Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e13 Episode Script
Thy Neighbor's Life
1
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Oh!
Look at this darling crudite
plate you've put together.
Don't mind if I do. (SQUEALS)
Well, I mind if you do.
We're bringing this to
the neighbor's house tonight.
-What neighbors?
-The ones down on the corner.
They invited us
to dinner tonight.
Who invited us
to dinner tonight?
Apparently, our neighbors.
And what corner
are you talking about?
The one towards the freeway,
the ones with the
big driveway.
The Goodmans. John Goodman.
-John Goodman, the actor?
-Huh?
Our neighbor is
John Goodman,
the actor?
I don't know what he does
for a living.
He's the guy from Roseanne.
He's in all those
Coen Brother movies.
Argo.
Argo wasn't
a Coen Brothers movie.
You better bet your butt
it was.
Takes place in Fargo,
North Dakota.
The Coen Brother wife
won an Academy Award.
You better look it up, man.
It's called Fargo.
Right, but you said "Argo.'
Right. And John Goodman
is in it. Look it up.
Well, this is exciting.
And it's tonight?
PIGEON: What's tonight?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-What was that?
-Oh, the applause?
I had that installed.
The alarm guy was here
and I gave him a couple
of bills to put this in.
There's a speaker
under the sink.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
But, seriously,
what's tonight?
We have all been invited
to have dinner
in the home of none other
than the great character
actor, John Goodman.
Dinner at John Goodman's, huh?
I guess we shouldn't count on
any leftovers.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Where are these sensors?
Oh, hey. Whose idea was it
to bring these vegetables?
Not John Goodman,
that's for sure.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay, can you turn that off?
I have a better idea.
Why don't I turn you on?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)
Ugh!
One day, I swear to God,
I'm gonna
break his little neck
and bury him in the backyard.
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
PIGEON: The audience
does not like you, Yung.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Michael, you didn't wanna
wear something different?
Oh, damn.
Well, now what are you
gonna do with that?
Well, I'll just leave it here.
I bet I never have to wear
that ugly-ass tracksuit again.
Ooh, nice bush.
Ugh!
Oh, hi. Welcome.
What
You're not John Goodman.
-Gil Zakaryan.
-Yeah. Gil Zakaryan.
Not John Goodman.
Hey, Gil. I hope you and Helen
like the crudite platter.
I'm so glad
we're finally doing this.
Oh! What is that?
Oh, yeah. I didn't know what
to put in that middle part
so I just did butter.
Who doesn't like butter,
right?
So, Gil, what is it
that you do for a living?
I was telling these guys
you're in The Big Lebowski.
Oh, I'm a radiologist,
although Helen keeps
asking me to retire.
She wants to travel more.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I could see both sides.
Oh, Gil, did we already say
what you did for a living?
Yes. Radiology.
That's right.
Then we talked about Helen
wanting to travel more.
Oh, my lord.
-Can I have another drink?
-(TIMER DINGS)
What the f--- is that?
Oh, that's just telling me
to take the salmon
out of the oven.
Oh, good. We're having salmon.
Does anybody else's salmon
tastes weird, like,
it's fishy, like it's rotten?
(STAMMERS) It's delicious.
Yours tastes just like mine,
Marquess.
I'm so sorry. I could get you
something else.
No, I don't want you
to have to go
through a lot of trouble.
What kind of cereal
do you got?
Um, we have
a bran type with raisins.
I think we have granola
and maybe some muesli.
I'll take the muesli.
So, Mike, what are you doing
these days?
Oh, not much.
Watch reality television,
hang out.
I eat, I sleep,
I drive around sometimes,
I go for walks, go for runs,
fishing, hiking,
long walks on the beach
just holding hands,
maybe a quiet dinner sometime.
No strings attached.
In the end, it's not the years
you put in life that count,
it's the life you put
in the years that count.
Um, Michael has a mystery team
that we are all part of.
Mysteries? Oh,
that's got to be interesting.
Nope.
You know, we've got
a little mystery ourselves.
This was our son's bedroom,
but when he went away
to college,
we decided to convert it
into a home office.
I mean, I've always
wanted to write a book
about my experiences
as a radiologist.
Oh, can I pre-order that?
(LAUGHS)
We just got
the carpeting done.
Cost a fortune.
That and those blinds.
But, Helen was in charge
of all that
and I'm not supposed
to ask any questions,
just write the checks.
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS) Is the mystery
why Helen thinks
louvered blinds
are still a thing?
Oh, no. Oh, damn,
I missed my mouth.
Who has a paper towel? Anyone?
I'll get it.
So, long story short
What is the point
of saying that?
No one ever says anything
short enough.
And saying that takes up
even more time.
Christ, why am I talking? Now
I'm wasting all of our time,
and I'm sorry for that,
but at least I don't preface
taking up all of our time
by saying, "I'm not gonna
take up all of our time."
And yes, I'd f--- Helen.
But first, pants her,
and spank that shitty cook
for that meal. (CHUCKLES)
That salmon, awful!
I mean, just awful.
I'm sorry for you, Gil.
Spent all day radiologing,
whatever the f--- that is,
and then you come home
to a meal like that? Awful!
That's better.
So, as I was saying,
this was going to be
this home office,
and we can't get
the Internet in here.
And I've called
the cable company,
and they gave me a booster,
and then
they reset the router,
and they say
the signal is strong,
so, it's a mystery.
No Internet.
That's our mystery!
The real mystery is
where your wife went
for that paper towel.
Did she go
to the corner store?
I mean, if I knew she was
going to the corner store,
I would've had her pick me up
some rubbers
and a pack of smokes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What? How is that
happening here?
Don't get hung up
on the logic, just enjoy it.
It's fun. We're having fun.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Here's the thing,
John Goodman.
I wanna help you
with your mystery, right?
I really do.
But I don't like mixing
business and friendship.
You and your wife, Gil,
you guys mean the world to me,
you know?
I'm not saying no.
I'm just saying
let me think about it, okay?
Damn, motherf----- damn!
My crudite platter.
-Let's go, let's go!
-Dad, slow down!
Why do you need
your crudite platter so bad?
Yung, that was a gift
from your mother.
-My mother?
-What?
She left two things
at my doorstep.
You and that crudite platter,
and she said,
"Take equal care of both."
You've never said any of this.
What else did she say?
I don't know.
After that, it was all a blur.
But I made her a promise,
and I'm gonna
honor that promise
for the rest of my life.
Michael, can't we just
get it tomorrow?
No. If we go over there
in the light of day,
they'll want us to solve
their Internet mystery,
and I don't know
s--- about electronics.
And then that guy
will be disappointed,
and I'll lose my only friend
in the whole world.
Uh, "only friend"?
What about us?
That's a one-way friendship.
You guys like me,
but with the other guy,
we like each other.
He's a radiologist.
I esteem him.
All right, get down in there.
What? What for?
We'll get under their house,
tunnel up,
and get the platter,
and nobody'll be the wiser.
We can't just climb
into a window, Marquess.
Somebody will see us.
And I'm a celebrity,
and that shit will be all over
TMZ, man.
And guess what then?
No more Mike Tyson Mysteries.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What, that's not funny?
I thought I thought
that was supposed to be funny.
Here you go, little buddy.
Oh, thank you for placing me
directly into this
fecal matter.
Hmm, now, what pipe would lead
directly into
their living room?
Yeah, you'd think
they'd be marked.
Ooh, here we go.
What? What on Earth is this?
(SOFTLY) Wait here.
I'll go get the platter.
Why do they have a staircase
to the sewer?
(SOFTLY) She didn't
even wash it.
Do you guys hear that?
This doesn't look
like 75 kilos.
Explain yourself!
Is it safe to talk here?
The Feds,
they can listen anywhere.
It's safe. I had
signal scrambles installed.
I know it's working because
we have no Internet
in the room above us.
My f------ husband
keeps bitching about it.
Okay. Okay.
We're having supply problems
in Acuna.
Everything is going
through Laredo,
and it's a nightmare.
Hey, excuses
are like assholes,
everyone's got one.
MIKE:
Oh, damn, she's a drug dealer.
Hey, policia!
You son of a
(YELLING)
The gun battle went on
for 20 minutes.
Helen, who I knew as a wife,
a mother, a great cook,
a talented home decorator,
but who the Zetas cartel
knew as La Diabla,
was killed.
Shot 14 times.
As a radiologist, I use
imaging techniques to see
even the smallest
evidence of disease,
yet as a husband I was blind
to something
even more insidious.
To make a long story short
Oh, my God.
My wife was using our home
as the cocaine
distribution hub
for the entire
Western United States.
The end.
He said, "The end."
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MARQUESS: What Michael,
you don't wanna wear
something different again?
Oh. Oh, my God.
Why don't you
just wear the tux
so you don't need
the tracksuit?
Is this because you're
trying to be James Bond?
You are, aren't you? Okay.
Take the shoes off.
Michael? Okay, there you go.
You should do that first
and then this would be
a lot easier.
Do you need some help?
Hmm? Okay.
Fix your sleeve.
On your jacket.
Can you fix it?
There you go No.
You didn't do it.
Michael?
So no shoes? Just a tux
with white socks.
All right. It is what it is.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Oh!
Look at this darling crudite
plate you've put together.
Don't mind if I do. (SQUEALS)
Well, I mind if you do.
We're bringing this to
the neighbor's house tonight.
-What neighbors?
-The ones down on the corner.
They invited us
to dinner tonight.
Who invited us
to dinner tonight?
Apparently, our neighbors.
And what corner
are you talking about?
The one towards the freeway,
the ones with the
big driveway.
The Goodmans. John Goodman.
-John Goodman, the actor?
-Huh?
Our neighbor is
John Goodman,
the actor?
I don't know what he does
for a living.
He's the guy from Roseanne.
He's in all those
Coen Brother movies.
Argo.
Argo wasn't
a Coen Brothers movie.
You better bet your butt
it was.
Takes place in Fargo,
North Dakota.
The Coen Brother wife
won an Academy Award.
You better look it up, man.
It's called Fargo.
Right, but you said "Argo.'
Right. And John Goodman
is in it. Look it up.
Well, this is exciting.
And it's tonight?
PIGEON: What's tonight?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-What was that?
-Oh, the applause?
I had that installed.
The alarm guy was here
and I gave him a couple
of bills to put this in.
There's a speaker
under the sink.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
But, seriously,
what's tonight?
We have all been invited
to have dinner
in the home of none other
than the great character
actor, John Goodman.
Dinner at John Goodman's, huh?
I guess we shouldn't count on
any leftovers.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Where are these sensors?
Oh, hey. Whose idea was it
to bring these vegetables?
Not John Goodman,
that's for sure.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay, can you turn that off?
I have a better idea.
Why don't I turn you on?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)
Ugh!
One day, I swear to God,
I'm gonna
break his little neck
and bury him in the backyard.
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
PIGEON: The audience
does not like you, Yung.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Michael, you didn't wanna
wear something different?
Oh, damn.
Well, now what are you
gonna do with that?
Well, I'll just leave it here.
I bet I never have to wear
that ugly-ass tracksuit again.
Ooh, nice bush.
Ugh!
Oh, hi. Welcome.
What
You're not John Goodman.
-Gil Zakaryan.
-Yeah. Gil Zakaryan.
Not John Goodman.
Hey, Gil. I hope you and Helen
like the crudite platter.
I'm so glad
we're finally doing this.
Oh! What is that?
Oh, yeah. I didn't know what
to put in that middle part
so I just did butter.
Who doesn't like butter,
right?
So, Gil, what is it
that you do for a living?
I was telling these guys
you're in The Big Lebowski.
Oh, I'm a radiologist,
although Helen keeps
asking me to retire.
She wants to travel more.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I could see both sides.
Oh, Gil, did we already say
what you did for a living?
Yes. Radiology.
That's right.
Then we talked about Helen
wanting to travel more.
Oh, my lord.
-Can I have another drink?
-(TIMER DINGS)
What the f--- is that?
Oh, that's just telling me
to take the salmon
out of the oven.
Oh, good. We're having salmon.
Does anybody else's salmon
tastes weird, like,
it's fishy, like it's rotten?
(STAMMERS) It's delicious.
Yours tastes just like mine,
Marquess.
I'm so sorry. I could get you
something else.
No, I don't want you
to have to go
through a lot of trouble.
What kind of cereal
do you got?
Um, we have
a bran type with raisins.
I think we have granola
and maybe some muesli.
I'll take the muesli.
So, Mike, what are you doing
these days?
Oh, not much.
Watch reality television,
hang out.
I eat, I sleep,
I drive around sometimes,
I go for walks, go for runs,
fishing, hiking,
long walks on the beach
just holding hands,
maybe a quiet dinner sometime.
No strings attached.
In the end, it's not the years
you put in life that count,
it's the life you put
in the years that count.
Um, Michael has a mystery team
that we are all part of.
Mysteries? Oh,
that's got to be interesting.
Nope.
You know, we've got
a little mystery ourselves.
This was our son's bedroom,
but when he went away
to college,
we decided to convert it
into a home office.
I mean, I've always
wanted to write a book
about my experiences
as a radiologist.
Oh, can I pre-order that?
(LAUGHS)
We just got
the carpeting done.
Cost a fortune.
That and those blinds.
But, Helen was in charge
of all that
and I'm not supposed
to ask any questions,
just write the checks.
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS) Is the mystery
why Helen thinks
louvered blinds
are still a thing?
Oh, no. Oh, damn,
I missed my mouth.
Who has a paper towel? Anyone?
I'll get it.
So, long story short
What is the point
of saying that?
No one ever says anything
short enough.
And saying that takes up
even more time.
Christ, why am I talking? Now
I'm wasting all of our time,
and I'm sorry for that,
but at least I don't preface
taking up all of our time
by saying, "I'm not gonna
take up all of our time."
And yes, I'd f--- Helen.
But first, pants her,
and spank that shitty cook
for that meal. (CHUCKLES)
That salmon, awful!
I mean, just awful.
I'm sorry for you, Gil.
Spent all day radiologing,
whatever the f--- that is,
and then you come home
to a meal like that? Awful!
That's better.
So, as I was saying,
this was going to be
this home office,
and we can't get
the Internet in here.
And I've called
the cable company,
and they gave me a booster,
and then
they reset the router,
and they say
the signal is strong,
so, it's a mystery.
No Internet.
That's our mystery!
The real mystery is
where your wife went
for that paper towel.
Did she go
to the corner store?
I mean, if I knew she was
going to the corner store,
I would've had her pick me up
some rubbers
and a pack of smokes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What? How is that
happening here?
Don't get hung up
on the logic, just enjoy it.
It's fun. We're having fun.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Here's the thing,
John Goodman.
I wanna help you
with your mystery, right?
I really do.
But I don't like mixing
business and friendship.
You and your wife, Gil,
you guys mean the world to me,
you know?
I'm not saying no.
I'm just saying
let me think about it, okay?
Damn, motherf----- damn!
My crudite platter.
-Let's go, let's go!
-Dad, slow down!
Why do you need
your crudite platter so bad?
Yung, that was a gift
from your mother.
-My mother?
-What?
She left two things
at my doorstep.
You and that crudite platter,
and she said,
"Take equal care of both."
You've never said any of this.
What else did she say?
I don't know.
After that, it was all a blur.
But I made her a promise,
and I'm gonna
honor that promise
for the rest of my life.
Michael, can't we just
get it tomorrow?
No. If we go over there
in the light of day,
they'll want us to solve
their Internet mystery,
and I don't know
s--- about electronics.
And then that guy
will be disappointed,
and I'll lose my only friend
in the whole world.
Uh, "only friend"?
What about us?
That's a one-way friendship.
You guys like me,
but with the other guy,
we like each other.
He's a radiologist.
I esteem him.
All right, get down in there.
What? What for?
We'll get under their house,
tunnel up,
and get the platter,
and nobody'll be the wiser.
We can't just climb
into a window, Marquess.
Somebody will see us.
And I'm a celebrity,
and that shit will be all over
TMZ, man.
And guess what then?
No more Mike Tyson Mysteries.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What, that's not funny?
I thought I thought
that was supposed to be funny.
Here you go, little buddy.
Oh, thank you for placing me
directly into this
fecal matter.
Hmm, now, what pipe would lead
directly into
their living room?
Yeah, you'd think
they'd be marked.
Ooh, here we go.
What? What on Earth is this?
(SOFTLY) Wait here.
I'll go get the platter.
Why do they have a staircase
to the sewer?
(SOFTLY) She didn't
even wash it.
Do you guys hear that?
This doesn't look
like 75 kilos.
Explain yourself!
Is it safe to talk here?
The Feds,
they can listen anywhere.
It's safe. I had
signal scrambles installed.
I know it's working because
we have no Internet
in the room above us.
My f------ husband
keeps bitching about it.
Okay. Okay.
We're having supply problems
in Acuna.
Everything is going
through Laredo,
and it's a nightmare.
Hey, excuses
are like assholes,
everyone's got one.
MIKE:
Oh, damn, she's a drug dealer.
Hey, policia!
You son of a
(YELLING)
The gun battle went on
for 20 minutes.
Helen, who I knew as a wife,
a mother, a great cook,
a talented home decorator,
but who the Zetas cartel
knew as La Diabla,
was killed.
Shot 14 times.
As a radiologist, I use
imaging techniques to see
even the smallest
evidence of disease,
yet as a husband I was blind
to something
even more insidious.
To make a long story short
Oh, my God.
My wife was using our home
as the cocaine
distribution hub
for the entire
Western United States.
The end.
He said, "The end."
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MARQUESS: What Michael,
you don't wanna wear
something different again?
Oh. Oh, my God.
Why don't you
just wear the tux
so you don't need
the tracksuit?
Is this because you're
trying to be James Bond?
You are, aren't you? Okay.
Take the shoes off.
Michael? Okay, there you go.
You should do that first
and then this would be
a lot easier.
Do you need some help?
Hmm? Okay.
Fix your sleeve.
On your jacket.
Can you fix it?
There you go No.
You didn't do it.
Michael?
So no shoes? Just a tux
with white socks.
All right. It is what it is.