Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e15 Episode Script

1
(MAN GRUNTING)
(SIGHS) Mmm.
Hmm?
Your Highness,
I'm afraid your prostate
is not responding
to the treatment
we have tried.
This news is most grievous.
What are our options?
Surgery.
But you have said that
carries risk of impotence.
I am Prince Abdur Farook.
I have a different woman
in my bed every night.
My sex parties are legendary.
Impotency is a risk
I cannot take.
But we put you
on alpha blockers, um
We did transurethral
microwave thermotherapy.
Even transurethral
needle ablation.
Never speak
of the needle ablation again.
Or I will have you
buried in the desert
with your testicles set alight
and stuffed in the mouths
of your children.
Yes, Your Highness.
I'm sorry, I have failed you.
I I really thought
the prostate
would have shrunk.
It's a mystery.
A mystery?
Yes, medically speaking.
Silence, or I will have
your anus removed
and stitched to the face
of your mother's father.
-My My grandfather?
-I told you not to speak.
-Remove his anus,
find his mother's father.
-No!
Please! My mother's father
died 20 years ago.
Then dig him up
from the ground.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
If you are a mystery,
then I know
who will solve you.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Your presence is requested
in Dubai, United Arab Emirates
by his highness,
Prince Abdur Al Farook.
(GASPS) An Arabian Prince?
How fabulous, and in Dubai?
Oh
I can wear my Isis costume.
What the (BLEEP).
Why would you have
an ISIS costume?
What Why wouldn't I?
I feel powerful
and sexy in it.
What?
Marquess, it is unacceptable
to dress like ISIS.
Well, you know what?
We're just gonna have to
agree to disagree.
Hmm. I wonder
what the mystery is.
I bet it has something
to do with the
Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
It's a mystery
they don't get along.
They're neighbors.
Hey there, Mike.
Shelly and I are having
a neighborhood potluck
on Saturday, be great if you--
What the (BLEEP) are you doing
looking over my wall,
mother(BLEEP)?
Stay on your side
or I'll launch missiles
on your ass,
you dumb piece of shit.
(YELPS) This hotel room
is bigger than our house!
Ah, I see they went
for understated elegance.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to take a shit
in one of our seven
gold toilets.
(MUEZZIN CALL ECHOING)
The Middle East.
The most peaceful
place on Earth.
(KNOCKING)
Greetings, Mr. Tyson.
I am Mahmoud Bin Rahim.
Personal secretary
to his highness, the Prince.
I trust your flight over
was comfortable?
The first couple of hours
was comfortable.
But the next, man,
I mean like, 17 hours, man,
we were uncomfortable as
(BLEEP).
Ah, um
Perhaps you are not familiar
with the Dubai
code of conduct.
I'm afraid profanity
and all vulgar language
is strictly forbidden.
Oh, oh, no shit?
Other offenses include
being drunk and disorderly,
public displays of affection,
drug use, homosexuality.
We have a strict dress codes.
Dancing and playing
loud music are banned.
Gossip and rumor mongering
are forbidden.
Oh, hey, you know,
I hate to gossip
but I heard, you know,
rumors that Will Smith
and Jada Pinkett Smith,
you know, they have
an open marriage.
-You know anything about that?
-Dad, he just said
that's forbidden.
But I can tell
by the look on his face,
he knows somethin'.
Are there any other rules
we need to know about?
Well, there are many
strictures specific to women
but obviously,
that doesn't apply
to either of you.
So, you know (CHUCKLES)
God, I love a bidet.
A little powerful for someone
of my stature, but
You can't argue
with the results.
I mean, look at that asshole.
You can eat dinner off it.
Hey, there.
So, Mahmoud,
can you tell us anything
about the mystery?
Everything you need to know
is contained in this
medical report.
The Prince would like
you all to join him
tonight at his home.
Where you can discuss
this matter in private.
Okay, cool.
Hey, dude, there's
a big mall here, right?
-Oh, yes, the largest
in the world.
-They got a Versace here?
I believe they do.
But perhaps your time
is better spent studying
the medical report?
The Prince is most anxious
to have this matter resolved.
Cool. Do you know
if they're open now?
I'm askin' for a friend.
Yes, I'm sure it's open.
(WHISPERS)
I wasn't askin' for a friend.
I was askin' for me.
MARQUESS:
Bow down to Isis, bitches.
That's right.
I brought my Isis costume.
I even got my scepter
through customs. (HUMS)
(CHUCKLES)
But there was no way,
I was coming to
the cradle of civilization
and not dressing
like the goddess
of fertility and love.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, my God,
you look like that murderer
in Silence of the Lambs.
Mmm. Mmm
Ooh, Prince Farook,
that was delicious.
-What was that?
-Roasted goat.
Mmm. It never tastes
like that when I make it.
Well, now that
we have had our pleasure.
Let us take care
of our business.
You've had time
to look over my file?
Yeah, when we got back
from the mall.
I mean, we did it
before we went to the mall.
And how do you wish
to handle my prostate?
Very carefully.
(LAUGHING)
That's a prostate joke,
but seriously, man.
We have no (BLEEP) idea.
We're not
(BLEEP) doctors, man.
We couldn't read
anything in that file.
(SCOFFS) Doctors are
narrow minded fools.
But, you, Mike Tyson
and your men
Oh. My apologies, madam.
I didn't mean to exclude you.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, thanks that's
Oh.
I want you to use
all of your mystery
solving powers
to shrink my prostate.
Oh, shrink your prostate?
Okay, that's giving me
an idea.
Now, you're gonna say
this is because I just saw
the movie Innerspace,
starring Dennis Quaid
and that other guy
from Three Amigos!
But it's not.
It's unrelated.
I say you shrink us all down,
put us in, and I don't know
what it was in Innerspace,
but put us in that thing
that Dennis Quaid was in.
And then inject us
in the tip of your penis
and we'll pilot the thing
that's in Innerspace
all the way up your penis,
to your prostate.
And then,
here's the part that's
different from Innerspace,
we use the same
stuff to shrink us,
to shrink your prostate.
Do you have access
to this technology?
Oh, no, I have no idea.
I don't think that exists.
I mean, we could go,
maybe find people
that worked on Innerspace.
But that movie's
like 30 years old.
And it's a movie,
so that's like, um,
make believe, you know.
And you're not
gonna believe this
but I could eat
some more of that goat.
I am not ready to give up.
I will use all of my resources
to find someone
who can deliver
this technology.
I know people in Pakistan,
in Beirut, Syria.
Oh, that sounds like
a good group.
I hope we get involved
with all these people.
Maybe travel there.
Meet them face to face.
No. You shall stay at the Burj
and await my call.
I thank you, for you
have given me hope.
This meeting is over.
Unless, um
The lady would like to stay?
Okay.
What. Wait, that's it?
Aw, the night's over?
Ate too much goat.
I'm going straight to bed.
But first
I'm going straight to one
of those gold toilets.
-Yung?
-Mmm. I think I'm just gonna
take a bath and go to bed.
Ah Pigeon, what do you say?
See what the, uh,
club scene's like? Huh?
No.
I think I'll try and get in
that bathroom before Yung
and hide in the towels
and watch her bathe.
Something mellow,
I'm kinda jet lagged.
What? So nobody
wants to join Isis?
Oh! You might be unpopular,
Isis, but I support you.
MAN: (WHISPERS)
You You support ISIS?
What? Uh, yeah.
(WHISPERS) Get in.
Oh, um
Well, normally I have someone
buy me a drink first, but
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
-MAN: Again.
-(WHIMPERING)
Prince Abdur Farook
is an enemy of the Caliphate.
I will use my connections
to gain access to the Prince.
Where I will set off
my suicide vest,
killing myself and him.
And be rewarded in heaven
with 72 virgin maidens.
(MUMBLES) Can't wait.
He's ready.
Yung, Pigeon, I'm okay,
I'm alright.
-What?
-What I'm back!
-What are you talkin' about?
-Oh, my God!
Did none of you notice?
I was kidnapped
For three weeks!
Really?
Nope, didn't notice.
Oh, my God.
Well, apparently,
there is a group of
maniacs called ISIS.
And they do not mean
the goddess of
fertility and love.
(STAMMERS) Have you heard
of these people?
Yes!
Do you not read the news?
What? No. As a matter of fact,
I don't because
it's depressing
MIKE: (OVER SPEAKERS)
Okay, I'm nearing
the prostate.
I mean, I think I am.
(MACHINES WHIRRING)
What
Shut the front door!
The shrinking thing worked?
We tracked down one
of the production designers
from the film Innerspace.
We were also able to
meet Dennis Quaid.
Okay, my friend.
On the control panel,
to your left
is a red button.
This will release a dosage
of the same shrinking serum
we used to shrink you
to shrink the prostate.
(GASPS) Marquess,
is that a suicide vest?
Uh, yeah. I got it
when I was kidnapped.
We will be fine as long
as he doesn't press
the red button.
MIKE: (OVER SPEAKERS)
So, don't press
the red button?
-Can I at least take it off?
-No!
You must first clip
that green wire.
Not red. Green. Green!
MIKE: (OVER SPEAKERS)
Okay, green it is.
Pressing the green button now.
No! Pressing the green button
will instantly re-enlarge--
-(SPLATTERING)
-(SHIP POWERING DOWN)
Well, look on the bright side,
at least ISIS
is gonna be happy.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, mighty Isis, lift me high.
Lift me high, so I can fly!
(WIND RUSHING)