Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e11 Episode Script
Spring Break
1
(BELLS PLAYING MELODY)
(BELLS CONTINUE)
Whoa!
Oh, hi, I'm Cassie.
Well, charmed, I'm sure.
I'm Richard.
Since this is obviously
some sort of an erotic dream,
why don't you go ahead
and slip out of those little
shorts of yours? (CHUCKLES)
Yung didn't tell me
she had a pet bird.
You're so cute!
I'm an animal lover.
Yeah? Well, you're about to be
an animal (BLEEP), see?
-(CHUCKLES)
-YUNG HEE: Oh, hey, Cassie.
Yung, get out
of my dream,
you're ruining it!
I just met
your little bird.
Yeah, well, I'm big
where it counts, honey.
In my drawers, sister!
-(PIGEON GRUNTS)
-Come inside.
I'll "come inside."
MARQUESS: (HUMMING) Hmm?
Hey, Dad.
This is my friend Cassie
that I told you about.
Hi, nice to meet you, Cassie.
Oh, and this is
our butler, Marquess.
What?
I'm not your butler.
What are you talking about?
You just made me a sandwich.
You do all the cleaning.
You wear that butler outfit.
You got that
fake British accent.
Oh, my God. Okay,
lovely to meet you, Cassie.
Now, what are you girls
up to today, hmm?
Cassie came over
to help me pack for our trip.
What trip?
Spring break.
We're going to Miami.
-Come on, Cassie.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No soda pops
in your room.
We don't want ants.
Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)
Sure. Yeah.
Ah! I'm impressed, Michael.
Letting Yung go to Miami
with a friend.
Oh, (BLEEP).
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come back here, young lady.
What is this I hear
about me letting you
go to Miami with a friend?
Uh I don't know.
Did Did you hear that?
Oh, I sure did.
I don't like it,
but I heard it.
So, are we clear,
young lady?
Yeah?
Crystal clear?
Crystal clear.
Well, all right then.
You girls have fun.
I'm just so glad
we had a talk.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about these sodas?
Don't just leave them
sitting around, open,
for ants to drink.
Take them up
in your room.
Butler, draw my bath.
What?
I don't want to tell you
how to do your job, Marquess,
but maybe next time,
less bubbles.
Mmm.
What are you guys
doing out here?
-Nothing. Literally nothing.
-(MARQUESS EXCLAIMS)
Just standing here.
We weren't even talking.
Wh What?
(EXCLAIMS)
I was talking to you!
I was telling you about
when I was an altar boy,
and Father Ferdinand
took me up to the belfry
and made me
I can't say it again.
(SOBBING) It was hard
enough saying it once.
Hey, guys,
help me find a mystery
that takes place in Miami.
Wait Michael!
We're not going
on spring break with Yung.
We're not going to Miami
on spring break.
We're going to Miami
to solve a mystery.
Hey, what the hell are you
winking at me for,
Father Ferdinand?
(SCOFFS)
(GIRLS LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY)
What are they doing up there?
Huh?
Oh, Yung and Cassie?
-I think they're
trying on swimsuits.
-What the (BLEEP)?
Why didn't you tell me that
instead of wasting all my time
with that awful
molestation tale?
How dare you!
God damn it.
I can't see a (BLEEP) thing.
-(GIRLS GIGGLING)
-Fly, you dumb
piece of (BLEEP). Fly!
(GROANS) Screw it.
Found one.
What? You really
found a mystery that
takes place in Miami?
No, Cuba.
But that's right next door.
-(GIRLS EXCLAIM)
-CASSIE: Oh! A pigeon!
(PIGEON LAUGHING)
YUNG HEE: Oh! Get out!
(PIGEON EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
It was worth it.
So, basically, we would like
your help
in transitioning away from
communism to capitalism.
But do this in a way
that does not make it seem
like we are backpedaling
or admitting a mistake.
We don't want to hear,
"I told you so."
I mean, we really
don't want to hear that, okay?
This, "I told you so." Please.
No one likes to hear,
"I told you so."
Nobody likes to hear,
"I told you so."
So, how do you want
to proceed?
Well, normally, what we do
when we take on a new mystery
is hear about the mystery,
which we just did.
So, we can check that
off the list.
Then we shift into
our period of reflection,
which you just got
a little taste of
when we got quiet.
And it was like,
"Who's gonna talk next?"
And that period
could last anywhere from
a few minutes to a few days.
What's your mystery again?
Hmm. We want to switch from
a central-planned economy
to more like
a free-market system.
But, like, without saying
we are really doing that.
You know what I mean?
Okay, cool.
So, your mystery is more
complicated than most.
So, I'm gonna
definitely estimate
in a few days of reflection.
We'll be in Miami for the
next couple of days for spring
break, and we'll call you.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You must stay in Cuba
until the job is done.
We will put you up in one of
our finest government-run
boarding houses.
Oh, well, if it is as nice
as this office,
then it's gonna be
a piece of (BLEEP).
You know, just like this
office is a piece of (BLEEP)?
I think this office
is just a
This is really
the presidential office?
And you are only now wondering
if you should rethink
your economic system?
Okay, I think
we need to have a rule,
that from now on,
we don't go on a mystery
until all of us
have read the mystery,
because I don't even
understand this one.
It seems like it's more
for an economics team,
or a bunch of diplomats.
It also seems dangerous.
I'm pretty sure we're under
house arrest right now,
and you know
they torture people here.
These Castros,
they seem cute
and eccentric,
with their cigars and their
mustaches, but they
torture people. They do.
Yeah. Anyone who doesn't
agree with them.
Poets, artists,
political dissidents.
They lock them up. Really.
Yeah, I read it.
I read it in Vanity Fair.
(PIGEON INHALES)
(EXHALES AND COUGHS)
(COUGHING)
(SPITS)
Oh, my God.
Okay, Michael,
what is our What?
-(MAN GROANING)
-(GASPS)
(GASPS) Michael!
Come on!
We gotta get to Miami.
MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS) We have
been walking for seven hours.
Do you have any idea
where we are?
I bet we're on
the outskirts of Miami.
Like, probably around
Key Biscayne.
Or Tampa.
Yeah, this looks like Tampa.
-I bet we're closer
to Haiti than Tampa.
-(RUMBLING)
(MARQUESS GASPS)
(ALL YELLING)
MARQUESS: Quick! Grab my hand!
Grab my hand. Pigeon!
-Whoa.
-(MARQUESS SCREAMING)
Oh, that was Marquess?
I thought it was maybe
a snake or something.
Like, a jungle snake.
But I guess it was Marquess.
He was with us, wasn't he?
Oh, we must be in Orlando.
That's Epcot.
Yeah, maybe.
Probably not, though, because
we never crossed the ocean.
You know what that's gotta be?
That's Guantanamo Bay.
Oh, shit.
He can't hear me,
he ran off.
(EXHALES)
Ah
I should make this
a regular thing that I do.
Very pleasurable.
(COUGHING)
(SPITS)
You won't believe it, Pigeon.
-That was not Epcot.
-I believe it.
And these wonderful men
were caged up like animals.
The poets, the artists that
Marquess was talking about.
I do not believe that part.
I said, "Hey, you guys
wanna be free?"
And then I just ripped
a hole in the fence,
and they just started
pouring out of there,
scattering in all directions.
PRISONER: Khaled, everyone!
We've got our boats.
Hey, your guys
have room for two more?
Of course, Mike Tyson.
You set us free.
We will never forget
whose side you are really on.
Hey, fellas,
let me ask you something.
Were any of you
tortured back there?
I mean, that Cuban government
is bad news.
I'm kind of glad we didn't
help solve their mystery.
-(GROANS, EXCLAIMS)
-(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(MARQUESS GASPING)
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
(GRUNTS)
I'm so thirsty. Give me that.
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
(GASPS)
I've drunk nothing
but my own urine
for the past three days.
So, so much urine!
If I never have
another sip of urine again,
it will be too soon.
ALL: (CHEERING)
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
YUNG HEE: Marquess?
Marquess!
(GASPS)
Yung!
Oh, thank God.
You have no idea
what I have been through.
There are so many sharks
between here and Cuba.
I mean, it's all sharks.
You can just walk
on their backs. I don't
I don't know why
I built a raft.
What were you doing in Cuba?
What?
Solving a mystery.
Well, then,
where's Dad and Pigeon?
MIKE: How long
were we in that boat?
I don't know. I fell asleep.
It felt like six
or seven days.
Damn, looks like Miami
hasn't recovered
from the recession.
Oh, wait. This is
way too shitty to be Miami.
This gotta be Jacksonville.
But we're close, Pigeon.
Jacksonville isn't too far
from Miami.
Let's start walking.
-(GUNS FIRING INDISTINCTLY)
-(MAN SPEAKING ARABIC)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(BELLS PLAYING MELODY)
(BELLS CONTINUE)
Whoa!
Oh, hi, I'm Cassie.
Well, charmed, I'm sure.
I'm Richard.
Since this is obviously
some sort of an erotic dream,
why don't you go ahead
and slip out of those little
shorts of yours? (CHUCKLES)
Yung didn't tell me
she had a pet bird.
You're so cute!
I'm an animal lover.
Yeah? Well, you're about to be
an animal (BLEEP), see?
-(CHUCKLES)
-YUNG HEE: Oh, hey, Cassie.
Yung, get out
of my dream,
you're ruining it!
I just met
your little bird.
Yeah, well, I'm big
where it counts, honey.
In my drawers, sister!
-(PIGEON GRUNTS)
-Come inside.
I'll "come inside."
MARQUESS: (HUMMING) Hmm?
Hey, Dad.
This is my friend Cassie
that I told you about.
Hi, nice to meet you, Cassie.
Oh, and this is
our butler, Marquess.
What?
I'm not your butler.
What are you talking about?
You just made me a sandwich.
You do all the cleaning.
You wear that butler outfit.
You got that
fake British accent.
Oh, my God. Okay,
lovely to meet you, Cassie.
Now, what are you girls
up to today, hmm?
Cassie came over
to help me pack for our trip.
What trip?
Spring break.
We're going to Miami.
-Come on, Cassie.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No soda pops
in your room.
We don't want ants.
Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)
Sure. Yeah.
Ah! I'm impressed, Michael.
Letting Yung go to Miami
with a friend.
Oh, (BLEEP).
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come back here, young lady.
What is this I hear
about me letting you
go to Miami with a friend?
Uh I don't know.
Did Did you hear that?
Oh, I sure did.
I don't like it,
but I heard it.
So, are we clear,
young lady?
Yeah?
Crystal clear?
Crystal clear.
Well, all right then.
You girls have fun.
I'm just so glad
we had a talk.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about these sodas?
Don't just leave them
sitting around, open,
for ants to drink.
Take them up
in your room.
Butler, draw my bath.
What?
I don't want to tell you
how to do your job, Marquess,
but maybe next time,
less bubbles.
Mmm.
What are you guys
doing out here?
-Nothing. Literally nothing.
-(MARQUESS EXCLAIMS)
Just standing here.
We weren't even talking.
Wh What?
(EXCLAIMS)
I was talking to you!
I was telling you about
when I was an altar boy,
and Father Ferdinand
took me up to the belfry
and made me
I can't say it again.
(SOBBING) It was hard
enough saying it once.
Hey, guys,
help me find a mystery
that takes place in Miami.
Wait Michael!
We're not going
on spring break with Yung.
We're not going to Miami
on spring break.
We're going to Miami
to solve a mystery.
Hey, what the hell are you
winking at me for,
Father Ferdinand?
(SCOFFS)
(GIRLS LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY)
What are they doing up there?
Huh?
Oh, Yung and Cassie?
-I think they're
trying on swimsuits.
-What the (BLEEP)?
Why didn't you tell me that
instead of wasting all my time
with that awful
molestation tale?
How dare you!
God damn it.
I can't see a (BLEEP) thing.
-(GIRLS GIGGLING)
-Fly, you dumb
piece of (BLEEP). Fly!
(GROANS) Screw it.
Found one.
What? You really
found a mystery that
takes place in Miami?
No, Cuba.
But that's right next door.
-(GIRLS EXCLAIM)
-CASSIE: Oh! A pigeon!
(PIGEON LAUGHING)
YUNG HEE: Oh! Get out!
(PIGEON EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
It was worth it.
So, basically, we would like
your help
in transitioning away from
communism to capitalism.
But do this in a way
that does not make it seem
like we are backpedaling
or admitting a mistake.
We don't want to hear,
"I told you so."
I mean, we really
don't want to hear that, okay?
This, "I told you so." Please.
No one likes to hear,
"I told you so."
Nobody likes to hear,
"I told you so."
So, how do you want
to proceed?
Well, normally, what we do
when we take on a new mystery
is hear about the mystery,
which we just did.
So, we can check that
off the list.
Then we shift into
our period of reflection,
which you just got
a little taste of
when we got quiet.
And it was like,
"Who's gonna talk next?"
And that period
could last anywhere from
a few minutes to a few days.
What's your mystery again?
Hmm. We want to switch from
a central-planned economy
to more like
a free-market system.
But, like, without saying
we are really doing that.
You know what I mean?
Okay, cool.
So, your mystery is more
complicated than most.
So, I'm gonna
definitely estimate
in a few days of reflection.
We'll be in Miami for the
next couple of days for spring
break, and we'll call you.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You must stay in Cuba
until the job is done.
We will put you up in one of
our finest government-run
boarding houses.
Oh, well, if it is as nice
as this office,
then it's gonna be
a piece of (BLEEP).
You know, just like this
office is a piece of (BLEEP)?
I think this office
is just a
This is really
the presidential office?
And you are only now wondering
if you should rethink
your economic system?
Okay, I think
we need to have a rule,
that from now on,
we don't go on a mystery
until all of us
have read the mystery,
because I don't even
understand this one.
It seems like it's more
for an economics team,
or a bunch of diplomats.
It also seems dangerous.
I'm pretty sure we're under
house arrest right now,
and you know
they torture people here.
These Castros,
they seem cute
and eccentric,
with their cigars and their
mustaches, but they
torture people. They do.
Yeah. Anyone who doesn't
agree with them.
Poets, artists,
political dissidents.
They lock them up. Really.
Yeah, I read it.
I read it in Vanity Fair.
(PIGEON INHALES)
(EXHALES AND COUGHS)
(COUGHING)
(SPITS)
Oh, my God.
Okay, Michael,
what is our What?
-(MAN GROANING)
-(GASPS)
(GASPS) Michael!
Come on!
We gotta get to Miami.
MARQUESS: (EXCLAIMS) We have
been walking for seven hours.
Do you have any idea
where we are?
I bet we're on
the outskirts of Miami.
Like, probably around
Key Biscayne.
Or Tampa.
Yeah, this looks like Tampa.
-I bet we're closer
to Haiti than Tampa.
-(RUMBLING)
(MARQUESS GASPS)
(ALL YELLING)
MARQUESS: Quick! Grab my hand!
Grab my hand. Pigeon!
-Whoa.
-(MARQUESS SCREAMING)
Oh, that was Marquess?
I thought it was maybe
a snake or something.
Like, a jungle snake.
But I guess it was Marquess.
He was with us, wasn't he?
Oh, we must be in Orlando.
That's Epcot.
Yeah, maybe.
Probably not, though, because
we never crossed the ocean.
You know what that's gotta be?
That's Guantanamo Bay.
Oh, shit.
He can't hear me,
he ran off.
(EXHALES)
Ah
I should make this
a regular thing that I do.
Very pleasurable.
(COUGHING)
(SPITS)
You won't believe it, Pigeon.
-That was not Epcot.
-I believe it.
And these wonderful men
were caged up like animals.
The poets, the artists that
Marquess was talking about.
I do not believe that part.
I said, "Hey, you guys
wanna be free?"
And then I just ripped
a hole in the fence,
and they just started
pouring out of there,
scattering in all directions.
PRISONER: Khaled, everyone!
We've got our boats.
Hey, your guys
have room for two more?
Of course, Mike Tyson.
You set us free.
We will never forget
whose side you are really on.
Hey, fellas,
let me ask you something.
Were any of you
tortured back there?
I mean, that Cuban government
is bad news.
I'm kind of glad we didn't
help solve their mystery.
-(GROANS, EXCLAIMS)
-(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(MARQUESS GASPING)
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
(GRUNTS)
I'm so thirsty. Give me that.
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
(GASPS)
I've drunk nothing
but my own urine
for the past three days.
So, so much urine!
If I never have
another sip of urine again,
it will be too soon.
ALL: (CHEERING)
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
YUNG HEE: Marquess?
Marquess!
(GASPS)
Yung!
Oh, thank God.
You have no idea
what I have been through.
There are so many sharks
between here and Cuba.
I mean, it's all sharks.
You can just walk
on their backs. I don't
I don't know why
I built a raft.
What were you doing in Cuba?
What?
Solving a mystery.
Well, then,
where's Dad and Pigeon?
MIKE: How long
were we in that boat?
I don't know. I fell asleep.
It felt like six
or seven days.
Damn, looks like Miami
hasn't recovered
from the recession.
Oh, wait. This is
way too shitty to be Miami.
This gotta be Jacksonville.
But we're close, Pigeon.
Jacksonville isn't too far
from Miami.
Let's start walking.
-(GUNS FIRING INDISTINCTLY)
-(MAN SPEAKING ARABIC)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)