Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e14 Episode Script

My Favorite Mystery

Gather round, team.
I got a surprise.
We're taking a vacation
to Hawaii.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! Really?
Just for fun, no mystery?
There's one mystery,
yes, there is.
Do you all wanna fly coach
or first class?
-Are you kidding? First class!
Yeah, first class.
Oh, oh, I was hoping you guys
would choose coach, you know?
Since I already got us coach.
Since it's so much
cheaper, you know?
Well, what island
are we going to?
Oh, please. Please say Kauai.
You have not lived
until you've made love
under Wailua Falls.
Nope. We're going to Honolulu,
known for its nightlife
and its overcrowded beaches.
Well, it's still Hawaii
and I for one,
am ready to get lei'd!
(LAUGHS) You're gonna
start off with one of those
big Samoans, are you,
for your first time out?
I'm talking about a lei.
It's flowers.
Flowers. Yeah, well, you're
gonna get de-flowered by
a giant-dicked Samoan.
Did it lock?
Make sure it locks.
Good. I did bring some
jewelry for tonight.
It's nothing ostentatious.
A little chain,
a matching bracelet.
I think they're
(BLEEP) in there.
-Hotel security!
Need you to open this door,
right this second.
-MAN: What?
Hey! Which one
of you little shits
knocked on my door?
Was it you?
Oh, no, you don't.
I want to know
which one of you
thought it would be fun to
have sport with an old man.
Oh, the elevator!
His towel must have got
caught in the gears!
Oh, my God, we're trapped!
Oh, I'm claustrophobic!
I'm freaking out!
Put that old man's giant
hard (BLEEP) in your mouth.
It'll calm you down.
-YUNG HEE: Oh, my God!
-Oh, dear Lord.
Whoa, how the hell are you
still aroused, man?
Dad, press the call button.
Aloha, building maintenance.
This is Haulani.
-Oh, hey, How-Lee.
-No, it's Haulani.
That's cool.
Hey, we're stuck
in this elevator
with this old man
with his big boner.
So, can you get us
out of here, please?
Yeah, that elevator
gets stuck a lot.
Last time it took, like,
three hours to get it going.
But let me call the
company that fixes it.
Just remain calm
and just, like, stay calm.
Okay, Henry.
Well, everybody,
this seems like
a good moment to reminisce.
Think back on some of our
"Best of" moments.
Like, remember when we
all flew to Hawaii
to go on a much,
much needed vacation?
Gather round, team.
I got a surprise.
We're taking
a vacation to Hawaii.
Michael, that happened
this morning,
so, if we're
gonna reminisce
My favorite mystery
was the time we
all went to Cairo. Uh?
Remember that?
MARQUESS: You were driving
like a bat out of hell,
because you stole that
Egyptian man's hat.
It's just a hat, Marquess,
no one cares.
-Oh, damn!
Are you okay?
Is everybody okay?
I'm sorry. We're so sorry.
Fattah el-Sisi,
President of Egypt.
Good to meet you.
We've been having
a lot of issues
with our new
pyramid-shaped drones.
Doing a lot of blowing up
of innocent people.
Please, allow me,
and the state of Egypt,
to make it up to you.
And make it up
to us they did.
The food, the drink.
The being bathed
by slender
young manservants.
The dusky, almost
hairless body, those hands
Hands everywhere and
Aloha. Great news, everyone.
The repair guy is on his way.
But he was over on Kauai,
so it's gonna be
a couple of hours.
So, just remain calm
and, you know, keep calm.
A couple of hours?
Why, are you getting hungry?
-Don't worry, we got Pigeon.
That's why I bring him
everywhere I go.
You know, in case something
like this happens,
you're stuck somewhere,
you got to eat
Bam! Winner, winner,
chicken dinner!
Okay. Wanna hear what
mystery I'll never forget?
Aloha. I'd like to hear.
Aw, thank you, Haulani.
His name Harlan.
It was when we were
on that submarine.
Oh, that one,
when I beat up that frog man?
No, the other one.
In Scotland.
YUNG HEE: We were asked
once and for all
to prove the existence
of the Loch Ness Monster.
I was manning
the sonar station.
-I'm picking up something.
Pigeon, can you see anything?
I'm not talking to you.
Pigeon's still mad
that he's not
inside the submarine.
Here, let me talk to him.
Listen, Pigeon,
it's Mike Tyson.
I know you're upset
that we put you
in that little scuba gear
and shot you
out of the torpedo tube,
but just hear me out.
The reason why you're
swimming out there alone
in that cold, deep water,
and not me and Marquess
and Yung, is because
Shit, I can't remember
what the reason was.
Oh, well. Stay safe, buddy.
Ah, what a collection
of assholes.
Are you the Loch Ness Monster?
I'm not a monster.
I'm scared of everybody,
and I just try to hide,
and every once
in a while, they spot me.
But I'm so lonely.
All I want is to love
and to be loved.
Oh, my God,
that's the saddest
thing I've ever heard.
Will you be my friend?
Of course, big fella.
He gave us the signal.
Damn, Yung.
Way to bum us all out.
The whole point of a clip show
is to remember the good stuff.
The highlights, the sizzles.
Like, for example,
remember when we
all stood on that cliff
and watched that
nuclear bomb destroy
that small town in Arizona?
You know what I'm saying.
Fun stuff.
(GASPS) Oh, thank God.
What the (BLEEP)?
Doesn't anyone want to know
what my favorite mystery was?
How could you
have a favorite mystery?
We just met you.
Oh, no, little boy.
We've all met before.
Hey, eyes up here!
Hmm? Oh, oh.
Sorry, I just
I just can't believe
that's still going.
I was in the middle of robbing
the US Treasury.
OLD MAN: Oh, we thought
we were in trouble,
until he stopped and turned,
as if posing for a photo.
Just posing.
We watched him there
for a bit, posing and
primping and carrying on.
-It went on for 20 minutes.
We were able to fully
unload that bank vault.
I've never seen
such a vain man.
Hmm, mmm-hmm.
Hmm-- Oh!
I used half of the money
to buy an island
in the South Pacific.
OLD MAN: Inspired by the
Jurassic Park films,
I paid some graduate students
from the Texas A&M School
of Veterinary Medicine
to make me
a bunch of dinosaurs.
And make them they did.
But one of them got cold feet
and sent you a pigeon
with a note.
No one's gonna
disrupt the balance
of nature on my watch.
OLD MAN: The poor dinosaurs.
They'd been brought back
to life just to be mowed
down like the buffalo.
And when you
ran out of bullets,
you used your fists.
My plans for a dinosaur
theme park lay in ruins.
But thankfully, I had used
the rest of the stolen money
to build an enormous cement,
four-armed samurai warrior
in New Mexico.
What on earth for?
I don't know.
That's unclear,
but I had visited
Japan as a boy,
so maybe that had
something to do with it.
And land is so cheap
in New Mexico,
especially down there
near Las Cruces.
This might have been
a waste of $50 million.
What is that?
MAN: (ON RADIO) Er, Mr. Tyson,
you were just supposed to
sit in the jet for a photo op.
You were definitely
not supposed to
take off. Over.
Just a quick joyride. Over.
I think I'm starting to
get the hang of it. Over.
Is that
OLD MAN: It is a Christmas
miracle that I survived.
Homeless and now penniless.
I did the only thing
that made sense.
I joined a passing
Kabuki theater troupe
on their way to perform
in Las Vegas.
Oh, man, I hate Kabuki.
OLD MAN: I know.
But now I am going
to have my revenge.
Prepare to die, Mike Tyson!
PIGEON: Oh, my God,
did you have that pistol
in your butthole?
-MIKE: Whoa!
Aloha! It's me, Haulani.
I don't think
the repairman was
ever gonna come, really.
Climb on my back
and let me show you my
favorite place in Hawaii.
The Mauna Kea summit.
This is the only place
in Hawaii where
you can see snow.
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