
What about my breasts?
I mean, don't we need
to bind them or something?
(CHUCKLES) Your breasts?
By God, you have
serious body dysmorphia!
What exactly
do you think you look like?
Dad, this is never
going to work.
I don't look like a boy.
Young man, stop dabbing
in the hallway
like a foolish boy
and get to class!
You could never become
the man you're meant to be
if you keep acting
like the boy you are.
Oh, my God.
There's a good boy!
Look at that manly walk.
There goes a Foxcroft lad.
Please don't let this
be an omen about poor Timothy.
Come on, here, boy!
He's not a dog!
Maybe we're going
about this all wrong.
Oh, I'm sure of that.
While the rest of the kids
are in class,
maybe we should go check out
Timothy's dorm room,
we may find some clues.
-Or money or something.
Okay, I found out something.
Oh, good. What is it?
Okay, uh, there's a tradition
that all the first years do,
where they go out in the woods
behind the school at night
and they have a party.
Mmm! Well, that sounds fun.
No, it's not a regular party.
It's a
Um, I don't want to say it.
It's a
Jack-off party, okay?
They call it a jack-off party.
Still sounds fun. What?
What the (BLEEP)
is a jack-off party?
Apparently, it's a party where
all the boys, you know,
And I guess curfew's at 11:00,
so they all stopped at 10:45,
so they could get back,
except Timothy
who just kept going.
They said they tried to
get him to stop,
but he refused, so,
they just left him
in the woods
to jack-off.
For a person who seems
incredibly uncomfortable
saying, "Jack-off,"
it seems weird
you threw in that last one.
So did anyone go looking
for him this morning?
Yes, and he wasn't there.
I bet a bear ate him.
Aren't bears
attracted to semen?
I know sharks are.
I learned that the hard way.
Well, let's go.
Ah, Michael!
What are you talking about?
We got to get ready
for Thanksgiving.
I got this talk show
appearance coming up.
Next thing you know,
it's Christmas.
This is just
a crazy time of the year, man.
Let's get out of here.
A boy is missing!
I said we're
out of here, Marquess!
Now shut the (BLEEP) up,
get in the (BLEEP) van
and let's get the (BLEEP)
out of here.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, Marquess.
I think I lashed out
because I'm just distraught
over this little missing boy
and the fact that we were
just going to give up on him.
Oh, well that was
your idea, wasn't it?
Do you think this is the spot?
I think so.
They said the big maple tree
with the knot in it.
Ugh, I can't imagine
what that hole is filled with.
You can't imagine?
It's obvious,
it's filled with semen!
Semen from a bunch
of teenage boys!
Help me! Someone!
Help! Help!
(GASPS) Timothy?
Timothy, is that you?
TIMOTHY: Yes, it's me! Help!
What the (BLEEP)
are you doing in there?
I don't remember.
Timothy, here. Take my hand.
Oh, Timothy, just
Oh, who grabbed me?
-You've got him?
Oh, he's too slippery!
Are you okay?
Yes, uh, I think so.
Just soaked in ejaculate, huh?
YUNG HEE: It's alive!
THE TREE: Yes, I am alive!
For 200 years,
bullies have gathered here
and planted their seeds.
And last night
one of those seeds germinated.
Thank you, Timothy.
Thank you for giving me life!
You have magic seed in you.
Use it wisely.
But for the rest
of those boys
The boys who used me
for nothing
but their own pleasure!
I'll get every last one
and snatch off their peckers.
Snatch off their peckers,
every one!
I guess that's
the Tree of Life.
Now let's get you boys
back to school.
PIGEON: Hey, were you scared?
When the tree came to life?
Oh, no, earlier.
When Mike almost
beat the shit out of you.
I mean, that was crazy.
You know, he can
(BLEEP) kill you?
He could kill all of us.
-I think sometimes we forget
that that's Mike Tyson.
-MIKE: Hey!
Let's pick up
the mother (BLEEP)
pace back there.
PIGEON: Okay, moving on.
MARQUESS: Sorry, Michael.
PIGEON: Moving on.
Are you Douglas Wills?
The Douglas Wills that
attended Foxcroft Academy
for Boys,
class of 1981?
(STAMMERS) Yes, yes, yes!
Pull down your pants.
Now, I have snatched
every pecker
from every boy
that ever spilt his
pecker wit on me.
-And they're all hanging
in my branches.
Douglas, it's time for me
to add your pecker
to my branches.
Now, hold up your pecker,
so I can snatch it off.
-WOMAN: No! Stop! Oh, no!
-No, no, please, please, no!
Woman, you should not
be with this man.
He's no good.
I think you should
get yourself a job
and make your own money
and not go out with men
with a convertible car.
Now, Douglas,
it's time to say goodbye
to your pecker.
Oh, God, no!
Ahhh! Ahhh!
-THE TREE: Douglas
Good Lord,
you have a nice pecker.
It feels so good!
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