Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s03e09 Episode Script

Mystery on Wall Street

DAVID: Everybody thinks
the markets are rigged.
The big boys on Wall Street
know something
that the average Joe
on Main Street doesn't.
Sure that goes on, but
But this is something
This is manipulation
of the market
on an unprecedented scale.
On a
On a whole other level.
Next level shit. Mmm-hmm.
Uh, yes, that's
That's right.
So for example,
the stock would
be available
Could you give us an example?
-Yeah, that's what
-Go on.
So for example,
let's say we want to buy
a stock at $30 a share.
Since our fund is pretty big,
we'd want to buy
a lot of shares.
Say, 100,000 shares.
Mmm. 100,000 shares of stock.
Uh, yes. 100,000
shares of the same stock.
MIKE: Mmm.
So we place the order.
Just like any other investor,
we literally click on the
button that says, "Buy."
And soon as we do it,
the stock is no longer
available at $30 a share.
The market would
move against us.
May I borrow one of these?
Now, when you place an order,
it takes about a millisecond
from why you click buy
for that order
to get to the exchange.
How is it
that in one millisecond
100,000 shares for sale
are no longer for sale?
Were they ever really there
or are they phantom shares?
That's why we asked you
to come here.
Because if you can answer
that question,
you just might make
the market safe again,
which is what will in turn
make the American economy
strong again,
which will in turn
save the world.
David, would you mind
if I speak privately
with my colleagues
for a moment?
Yeah, of course. Please.
Okay, so here's the deal.
I didn't understand
any of that.
So I propose we get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
We've come all the way
to New York, Michael.
We're not even going to
try and solve the mystery?
Nope. Too hard, too boring.
Right, Pigeon?
Huh, what?
Pigeon, are you listening
to music?
Book on tape.
Man, what really went down.
What's going on? Where are we?
We're down on Wall Street,
but not for long.
I'm calling the car service.
-Maybe we can go home
on an earlier flight.
You know, Mr. Tyson,
I've driven you before.
You and the
You and the whole team.
I see you're still traveling
with the little bird.
You know who else travels
with animals? Helen Hunt.
Drove her and her little dog.
I'd love to get
between the sheets
with Helen Hunt.
What a body on her.
I mean, the state department.
What a mess!
Hey, can I ask
what you're doing in town?
Ugh. Not seeing Hamilton,
Oh, we were here
for a mystery,
but it wasn't a good fit.
You got 45 minutes?
Because if you've got
45 minutes,
I'll show you the
biggest mystery you've
ever seen in your life.
Okay. Can you please
look at the road?
You see that house there?
That ugly piece of (BLEEP)
that looks like
it has water damage?
I bought it with my wife.
This is where we were
going to retire.
Six months after
we close on the house,
she says she wants a divorce.
She says, "I don't love you,
I never loved you.
"Hit the road, Jack.
Go take a walk."
-(GASPS) That's horrible!
Eh, she was lousy
in the sack anyway.
Never sucked me off. Not once.
Pardon me. I keep forgetting
there's a child back there.
Sorry, I don't have
a lolly for ya.
I usually keep some
hard candy upfront, but uh
-I ate them all.
I'm sorry.
Did you say the mystery
and I missed it?
So I rented out the house
to a family.
Decent credit, not great.
They say they don't
have a dog.
They have a dog.
But you pick your battles.
So now they say
that the house is unsafe.
There is a phantasm
in the house.
Claim the boy, nine or ten,
was taken by the phantasm
to the end of the universe.
(WHISTLES) Look at the cans
on that one.
YUNG HEE: Well, is that them?
Get down. Everybody down.
I was supposed to
get an inspection done
three months ago.
There's mold everywhere.
So you want us to go
to the end of the universe
and get their boy back?
I just want them
to start paying rent again.
I'm not going to tell you
how to do your job.
If you go the end
of the universe,
if you don't go
to the end of the universe.
look at those cans.
And that caboose.
Have to remember
that for later.
Jack-off time.
Pardon me.
-More tea?
-MIKE: Thank you, ma'am.
This is such a blessing
that you are here.
We went to the police
and they were most unhelpful.
I guess when you
say to the police
that a phantasmin has taken
your son to the end
of the universe,
they say you are crazy.
But we are not crazy.
So can you please bring back
our little Raji?
Would you mind
if I spoke privately
with my colleagues
for a moment please?
Of course.
MARQUESS: First place,
math decathlon,
first place, spelling bee.
Ah, Raji is a child prodigy.
-Okay, let's get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
I changed my mind
I like the first mystery
This one has too many
moving parts.
One dude want us
to get rent money,
some other dude
want us to go to
the end of the universe.
Ah! Oh!
-Yeah, no.
Oh, hey!
I thought you guys left.
What? I said I needed
to talk to my team.
Well, it's been
about three hours.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know how long
I needed to talk to my team?
You better watch that
(BLEEP) attitude,
Wall Street boy.
Remind me again.
What was your mystery?
So when we click
the button that says, "Buy,"
the stock is no longer
available at $30 a share.
When you place an order,
it takes about a millisecond
from when
MIKE: Oh, my God!
I was right the first time.
We should have gone
to the end of the universe
to save that little boy.
That was the clear,
obvious one to choose.
It had all the elements
of a good mystery
that my audience
has come to expect.
This shit? This is how
shows get canceled.
So, what is happening?
Are they phantom shares?
Would you mind
if we go outside to discuss
one aspect of this mystery?
Oh, my God!
Where the (BLEEP)
are the stairs, man?
PHANTASM: Buy it. Buy it now!
It's done.
Now may I go home,
So it's all there?
$35 million?
Then, yes, Raji,
I have no more use for you.
-Where's my cut?
-What cut?
10%. To help you.
You said I could have 10%
if I give you the algorithm.
(BLEEP) you! 10%!
I'm going
to the end of the universe.
But I need the money
for my family.
The house is covered in mold.
So it was your algorithm
that cheated the market
out of billions of dollars.
Not some phantom orders?
No, it was both.
Except they were
not phantom orders,
they were phantasm orders.
Hey, what's the difference
between a phantom
and a phantasm?
(SCOFFS) Oh, of course.
Ask the only ghost
in the room. (CHUCKLES)
While we're at it,
why don't we just ask David
the difference between
a Hasidic Jew
and an Orthodox Jew?
-Oh, I'm I'm not Jewish.
-Hmm? Oh! (HIGH-PITCHED) Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just I assumed, you know?
Working on Wall Street,
curly dark hair,
prominent nose,
abrupt manner and
I'm sorry, am I still talking?
Raji! What were
you saying, dear?
The phantasm said
he needed the money
because the
end of the universe
is the most beautiful place
in existence.
And the real estate
market there
is incredibly tight.
He kept saying
how tight it was.
He said he would need
many, many millions
even to get a dump.
But he's going to be
very angry when he determines
that all the stock purchases
he made were in my name.
You see, I knew that
I was possibly dealing
with a very bad man,
owing to the fact
that he was a phantasm.
And that he was very angry
all the time.
And that he would kidnap
a young boy.
I knew it!
I (BLEEP) knew it.
I didn't need to hear
any of this shit.
Oh, please!
Easy to say that after
this little boy just explained
the entire thing.
I mean, the whole thing
is such bull-(BLEEP).
Cover up, no cover up.
It's just the shit
that goes with being
the world's policemen.
You know what I mean?
(SIGHS) Hey, wait a second.
We are back here again?
Weren't we in some
Indian restaurant?
I remember smelling
a bunch of curry and mildew.
I'm hungry as hell.
Have we eaten yet or
PHANTASM: What do you mean
there's a problem?
Insufficient funds?
That's impossible.
I'll call the bank
and straighten everything out.
There's a higher offer?
It's been accepted?
Who made it?
Excuse me, sir.
Could you please
remove yourself
from our property?
What? Where am I to live?
It's $1,900 a month.
Rent's due by the 3rd,
otherwise it goes up.
And I keep making it
go up and up and up
until you pay.
No dogs.
What's that mildew smell?
That's paint. I painted.
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