Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e17 Episode Script

1
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Half?
Mike, this is
a standard arrangement.
There's no
prenuptial agreement,
there are no
custody issues to deal with.
It's very cut and dry.
As your wife,
Carol's entitled to half
of your income for
the duration of your marriage.
So, that comes to
-Twenty-three million dollars.
-What?
We got married on Friday,
it's Monday!
Well, it's Tuesday,
and on Monday, you received
the balloon payment
from a settlement with
the greater New England boxing
authority for $46 million.
Shit! Should've came
here on Monday.
Man! But we are trying
to make it work.
Well Carol,
I wish you the best.
I honestly do.
If I had to do it
all over again,
I wouldn't change a thing.
Except I probably should've
came in here on Monday.
CAROL: Am I really
getting $23 million?
(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS)
Mike, hey,
I actually have something
else for you to sign.
What does she want, Yung Hee?
-I should have
full custody of Yung Hee.
-No, Mike.
I guess she could have her
during the week,
and I guess every
other weekend and holidays.
She can have those too.
-Those are stressful.
-No, Mike.
Maybe it'd be good.
I could turn Yung's room
into uh, like studio.
Like art studio,
or a music studio,
or a studio apartment.
Rent it out maybe
for like $23 million.
Mike, this is about
something else.
We finally settled with Dunbar
about the property
in New Mexico.
What property in Mexico?
New Mexico
(CHUCKLES) No, you're thinking
of New York, but go on.
The 2,600 acres of scrubland
outside of Las Cruces.
It was gonna be a hazardous
waste storage site.
We just finished construction
on a mile-and-a-half deep
cement line pit
when the county sued
and the other investors
backed out.
Look, I think the smartest
thing we could do
is sell and be done with it.
Cut your losses,
which I don't have to tell you
have been significant.
Are you crazy?
You're telling me
I own 2,600 acres
of scrubland all to myself?
Pinch me.
Mike, I strongly advise you
to sell this property.
Don't be strongly
advising me, mother-(BLEEP),
I just met you.
Mike, I've been
your lawyer for 17 years.
Our families have taken
vacations together.
I'm, I'm Yung's godfather.
I only have Yung half
the time now, so you have to
take that up with Carol.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
I'm not selling that property!
Okay, everybody, guess what?
We're only 63 miles away.
Away from what?
Our shallow graves?
How many times
do I have to tell you,
I'm not gonna kill you.
Then why are we blindfolded
and tied up?
You're blindfolded
so you can't see where
we're going, okay?
Surprise factor.
And you're tied up
so you won't take off
your blindfolds, okay?
Just be happy
I took the duct tape
off your mouth, okay?
Because I will put that
(BLEEP) back on so fast.
MIKE: Okay, we're here.
I'm gonna take off
your blindfold,
but keep your eyes shut, okay?
Okay, open.
Ah. Is my blindfold still on?
Because I can't see anything.
YUNG HEE: What is this?
Wow! This is not the reaction
I was expecting.
In my mind, it was going to be
a lot of high fiving, a lot
of hooting and hollering.
A lot of, "Thank you
for driving this 10 hours
"to see this 2,600 acres
of undeveloped scrubland."
Is that what
we're looking at? Scrubland?
And what even is scrubland?
Land you can't do
anything with.
You can't farm on it,
you can't build
anything on it
Scrubland!
And I own 2,600 acres of it.
Okay, great. Now, can we turn
around and go home?
No way, Jose. I gotta get
a good look at this land
in the light of the day.
Figure out what
I'm gonna do with it.
I thought you just
said you just can't do
anything with it.
Don't tell me what I can
and can't do mother-(BLEEP),
I just met you.
(ENGINE STARTING)
What?
Oh! This is cute.
Kitschy Oh, no, filthy.
(DINGS)
-(MARQUESS GRUNTS)
-Dad!
-(MARQUESS GASPS)
-I'm sorry.
It's just when I hear a bell,
it's instinctive.
I go for the knockout
every time.
-What the hell y'all want?
-MARQUESS: Ugh.
Oh, um, we just wanted
a couple of rooms
for the night.
Y'alls with
the federal government?
Yes, yes. That is
President Jimmy Carter.
That's Vice Presidential
candidate, Geraldine Ferraro.
This is Secretary of Defense,
Caspar Weinberger.
And I am minority whip
Trent Lott, from the great
state of Mississippi.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
And yes, we would like a room.
Look, I'm not trying
to be threatening.
Okay, well, maybe we put down
the shotgun then.
My dad and all my uncles
say there're tons of federal
agents undercover 'round here.
They're preparing
to impose martial law
and take away our rights!
They want to do
population control.
Make this like Canada
or some shit.
-All your uncles?
-What?
You said, "My dad
and all my uncles."
How many uncles do you have?
Like more than
the normal amount?
Are you making fun
of me, bird?
No, no one's
making fun of you.
We're, we're just tired,
and we'd love a couple
of rooms, some down pillows,
and I don't know if room
service is still going on,
but I would love,
because we ate nothing but
fast food on the drive here,
a field-green salad,
and if you have
wild salmon,
or chicken breast, you could
just throw that on there,
dressing on the side.
You know what? No.
Don't even tempt me.
No dressing at all,
just a lemon wedge, hmm?
Maybe a slice of cheesecake.
Oh, please.
They only had one room left?
All the other rooms
are booked?
I mean, is this
the tourist season
of the middle of nowhere?
Yeah, well,
on the bright side
they have the HBO.
Oh no,
the power button is stuck.
And I don't want to know
what it's stuck with.
Now, the question
of the night.
Who sleeps with whom?
-I call Pigeon. I want
to sleep with the pigeon.
-What?
You take up such little room,
it's like sleeping
with a stuffed animal.
Aww.
Good thinking, Toby.
Getting them all
into one room.
Thanks, Uncle Jeff.
Easier to keep track
of these slippery
sons' of bitches.
That's what I was thinking,
Uncle Steve.
That's exactly
what I was thinking.
They're definitely feds.
Only the government would
think to put together
a white, a black
and a Chinese.
-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-Don't forget the bird,
Uncle Steve.
You know why
they're here, don't you?
-To take our guns!
-BOTH: No!
-(ALL BLABBING)
-Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-UNCLE JEFF: That's what
they're here to do.
-Hey, everybody!
-Uncle Davey!
-Don't worry about Davey.
We got bigger fish to fry!
Uncle Mike, Uncle Terry,
take a look at this.
Is it a man
and woman screwing?
-(CHUCKLES) I enjoy
watching that stuff.
-No, no!
It's, it's undercover
federal agents.
Well, then you know
who we need to call.
-Uncle Dick?
-ALL: Uncle Dick.
-Yeah.
-Dick is involved.
(PHONE BEEPS)
PHONE: How may I help you?
-Call Dick.
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-PHONE: Sorry,
I'm not sure what you said.
-(PHONE BEEPS)
Call Dick!
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-PHONE: Sorry,
I'm not sure what you said.
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-Dick, dick!
-(PHONE BEEPS)
-ALL: (REPEATEDLY) Dick!
-Dick!
-Tell it Dick!
My, God! Get Dick on my horn.
God dang it, I need some
Dick in my ear!
PIGEON: My God,
I owe you an apology.
This is beautiful.
And only 10 hours
from where we live.
We can come here all the time.
Okay, we have seen it,
now can we go?
MIKE: I know what I want to do
with this land.
What I need to do
with this land.
I grew up in the city
on the main streets.
Gangs, violence
But what if I could
pick that all the way,
and put it somewhere so it
can't hurt anybody, anymore.
God, dang it!
Why, can you hear anything?
I can't hear, jack-(BLEEP).
Hey Dick!
Dick! What's going on
with your equipment?
What? The chord won't reach!
You guys got it all tangled!
-Well, jerk it, Dick.
-Give it a jerk, Dick.
Jerk that, Dick.
Well, I'm jerking it
but it's not coming!
Oh, for God's sake, tug on it.
Tug that, Dick,
and it'll come!
-UNCLE JEFF:
Listen to him, tug it!
-(ALL BLABBING)
UNCLE MIKE: Give it a release!
-Spit on the thing!
-UNCLE JEFF: He's doing it!
He's doing it!
UNCLE MIKE:
Grip it and tug it!
-(EXCLAIMS)
-(ALL BLABBING)
(CHUCKLES)
(POWERS UP)
MIKE: Okay guys, listen
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna take away
everyone's guns
and bring them here,
and melt them down,
so that no one
has guns anymore.
I mean at least
no private citizen.
And of course the police
can keep their guns.
You heard the government man!
-Let's get 'em!
-(ALL CHEERING)
Or I could use this land
to build a theme park
like Dollywood
or some shit.
Mike Tysonland.
Roller coasters,
Ferris wheels, cotton candy.
-(ALL CHEERING)
-(ENGINES REVVING)
I don't know anything
about guns.
You know hunters
are sportsmen,
that seems okay.
And you gotta
protect your family.
But then,
I can see the other side too.
That's why I really
shouldn't get involved.
What is that?
-(ALL CHEERING)
-(ENGINES REVVING)
What are those?
Vehicles?
-(ALL CHEERING)
-(ENGINES REVVING)
Is that the kid
from the motel?
(GASPS) I bet I left my
eye cream in the motel room,
and they're bringing it to me.
Oh, well,
that is good customer--
(SCREAMS)
They're shooting at us!
(INDISTINCTLY CHATTERING)
Oh, somebody shot me!
-Oh no, Mike!
-Uncle Mike!
Now, I'm falling
out of the truck!
He's falling out of the truck!
Push him out!
His time has come!
Keep going!
-(ALL BLABBING)
-Faster! Faster!
Oh, damn. I don't think
we could build a theme park.
-(SHOOTING IN THE DISTANCE)
-One, I don't know anything
about building a theme park.
-(SHOOTING AND CHEERING)
-Two, I just remembered,
-there's a mile-and-a-half
deep cement line pit
-(GUNS FIRING)
-somewhere around here.
-(ALL SCREAMING)
What happened?
Oh, Marquess.
I'm sorry,
but I don't think you're
getting back your eye cream.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
INTERVIEWER: Tell me
about Tyson town.
If I had Tyson Town
It would be, um,
it would be more like
a jumping park for kids.
You know, have all these
big giant jumpy things.
Castles, the eggs,
and they jump on everything.
And the kids could run around
and jump in the pond, and
It'll just be awesome
for the kids, that's all.
INTERVIEWER: Would it have
anything to do with boxing?
-No way.
-(INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)