Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e16 Episode Script
Carol
1
(SNORING)
(ALARM BLARING)
(SIGHS)
Ugh!
Gladis!
(SIGHS)
(ALARM BLARRING)
(SIGHS) Pigeon.
Oh, wow! Oh, I thought
this was my room.
Well, did I piss on your
carpet? I'm sorry.
That's okay, buddy.
Oh, come on.
(HORN HONKS)
(HONKING)
What did I do?
Whoopsie!
-(CAR HONKS)
-WOMAN: We love you, Mike.
MAN: Mike, Mike Tyson!
I love you too,
stay in school, fool.
(CAR HONKS)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Morning, Ted.
Hi, Naan.
Oh, I like your hair, Sheila.
I like your hair too, Carol.
Oh, thanks, Sheila.
I got a new comb.
What is this?
"To Carol,
"love, your secret admirer."
(GASPS)
Morning, Marquess.
Oh, what is this?
Fast-food breakfast items.
Morning, Yung.
Oh, I like your hair.
Did you do
something different?
No.
(GASPS) What is this?
MARQUESS: Oh, we got
a new mystery.
I just put it there,
so you wouldn't miss it.
Oh, cool.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
-"My name is Carol."
-PIGEON: Wait, wait, wait.
Wait for me. Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, now you can read it.
-Thanks for coming.
-Oh, you're welcome.
Was it that obvious
that I came?
I was looking at that
big titted Persian
and then it just Happened.
You got an extra napkin?
Since I sent you the note,
I've gotten three more gifts
from my secret admirer.
Oh, is that so?
Were any of them a napkin
with semen on it?
What?
-No.
-Well. Ah, here you go.
You add that to the gift pile.
Ugh. Oh, my God.
So, is there anyone
that you can think of
that might have
a crush on you?
No.
No one likes me.
I think
What I'm afraid of is, that
This is
Someone's idea of a joke.
(CRYING)
There, there, Carol. You're
being too hard on yourself.
You're a beautiful woman.
Your hair is
kind of brownish-gray.
You have an apple shaped body.
You have glasses.
Rosacea, those thick wrists
Wait, wait, wait. What were we
talking about again?
I just dread coming into work.
Every time I
Find a new gift, I just
Imagine someone's
laughing at me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
You might want to use
a different napkin, you know.
One that doesn't have
this pigeon's semen on it.
I should just
get back to work.
They only give us a 20 minute
lunch break.
For what it's worth, Carol,
I believe your
secret admirer is real.
And we'll find him.
I guarantee it.
"I guarantee it"? What are you
the Men's Warehouse?
Now, how do we help
this poor woman?
I think one of us
need to go undercover
as an office worker.
Get in on some of that
office gossip
and someone's
gotta know something.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(SIGHS)
Who are you?
-Good morning, Carol.
-Oh!
Oh, Mike Tyson.
-What you doing here?
-Shh! I'm your new coworker,
Mark Starwars.
We're cubicle neighbors.
Now I can keep an eye
on your desk.
What happened to Vanessa?
I told Vanessa
she was laid off.
You know, cut backs
and what not.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, hold up.
(PICKS UP RECEIVER)
Data Information Technology
Storage Solution.
This is Mike Tyson speaking,
I mean, I'm Mark Starwars.
How can I help you?
Well, we have a number of
storage options available
for your business.
It all depends on whether
you, you know, value
flexibility or security.
I mean, we can
sit here all day and talk
a bunch of bull (BLEEP)
about how you can have
both of them at the same time.
But that's not reality.
What's your name, Mitch?
That's not reality, Mitch.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Give me a second, Mitch.
(KEYBOARD CLICKING)
Oh, hold on, Mitch.
Here's one with flexibility
and security.
I guess, I spoke too soon.
(LAUGHING)
Ooh, that's funny
(BLEEP), man.
Man, hey, have a wonderful
rest of your day, buddy.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
This is why I come to work
every morning.
For this feeling right here.
I could sell a shit
to a shit machine.
Coming, Carol?
I'm gonna hit that break room
real hard.
Ah, I just feel so guilty.
I mean,
here we are
lounging around the pool,
while Mike is having to
solve the mystery
all by himself, ugh.
If this wasn't my
third Riesling you know
what I would do?
I would go straight to
that office
and I would
Well, I don't know
what I would do.
But what I do know,
is this Riesling is crisp,
fruit forward
and perfectly balanced.
And this, guys,
this was 14.99.
This was under $20!
I mean, you cannot tell me
that you have to
spend over $20
for a decent Riesling,
you don't.
I didn't. Am I monologuing?
Because if I'm monologuing,
tell me to stop. Come on.
Please, I'll stop. (GASPS)
Ho-ho-ho, that is crazy!
I mean, I was aiming
for your face.
-Where the pod go?
-You lift up that part.
Oh, this?
-No, this part.
-Ooh, it opens.
Now pick which pod you want,
which flavor.
Oh, damn.
Look at all these pods.
I'll go with hazelnut.
It's a little bit of a treat.
But nothing crazy like,
hot chocolate.
What fatass, he gets
hot chocolate in the
middle of the day?
(BLEEP) it. You know what?
This fatass is
getting hot chocolate.
I deserve it. You hear me
on that phone with Mitch?
It was like stealing baby
from a candy store.
I gotta get back to my desk.
I can't help but notice you
guys staring that whole time.
You guys staring at Carol?
She's something else, right?
Sweet and pretty?
That's a combination
you don't find every day.
I bet somebody around here
admires her secretly.
If you guys know anything,
come to me at my desk.
I'm in Vanessa Telleria's
old cubicle.
I don't like to gossip but
she was fired for stealing.
Ow, ow! It's so full,
so hot and full.
(BLOWING)
The hot chocolate's not going
to come out. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Well, that's God telling me
I should have got hazelnut.
I mean that's amazing.
Heavyweight champ
of the world.
One of the most famous
people on Earth
and now just some poor slob
trying to make it
to the weekend.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, my God. Did he hear me?
What the (BLEEP) do I do?
I can't have my cover blown.
I've come too far.
I have to kill him.
I have to kill this man.
(SIGHS) My God.
The weekend, it just
can't come fast enough.
(CHUCKLES) How about,
I can barely
B, E, A, R, ly.
-Contain my love for you.
-(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, that's great.
-(LAUGHING)
-Oh, my God, that's great.
-She's so stupid.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, guys, you know what
I can barely contain?
My (BLEEP) fists
in your faces.
(BOTH GROAN)
Mike?
(DOOR OPENS)
You can put
your stuff upstairs, I guess.
Since you live
here now, forever.
(SNIFFING)
Well, we got married.
-What?
-What are you talking about?
She was right.
They were making fun of her.
I felt so bad. So I said
I was the secret admirer.
And I said I loved her
from afar.
And now I love her up-close.
And then I asked her
to marry me.
And then we went to the
courthouse and got married.
And then we stopped
by her place
and I got a bunch of her shit,
and then we came here.
I still don't understand
why you got married?
I don't know, I panicked.
I shouldn't be doing
mysteries by myself.
(BLEEP) man! What the (BLEEP)
are we going to do?
(ALARM BLARING)
Oh, thank goodness it was
just a dream.
(GLADIS URINATING)
(SNORING)
Well, maybe I can
grow to love her.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, this is Mark Starwars
calling you back from
the Data Information
Technology Storage Solution.
(SNORING)
(ALARM BLARING)
(SIGHS)
Ugh!
Gladis!
(SIGHS)
(ALARM BLARRING)
(SIGHS) Pigeon.
Oh, wow! Oh, I thought
this was my room.
Well, did I piss on your
carpet? I'm sorry.
That's okay, buddy.
Oh, come on.
(HORN HONKS)
(HONKING)
What did I do?
Whoopsie!
-(CAR HONKS)
-WOMAN: We love you, Mike.
MAN: Mike, Mike Tyson!
I love you too,
stay in school, fool.
(CAR HONKS)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Morning, Ted.
Hi, Naan.
Oh, I like your hair, Sheila.
I like your hair too, Carol.
Oh, thanks, Sheila.
I got a new comb.
What is this?
"To Carol,
"love, your secret admirer."
(GASPS)
Morning, Marquess.
Oh, what is this?
Fast-food breakfast items.
Morning, Yung.
Oh, I like your hair.
Did you do
something different?
No.
(GASPS) What is this?
MARQUESS: Oh, we got
a new mystery.
I just put it there,
so you wouldn't miss it.
Oh, cool.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team.
-"My name is Carol."
-PIGEON: Wait, wait, wait.
Wait for me. Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, now you can read it.
-Thanks for coming.
-Oh, you're welcome.
Was it that obvious
that I came?
I was looking at that
big titted Persian
and then it just Happened.
You got an extra napkin?
Since I sent you the note,
I've gotten three more gifts
from my secret admirer.
Oh, is that so?
Were any of them a napkin
with semen on it?
What?
-No.
-Well. Ah, here you go.
You add that to the gift pile.
Ugh. Oh, my God.
So, is there anyone
that you can think of
that might have
a crush on you?
No.
No one likes me.
I think
What I'm afraid of is, that
This is
Someone's idea of a joke.
(CRYING)
There, there, Carol. You're
being too hard on yourself.
You're a beautiful woman.
Your hair is
kind of brownish-gray.
You have an apple shaped body.
You have glasses.
Rosacea, those thick wrists
Wait, wait, wait. What were we
talking about again?
I just dread coming into work.
Every time I
Find a new gift, I just
Imagine someone's
laughing at me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
You might want to use
a different napkin, you know.
One that doesn't have
this pigeon's semen on it.
I should just
get back to work.
They only give us a 20 minute
lunch break.
For what it's worth, Carol,
I believe your
secret admirer is real.
And we'll find him.
I guarantee it.
"I guarantee it"? What are you
the Men's Warehouse?
Now, how do we help
this poor woman?
I think one of us
need to go undercover
as an office worker.
Get in on some of that
office gossip
and someone's
gotta know something.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(SIGHS)
Who are you?
-Good morning, Carol.
-Oh!
Oh, Mike Tyson.
-What you doing here?
-Shh! I'm your new coworker,
Mark Starwars.
We're cubicle neighbors.
Now I can keep an eye
on your desk.
What happened to Vanessa?
I told Vanessa
she was laid off.
You know, cut backs
and what not.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, hold up.
(PICKS UP RECEIVER)
Data Information Technology
Storage Solution.
This is Mike Tyson speaking,
I mean, I'm Mark Starwars.
How can I help you?
Well, we have a number of
storage options available
for your business.
It all depends on whether
you, you know, value
flexibility or security.
I mean, we can
sit here all day and talk
a bunch of bull (BLEEP)
about how you can have
both of them at the same time.
But that's not reality.
What's your name, Mitch?
That's not reality, Mitch.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Give me a second, Mitch.
(KEYBOARD CLICKING)
Oh, hold on, Mitch.
Here's one with flexibility
and security.
I guess, I spoke too soon.
(LAUGHING)
Ooh, that's funny
(BLEEP), man.
Man, hey, have a wonderful
rest of your day, buddy.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
This is why I come to work
every morning.
For this feeling right here.
I could sell a shit
to a shit machine.
Coming, Carol?
I'm gonna hit that break room
real hard.
Ah, I just feel so guilty.
I mean,
here we are
lounging around the pool,
while Mike is having to
solve the mystery
all by himself, ugh.
If this wasn't my
third Riesling you know
what I would do?
I would go straight to
that office
and I would
Well, I don't know
what I would do.
But what I do know,
is this Riesling is crisp,
fruit forward
and perfectly balanced.
And this, guys,
this was 14.99.
This was under $20!
I mean, you cannot tell me
that you have to
spend over $20
for a decent Riesling,
you don't.
I didn't. Am I monologuing?
Because if I'm monologuing,
tell me to stop. Come on.
Please, I'll stop. (GASPS)
Ho-ho-ho, that is crazy!
I mean, I was aiming
for your face.
-Where the pod go?
-You lift up that part.
Oh, this?
-No, this part.
-Ooh, it opens.
Now pick which pod you want,
which flavor.
Oh, damn.
Look at all these pods.
I'll go with hazelnut.
It's a little bit of a treat.
But nothing crazy like,
hot chocolate.
What fatass, he gets
hot chocolate in the
middle of the day?
(BLEEP) it. You know what?
This fatass is
getting hot chocolate.
I deserve it. You hear me
on that phone with Mitch?
It was like stealing baby
from a candy store.
I gotta get back to my desk.
I can't help but notice you
guys staring that whole time.
You guys staring at Carol?
She's something else, right?
Sweet and pretty?
That's a combination
you don't find every day.
I bet somebody around here
admires her secretly.
If you guys know anything,
come to me at my desk.
I'm in Vanessa Telleria's
old cubicle.
I don't like to gossip but
she was fired for stealing.
Ow, ow! It's so full,
so hot and full.
(BLOWING)
The hot chocolate's not going
to come out. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Well, that's God telling me
I should have got hazelnut.
I mean that's amazing.
Heavyweight champ
of the world.
One of the most famous
people on Earth
and now just some poor slob
trying to make it
to the weekend.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, my God. Did he hear me?
What the (BLEEP) do I do?
I can't have my cover blown.
I've come too far.
I have to kill him.
I have to kill this man.
(SIGHS) My God.
The weekend, it just
can't come fast enough.
(CHUCKLES) How about,
I can barely
B, E, A, R, ly.
-Contain my love for you.
-(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, that's great.
-(LAUGHING)
-Oh, my God, that's great.
-She's so stupid.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, guys, you know what
I can barely contain?
My (BLEEP) fists
in your faces.
(BOTH GROAN)
Mike?
(DOOR OPENS)
You can put
your stuff upstairs, I guess.
Since you live
here now, forever.
(SNIFFING)
Well, we got married.
-What?
-What are you talking about?
She was right.
They were making fun of her.
I felt so bad. So I said
I was the secret admirer.
And I said I loved her
from afar.
And now I love her up-close.
And then I asked her
to marry me.
And then we went to the
courthouse and got married.
And then we stopped
by her place
and I got a bunch of her shit,
and then we came here.
I still don't understand
why you got married?
I don't know, I panicked.
I shouldn't be doing
mysteries by myself.
(BLEEP) man! What the (BLEEP)
are we going to do?
(ALARM BLARING)
Oh, thank goodness it was
just a dream.
(GLADIS URINATING)
(SNORING)
Well, maybe I can
grow to love her.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, this is Mark Starwars
calling you back from
the Data Information
Technology Storage Solution.