Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e12 Episode Script

At the Car Wash

Good afternoon, Boss.
Can I hook you up
with a supreme
You don't need to sell me
any of that supreme shit.
I just need
the regular wash, okay?
Just a regular wash,
the $9.99 one.
Yeah, okay, boss.
No Armor All for the tires?
Yeah, hit 'em
with the high-gloss
tire spray, man.
Make them shine
like new money.
I like that sexy, wet,
jet-black, high shine.
Okay, how about a wax?
The supreme wash comes
with a wax for the paint
that protects the car
from oxidation and corrosion.
No, I just want
that regular wash
with the tire spray.
So, you're not worried
about the oxidation?
Oh, I'm worried about it.
This is an older vehicle.
I'm also worried
about corrosion.
Is that something
you talked about
or was I just
thinking that out?
I don't know, but either way
the supreme wash will
take care of the corrosion
and the oxidation.
Plus you get
to pick your scent.
I don't want any of that shit.
I just want shiny tires,
a wax,
and an apple cinnamon smell.
But no steam clean
today, Boss?
Damn, fool, yes, steam clean!
My Lord, how long
does it take for a regular,
basic car wash?
-Here you go, dear.
-Thank you.
Hmm? No,
I don't need that Okay.
-I'm Marquess.
Everything okay?
Yes. Yes, I'm fine.
No, I'm not fine.
I just found out I'm pregnant
and when I told Adam,
he's my boyfriend,
he just completely shut down.
I mean, he didn't
say anything. Not a word.
Just walked out the door.
He's one of those nice guys
that never yells.
We never argued. Never.
But every once in a while,
Adam could say something
so heartless.
I mean, I always said
he was missing
a sensitivity chip,
but he was never
intentionally cruel, but
I don't know.
You find out your girlfriend
is pregnant and you just
I don't know anyone
in Las Vegas.
We met online six months ago,
and just went for it, and
I know he loves me,
I really do. I'm just
I'm so scared
to be alone right now.
What am I going to do?
Damn, it looks good!
All that for $9.99?
It was $93.
Yeah, but I can smell
that cinnamon apple from here.
So imagine how strong it is
when I get inside the van!
Ooh, damn! I don't have
any cash for a tip.
Anybody got a one?
Hey, lady, you got a one?
I've paid by credit card.
You got one dollar?
I only have a ten.
That's fine. I'm a celeb
that should tip big anyway.
Let's go, team.
MARQUESS: Michael!
We have to help this woman!
-What woman?
-The woman you
just took $10 from.
She gave me $10, Marquess.
In any event,
she is desperate for help
and we should give it to her.
Ask Pigeon what he thinks.
-Where is he?
-MAN: Hey, man!
Is this your bird?
He got sucked up
when we were vacuuming.
I don't know if he's dead
or what, but he messed up
our vacuum cleaner pretty bad.
What happened?
-He's fine.
Yung, what do you think?
I, uh I kinda think
this is more of a job
for a couples' counselor.
Okay, so that's
a "no" from Yung,
a "yes" from Marquess,
and an "abstained"
from Pigeon.
So I guess
I'm the swing vote, huh?
All that pressure, damn!
Now I know what it feels like
to be like Supreme Court
Justice Anthony Kennedy.
All eyes on you.
Which way do you go?
Which way do you go?
I guess I vote "yes!"
Thanks for letting us
go in your car, lady,
because it's like our car
just got cleaned.
My car just got cleaned.
Yeah, but I don't know
if you're a dirty person
or you like to eat
in the car, you know?
I am what they call
a clean freak.
You mind if I look in here
and just poke around?
I'm also what they call
a nosy Nellie!
What the (BLEEP) is this?
"For relief from itching
associated with moderate
"to severe bacterial
skin infection."
Is yours moderate or severe?
This is where Adam works.
He's the produce manager.
Yeah, there's no Adam here.
-Is he on break?
-Mmm-mmm. Nobody
named Adam works here.
What? Him! Adam!
He's worked here
for over a year.
Yeah, no,
I've never seen that guy.
I don't understand.
Why would Adam lie to me?
Sir, you're gonna have
to pay for that.
Oh, um, I had this with me
when I came in.
I brought this cereal with me
from my house.
Hey, lady, you got
another ten?
Where would he go every day?
Well, there's obviously
a lot more to the story.
Not necessarily.
This just might be
where the story ends.
unresolved, disturbing.
Well, nice to meet you, ma'am.
Can you give us a ride
back to the car wash?
I should've voted "no!"
I should've been
Justice Elena Kagan,
or Justice Samuel Alito,
hopelessly partisan!
Where are we?
You're at a secret
military installation.
I'm Dr. Sakti Chakrabarti,
head of DARPA.
What the (BLEEP) is that?
The Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency.
No Chaky-saka-baty?
-What is that?
-My name.
Oh, okay.
And what the (BLEEP) is DARPA?
Dad, she just said
what it was.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
Defense something, something.
And her name
is Atari Pentagraph.
I got it.
I'm up to date, yeah.
I'm up to date, gang.
Please continue.
For the past 20 years,
we have been working
on artificial intelligence
defense systems.
543 days ago
we had a breakthrough,
and we called it Adam.
Adam. Where is he?
Meet Adam.
Advanced Dynamic
Android Machine.
-He can't hear you.
He's uploading
all of his experiences,
just as he does every day.
Hmm. He can upload
his experiences into me
any day of the week,
and twice on Sunday.
(LAUGHS) No, I'm sorry.
I'm just saying, that body!
What are you saying?
He's a robot?
That's a crude word
for what he is.
Adam is A.I.
Artificial Intelligence.
Ooh, like a Roomba.
-Not really.
-Agree to disagree.
Well, what does this
have to do with me?
Why did you choose me
to be his girlfriend?
We didn't choose you, he did.
Adam is
a fully-autonomous being.
That's the definition of A.I.
By some measures,
he is as human
as you or I.
Of course, he lacks
sensitivity and empathy.
He is a machine, after all.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
You said "sensitivity chip",
and you were right!
I see what you're saying.
He's like a washing machine.
No, he's nothing like
a washing machine.
Your Roomba example
was actually closer
to what he is.
Then why did you
jump down my throat
when I said it?
Doctor, Adam
is uploading something
I think you should see.
That can't be!
You're pregnant?
Yes. Oh, my God!
Is there something wrong
with my baby?
You mean our baby.
That child belongs to
the United States Government.
No! This is Adam's
and my baby.
I don't care
what you say he is.
He's the father of this child
and we're going
to be a family!
Oh, like C-3PO
and his little baby, R2-D2.
Take Anne to the clinic
for observation.
-And kill the rest.
What the (BLEEP)?
Stay away from her.
You will never harm Anne
or Anne's friends ever.
ANNE: Mmm.
Good thing he thought
we were Anne's friends.
Uh, me next! (LAUGHS)
Kidding. Kinda.
I bet that baby's gonna be
something cool like
an iPod or a Fitbit,
but no matter what
it's gonna have
problems fitting in,
especially middle school.
Kids can be so cruel.
You were picked on
a lot, right, Pigeon?
Oh, damn! Pigeon's still
in that sealed plastic bag
in the van.
I hope he's okay.
You can stop struggling.
The fight is over.
The pain has passed.
PIGEON: Oh Where am I?
You're in heaven.
You're going to
experience ecstasy like
you've never known.
We'll begin slowly
in the orgy room.
Would you like a condom?
I'm just kidding. In heaven,
you can ejaculate
wherever you please.
MIKE: Pigeon!
He's alive!
Why the hell did you do that?
I was about to ejaculate
all over heaven!
Hmm, been there, done that.
Trust me, it gets old
real fast.
Everyone making
pearly gay jokes.
I mean, it's not clever,
people. It's vulgar.
I saved your life, dude!
You owe me.
Ooh, I'm gonna make
you pay back slow.
You're a (BLEEP) pigeon.
You're gonna wish
you died in this bag
with all the shit
I'm gonna make you do for me.
No more paying for car wash
for Mike Tyson,
that's for sure.
Wow! What an honor
to be invited into
the delivery room.
You're the closest thing
we have to family.
Hmm, that's sad.
It's coming!
What the (BLEEP) is that?
-I don't know,
but it ain't no Fitbit.
MIKE: Oh, we getting
the (BLEEP) outta here!
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