Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e19 Episode Script
Real Bitches of Newport Beach
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
JILLIAN: Helena! Have you
brought in the mail yet?
Not yet, senora.
Then do it, I'm busy.
JILLIAN: You can't have
Newport Beach
without a Newport bitch.
TIFFANY: Guess who I saw
out at dinner last night?
Oh, my God, who?
Amanda, and let's just say
she's not anorexic anymore.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Every beach town
needs a bitch in a gown.
And that bitch is me.
Amanda better watch out
or Travis is gonna leave
her fat ass for the nanny.
(BOTH LAUGH)
And will you check on the baby
and see if she needs changing
and if she does need changing,
change her.
Ooh, I got my invite!
Kristi Hildebrand
and her husband Kevin
host the Tux and Tiara
Charity Ball every year
for muscular dystrophy
and it is the event
in Newport Beach
and if you aren't on that
invite list you may as well
just move to Anaheim.
I got mine yesterday.
In fact, I'm on my way
to Kent Ellatrashe
right now for a dress fitting.
JILLIAN: Oh, I'm seeing him
on Thursday.
I'm thinking something
real low-cut to show off
my new C-cups.
Thank you, Dr. Slater.
-(TIFFANY LAUGHS)
-(PHONE VIBRATING)
Oh, Tiff,
let me call you later,
that's Kimber calling.
KIMBER: Just like the beach,
I like to make waves.
Oh, and also,
I'm a bitch.
I didn't get invited.
JILLIAN:
What are you talking about?
KIMBER: People got
their invitations
either today or yesterday.
Believe me,
I talked to everyone.
I've known Kristi and Kevin
for 11 years
and I've never not been
invited to the Tux and Tiara
Charity Ball
for Muscular Sclerosis.
I mean,
I can't figure out why.
It's a mystery.
Hey, team,
we got a new mystery.
I'm known for three things.
Boxing, mystery solving,
and being a bitch.
It just makes no sense.
Kristi is
a good friend of mine.
Her and I take yoga together,
her and I's kids
go to the same school.
Have, uh, her and you
thought of taking
a basic English class?
-(BABY CRYING)
-I'm sorry, miss.
He wanting you.
He want his mother.
Chance say,
"I want my mommy."
I can't hold you, Chance.
Dr. Slater said I can't lift
anything for another month.
Mommy's new boobies
need time to heal.
Graciela, just get
him out of here!
Yes, missus.
It's okay, Chance, baby.
-Your mama is working
right now.
-(BABY CRYING)
(SCOFFS)
Well, that's heartbreaking.
Um, so, Kimber,
have you and Kristi
ever had a disagreement,
or a misunderstanding?
(SCOFFS) Of course,
all friends do, I mean
Three years ago,
she accused my husband Tanner
of groping her at Jillian's
Cinco de Mayo party,
but we still got invited
to the ball that year.
And then a little after that,
Kevin fondled me at Tiffany's
Fabulous 40 party
and I told Kristi about it
and we hashed it out.
You know, boys will be boys.
Then we got invited
that year too.
Then about six months ago,
Tanner got really drunk
and called Kevin and Kristi's
daughter a slut, but we've
had dinner since then.
So I know it's not that.
And even that night, Kevin
groped Tanner and fondled me
and then we all
sat next to each other
at church on Sunday, so
Hey, babe,
I gotta go back to work.
Tanner, this is Mike Tyson
and his mystery team.
They're gonna figure out
why we weren't invited.
Sweet!
Nice to meet you, champ.
I saw you fight Andrew Golota
at the Palace in Auburn Hills.
I was wasted.
I don't even remember who won.
-I did.
-I'll tell you what
I do remember.
I titty (BEEP)
a flight attendant that night.
All right, baby,
I'll be home for dinner.
Well, he was nice.
It's fun to think
about Chance's future
and all the places he'll go.
Rehab, institutions,
prison, then he'll find Jesus,
then rehab again.
Oh, my God!
I hope you can solve this.
We have to go to this ball.
It's not just 'cause
I wanna show off
my perfect new tits.
It's for a good cause.
Multiple dystrophy.
Wait, multiple sclerosis
or muscular dystrophy?
Wait, what?
You combined them.
You, you said,
"multiple dystrophy"
and it's muscular
I don't (BEEP) know or care.
I just wanna go to a ball
and show off my tits.
Where are we going?
To Kristi and Kevin's.
We're not gonna get
anything out of talking
to Jillian or Tiffany.
And I don't think Amanda
and Travis
will tell us anything
that we can't get from Tanner.
No, the answer lies
with Kristi or Kevin.
Or does the answer lie
with the local clothing
designer, Kent Ellatrashe?
And we can't
rule out renowned
plastic surgeon Dr. Slater.
How the (BEEP)
do you remember
all these assholes' names?
What can I say?
I'm good with names, bird.
Little city bird.
And how's that ghost
doing back there?
You haven't talked
much, ghost.
Chinese girl got your tongue?
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Can I help you?
Yeah, we're here to see
Kristi or Kevin,
or just Kristi
or just Kevin.
KRISTI: Marta, who is it?
Oh, hi, I'm Kristi.
There's no I in team,
but there's an I in Kristi.
There's also an I in bitch.
And it's the same I.
I'm a bitch.
Hi, I'm former heavyweight
champion of the world,
Mike Tyson.
And you're
on Mike Tyson Mysteries.
What?
Can we ask you
a few questions, ma'am?
Yeah, sure.
Come on in.
PIGEON: Nice tits!
Dr. Slater?
Wait, what?
Kimber said
I didn't invite her?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, but I did invite her.
Her and I are
super good friends.
Does she think
I'm upset about Tanner
fondling my mother
at Megan's Sweet 16 party?
(LAUGHS) I mean, I
I wasn't upset at all.
This is Newport Beach.
These things happen.
Wow, so this is all just
a big misunderstanding.
This is very surprising given
how sophisticated you all are.
Okay, please tell Kimber
that of course her
and Tanner are invited.
Her and Jesus Christ!
And of course,
you're all invited.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God.
I love a ball.
Oh, hey, Kristi, girl-to-girl,
do you think you can get me
in to see Kent Ellatrashe?
I Only because
I don't wanna just grab
something off the rack.
I have the type of body
that really needs tailoring.
No, wait, you know what?
Don't worry about it,
I'm just so excited to go
to a ball. I love balls.
I just love balls.
(PIGEON CHUCKLES)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, man,
are you wearing a dress?
What? No!
It is a jumpsuit.
Kent Ellatrashe swears they're
gonna be huge this season.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-(GASPS)
Evening, everyone.
Ladies.
Who was that?
Dr. Slater.
Hey, don't get any ideas,
bitch.
He's the most
eligible bachelor in Newport.
And he's gonna be mine.
Not if I have
anything to do with it, bitch.
Bitch!
Is everyone
having a good time?
I'm having a ball
at the ball, get it?
Where are Kimber and Tanner?
I mean, after all
that bullshit they don't have
the decency to show up?
What a bunch of bitches.
Oh, I forgot to tell them.
Are you (BEEP) kidding me?
(PHONE DIALING)
Hey, Kimber, it's Mike Tyson.
You were invited to the ball.
It's going on now.
She's on her way.
(GASPS)
(ALL GASPING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Is that
Is that Kimber's maid?
Graciela?
She's beautiful.
They're already perfect.
And so are you.
Can I have this dance?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't want them too big,
I just, I just want my lips
to look fuller, you know,
more of a natural pout.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
I'm sorry,
I have to take this.
I'm on call tonight.
Darling, I'll be right back.
KIMBER: Graciela.
What the F
are you doing here?
Oh, please forgive me,
missus.
I took your invitation
to the ball and keep it
for myself.
I just wanted to be
one time the princess
and not just clean up
for the princess.
Oof. Buenos tatas, Graciela.
You want my hot tamale?
Ugh, Tanner!
Kimber, Tanner,
I see you've
met my girlfriend.
Your what?
Dr. Slater, this woman
is a maid.
(ALL GASP)
I may be a maid,
but I am also
the bitch.
Wait a second,
if Graciela is not at home
and we're here,
who's with Chance?
He's fine, I left
his bedroom window open.
He's getting plenty of air.
Let's go
in there and get loaded.
(PANTING)
(GROWLS)
Mama!
(WOLVES HOWLING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
JILLIAN: Helena! Have you
brought in the mail yet?
Not yet, senora.
Then do it, I'm busy.
JILLIAN: You can't have
Newport Beach
without a Newport bitch.
TIFFANY: Guess who I saw
out at dinner last night?
Oh, my God, who?
Amanda, and let's just say
she's not anorexic anymore.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Every beach town
needs a bitch in a gown.
And that bitch is me.
Amanda better watch out
or Travis is gonna leave
her fat ass for the nanny.
(BOTH LAUGH)
And will you check on the baby
and see if she needs changing
and if she does need changing,
change her.
Ooh, I got my invite!
Kristi Hildebrand
and her husband Kevin
host the Tux and Tiara
Charity Ball every year
for muscular dystrophy
and it is the event
in Newport Beach
and if you aren't on that
invite list you may as well
just move to Anaheim.
I got mine yesterday.
In fact, I'm on my way
to Kent Ellatrashe
right now for a dress fitting.
JILLIAN: Oh, I'm seeing him
on Thursday.
I'm thinking something
real low-cut to show off
my new C-cups.
Thank you, Dr. Slater.
-(TIFFANY LAUGHS)
-(PHONE VIBRATING)
Oh, Tiff,
let me call you later,
that's Kimber calling.
KIMBER: Just like the beach,
I like to make waves.
Oh, and also,
I'm a bitch.
I didn't get invited.
JILLIAN:
What are you talking about?
KIMBER: People got
their invitations
either today or yesterday.
Believe me,
I talked to everyone.
I've known Kristi and Kevin
for 11 years
and I've never not been
invited to the Tux and Tiara
Charity Ball
for Muscular Sclerosis.
I mean,
I can't figure out why.
It's a mystery.
Hey, team,
we got a new mystery.
I'm known for three things.
Boxing, mystery solving,
and being a bitch.
It just makes no sense.
Kristi is
a good friend of mine.
Her and I take yoga together,
her and I's kids
go to the same school.
Have, uh, her and you
thought of taking
a basic English class?
-(BABY CRYING)
-I'm sorry, miss.
He wanting you.
He want his mother.
Chance say,
"I want my mommy."
I can't hold you, Chance.
Dr. Slater said I can't lift
anything for another month.
Mommy's new boobies
need time to heal.
Graciela, just get
him out of here!
Yes, missus.
It's okay, Chance, baby.
-Your mama is working
right now.
-(BABY CRYING)
(SCOFFS)
Well, that's heartbreaking.
Um, so, Kimber,
have you and Kristi
ever had a disagreement,
or a misunderstanding?
(SCOFFS) Of course,
all friends do, I mean
Three years ago,
she accused my husband Tanner
of groping her at Jillian's
Cinco de Mayo party,
but we still got invited
to the ball that year.
And then a little after that,
Kevin fondled me at Tiffany's
Fabulous 40 party
and I told Kristi about it
and we hashed it out.
You know, boys will be boys.
Then we got invited
that year too.
Then about six months ago,
Tanner got really drunk
and called Kevin and Kristi's
daughter a slut, but we've
had dinner since then.
So I know it's not that.
And even that night, Kevin
groped Tanner and fondled me
and then we all
sat next to each other
at church on Sunday, so
Hey, babe,
I gotta go back to work.
Tanner, this is Mike Tyson
and his mystery team.
They're gonna figure out
why we weren't invited.
Sweet!
Nice to meet you, champ.
I saw you fight Andrew Golota
at the Palace in Auburn Hills.
I was wasted.
I don't even remember who won.
-I did.
-I'll tell you what
I do remember.
I titty (BEEP)
a flight attendant that night.
All right, baby,
I'll be home for dinner.
Well, he was nice.
It's fun to think
about Chance's future
and all the places he'll go.
Rehab, institutions,
prison, then he'll find Jesus,
then rehab again.
Oh, my God!
I hope you can solve this.
We have to go to this ball.
It's not just 'cause
I wanna show off
my perfect new tits.
It's for a good cause.
Multiple dystrophy.
Wait, multiple sclerosis
or muscular dystrophy?
Wait, what?
You combined them.
You, you said,
"multiple dystrophy"
and it's muscular
I don't (BEEP) know or care.
I just wanna go to a ball
and show off my tits.
Where are we going?
To Kristi and Kevin's.
We're not gonna get
anything out of talking
to Jillian or Tiffany.
And I don't think Amanda
and Travis
will tell us anything
that we can't get from Tanner.
No, the answer lies
with Kristi or Kevin.
Or does the answer lie
with the local clothing
designer, Kent Ellatrashe?
And we can't
rule out renowned
plastic surgeon Dr. Slater.
How the (BEEP)
do you remember
all these assholes' names?
What can I say?
I'm good with names, bird.
Little city bird.
And how's that ghost
doing back there?
You haven't talked
much, ghost.
Chinese girl got your tongue?
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Can I help you?
Yeah, we're here to see
Kristi or Kevin,
or just Kristi
or just Kevin.
KRISTI: Marta, who is it?
Oh, hi, I'm Kristi.
There's no I in team,
but there's an I in Kristi.
There's also an I in bitch.
And it's the same I.
I'm a bitch.
Hi, I'm former heavyweight
champion of the world,
Mike Tyson.
And you're
on Mike Tyson Mysteries.
What?
Can we ask you
a few questions, ma'am?
Yeah, sure.
Come on in.
PIGEON: Nice tits!
Dr. Slater?
Wait, what?
Kimber said
I didn't invite her?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, but I did invite her.
Her and I are
super good friends.
Does she think
I'm upset about Tanner
fondling my mother
at Megan's Sweet 16 party?
(LAUGHS) I mean, I
I wasn't upset at all.
This is Newport Beach.
These things happen.
Wow, so this is all just
a big misunderstanding.
This is very surprising given
how sophisticated you all are.
Okay, please tell Kimber
that of course her
and Tanner are invited.
Her and Jesus Christ!
And of course,
you're all invited.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God.
I love a ball.
Oh, hey, Kristi, girl-to-girl,
do you think you can get me
in to see Kent Ellatrashe?
I Only because
I don't wanna just grab
something off the rack.
I have the type of body
that really needs tailoring.
No, wait, you know what?
Don't worry about it,
I'm just so excited to go
to a ball. I love balls.
I just love balls.
(PIGEON CHUCKLES)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, man,
are you wearing a dress?
What? No!
It is a jumpsuit.
Kent Ellatrashe swears they're
gonna be huge this season.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-(GASPS)
Evening, everyone.
Ladies.
Who was that?
Dr. Slater.
Hey, don't get any ideas,
bitch.
He's the most
eligible bachelor in Newport.
And he's gonna be mine.
Not if I have
anything to do with it, bitch.
Bitch!
Is everyone
having a good time?
I'm having a ball
at the ball, get it?
Where are Kimber and Tanner?
I mean, after all
that bullshit they don't have
the decency to show up?
What a bunch of bitches.
Oh, I forgot to tell them.
Are you (BEEP) kidding me?
(PHONE DIALING)
Hey, Kimber, it's Mike Tyson.
You were invited to the ball.
It's going on now.
She's on her way.
(GASPS)
(ALL GASPING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Is that
Is that Kimber's maid?
Graciela?
She's beautiful.
They're already perfect.
And so are you.
Can I have this dance?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't want them too big,
I just, I just want my lips
to look fuller, you know,
more of a natural pout.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
I'm sorry,
I have to take this.
I'm on call tonight.
Darling, I'll be right back.
KIMBER: Graciela.
What the F
are you doing here?
Oh, please forgive me,
missus.
I took your invitation
to the ball and keep it
for myself.
I just wanted to be
one time the princess
and not just clean up
for the princess.
Oof. Buenos tatas, Graciela.
You want my hot tamale?
Ugh, Tanner!
Kimber, Tanner,
I see you've
met my girlfriend.
Your what?
Dr. Slater, this woman
is a maid.
(ALL GASP)
I may be a maid,
but I am also
the bitch.
Wait a second,
if Graciela is not at home
and we're here,
who's with Chance?
He's fine, I left
his bedroom window open.
He's getting plenty of air.
Let's go
in there and get loaded.
(PANTING)
(GROWLS)
Mama!
(WOLVES HOWLING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)