Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e07 Episode Script
Broken Wings
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
We're here.
-Hey, wake up.
-(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, man,
did you vomit in my car?
(GROANS) What?
DRIVER: Did you vomit
in my car, mother (BLEEP)?
PIGEON: I don't What?
DRIVER: Get the (BLEEP) out
of my car, mother (BLEEP)!
PIGEON: Okay, okay.
-Get out!
-Okay!
-Just give me
a (BLEEP) second.
-Get out!
-PIGEON: Give me
a (BLEEP) second!
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Oh, no.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
(GAGS)
-Hey, don't you
throw up again.
-(GRUNTS)
Oh, I'm not going to throw
I'm not going to, don't worry.
Oh, just let me
Ah, oh yeah!
-(PIGEON SIGHS)
-(BLEEP) damn it,
you (BLEEP) piece of (BLEEP)!
-Get out!
-Okay, okay, I'm out! Okay?
Okay.
-(KEYS JANGLING)
-PIGEON: Oh, son of a bitch!
Come on, man!
-(BLEEP)
-(DOOR UNLOCKING)
-(ALARM RINGING)
-Ah, (BLEEP) damn it!
(STRAINING)
Okay.
-Okay, what the hell
is his birthday anyways?
-(KEYPAD BEEPS)
(BUZZES)
-(ALARM BLARING)
-Mother (BLEEP).
Oh(SIGHS)
(THUDS)
(DOOR OPENS)
MIKE: Whoever broke
into my house,
you just made
the worst mistake
of your mother (BLEEP) life.
Who's in the house?
Dad, what's going on?
It's just Pigeon.
Yung, what the (BLEEP)
is my birthday?
June 30th!
No, in computer.
0-6-3-0.
(KEYPAD BEEPS)
-(ALARM TURNS OFF)
-MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS)
What is going on?
-No, it's okay.
It was just Pigeon.
-Oh.
Marquess, is everything okay?
Yes, Daniel,
everything's fine.
Everyone, you remember Daniel,
my, um
My friend.
(MARQUESS CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. Daniel, yeah,
you can go back to bed.
I mean, you know.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, you
To sleep on the couch,
the one that's in my room,
the one that you
fell asleep on,
you know,
when we were just, um
Playing, uh
Mmm, poker?
Yeah, we were
playing poker and, um.
Oh, it got late, and, um
He fell asleep on the couch
that's in my room.
Oh, my God!
What happened to him?
VETERINARIAN:
Okay, here's the deal.
We've cleaned the bird up,
we've noticed
a lot of lacerations,
one would require stitches
to close, but the, um
The larger issue
is the broken wing.
The radius was shattered
and the ulna
has two fractures in it.
Now, I can set the bone
and put what is essentially
a cast on the wing,
and there's a decent chance
at a full recovery.
But that is going to run you
about $650.
-So, most people just elect
to euthanize the animal.
-(GASPS)
Which I'm happy to do.
It's your choice.
You know, a family dog,
obviously, people would
say that's worth it,
but, I mean,
this is just a pigeon, so
All right, if you say so.
-Go ahead and put him down.
-Michael!
-That's free, right?
-Dad!
What? Everybody says
I spend money foolishly,
and this guy says it costs
650 bucks.
It's not worth it, unless
it's a dog or something, shit.
No, we'll pay.
Oh, okay.
Uh, let me go stop Kelly then.
VETERINARIAN: Kelly!
How are you feeling?
The doctor said you're going
to make a full recovery.
No, he said there's a chance.
What happened?
I don't want to
talk about this.
All right, we respect your
Okay, I'll tell you about it.
Here's what happened.
I answered an ad
on Craigslist.
"Casual encounters,"
"woman for man,"
subject,
"Large Labia Lovers Only."
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it got my attention too.
"Bring cash," it said.
Obviously, a whore.
But I love large labias
so, what was I supposed to do?
So, I got a room
at a shitty motel,
got real drunk.
I hear a knock at the door,
I open it.
And what do you know, huh?
A big guy,
thick Russian accent
standing there.
(IMITATES RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"Give me your money."
(NORMAL VOICE) Then he
stepped on me
with his dumb (BLEEP)
fake cowboy boots.
He beat the shit out of me.
He took my money.
Thankfully he didn't
see my cell phone
so, I could call a ride home.
Oh, hell, I've got to give
that driver no stars.
(CHUCKLES)
(IMITATES DRIVER)
"Don't throw up in my car."
(BLEEP) you!
But anyways,
(STAMMERS) I really don't
want to talk about it.
Okay, Pigeon. But whenever
you're ready to tell us
what happened to you
we'll be right here for you.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"I was gonna transfer
all of my old home movies
onto a DVD
"but the guy at the
computer store told me
"I should just
put them all on the cloud.
"I'm very confused.
"Also, I think I already
have the cloud,
"but I forgot my password,
I think.
"God Bless, Thomas Hollinger."
"God bless"?
Ooh, this sounds
like a good one.
To the Mystery Mobile!
You guys have fun.
What? Why are you not going?
I'm still recovering.
Mmm! Ah, yeah!
(GASPS) Pigeon!
It's been six months!
You're fully recovered,
and you need to stop
taking those pain pills.
(SIGHS) I'm in pain, asshole.
That's because you haven't
done anything the doctor said.
You're supposed to be
using your wing.
I use my wing plenty,
no thanks to any of you.
Well, except for Marquess.
Marquess was the only one
who would jack me off
with any regularity.
And I thank you, Marquess.
No! Ew! No! No!
I think Yung's point
was you need to be doing
some kind of physical therapy.
You know, Daniel is a healer.
Who the (BLEEP) is Daniel?
What? Daniel is my boy
Poker buddy. My poker buddy.
And he's very gifted
and has helped
a lot of people.
You should go see him.
Let me think about it No.
-(CHUCKLES)
-Do it, Pigeon.
Or come with us
and help solve the mystery
of the home video.
Criminy, that's the choice?
They ought to give
people when they
want to go to rehab,
you'd cure drug addiction
overnight in this country.
Mystery of the home videos
(BLEEPING)
(SIGHS) All right.
Give me your boy
I mean
your poker buddy's number.
Hey, Pigeon. Where you at?
You home?
Yeah, yeah, I'm home.
And not just physically,
I'm emotionally home.
Ha! Like, for the first time
in my life,
everything feels
(SIGHS) Congruous.
(CHUCKLES) Does that make
any sense?
Cool, cool. Okay.
I need you to go
over to the computer,
and see if you can
get this guy's home video
up on the cloud.
I'm going to send you a link
and you click on to the link.
Tell me when you're there.
We're at this guy's house
way up in the Ruby Mountains
and there's like
no reception,
so if we lose you,
just call back.
But I'll probably
won't be able to pick up
because there's no reception.
You there yet?
Yeah, I'm here.
-MIKE: You see the cloud?
-Uh, yes.
-You see all the videos
on the cloud?
-PIGEON: Yes.
MIKE: Okay, click on one
and make sure it's working.
I don't trust the cloud.
You know why? Because
I don't understand the cloud.
It's like everybody
made fun of Warren Buffett
because he didn't invest
in those damn
dot-com companies.
Everybody was making
all that money,
and he said it's because
he didn't understand
those dot-com companies.
And he didn't understand why
they were valued so high,
so he didn't invest.
But nobody was laughing
when the dot-com company
crash happened.
Nobody but Warren Buffett.
So, (BLEEP) that cloud.
Until I understand that cloud,
I'm going to stay off
that cloud.
Uh, Mike
It's like what happened
in the dot-com crash.
You ever heard
of Warren Buffett?
Let me tell you a story
about Warren Buffett.
Mike, you have got to
get out of that house.
MIKE: What did you say?
Get out of my blouse?
Take off my blouse?
(BLEEP), Pigeon,
it's not that kind
of phone call, man.
You're a sex addict.
Oh, for God's sakes,
get out of there!
Hello? Hello? Hello?
(DIALING)
(LING RINGING)
-MIKE: (OVER PHONE) Hello?
-Mike! Mike, can you hear me?
You have to get out
of that house!
-MIKE: Hello?
-Mike, the guy is a murderer!
MIKE: Got you!
Now leave a message
before I knock you out.
-(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
-(PIGEON SIGHS)
Ruby Mountain
Sheriff's Office.
-(TELEPHONE RINGS)
-Ruby Mountain
Sheriff's Office,
Deputy Bainbridge talking.
PIGEON: (OVER PHONE) Yeah.
Yeah, listen.
You got a guy named
Thomas Hollinger who
lives up in those mountains.
DEPUTY BAINBRIDGE: Oh, yeah.
He's that creepy fellow
that lives way up
at the tippy top
of the mountain.
Well, you've got to
get up there
because he's about to
murder a bunch of people.
Well if that's true,
and I'm not saying it's not,
it'd take us about six hours
to get up there.
PIGEON: Six hours?
Well, with all them
twisty-turny roads
Of course, it's only about
15 minutes as the crow flies.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(SIGHS)
Okay, (BLEEP) it.
Worse comes to worse,
I commit suicide.
(SCREAMING)
Oh!
Oh, my God! I'm flying!
I'm free!
(INDISTINCT TALKING
OVER RADIO)
(SIREN BLARING)
You saved our lives, Pigeon.
Now let's get the (BLEEP)
out of here.
Aren't you coming?
(LAUGHS) You know,
the old me would make a joke
about ejaculating.
But the new me,
the one who's mind and body
are in harmony,
will just answer the question.
No, I am not coming
In the van.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, God,
that already sounds
like an ejaculation joke.
No, no, no.
I'm not getting in the van
with you
because I'm flying!
I'll see you
back at the house.
Hey, I love you guys!
I wonder if Pigeon sees
that red-tail hawk
flying towards him?
(HAWK SCREECHES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
$825?
Then I think maybe this time
we just put him down.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
This is an awesome bird.
You're holding me
too tight, man.
-Female, huh?
-What?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
We're here.
-Hey, wake up.
-(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, man,
did you vomit in my car?
(GROANS) What?
DRIVER: Did you vomit
in my car, mother (BLEEP)?
PIGEON: I don't What?
DRIVER: Get the (BLEEP) out
of my car, mother (BLEEP)!
PIGEON: Okay, okay.
-Get out!
-Okay!
-Just give me
a (BLEEP) second.
-Get out!
-PIGEON: Give me
a (BLEEP) second!
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Oh, no.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
(GAGS)
-Hey, don't you
throw up again.
-(GRUNTS)
Oh, I'm not going to throw
I'm not going to, don't worry.
Oh, just let me
Ah, oh yeah!
-(PIGEON SIGHS)
-(BLEEP) damn it,
you (BLEEP) piece of (BLEEP)!
-Get out!
-Okay, okay, I'm out! Okay?
Okay.
-(KEYS JANGLING)
-PIGEON: Oh, son of a bitch!
Come on, man!
-(BLEEP)
-(DOOR UNLOCKING)
-(ALARM RINGING)
-Ah, (BLEEP) damn it!
(STRAINING)
Okay.
-Okay, what the hell
is his birthday anyways?
-(KEYPAD BEEPS)
(BUZZES)
-(ALARM BLARING)
-Mother (BLEEP).
Oh(SIGHS)
(THUDS)
(DOOR OPENS)
MIKE: Whoever broke
into my house,
you just made
the worst mistake
of your mother (BLEEP) life.
Who's in the house?
Dad, what's going on?
It's just Pigeon.
Yung, what the (BLEEP)
is my birthday?
June 30th!
No, in computer.
0-6-3-0.
(KEYPAD BEEPS)
-(ALARM TURNS OFF)
-MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS)
What is going on?
-No, it's okay.
It was just Pigeon.
-Oh.
Marquess, is everything okay?
Yes, Daniel,
everything's fine.
Everyone, you remember Daniel,
my, um
My friend.
(MARQUESS CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. Daniel, yeah,
you can go back to bed.
I mean, you know.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, you
To sleep on the couch,
the one that's in my room,
the one that you
fell asleep on,
you know,
when we were just, um
Playing, uh
Mmm, poker?
Yeah, we were
playing poker and, um.
Oh, it got late, and, um
He fell asleep on the couch
that's in my room.
Oh, my God!
What happened to him?
VETERINARIAN:
Okay, here's the deal.
We've cleaned the bird up,
we've noticed
a lot of lacerations,
one would require stitches
to close, but the, um
The larger issue
is the broken wing.
The radius was shattered
and the ulna
has two fractures in it.
Now, I can set the bone
and put what is essentially
a cast on the wing,
and there's a decent chance
at a full recovery.
But that is going to run you
about $650.
-So, most people just elect
to euthanize the animal.
-(GASPS)
Which I'm happy to do.
It's your choice.
You know, a family dog,
obviously, people would
say that's worth it,
but, I mean,
this is just a pigeon, so
All right, if you say so.
-Go ahead and put him down.
-Michael!
-That's free, right?
-Dad!
What? Everybody says
I spend money foolishly,
and this guy says it costs
650 bucks.
It's not worth it, unless
it's a dog or something, shit.
No, we'll pay.
Oh, okay.
Uh, let me go stop Kelly then.
VETERINARIAN: Kelly!
How are you feeling?
The doctor said you're going
to make a full recovery.
No, he said there's a chance.
What happened?
I don't want to
talk about this.
All right, we respect your
Okay, I'll tell you about it.
Here's what happened.
I answered an ad
on Craigslist.
"Casual encounters,"
"woman for man,"
subject,
"Large Labia Lovers Only."
Oh, my God.
Yeah, it got my attention too.
"Bring cash," it said.
Obviously, a whore.
But I love large labias
so, what was I supposed to do?
So, I got a room
at a shitty motel,
got real drunk.
I hear a knock at the door,
I open it.
And what do you know, huh?
A big guy,
thick Russian accent
standing there.
(IMITATES RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"Give me your money."
(NORMAL VOICE) Then he
stepped on me
with his dumb (BLEEP)
fake cowboy boots.
He beat the shit out of me.
He took my money.
Thankfully he didn't
see my cell phone
so, I could call a ride home.
Oh, hell, I've got to give
that driver no stars.
(CHUCKLES)
(IMITATES DRIVER)
"Don't throw up in my car."
(BLEEP) you!
But anyways,
(STAMMERS) I really don't
want to talk about it.
Okay, Pigeon. But whenever
you're ready to tell us
what happened to you
we'll be right here for you.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"I was gonna transfer
all of my old home movies
onto a DVD
"but the guy at the
computer store told me
"I should just
put them all on the cloud.
"I'm very confused.
"Also, I think I already
have the cloud,
"but I forgot my password,
I think.
"God Bless, Thomas Hollinger."
"God bless"?
Ooh, this sounds
like a good one.
To the Mystery Mobile!
You guys have fun.
What? Why are you not going?
I'm still recovering.
Mmm! Ah, yeah!
(GASPS) Pigeon!
It's been six months!
You're fully recovered,
and you need to stop
taking those pain pills.
(SIGHS) I'm in pain, asshole.
That's because you haven't
done anything the doctor said.
You're supposed to be
using your wing.
I use my wing plenty,
no thanks to any of you.
Well, except for Marquess.
Marquess was the only one
who would jack me off
with any regularity.
And I thank you, Marquess.
No! Ew! No! No!
I think Yung's point
was you need to be doing
some kind of physical therapy.
You know, Daniel is a healer.
Who the (BLEEP) is Daniel?
What? Daniel is my boy
Poker buddy. My poker buddy.
And he's very gifted
and has helped
a lot of people.
You should go see him.
Let me think about it No.
-(CHUCKLES)
-Do it, Pigeon.
Or come with us
and help solve the mystery
of the home video.
Criminy, that's the choice?
They ought to give
people when they
want to go to rehab,
you'd cure drug addiction
overnight in this country.
Mystery of the home videos
(BLEEPING)
(SIGHS) All right.
Give me your boy
I mean
your poker buddy's number.
Hey, Pigeon. Where you at?
You home?
Yeah, yeah, I'm home.
And not just physically,
I'm emotionally home.
Ha! Like, for the first time
in my life,
everything feels
(SIGHS) Congruous.
(CHUCKLES) Does that make
any sense?
Cool, cool. Okay.
I need you to go
over to the computer,
and see if you can
get this guy's home video
up on the cloud.
I'm going to send you a link
and you click on to the link.
Tell me when you're there.
We're at this guy's house
way up in the Ruby Mountains
and there's like
no reception,
so if we lose you,
just call back.
But I'll probably
won't be able to pick up
because there's no reception.
You there yet?
Yeah, I'm here.
-MIKE: You see the cloud?
-Uh, yes.
-You see all the videos
on the cloud?
-PIGEON: Yes.
MIKE: Okay, click on one
and make sure it's working.
I don't trust the cloud.
You know why? Because
I don't understand the cloud.
It's like everybody
made fun of Warren Buffett
because he didn't invest
in those damn
dot-com companies.
Everybody was making
all that money,
and he said it's because
he didn't understand
those dot-com companies.
And he didn't understand why
they were valued so high,
so he didn't invest.
But nobody was laughing
when the dot-com company
crash happened.
Nobody but Warren Buffett.
So, (BLEEP) that cloud.
Until I understand that cloud,
I'm going to stay off
that cloud.
Uh, Mike
It's like what happened
in the dot-com crash.
You ever heard
of Warren Buffett?
Let me tell you a story
about Warren Buffett.
Mike, you have got to
get out of that house.
MIKE: What did you say?
Get out of my blouse?
Take off my blouse?
(BLEEP), Pigeon,
it's not that kind
of phone call, man.
You're a sex addict.
Oh, for God's sakes,
get out of there!
Hello? Hello? Hello?
(DIALING)
(LING RINGING)
-MIKE: (OVER PHONE) Hello?
-Mike! Mike, can you hear me?
You have to get out
of that house!
-MIKE: Hello?
-Mike, the guy is a murderer!
MIKE: Got you!
Now leave a message
before I knock you out.
-(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
-(PIGEON SIGHS)
Ruby Mountain
Sheriff's Office.
-(TELEPHONE RINGS)
-Ruby Mountain
Sheriff's Office,
Deputy Bainbridge talking.
PIGEON: (OVER PHONE) Yeah.
Yeah, listen.
You got a guy named
Thomas Hollinger who
lives up in those mountains.
DEPUTY BAINBRIDGE: Oh, yeah.
He's that creepy fellow
that lives way up
at the tippy top
of the mountain.
Well, you've got to
get up there
because he's about to
murder a bunch of people.
Well if that's true,
and I'm not saying it's not,
it'd take us about six hours
to get up there.
PIGEON: Six hours?
Well, with all them
twisty-turny roads
Of course, it's only about
15 minutes as the crow flies.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(SIGHS)
Okay, (BLEEP) it.
Worse comes to worse,
I commit suicide.
(SCREAMING)
Oh!
Oh, my God! I'm flying!
I'm free!
(INDISTINCT TALKING
OVER RADIO)
(SIREN BLARING)
You saved our lives, Pigeon.
Now let's get the (BLEEP)
out of here.
Aren't you coming?
(LAUGHS) You know,
the old me would make a joke
about ejaculating.
But the new me,
the one who's mind and body
are in harmony,
will just answer the question.
No, I am not coming
In the van.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, God,
that already sounds
like an ejaculation joke.
No, no, no.
I'm not getting in the van
with you
because I'm flying!
I'll see you
back at the house.
Hey, I love you guys!
I wonder if Pigeon sees
that red-tail hawk
flying towards him?
(HAWK SCREECHES)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
$825?
Then I think maybe this time
we just put him down.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
This is an awesome bird.
You're holding me
too tight, man.
-Female, huh?
-What?