Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e18 Episode Script
The Gift
1
Can I help you?
Ah? Oh, yeah, hey, yeah.
Sure, maybe.
Uh, I think I'm late
for a meeting?
Uh, with who?
Uh, I don't know.
I think it was supposed
to start at 10:00.
Well, what's your name, sir?
Richard.
It's not gonna be on there.
Look, I'm with the, uh,
Mike Tyson Mystery Squad.
Or Mystery
Mystery Group. Something.
I don't know what it's called.
What? I don't know why
you're looking at me
like that. It's Mike Tyson,
one of the world's
most famous people.
He's got a tattoo on his face.
Any of this
ringing a bell, doll?
The Mike Tyson Mystery
is meeting with
Jonathan Bowman,
and his office
is just down that way.
Mystery Team, you're right.
Thank you.
Good morning.
So, what are some of
the other properties
going for?
(SCOFFS)
Nice of you to join us.
-Where were you?
-None of your (BLEEP)
business, that's where I was.
Okay, well, let me look
at the numbers and I'll get
back to you. Take care.
Okay. Sorry about that.
I was saying,
my wife is turning 42
and I don't know
what to get her.
I'd really like it to be
something special,
because I work nonstop
and she's at home all day
with our four kids.
Four kids, huh?
Hey, I know what you
can get her!
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
-Pigeon!
-What?
I'm hearing great things
about it these days.
They do it with a laser,
it's outpatient.
-You're back on your back
in no time.
-Anyway, thank you.
Okay. So, what does she like?
I always just get her
a gift card.
Ugh.
Marquess does not like
these gift cards.
He finds them very impersonal.
I learned that the hard way.
Well, it's like you
just gave up. You just
gave up on friendship.
When's her birthday?
-Tomorrow.
-MARQUESS: Tomorrow?
I know.
I'm horrible with this stuff.
Do you think you can help me?
Well, it's not technically
a mystery. But, we'll do it.
-For $800.
-(EXCLAIMS)
Uh, wow. Uh, okay?
Who do I make it out to?
The Mike Tyson Mystery Gang.
Wait. No.
Um, the Mike Tyson
Mystery Bunch.
No, no, no, wait.
What do we call ourselves?
$800?
What? We never charge
for these things.
Man, Deezy always says
we're leaving money
on the table.
Man, I mean These people,
man, we're dealing with.
Desperate, man.
I bet I could've got $1000
out of that guy.
(STAMMERING)
Turn right up here.
Where are we going, Marquess?
Don't judge a book.
It's a little hidden gem
of an antique store.
My friend, Maxine,
is the owner.
Trust me, she'll have
the perfect gift.
You're gonna love this place.
Hello! (LAUGHS)
(GASPS) Oh, oh!
(MARQUESS AND MAXINE
LAUGHING)
Is that who I think it is?
-Yes!
-(MAXINE SHRIEKING)
My God!
Marquess, I was just
thinking about you.
Because I just got back from
a buying trip to Sedona,
and while I was there,
-I found these salad tongs.
-MARQUESS: Mmm.
And, you will die.
I mean, have you ever?
(GASPS) They're so fun!
They're exactly what you want
when you're having friends
over, summer night,
out on the patio,
just light stuff,
maybe ceviche,
and just a perfect
summer salad. (GASPS)
I have to have them.
(GASPS) No, what am I doing?
What am I doing!
(CHUCKLES) No, we're not
here for me. Shame! Maxi,
we are on a mission to find
a birthday present
for a 42-year-old woman.
(GASPS) How fun.
Okay, so what could we do?
Hmm. Let's see, let's see,
let's see, let's see, let's
Okay, we could do jewelry.
I have a sublime cameo
necklace. Oh, God.
But, maybe that's
too something.
Okay. Does she, uh,
does she drink tea?
I have a darling
silver spoon set that needs
just the right home.
And that home is my home.
(CACKLES)
What about an antique photo?
(MAXINE AND MARQUESS
EXCLAIMING)
Ooh.
(DOOR CHIMES)
-Now where were you?
-Making a call.
-Well, who were you calling?
-Jesus Christ, you're a nosy
(BLEEP) bitch.
What the hell are we all
doing in this dump, anyway?
(GASPS)
I'm sorry, Maxi, we have
to go. Let's go.
You know, let me just get
those salad tongs.
Oh! And that little spoon set.
Ah, and I should at least
try on the cameo necklace.
Mmm.
-(GRUNTING)
-What happened back there,
Marquess?
What was it about
that photograph?
Who were those men?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I never want to think about,
or see that photo again.
Marquess, I got
a surprise for you!
Ta-da!
(GASPS)
You seemed to respond
to this photo, but then
gasped when you saw the price.
-(MARQUESS EXCLAIMS)
-But you're a dear friend,
and we just got this $800,
so, when I said I was going
back in the shop
to use the bathroom,
what I was really doing
was buying this photo.
But, I also did take a shit
in Maxine's bathroom.
Marquess, who are
those people?
(SIGHS) Well, the man
on the right is the poet
Oscar Wilde,
and the other is Is my son.
-(SPLUTTERS)
-(YELPS)
What? Did you just
You say, your son?
Yes! My son, Alfred.
My wife called him Bosie.
(PIGEON SPLUTTERS)
I'm sorry, did you say
your wife?
Stop spitting on me, Pigeon!
Well, stop saying shocking
things while I'm drinking.
"In February of 1895, Marquess
of Queensbury" That's you.
"Discovered the homosexual
affair between Oscar Wilde
"and his son,
Alfred 'Bosie' Douglas.
"After a drawn-out
legal battle,
Queensbury prevailed
"and Oscar Wilde served
two years hard labor."
So, you had Oscar Wilde
sent to jail for being
your son's boyfriend?
Damn, Marquess,
you're an asshole.
(STAMMERING)
It was a different time.
People weren't as accepting
back then.
-What happened to your son?
-I don't know.
We never spoke after that.
It It haunted me until
the day I died.
MIKE: Of syphilis.
-(PIGEON SPLUTTERING)
-(GRUMBLING)
It's true, it's on here.
"He expired after a lengthy
battle with dementia,
likely caused by syphilis."
(MARQUESS GROANS)
(MURMURING)
Bosie.
(WHIMPERS)
This better be (BLEEP)
important, Marquess.
It is very (BLEEP) important.
God damn, Marquess,
don't swear in front of
my daughter.
All right, listen.
After a lot of thought,
I've decided to use
-my go-back.
-Oh. What's a go-back?
All ghosts are allowed
one go-back,
where they can go back in time
and right a wrong.
But, you only get one.
So, I was saving mine,
you know, for something big,
like, um, you know,
go back in time
and kill Hitler.
You know, before he
really got going.
You would not have the balls
to kill Hitler.
(EXCLAIMS) Hitler?
Yes. Yes, I would.
Ah, really?
How would you do it?
With a gun! Or Something.
You don't know how
to shoot a (BLEEP) gun.
Well, then! Ah! I'll hit him.
With a shovel.
Where would you get a shovel
and be near Hitler?
Pigeon! It doesn't matter.
Because that's not
gonna happen,
because I'm not gonna use
my go-back for it.
I'm gonna use my go-back
and make amends with my son,
Bosie.
Why don't you
go back a little further
and not name him Bosie?
Are you done? Are you
seriously, seriously done?
Now, here's the fun thing
about a go-back.
Although you only get one,
you can take as many people
as you want with you.
Living, dead, it doesn't
matter. Now.
Oh, wait. Now that I think
about it, I think you can
only take five.
I think five is the max.
But, ah! There's only three
of you, so we're good. So.
Here's what you do.
We all stand in a circle.
And then I say,
"Go back, go back,
let's go back."
And then you say,
"Okay, okay, okay, okay."
Oh, my God.
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
That's his house.
You got this, Marquess.
Don't worry about us. We'll be
here, just blending in.
Tip, tip, cheerio.
Top o' the morning
to ya, governor.
Oh, Bosie.
What are you
doing here, Father?
Oh, yes. Well, I want
to apologize to you.
For everything.
I'm sorry. And, I love you.
And, I'm sorry.
Oh, and I love that scarf.
Is that J. Crew?
-What?
-What? Nothing.
The important thing is,
I'm sorry.
Well. That means
the world to me.
(SOBBING) Oh. Oh!
Oh, Father.
-OSCAR: Bosie, darling?
Who's there?
-Hmm?
(GASPS) Oh. Oscar.
Uh, you're looking well.
You've lost some weight.
Doing hard labor in prison,
thanks to you.
Ah. (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)
Oh, Deezy, I can't,
I'm in London right now.
Why don't you get your sister
to pick you up?
Then get a taxi! Damn, Deezy,
you can't wait until you land
-to figure out
your (BLEEP) ride?
-(PHONE BEEPS)
I did it! (LAUGHS)
He was very happy.
I even apologized
to Oscar Wilde!
So, conscience clean.
Successful go-back.
Ah, forgive me, but we're
visiting from Germany
and my husband is in there.
Will you watch my baby
while I go get him?
-Yeah, no problem.
-Ah, thank you.
What is your name?
-Mike Tyson.
-I am Klara Hitler,
-and this is my baby, Adolf.
-(GASPS)
Oy, you lot! Mind this shovel
while I go in there
and have a piss.
(GRUMBLES)
(BABY ADOLF COOING)
No, I don't Uh
(GROANS)
MARQUESS: Present day,
present day, what do you say,
present day!
PIGEON AND YUNG:
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Whoo! Wasn't that fun?
Well, that was classic.
Marquess had a chance
to kill Hitler
-and didn't have the balls.
-(STAMMERING)
I had the balls.
Kill baby Hitler
and save six million Jews?
No-brainer.
I bet that was
a shocking visual
for all those people
on that street, huh?
Oh, no! We never got that guy
a birthday present
for his wife!
Oh, you know what? Let's just
get him a (BLEEP) gift card.
Shalom aleichem.
-Shalom!
-Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom aleichem!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Can I help you?
Ah? Oh, yeah, hey, yeah.
Sure, maybe.
Uh, I think I'm late
for a meeting?
Uh, with who?
Uh, I don't know.
I think it was supposed
to start at 10:00.
Well, what's your name, sir?
Richard.
It's not gonna be on there.
Look, I'm with the, uh,
Mike Tyson Mystery Squad.
Or Mystery
Mystery Group. Something.
I don't know what it's called.
What? I don't know why
you're looking at me
like that. It's Mike Tyson,
one of the world's
most famous people.
He's got a tattoo on his face.
Any of this
ringing a bell, doll?
The Mike Tyson Mystery
is meeting with
Jonathan Bowman,
and his office
is just down that way.
Mystery Team, you're right.
Thank you.
Good morning.
So, what are some of
the other properties
going for?
(SCOFFS)
Nice of you to join us.
-Where were you?
-None of your (BLEEP)
business, that's where I was.
Okay, well, let me look
at the numbers and I'll get
back to you. Take care.
Okay. Sorry about that.
I was saying,
my wife is turning 42
and I don't know
what to get her.
I'd really like it to be
something special,
because I work nonstop
and she's at home all day
with our four kids.
Four kids, huh?
Hey, I know what you
can get her!
Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
-Pigeon!
-What?
I'm hearing great things
about it these days.
They do it with a laser,
it's outpatient.
-You're back on your back
in no time.
-Anyway, thank you.
Okay. So, what does she like?
I always just get her
a gift card.
Ugh.
Marquess does not like
these gift cards.
He finds them very impersonal.
I learned that the hard way.
Well, it's like you
just gave up. You just
gave up on friendship.
When's her birthday?
-Tomorrow.
-MARQUESS: Tomorrow?
I know.
I'm horrible with this stuff.
Do you think you can help me?
Well, it's not technically
a mystery. But, we'll do it.
-For $800.
-(EXCLAIMS)
Uh, wow. Uh, okay?
Who do I make it out to?
The Mike Tyson Mystery Gang.
Wait. No.
Um, the Mike Tyson
Mystery Bunch.
No, no, no, wait.
What do we call ourselves?
$800?
What? We never charge
for these things.
Man, Deezy always says
we're leaving money
on the table.
Man, I mean These people,
man, we're dealing with.
Desperate, man.
I bet I could've got $1000
out of that guy.
(STAMMERING)
Turn right up here.
Where are we going, Marquess?
Don't judge a book.
It's a little hidden gem
of an antique store.
My friend, Maxine,
is the owner.
Trust me, she'll have
the perfect gift.
You're gonna love this place.
Hello! (LAUGHS)
(GASPS) Oh, oh!
(MARQUESS AND MAXINE
LAUGHING)
Is that who I think it is?
-Yes!
-(MAXINE SHRIEKING)
My God!
Marquess, I was just
thinking about you.
Because I just got back from
a buying trip to Sedona,
and while I was there,
-I found these salad tongs.
-MARQUESS: Mmm.
And, you will die.
I mean, have you ever?
(GASPS) They're so fun!
They're exactly what you want
when you're having friends
over, summer night,
out on the patio,
just light stuff,
maybe ceviche,
and just a perfect
summer salad. (GASPS)
I have to have them.
(GASPS) No, what am I doing?
What am I doing!
(CHUCKLES) No, we're not
here for me. Shame! Maxi,
we are on a mission to find
a birthday present
for a 42-year-old woman.
(GASPS) How fun.
Okay, so what could we do?
Hmm. Let's see, let's see,
let's see, let's see, let's
Okay, we could do jewelry.
I have a sublime cameo
necklace. Oh, God.
But, maybe that's
too something.
Okay. Does she, uh,
does she drink tea?
I have a darling
silver spoon set that needs
just the right home.
And that home is my home.
(CACKLES)
What about an antique photo?
(MAXINE AND MARQUESS
EXCLAIMING)
Ooh.
(DOOR CHIMES)
-Now where were you?
-Making a call.
-Well, who were you calling?
-Jesus Christ, you're a nosy
(BLEEP) bitch.
What the hell are we all
doing in this dump, anyway?
(GASPS)
I'm sorry, Maxi, we have
to go. Let's go.
You know, let me just get
those salad tongs.
Oh! And that little spoon set.
Ah, and I should at least
try on the cameo necklace.
Mmm.
-(GRUNTING)
-What happened back there,
Marquess?
What was it about
that photograph?
Who were those men?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I never want to think about,
or see that photo again.
Marquess, I got
a surprise for you!
Ta-da!
(GASPS)
You seemed to respond
to this photo, but then
gasped when you saw the price.
-(MARQUESS EXCLAIMS)
-But you're a dear friend,
and we just got this $800,
so, when I said I was going
back in the shop
to use the bathroom,
what I was really doing
was buying this photo.
But, I also did take a shit
in Maxine's bathroom.
Marquess, who are
those people?
(SIGHS) Well, the man
on the right is the poet
Oscar Wilde,
and the other is Is my son.
-(SPLUTTERS)
-(YELPS)
What? Did you just
You say, your son?
Yes! My son, Alfred.
My wife called him Bosie.
(PIGEON SPLUTTERS)
I'm sorry, did you say
your wife?
Stop spitting on me, Pigeon!
Well, stop saying shocking
things while I'm drinking.
"In February of 1895, Marquess
of Queensbury" That's you.
"Discovered the homosexual
affair between Oscar Wilde
"and his son,
Alfred 'Bosie' Douglas.
"After a drawn-out
legal battle,
Queensbury prevailed
"and Oscar Wilde served
two years hard labor."
So, you had Oscar Wilde
sent to jail for being
your son's boyfriend?
Damn, Marquess,
you're an asshole.
(STAMMERING)
It was a different time.
People weren't as accepting
back then.
-What happened to your son?
-I don't know.
We never spoke after that.
It It haunted me until
the day I died.
MIKE: Of syphilis.
-(PIGEON SPLUTTERING)
-(GRUMBLING)
It's true, it's on here.
"He expired after a lengthy
battle with dementia,
likely caused by syphilis."
(MARQUESS GROANS)
(MURMURING)
Bosie.
(WHIMPERS)
This better be (BLEEP)
important, Marquess.
It is very (BLEEP) important.
God damn, Marquess,
don't swear in front of
my daughter.
All right, listen.
After a lot of thought,
I've decided to use
-my go-back.
-Oh. What's a go-back?
All ghosts are allowed
one go-back,
where they can go back in time
and right a wrong.
But, you only get one.
So, I was saving mine,
you know, for something big,
like, um, you know,
go back in time
and kill Hitler.
You know, before he
really got going.
You would not have the balls
to kill Hitler.
(EXCLAIMS) Hitler?
Yes. Yes, I would.
Ah, really?
How would you do it?
With a gun! Or Something.
You don't know how
to shoot a (BLEEP) gun.
Well, then! Ah! I'll hit him.
With a shovel.
Where would you get a shovel
and be near Hitler?
Pigeon! It doesn't matter.
Because that's not
gonna happen,
because I'm not gonna use
my go-back for it.
I'm gonna use my go-back
and make amends with my son,
Bosie.
Why don't you
go back a little further
and not name him Bosie?
Are you done? Are you
seriously, seriously done?
Now, here's the fun thing
about a go-back.
Although you only get one,
you can take as many people
as you want with you.
Living, dead, it doesn't
matter. Now.
Oh, wait. Now that I think
about it, I think you can
only take five.
I think five is the max.
But, ah! There's only three
of you, so we're good. So.
Here's what you do.
We all stand in a circle.
And then I say,
"Go back, go back,
let's go back."
And then you say,
"Okay, okay, okay, okay."
Oh, my God.
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
That's his house.
You got this, Marquess.
Don't worry about us. We'll be
here, just blending in.
Tip, tip, cheerio.
Top o' the morning
to ya, governor.
Oh, Bosie.
What are you
doing here, Father?
Oh, yes. Well, I want
to apologize to you.
For everything.
I'm sorry. And, I love you.
And, I'm sorry.
Oh, and I love that scarf.
Is that J. Crew?
-What?
-What? Nothing.
The important thing is,
I'm sorry.
Well. That means
the world to me.
(SOBBING) Oh. Oh!
Oh, Father.
-OSCAR: Bosie, darling?
Who's there?
-Hmm?
(GASPS) Oh. Oscar.
Uh, you're looking well.
You've lost some weight.
Doing hard labor in prison,
thanks to you.
Ah. (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)
Oh, Deezy, I can't,
I'm in London right now.
Why don't you get your sister
to pick you up?
Then get a taxi! Damn, Deezy,
you can't wait until you land
-to figure out
your (BLEEP) ride?
-(PHONE BEEPS)
I did it! (LAUGHS)
He was very happy.
I even apologized
to Oscar Wilde!
So, conscience clean.
Successful go-back.
Ah, forgive me, but we're
visiting from Germany
and my husband is in there.
Will you watch my baby
while I go get him?
-Yeah, no problem.
-Ah, thank you.
What is your name?
-Mike Tyson.
-I am Klara Hitler,
-and this is my baby, Adolf.
-(GASPS)
Oy, you lot! Mind this shovel
while I go in there
and have a piss.
(GRUMBLES)
(BABY ADOLF COOING)
No, I don't Uh
(GROANS)
MARQUESS: Present day,
present day, what do you say,
present day!
PIGEON AND YUNG:
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Whoo! Wasn't that fun?
Well, that was classic.
Marquess had a chance
to kill Hitler
-and didn't have the balls.
-(STAMMERING)
I had the balls.
Kill baby Hitler
and save six million Jews?
No-brainer.
I bet that was
a shocking visual
for all those people
on that street, huh?
Oh, no! We never got that guy
a birthday present
for his wife!
Oh, you know what? Let's just
get him a (BLEEP) gift card.
Shalom aleichem.
-Shalom!
-Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom aleichem!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)