Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e10 Episode Script
A Dog's Life
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, everybody,
you know what time it is?
Mystery time.
But it's also 11:08,
no, 11:09.
Well, it's actually
12:35, so
Did you just take a shower?
Yeah, why?
Well, we have
a bird bath outside.
A bird
(BLEEP) you, Marquess.
I also used the toilet
and left you
a little surprise in there.
Oh, and I also ejaculated
all over your toothbrush,
so why don't you go
clean it off
in your precious bird bath?
Well, someone woke up
on the wrong side of the nest.
Yung?
We have a new mystery.
YUNG HEE: (PANTING)
Yeah, just, uh
Just give me one second.
(CONTINUES PANTING)
What are you doing in there?
YUNG HEE:
Nothing, I'm, just
I'm almost done.
(GASPS)
(WHISPERS)
Is she masturbating?
(GROANS) Oh,
and I just jacked off.
Come on, come on out of there.
Ah, wake up.
Pigeon, stop.
Let's just go.
No way. I'm going in there.
-I want to watch.
-No!
Hey, need a hand?
Pigeon!
You're exercising?
(SCOFFS) You know what?
I'm glad I just jacked off.
-Ugh.
-(PIGEON SIGHS)
Come on, team,
it's mystery time.
YUNG HEE: I'm so excited
the mystery is going
to be in San Francisco.
Damn, this is going to be fun.
Fisherman's Wharf,
cable cars,
the Wailing Wall
I love San Francisco.
Aw, man.
Hell, maybe we can get tickets
to the Sydney Opera House.
Well, Dad, don't forget we
also have to solve a mystery.
Yeah, but this is going
to be a quick one.
This lady says
her dog doesn't like
her new boyfriend.
Trust me, we'll be in and out,
and even if we don't solve it
it doesn't matter,
because it's a stupid mystery.
Thanks for coming.
We thought you might think
this was a stupid mystery.
Oh, there's no such thing
as a stupid mystery, sir.
(CHUCKLES)
Can I get anyone anything?
I'll take some Rice-A-Roni.
Oh, uh, I'm not sure
if we have that.
I'll bet you do.
It's the San Francisco treat.
Let's all look.
So, Phillip,
your girlfriend's dog
doesn't like you?
That's putting it mildly.
I can't even be
in the same room with him.
Lydia took the little bastard
out for a walk
so I could at least
talk to you in peace.
How is the dog with Lydia?
Oh, Max loves Lydia,
he follows her everywhere.
(BLEEP) it.
Make me some gazpacho.
This is a stupid mystery.
(DOOR OPENING)
(BARKING AND GROWLING)
God damn it. See?
Max, no.
-(CONTINUES BARKING)
-No, Max, no.
I'm going to go upstairs.
We appreciate you coming.
You know, we met dog trainers,
pet therapists, nothing works.
And Phillip's
the sweetest man in the world.
It just doesn't make any sense
why Max doesn't like him.
Do you think that
when you're not around
maybe Phillip puts
weird objects up
Max's little butthole?
Oh, my God.
What? That would account
for the hostility.
I'm going to make myself
some Rice-A-Roni.
-(GASPS)
-Does anyone want some?
You have to have it
while you're in San Francisco.
MIKE: The pantry!
It's written
in the city charter.
I don't mean
to be insensitive,
but have you considered
finding Max another home?
I could never part with Max.
He came into my life
when I needed him the most.
You see, I was married before.
Andrew.
But he died tragically.
You best stir that, Lydia.
Oh, right.
(BARKS)
Then this little guy showed up
on my doorstep
when I was at my lowest.
He was like
a gift from heaven.
And now I've met Phillip
and I'm finally in love again.
I just don't know what to do.
I know what you could do.
You could fluff that rice
and then maybe get started
on the main course.
I think Phillip is making
some gazpacho
so we're gonna have
plenty of sides.
You know what, Phillip?
Don't offer to make gazpacho
if you're not going to make
gazpacho, all right?
Did anyone notice
what I noticed?
Yeah, that Lydia
has got a real pair of
(BLEEP) sucking lips.
-No.
-No?
-No.
-Oh, okay.
No, that that photo of Andrew
looked an awful lot like Max.
The dog? Well, wait,
what are you saying?
I believe that Andrew
missed Lydia so much
he found a way
to be reincarnated.
She said it herself.
She said the dog was sent
from heaven.
(GASPS) So that would explain
why he hates
her new boyfriend.
Where the (BLEEP)
is the Mystery Mobile?
This is where we parked.
(SIRENS WAILING)
You know what, I think
this was a happy accident.
Yeah, maybe not for whoever
just got put
in that ambulance.
Because now we get
to ride in the cable car.
-(BELL RINGS)
-Ooh, feel that wind!
That's why they call it
the Windy City.
Dad, be careful.
Who's the parent here, Yung?
Ooh. Can we get
some ice cream later?
You already had dessert.
So, now what do we do?
Do we tell Lydia that her dog
is her late husband?
Not yet.
I want to be sure.
I have a friend, Brianna.
She's in my spin class,
she's a medium.
She knows all
about the afterlife
and is able to communicate
with the spirit world.
I thought
you could communicate
with the spirit world.
Well, I can,
but it's hard
and I have to, like, scrunch
my face to concentrate
and my brow lines
are getting so deep.
And then I'd have to
get fillers
Then I get filler face.
You know what?
I'd rather just call Brianna.
Pigeon, give me your phone.
Oh, what a pretty screensaver.
What is that, an orchid?
It's Lydia's vagina.
I snagged an up-skirt
before we left.
-My God!
-Yeah, I know.
These Bay Area hippies.
(LAUGHS)
They don't wear underwear,
I guess.
Okay
Brianna?
(SQUEALS) It's Marquess.
Hey, girl.
MIKE: Oh, whoa!
Dad!
(GASPS) Get out,
what are you doing
in San Francisco?
MIKE: I'm okay, I'm catching
up with you soon.
What! (GASPS) Brianna.
I thought you
broke up with him.
(CHUCKLES) So, where are you?
MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
I think we're near the Wharf!
(LAUGHS) Love it.
Cocktail hour.
See you soon.
She's here!
In your face, Yung.
Mmm, so good.
Oh, whoa!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
I don't think it was
very responsible of you
to drink so much.
We still have
to solve a mystery.
Oh, please.
I had two mojitos.
Oh, and we both took Ecstasy.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
MARQUESS:
You are so bad!
BRIANNA: You're bad!
BRIANNA: Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm, is that right?
Well, that's interesting.
Okay, tell me more about that.
Oh, I see, wow. Uh-huh.
Now that's a real wow.
Uh-huh. Ooh.
Okay, okay.
No, I get it, I hear you.
And I get it.
Marquess, uh,
can I talk to you
and the mystery team
privately please?
We'll wait in the kitchen.
Let us know
if you need anything.
I can go for some chicken
salad with some almonds.
But not big almonds.
Just some almond slivers.
Or maybe some
big almonds, too.
Well, Marquess is right.
This is definitely
her late husband Andrew
reincarnated as a dog.
(GASPS) I knew it.
I mean, I had a gut feeling
and I was right.
Hey, will you (BLEEP) stop?
If you're gonna
rub me this hard,
at least whack me off.
But there is more
to the story.
Andrew didn't just die.
-He was murdered.
-(ALL GASP)
But there's more to the story.
He was murdered by Phillip!
(ALL GASP)
No, but there's more
to the story!
No, actually
Actually, that was it.
(GASPS)
So that's why he came back.
To protect his wife
from a vicious murderer.
But how do we convince Lydia
that Phillip murdered Andrew?
We don't.
Andrew will tell her.
Marquess will turn him
back into a man.
You can do that, Marquess?
Uh, well Well, I can.
But as I said to Yung,
these things require
(SIGHS)
A great deal of effort.
Oh, well, in that case
don't do it. Asshole.
Fine, fine.
(SIGHS)
Mmm, on the count of three,
regain your human form,
one, two, three.
Okay, that should happen
in about 10 seconds.
PIGEON: Oh, wow!
Marquess, are you okay?
Do you need to lie down?
(SCOFFS) Drama queen.
I'm back.
Yeah, I can't find
any almonds,
do you mind pecans or
Who are you?
Well, I was Jim Bankerd
and then I had a heart attack
and died
and I came back as your dog.
And now I guess
I'm Jim Bankerd again.
I mean that's what
I was telling her.
I thought she understood.
I've had a lot of Ecstasy.
Like, way more than
the recommended amount.
-Here you go.
-What the hell is this?
Chicken salad.
Well, I just assumed
you'd put it on a baguette
or some sourdough.
I mean, even a lettuce wrap.
You just hand me a bowl?
Who's this?
-This was our dog.
-What?
Don't "what" me,
you son of a bitch!
But if you weren't
Lydia's late husband,
why do you hate
Phillip so much?
-Tell her.
-I don't know what
you're talking about.
Whenever you weren't here,
this piece of garbage
would put weird things
in my butthole.
(BLEEP) Deviant piece of shit.
Matches, pens, guitar picks,
his (BLEEP) thumbs.
And he didn't do
just stuff to me.
This guy is crazy.
I saw him ejaculate
on your toothbrush.
(STAMMERING)
Well, that's not crazy.
What is wrong with you?
-Lydia
-Get out!
I never want to see you again.
(SIGHS)
This might sound crazy,
but would you like
to have dinner with me?
I'd like that very much, Max.
I mean Jim.
Well, that was
a stupid mystery.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Mike, do you guys
have a family dog?
No.
MAN: Why not?
Because my children believe
they are allergic to dogs.
MAN:
Are they allergic to dogs?
No, they're not.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, everybody,
you know what time it is?
Mystery time.
But it's also 11:08,
no, 11:09.
Well, it's actually
12:35, so
Did you just take a shower?
Yeah, why?
Well, we have
a bird bath outside.
A bird
(BLEEP) you, Marquess.
I also used the toilet
and left you
a little surprise in there.
Oh, and I also ejaculated
all over your toothbrush,
so why don't you go
clean it off
in your precious bird bath?
Well, someone woke up
on the wrong side of the nest.
Yung?
We have a new mystery.
YUNG HEE: (PANTING)
Yeah, just, uh
Just give me one second.
(CONTINUES PANTING)
What are you doing in there?
YUNG HEE:
Nothing, I'm, just
I'm almost done.
(GASPS)
(WHISPERS)
Is she masturbating?
(GROANS) Oh,
and I just jacked off.
Come on, come on out of there.
Ah, wake up.
Pigeon, stop.
Let's just go.
No way. I'm going in there.
-I want to watch.
-No!
Hey, need a hand?
Pigeon!
You're exercising?
(SCOFFS) You know what?
I'm glad I just jacked off.
-Ugh.
-(PIGEON SIGHS)
Come on, team,
it's mystery time.
YUNG HEE: I'm so excited
the mystery is going
to be in San Francisco.
Damn, this is going to be fun.
Fisherman's Wharf,
cable cars,
the Wailing Wall
I love San Francisco.
Aw, man.
Hell, maybe we can get tickets
to the Sydney Opera House.
Well, Dad, don't forget we
also have to solve a mystery.
Yeah, but this is going
to be a quick one.
This lady says
her dog doesn't like
her new boyfriend.
Trust me, we'll be in and out,
and even if we don't solve it
it doesn't matter,
because it's a stupid mystery.
Thanks for coming.
We thought you might think
this was a stupid mystery.
Oh, there's no such thing
as a stupid mystery, sir.
(CHUCKLES)
Can I get anyone anything?
I'll take some Rice-A-Roni.
Oh, uh, I'm not sure
if we have that.
I'll bet you do.
It's the San Francisco treat.
Let's all look.
So, Phillip,
your girlfriend's dog
doesn't like you?
That's putting it mildly.
I can't even be
in the same room with him.
Lydia took the little bastard
out for a walk
so I could at least
talk to you in peace.
How is the dog with Lydia?
Oh, Max loves Lydia,
he follows her everywhere.
(BLEEP) it.
Make me some gazpacho.
This is a stupid mystery.
(DOOR OPENING)
(BARKING AND GROWLING)
God damn it. See?
Max, no.
-(CONTINUES BARKING)
-No, Max, no.
I'm going to go upstairs.
We appreciate you coming.
You know, we met dog trainers,
pet therapists, nothing works.
And Phillip's
the sweetest man in the world.
It just doesn't make any sense
why Max doesn't like him.
Do you think that
when you're not around
maybe Phillip puts
weird objects up
Max's little butthole?
Oh, my God.
What? That would account
for the hostility.
I'm going to make myself
some Rice-A-Roni.
-(GASPS)
-Does anyone want some?
You have to have it
while you're in San Francisco.
MIKE: The pantry!
It's written
in the city charter.
I don't mean
to be insensitive,
but have you considered
finding Max another home?
I could never part with Max.
He came into my life
when I needed him the most.
You see, I was married before.
Andrew.
But he died tragically.
You best stir that, Lydia.
Oh, right.
(BARKS)
Then this little guy showed up
on my doorstep
when I was at my lowest.
He was like
a gift from heaven.
And now I've met Phillip
and I'm finally in love again.
I just don't know what to do.
I know what you could do.
You could fluff that rice
and then maybe get started
on the main course.
I think Phillip is making
some gazpacho
so we're gonna have
plenty of sides.
You know what, Phillip?
Don't offer to make gazpacho
if you're not going to make
gazpacho, all right?
Did anyone notice
what I noticed?
Yeah, that Lydia
has got a real pair of
(BLEEP) sucking lips.
-No.
-No?
-No.
-Oh, okay.
No, that that photo of Andrew
looked an awful lot like Max.
The dog? Well, wait,
what are you saying?
I believe that Andrew
missed Lydia so much
he found a way
to be reincarnated.
She said it herself.
She said the dog was sent
from heaven.
(GASPS) So that would explain
why he hates
her new boyfriend.
Where the (BLEEP)
is the Mystery Mobile?
This is where we parked.
(SIRENS WAILING)
You know what, I think
this was a happy accident.
Yeah, maybe not for whoever
just got put
in that ambulance.
Because now we get
to ride in the cable car.
-(BELL RINGS)
-Ooh, feel that wind!
That's why they call it
the Windy City.
Dad, be careful.
Who's the parent here, Yung?
Ooh. Can we get
some ice cream later?
You already had dessert.
So, now what do we do?
Do we tell Lydia that her dog
is her late husband?
Not yet.
I want to be sure.
I have a friend, Brianna.
She's in my spin class,
she's a medium.
She knows all
about the afterlife
and is able to communicate
with the spirit world.
I thought
you could communicate
with the spirit world.
Well, I can,
but it's hard
and I have to, like, scrunch
my face to concentrate
and my brow lines
are getting so deep.
And then I'd have to
get fillers
Then I get filler face.
You know what?
I'd rather just call Brianna.
Pigeon, give me your phone.
Oh, what a pretty screensaver.
What is that, an orchid?
It's Lydia's vagina.
I snagged an up-skirt
before we left.
-My God!
-Yeah, I know.
These Bay Area hippies.
(LAUGHS)
They don't wear underwear,
I guess.
Okay
Brianna?
(SQUEALS) It's Marquess.
Hey, girl.
MIKE: Oh, whoa!
Dad!
(GASPS) Get out,
what are you doing
in San Francisco?
MIKE: I'm okay, I'm catching
up with you soon.
What! (GASPS) Brianna.
I thought you
broke up with him.
(CHUCKLES) So, where are you?
MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
I think we're near the Wharf!
(LAUGHS) Love it.
Cocktail hour.
See you soon.
She's here!
In your face, Yung.
Mmm, so good.
Oh, whoa!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
I don't think it was
very responsible of you
to drink so much.
We still have
to solve a mystery.
Oh, please.
I had two mojitos.
Oh, and we both took Ecstasy.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
MARQUESS:
You are so bad!
BRIANNA: You're bad!
BRIANNA: Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm, is that right?
Well, that's interesting.
Okay, tell me more about that.
Oh, I see, wow. Uh-huh.
Now that's a real wow.
Uh-huh. Ooh.
Okay, okay.
No, I get it, I hear you.
And I get it.
Marquess, uh,
can I talk to you
and the mystery team
privately please?
We'll wait in the kitchen.
Let us know
if you need anything.
I can go for some chicken
salad with some almonds.
But not big almonds.
Just some almond slivers.
Or maybe some
big almonds, too.
Well, Marquess is right.
This is definitely
her late husband Andrew
reincarnated as a dog.
(GASPS) I knew it.
I mean, I had a gut feeling
and I was right.
Hey, will you (BLEEP) stop?
If you're gonna
rub me this hard,
at least whack me off.
But there is more
to the story.
Andrew didn't just die.
-He was murdered.
-(ALL GASP)
But there's more to the story.
He was murdered by Phillip!
(ALL GASP)
No, but there's more
to the story!
No, actually
Actually, that was it.
(GASPS)
So that's why he came back.
To protect his wife
from a vicious murderer.
But how do we convince Lydia
that Phillip murdered Andrew?
We don't.
Andrew will tell her.
Marquess will turn him
back into a man.
You can do that, Marquess?
Uh, well Well, I can.
But as I said to Yung,
these things require
(SIGHS)
A great deal of effort.
Oh, well, in that case
don't do it. Asshole.
Fine, fine.
(SIGHS)
Mmm, on the count of three,
regain your human form,
one, two, three.
Okay, that should happen
in about 10 seconds.
PIGEON: Oh, wow!
Marquess, are you okay?
Do you need to lie down?
(SCOFFS) Drama queen.
I'm back.
Yeah, I can't find
any almonds,
do you mind pecans or
Who are you?
Well, I was Jim Bankerd
and then I had a heart attack
and died
and I came back as your dog.
And now I guess
I'm Jim Bankerd again.
I mean that's what
I was telling her.
I thought she understood.
I've had a lot of Ecstasy.
Like, way more than
the recommended amount.
-Here you go.
-What the hell is this?
Chicken salad.
Well, I just assumed
you'd put it on a baguette
or some sourdough.
I mean, even a lettuce wrap.
You just hand me a bowl?
Who's this?
-This was our dog.
-What?
Don't "what" me,
you son of a bitch!
But if you weren't
Lydia's late husband,
why do you hate
Phillip so much?
-Tell her.
-I don't know what
you're talking about.
Whenever you weren't here,
this piece of garbage
would put weird things
in my butthole.
(BLEEP) Deviant piece of shit.
Matches, pens, guitar picks,
his (BLEEP) thumbs.
And he didn't do
just stuff to me.
This guy is crazy.
I saw him ejaculate
on your toothbrush.
(STAMMERING)
Well, that's not crazy.
What is wrong with you?
-Lydia
-Get out!
I never want to see you again.
(SIGHS)
This might sound crazy,
but would you like
to have dinner with me?
I'd like that very much, Max.
I mean Jim.
Well, that was
a stupid mystery.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Mike, do you guys
have a family dog?
No.
MAN: Why not?
Because my children believe
they are allergic to dogs.
MAN:
Are they allergic to dogs?
No, they're not.