Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e20 Episode Script

1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MARQUESS: (SCOFFS) Hold still.
Everyone thinks
they want Asian hair
but it's just so straight
and heavy and coarse.
Wha And what can you do
with it? Beachy waves? I wish.
Don't get me wrong,
it's incredibly shiny
and silky.
Are you sure you don't just
wanna grow it out?
No. I like having a bob.
It's easy.
Hmm, suit yourself.
(SNIP) Ah, uh-oh.
-What?
-Nothing. (MUTTERS)
It's just a little uneven.
Just take a little more off
this is Mmm.
What?
Nothing, hmm.
Okay, hold on, just
Just stop, stop
tilting your chin.
I'm not tilting my chin.
Ah, oh, hold on. Whoops.
-Marquess.
-Just
Um, ah, there. Um, no.
There.
Hey team, got a new mystery.
What the (BLEEP)
happened to your hair?
What did you do?
It's not my fault.
It's that Asian hair.
It's like cutting rope.
Where's Pigeon?
I think he's still asleep.
It's 11:00 am.
That's depression or
it's luxurious.
After all, it's the weekend.
It's Tuesday.
Then that's definitely
depression or he's just tired.
Hey Pigeon, get down here.
We got a new mystery.
Pigeon.
-Pigeon, hey Pigeon.
-(STAMMERING) Michael.
-Just go upstairs.
-Pigeon?
Mother (BLEEP).
Get down here, now.
Stop shouting.
I don't wanna call you
no mo Don't make me call
you one more you, you
You flea-infested vomit.
Flying vomit.
Why did you tell me you knew
how to cut hair,
when you obviously don't know
how to cut hair?
Well, I'm sorry.
It's been a hot minute since
I've done it.
I think it's been,
I don't know, 150 years?
I used to cut
Sir Rodney Pumpbutter's hair
and then I'd always finish him
off with a blowie.
That's what we called
a blowout back then.
Get your minds--
You know what?
Never mind.
You looked like an
11 year-old boy before
and you still do.
So, as I used to tell
Rodney Pumpbutters
Stop riding my ass.
PIGEON: Can you damn
mother (BLEEP)
shut the (BLEEP) up, please?
I'm hungover as hell.
What?
Pigeon, you're not a pigeon.
Oh, my God.
It must've worn off.
Sandra's spell.
Must've worn off.
That's crazy. How do you feel?
I don't know.
I guess excited, judging
from this world
class erection.
I had got used to seeing that
little bird dick, this looks
like a loaf of bread.
(SHRIEKS) More like
a baguette.
I'd like to put that
in my bicycle basket
and ride home.
Right, Yung?
I shouldn't have said that,
that's not right.
I, I should go put on
some clothes.
No, don't!
(STAMMERS NERVOUSLY)
(SOFTLY) Do whatever, I mean,
I don't care.
What happened
to your (BLEEP) hair?
You got that moon-pie face.
You need more hair.
Not less.
So you're You're leaving?
Well, now that
I'm a man again,
it doesn't make any sense
to stay here.
Especially, since I was just
using you guys for food
and shelter.
Good luck
with those mysteries.
(LAUGHS)
What? So, now he's just gone?
Well this is very sudden, I
Good mornin' fella.
Good mornin, shithead.
What? What's going on?
That's the second complete
stranger that called me
a shithead today.
It's not even noon.
(BELL RINGS CLASSICAL TUNE)
Oh, he must've changed
his mind.
-Hey everybody.
-Oh.
It's just Deezy.
Damn, a brother can't catch
a break today.
What you want Deezy?
Come on, Mike.
We got a signing this morning.
We gotta be at
Dick's Sporting Goods
in 15 minutes.
No wait, Foot Locker.
No, wait, Sport Chalet.
That's where it is.
No, no, wait. It's Big 5.
(BLEEP) I don't remember
where it's at.
Maybe, none of those places.
I think I got it written down
somewhere in the car.
Okay, cool.
Let me get my sunglasses.
Hey, while we're gone,
you two can start interviewing
new potential candidates
to replace Pigeon.
What?
-Pigeon quit the team?
-Yeah, he left.
What? Okay, Okay. Hold on.
Damn, I think I lost
my sunglasses.
Marquess, give me yours.
These aren't sunglasses.
Yeah, these'll be good.
Okay team.
Let's solve some mysteries.
Where'd you get
that tracksuit?
Oh this? I made it.
I was selling them online
for 150 bucks a unit.
Until I got a cease and desist
in the mail.
-From who?
-From GUESS.
-Okay
-What?
Tommy Hilfiger?
No, GUESS, the clothing line.
I am dumbass.
-Armani?
-GUESS.
Oh, this is fun.
Diane Von Furstenberg.
-Mike.
-Calvin Klein.
-GUESS.
-Versace.
-GUESS.
-Mossimo for Target.
-GUESS.
-I am, mother (BLEEP).
-Sergio Valente.
-GUESS, God dammit.
The brand is GUESS.
The brand is Levi's
mother (BLEEP).
Oh my God. What
Oh, oh, oh. Michael Kors.
-(CRASH AND SCREAM)
-(TIRES SQUEALING)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(PANTING AND GASPING)
Oh no. Poor Pigeon.
What are you talking about?
This is Pigeon. He just don't
look like Pigeon right now.
And he also He's dead.
Damn.
So, I guess that means
I'm definitely on
the team, huh?
Can I live in his room?
-I currently embroiled
in a dispute with my landlord.
-(SCOFFS)
And uh, also rest
in peace, Pigeon?
I always loved you
and I didn't get a chance
to say so.
Okay, I'm gonna go
get my (BLEEP) out the car.
And bring it inside,
since that's where
I've been living.
You know, because of
that dispute.
MIKE: When I was younger, I
remember grandmother taking me
to the knitting store.
We would spend hours together
picking out the perfect yarn
from all the beautiful colors.
And then we would
sit in her parlor
together, knitting
all afternoon.
Sometimes she would
braid my hair.
And there would always be time
for cookies.
I will always miss those times
with Gram.
But I will always forever
cherish the memories.
Amen.
Michael, what was that?
It's a eulogy I got off
the internet
when I did a search
for typical eulogy speech.
I didn't have the time
or the inclination
to write my own.
And this one seemed perfect.
Dad, don't you think
it's weird that we had him
buried at a pet cemetery?
Well, I bought the plot
years ago when he was still
a bird.
I got plots for all of us.
Mine is in Arlington
National Cemetery.
Right next to the Tomb of the
Unknown Soldier.
Marquess, you're gonna be
buried in California right
next to Marilyn Monroe.
Because I know how much
you love her.
Oh my god. Thank you, Michael.
And Yung, your final
resting place will be in your
homeland of Korea.
I can't remember if it's North
or South Korea.
I didn't make
the arrangements.
Deezy did.
I thought you said,
North or South Carolina.
We got hers in South Carolina.
About 30 minutes
from Charleston,
if I'm not mistaken.
Oh, that's interesting.
Real interesting.
30 minutes away
from Charleston.
Marquess, go ahead.
Okay, ahem.
We pour this one out
for our homie, Pigeon.
(MARQUESS GASPS)
(YUNG SHRIEKS)
Oh my Oh, my god.
He's not even in anything.
It's a pet cemetery.
They only had little coffins.
Come on, let's get outta here.
Pigeon would've wanted us
to get on with our lives.
(CROW CAWING)
Damn, where the hell
is the light switch?
Oh, well, well, well.
Pigeon?
I thought you were dead.
Shut the door and keep
your voice down.
What are you doing in here?
In my room?
Shouldn't I ask you that?
How you still alive?
And who's that man we buried?
Listen close.
Because I'm only gonna
say this once.
In 1979 I stole $400 million
from the Albanian mafia.
I got away with it clean.
Until 1989, I bragged about it
to a Lithuanian whore.
Who, you guessed it,
was actually
an Albanian whore.
I blame the cocaine.
Well, I'll tell ya.
The one mafia you don't wanna
run afoul of is the
Albanian mafia.
You know they made a guy
eat himself
in his own home.
In front of his wife and kids.
Hacked off pieces of him,
sewed him back up,
served him the pieces.
Took six months, they say.
That was in Malta, they say.
But I know it was Riga.
Latvia, beautiful place,
right there on the water.
They made the wife eat
the guy and it was done
in a week.
And that was a fact.
So, I knew I had to disappear.
Forever.
And there was this division of
the Pakistani royal guard.
Headed by a guy, Dr. Khan,
who supposedly was attempting
to surgically turn people
into animals.
They're obsessed by the scheme
of having a rabbit blow up
the Israeli Knesset.
Anyhoo, for a $100 million
he turned me into a pigeon.
And I've lived that way
ever since.
Till about a month ago.
We were in Newport beach,
we'd just solved one of these
dumb mysteries.
And I did a bunch of cocaine,
(BLEEP) some rich housewife
and bragged about stealing
the 400 million
from the Albanian mafia.
Well, turns out that housewife
was married to a lawyer
for the Albanian mafia.
So, I knew it wouldn't be long
before they came for me here.
So, to end it once
and for all,
I decided to let them kill me.
Or at least think they did.
I met a guy. A failed actor,
who'd recently been diagnosed
with a terminal ailment
of some kind, and wanted
to end his life.
We did a bunch of cocaine
and he agreed to have
facial and vocal
reconstructive surgery to
look and sound like me.
Once I knew the Albanian mafia
was watching the house,
I sent him out in the street
to be run over by another guy.
Who I had also met
and done cocaine with
that same night.
Who said he needed to
kill somebody to join a gang.
Do Mike and the team know?
What they don't know
will keep them alive.
Not for very long.
You see my name is
Amir Bakshimi.
You've heard this name, yes?
You took my money.
And now I'm here to take
your life.
Ah, how?
I also paid $100 million
to have surgery to make me
look and sound like
someone else.
I'm gonna start by cutting
off your wings.
I wonder if Pigeon wings
taste as good
as chicken wings.
You'll have to tell me.
Ah!
Oh (BLEEP).
Good thing I had my pistol.
I keep it with me and loaded.
You know
my landlord situation.
What?
What the (BLEEP) is going on?
Congratulations, Deezy.
You passed the test.
You are now an official member
of the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
What was the test?
Killing someone.
We all had to kill someone
to join the team.
You're one of us now.
Wait a second.
So, this whole thing was like,
an elaborate plan?
(STAMMERS) I didn't wanna
kill someone.
Too late.
You're in.
You got what you wanted.
Am I going to jail?
No. We operate above the law.
We're a special secret
government strike team.
Also known as the Mike Tyson
Special Secret Government
Strike Team.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)