Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e06 Episode Script
A Mine Is a Terrible Thing to Waste
1
TOM: And I mean none of us
would be standing here
today under this hot sun
if it were not for
the tireless, dogged work
of your mayor and mine,
Casa Grande's own,
Mayor Joe Schaeffer.
-Joe, get on up here.
-(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you, Tom.
Now, we are here today
to celebrate the opening
of this beautiful museum
dedicated to the history
of our local mining industry.
An industry without which,
I dare say
Casa Grande would not be
one of the 25 best places
to do business
in the Southwest
according to
Tickler's Business Insider.
Nor one of the top
500 places to raise a family
in the Western United States
according to Reddit.
So, without further ado
BOTH: The Casa Grande Museum
TOM: of Mining History
MAYOR: of the History
of Mining
BOTH: is now open.
Uh-oh.
(CHUCKLING) Let's try
that again.
Now, it's open.
The material just sort of
bunching up in there.
Let me just
Let me hold it taut.
It's these novelty scissors,
they don't have any edge.
(WHISPERS) What do we do?
(WHISPERS) I don't know.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Yo, Mike.
Deezy, what the (BLEEP)
are you doing here?
You know I don't like
when people just pop in, man.
Why didn't you (BLEEP) call?
I did, but it kept
going to voicemail.
What? Oh damn,
my battery's dead.
I bet I know
how that happened.
I was watching a bunch
of videos, man.
You seen the one where
this guy was blowing out
the birthday candles
and then it blew his face off?
No, no I didn't see that one.
Oh, man, it's so
(BLEEP) funny, man.
I'm gonna text it to you, man.
Oh damn, my battery's dead.
How the (BLEEP)
did that happen?
It's cool, it's cool,
don't worry about it.
Just text me it later.
I do want to see it.
Sounds funny.
Now, Mike.
I have something
I gotta talk to you about.
What's going on Deezy?
You sound serious.
Are you dropping me
as a client?
You better rearrange
your thoughts mother (BLEEP).
I'll drop you as my agent.
You're a shitty agent.
I'm gonna kick
your ass right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mike, Mike. Breathe, breathe.
-I'm not dropping you
as a client.
-Okay, what's up?
Um, I was just wondering
how you would feel
about an internship program.
Mmm. I might really like that.
Depends on where
the internship is.
But I could definitely go for
a change of career.
I mean, man, solving mysteries
is stressing me out.
It's like, "What What am I
doing with my life?"
You know, "Who the (BLEEP)
are these people on my team?"
I don't really like
any of these people.
We don't have
anything in common.
Like interests.
Like, I'm into video games
and (BLEEP) you know?
Like, if you got me
into an internship
with Xbox or some shit,
that could be good.
Just play video games all day,
and just get paid for it.
I like that.
No, no, no, no, Mike.
You wouldn't be the intern.
I'm talking about someone
being an intern for you.
Okay, that sounds good.
Viennetta! He says,
"Sounds good"!
-Who the (BLEEP) is that?
-That's my niece.
She just graduated
from community college,
and she's out here
figuring out
what she wants to do.
Nice to meet you.
My name's Viennetta,
like the ice cream.
My name is Mike Tyson
like the heavyweight champion
of the world, Mike Tyson.
Um, Dad. Sorry to interrupt
but we have a new mystery.
Ooh, perfect timing.
Now remember
what I told you, Viennetta.
Keep your eyes and ears open.
Keep your head on a swivel,
but keep your feet
on the ground.
Open your heart and your mind,
and there's nowhere you
imagination can't take you.
Okay, I gotta go.
The tint is bubbling on
my (BLEEP) rear windshield.
Gotta get that smoothed out.
You are what you drive.
Remember that, Viennetta.
(ENGINE STARTING)
So, Viennetta,
have you always been
interested in mysteries?
Oh, I'm not interested
in mysteries.
But my uncle said
this would be
a good back-up plan.
PIGEON: Well, your uncle
is a very smart fellow.
To get you
an internship at a thing
that is not a company,
where no one makes any money,
but every once in a while
you might get killed
due to the gross incompetence
of your completely
unqualified colleagues.
-(CHUCKLES)
-(MARQUESS GRUMBLING)
Are you done?
Because we can wait
until you're done.
No, I'm done.
Great. Now, Viennetta
Oh, one more thing.
-What?
-Jesus, calm down.
No. You always do this,
Pigeon. You always do this.
Just say it.
Well, now I've forgotten
what I was gonna say
because you shrieked at me.
You are driving me
(BLEEP) insane.
(BLEEP) insane.
I'm so sorry, Viennetta.
(LAUGHING)
So, um, what career
are you interested in?
Well, my mom and my pastor
always told me
I should be a model.
So, that's what I really
came out here to do.
Ooh. Ah. You know,
I did some modeling
back in my day.
Yeah. I was a life model
for a few of my
painter friends.
Manet, Courbet, Rousseau.
Ah, I did 'em all.
Yeah, I'm sure you did,
you dead queen.
Oh, you know what?
You know what?
Anyways. Viennetta,
have you had any luck yet?
Not yet. My uncle
took me to a bunch
of modeling agencies,
except it turns out
all the modeling agencies
in Las Vegas
are actually escort agencies.
So, I didn't really get
any good photos
for my portfolio.
PIGEON: Oh,
I wouldn't say that.
Hey, this one of you holding
this older man's penis
is all right.
Maybe not for high fashion,
but for like, you know,
medium to lower fashion.
It seems okay.
I feel like we're
losing the crowd here.
When do we send the pigeon?
-Monday.
-(GROANS)
It's Wednesday.
-It's Thursday.
-That's even worse then.
Hold it, Joe. What is that?
(ENGINE WHIRRING)
-Was that him?
-I think so.
African-American gentleman.
Thought I saw
a tattoo on the face,
but he was really movin'.
(TIRES SQUEAL)
No, he's coming back.
Hmm, maybe he's gonna
get food for all of us.
(HAND BRAKE CRANKS)
Dad, shouldn't we help them,
and then you can eat?
Yung, I gotta take care
of myself before I can
take care of anyone else.
It's like when you're on
a plane and all the oxygen
masks fall down,
I gotta get my mask on myself
before some other mother
(BLEEP) takes all the masks.
He's coming.
Now get ready, everybody.
MAYOR: Some of you may have
been wondering,
"What is the hold up here?"
"When am I going
to get to enter
"the Casa Grande
Museum of the History
of Mining Museum?"
-Well, your wait is over.
-(SLURPING)
-Hey, man, is this the ribbon?
-Yes, sir.
And those big
mother (BLEEP) scissors
didn't work?
Uh, no, sir.
They just pinch up
on the fabric.
MIKE: Does anybody
got like, a pocket knife
with scissors on it?
MAYOR: Oh, you know,
I have mine right here.
TOM: Well, I think
Oh, I just need one.
The Casa Grande Natural
History Museum of Mining
and Mining History is now
open
for
business.
-MAYOR: Hey!
-(CROWD CHEERING)
Huh. My God.
Who on Earth
would buy any of this?
How much for
that big-ass mine clock?
-Oh, that's $2,800.
-Only? Wrap that (BLEEP) up.
Well, there you go.
And do you frame
these posters?
I want that one with all those
famous miners on it.
Yung, give the man
my credit card.
Hey, you got
my lip balm in there?
Thank you.
It's dry as a mother (BLEEP)
in Casa Grande, Arizona
Museum of Mining
History Museum.
Ooh, can I have a quarter?
They have a gumball machine.
-Dad, you just
had a milkshake.
-Please!
-(VIENNETTA SCREAMING)
-Viennetta!
MIKE: What the (BLEEP)
is that hole?
That's one of the many
abandoned mines that dot
the landscape of Casa Grande.
Hence, the museum.
To preserve the
heritage of this land.
(EXCLAIMS) Shouldn't it be
fenced off or at least marked?
A young woman
has fallen in there.
We weren't ready to open.
We weren't, Joe,
but you rushed us!
You said the ribbon cutting
is unmovable.
Those were your words, Joe.
I'm taking you down.
I'm exposing you.
The (BLEEP) you will, Tom.
(SCREAMING)
(THUDS)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-(MAYOR GASPS)
Oh, hey, Deezy. What's up?
DEEZY: (ON PHONE) Not much.
What's up with you?
-Not much.
-So, how's Viennetta
working out?
You there, Mike?
Put me on to Viennetta.
(HUMMING THEME MUSIC)
Michael, what on Earth
are you doing?
I'm trying to end it.
I just want it all to be over.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
Michael. Michael.
Michael, we have
to do something.
Snap out of it!
Michael, snap out of it!
Thank you, Marquess.
But don't you ever
(BLEEP) slap me again,
or I'll knock you back
to wherever the (BLEEP)
you came from,
you (BLEEP) rat.
Okay. Think, Mike.
Think, Mike. Think, Mike.
Rat? Do I look
like a rat to you?
I was a model
-(GASPS) Michael!
-Dad!
(THUDS)
Viennetta, are you okay?
I think so.
Where's that other dude?
Do you think he's okay?
If we ever get out of here,
I'm not gonna let anything
stand between me and my dream.
No more back-up plans for me.
That's an amazing story.
I would have been
so terribly disappointed
if I never found out
how you got out of that mine.
Now, let's have a look at
your resume, shall we?
Graduated from
St. Louis Community College.
Interned at Mike Tyson
Mysteries, impressive.
And do you have a portfolio?
Uh-huh. Yes, ma'am.
Hmm.
And who is this older man?
Oh, I didn't get his name.
Well, I think I've seen
all I need to see.
Lauren, will you let Andre
know we've just found
our September cover model?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
TOM: And I mean none of us
would be standing here
today under this hot sun
if it were not for
the tireless, dogged work
of your mayor and mine,
Casa Grande's own,
Mayor Joe Schaeffer.
-Joe, get on up here.
-(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you, Tom.
Now, we are here today
to celebrate the opening
of this beautiful museum
dedicated to the history
of our local mining industry.
An industry without which,
I dare say
Casa Grande would not be
one of the 25 best places
to do business
in the Southwest
according to
Tickler's Business Insider.
Nor one of the top
500 places to raise a family
in the Western United States
according to Reddit.
So, without further ado
BOTH: The Casa Grande Museum
TOM: of Mining History
MAYOR: of the History
of Mining
BOTH: is now open.
Uh-oh.
(CHUCKLING) Let's try
that again.
Now, it's open.
The material just sort of
bunching up in there.
Let me just
Let me hold it taut.
It's these novelty scissors,
they don't have any edge.
(WHISPERS) What do we do?
(WHISPERS) I don't know.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Yo, Mike.
Deezy, what the (BLEEP)
are you doing here?
You know I don't like
when people just pop in, man.
Why didn't you (BLEEP) call?
I did, but it kept
going to voicemail.
What? Oh damn,
my battery's dead.
I bet I know
how that happened.
I was watching a bunch
of videos, man.
You seen the one where
this guy was blowing out
the birthday candles
and then it blew his face off?
No, no I didn't see that one.
Oh, man, it's so
(BLEEP) funny, man.
I'm gonna text it to you, man.
Oh damn, my battery's dead.
How the (BLEEP)
did that happen?
It's cool, it's cool,
don't worry about it.
Just text me it later.
I do want to see it.
Sounds funny.
Now, Mike.
I have something
I gotta talk to you about.
What's going on Deezy?
You sound serious.
Are you dropping me
as a client?
You better rearrange
your thoughts mother (BLEEP).
I'll drop you as my agent.
You're a shitty agent.
I'm gonna kick
your ass right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mike, Mike. Breathe, breathe.
-I'm not dropping you
as a client.
-Okay, what's up?
Um, I was just wondering
how you would feel
about an internship program.
Mmm. I might really like that.
Depends on where
the internship is.
But I could definitely go for
a change of career.
I mean, man, solving mysteries
is stressing me out.
It's like, "What What am I
doing with my life?"
You know, "Who the (BLEEP)
are these people on my team?"
I don't really like
any of these people.
We don't have
anything in common.
Like interests.
Like, I'm into video games
and (BLEEP) you know?
Like, if you got me
into an internship
with Xbox or some shit,
that could be good.
Just play video games all day,
and just get paid for it.
I like that.
No, no, no, no, Mike.
You wouldn't be the intern.
I'm talking about someone
being an intern for you.
Okay, that sounds good.
Viennetta! He says,
"Sounds good"!
-Who the (BLEEP) is that?
-That's my niece.
She just graduated
from community college,
and she's out here
figuring out
what she wants to do.
Nice to meet you.
My name's Viennetta,
like the ice cream.
My name is Mike Tyson
like the heavyweight champion
of the world, Mike Tyson.
Um, Dad. Sorry to interrupt
but we have a new mystery.
Ooh, perfect timing.
Now remember
what I told you, Viennetta.
Keep your eyes and ears open.
Keep your head on a swivel,
but keep your feet
on the ground.
Open your heart and your mind,
and there's nowhere you
imagination can't take you.
Okay, I gotta go.
The tint is bubbling on
my (BLEEP) rear windshield.
Gotta get that smoothed out.
You are what you drive.
Remember that, Viennetta.
(ENGINE STARTING)
So, Viennetta,
have you always been
interested in mysteries?
Oh, I'm not interested
in mysteries.
But my uncle said
this would be
a good back-up plan.
PIGEON: Well, your uncle
is a very smart fellow.
To get you
an internship at a thing
that is not a company,
where no one makes any money,
but every once in a while
you might get killed
due to the gross incompetence
of your completely
unqualified colleagues.
-(CHUCKLES)
-(MARQUESS GRUMBLING)
Are you done?
Because we can wait
until you're done.
No, I'm done.
Great. Now, Viennetta
Oh, one more thing.
-What?
-Jesus, calm down.
No. You always do this,
Pigeon. You always do this.
Just say it.
Well, now I've forgotten
what I was gonna say
because you shrieked at me.
You are driving me
(BLEEP) insane.
(BLEEP) insane.
I'm so sorry, Viennetta.
(LAUGHING)
So, um, what career
are you interested in?
Well, my mom and my pastor
always told me
I should be a model.
So, that's what I really
came out here to do.
Ooh. Ah. You know,
I did some modeling
back in my day.
Yeah. I was a life model
for a few of my
painter friends.
Manet, Courbet, Rousseau.
Ah, I did 'em all.
Yeah, I'm sure you did,
you dead queen.
Oh, you know what?
You know what?
Anyways. Viennetta,
have you had any luck yet?
Not yet. My uncle
took me to a bunch
of modeling agencies,
except it turns out
all the modeling agencies
in Las Vegas
are actually escort agencies.
So, I didn't really get
any good photos
for my portfolio.
PIGEON: Oh,
I wouldn't say that.
Hey, this one of you holding
this older man's penis
is all right.
Maybe not for high fashion,
but for like, you know,
medium to lower fashion.
It seems okay.
I feel like we're
losing the crowd here.
When do we send the pigeon?
-Monday.
-(GROANS)
It's Wednesday.
-It's Thursday.
-That's even worse then.
Hold it, Joe. What is that?
(ENGINE WHIRRING)
-Was that him?
-I think so.
African-American gentleman.
Thought I saw
a tattoo on the face,
but he was really movin'.
(TIRES SQUEAL)
No, he's coming back.
Hmm, maybe he's gonna
get food for all of us.
(HAND BRAKE CRANKS)
Dad, shouldn't we help them,
and then you can eat?
Yung, I gotta take care
of myself before I can
take care of anyone else.
It's like when you're on
a plane and all the oxygen
masks fall down,
I gotta get my mask on myself
before some other mother
(BLEEP) takes all the masks.
He's coming.
Now get ready, everybody.
MAYOR: Some of you may have
been wondering,
"What is the hold up here?"
"When am I going
to get to enter
"the Casa Grande
Museum of the History
of Mining Museum?"
-Well, your wait is over.
-(SLURPING)
-Hey, man, is this the ribbon?
-Yes, sir.
And those big
mother (BLEEP) scissors
didn't work?
Uh, no, sir.
They just pinch up
on the fabric.
MIKE: Does anybody
got like, a pocket knife
with scissors on it?
MAYOR: Oh, you know,
I have mine right here.
TOM: Well, I think
Oh, I just need one.
The Casa Grande Natural
History Museum of Mining
and Mining History is now
open
for
business.
-MAYOR: Hey!
-(CROWD CHEERING)
Huh. My God.
Who on Earth
would buy any of this?
How much for
that big-ass mine clock?
-Oh, that's $2,800.
-Only? Wrap that (BLEEP) up.
Well, there you go.
And do you frame
these posters?
I want that one with all those
famous miners on it.
Yung, give the man
my credit card.
Hey, you got
my lip balm in there?
Thank you.
It's dry as a mother (BLEEP)
in Casa Grande, Arizona
Museum of Mining
History Museum.
Ooh, can I have a quarter?
They have a gumball machine.
-Dad, you just
had a milkshake.
-Please!
-(VIENNETTA SCREAMING)
-Viennetta!
MIKE: What the (BLEEP)
is that hole?
That's one of the many
abandoned mines that dot
the landscape of Casa Grande.
Hence, the museum.
To preserve the
heritage of this land.
(EXCLAIMS) Shouldn't it be
fenced off or at least marked?
A young woman
has fallen in there.
We weren't ready to open.
We weren't, Joe,
but you rushed us!
You said the ribbon cutting
is unmovable.
Those were your words, Joe.
I'm taking you down.
I'm exposing you.
The (BLEEP) you will, Tom.
(SCREAMING)
(THUDS)
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-(MAYOR GASPS)
Oh, hey, Deezy. What's up?
DEEZY: (ON PHONE) Not much.
What's up with you?
-Not much.
-So, how's Viennetta
working out?
You there, Mike?
Put me on to Viennetta.
(HUMMING THEME MUSIC)
Michael, what on Earth
are you doing?
I'm trying to end it.
I just want it all to be over.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
Michael. Michael.
Michael, we have
to do something.
Snap out of it!
Michael, snap out of it!
Thank you, Marquess.
But don't you ever
(BLEEP) slap me again,
or I'll knock you back
to wherever the (BLEEP)
you came from,
you (BLEEP) rat.
Okay. Think, Mike.
Think, Mike. Think, Mike.
Rat? Do I look
like a rat to you?
I was a model
-(GASPS) Michael!
-Dad!
(THUDS)
Viennetta, are you okay?
I think so.
Where's that other dude?
Do you think he's okay?
If we ever get out of here,
I'm not gonna let anything
stand between me and my dream.
No more back-up plans for me.
That's an amazing story.
I would have been
so terribly disappointed
if I never found out
how you got out of that mine.
Now, let's have a look at
your resume, shall we?
Graduated from
St. Louis Community College.
Interned at Mike Tyson
Mysteries, impressive.
And do you have a portfolio?
Uh-huh. Yes, ma'am.
Hmm.
And who is this older man?
Oh, I didn't get his name.
Well, I think I've seen
all I need to see.
Lauren, will you let Andre
know we've just found
our September cover model?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)