Mind Your Language (1977) s01e08 Episode Script

Better to Have Loved and Lost

Right, it's me next Allez les grecs! Allez! Come come - Missed - Italy, Italy Now, you watch me A goal for Italy We are the champions Good evening! What's going on here? We are playing the English game of shoving the halfpenny Italy against Greece Sí, me árbitro! Chicken - Chicken? - Sí - When a player is off the side, chicken - It's a foul - Sí! Foul, chicken! The same - Not quite the same - Who's winning? - Italy - Good - Only just - What's the score? - Six nil Oh, very close! - And what's that? - It's It's - It's water - Sure, it's water - Water? That's wine - Wine? Santa Maria! Another miracle I don't wanna see that in this class again! Right now back to your places everybody! Straighten up this table please Rather than go straight on to a lesson I thought it might be a good idea if we talked about what we did at the weekend Give you all a chance to brush up on your English conversation Now who should we start with? Danielle How did you spend your weekend? - I went to Brighton with my new boyfriend - Very nice - And he was very naughty - Yes, people usually are in Brighton No, he was naughty on the motorway - The police were not very happy - I'm sure they wouldn't They made him stop the car - You mean he was driving at the time? - Of course How else would he be doing the hundred miles an hour? - You mean he was speeding? - Yes What did you think he was doing? How about you Anna! Did you spend the weekend with your boyfriend? - Nein, I have no boyfriend - That's a pity - Everybody should have a boyfriend - I have no boyfriend - I was referring to the girls now - A thousand apologies I vonce had a bed experience with a boy - A bed experience? - Ja - He tried to get you into bed? - No, no Not bed sleep! Bed, opposite of good - Bad - Ja, bed - What happened? - I cannot tell you! It vos too awful Japanese philosopher say ''Confession velly good for soul'' Yes, tell us what happen You don't have to if you don't want Anna Maybe it's better I get it off my breakst - Chest - Ja It vas dreadful! I still blush ven I think of it Yes perhaps, you'd better not tell us then - She must - Most definitely! I am all earholes It was about five years ago I was going out with this boy Kurt! I was young and innocent One night, we had been in a beer garden and we had been drinking lots of Schnapps Afterwards, I invited him up to my apartment for a coffee Japanese philosopher also say ''Man who goes to radies appartment for dlink usuary end up having nibble!'' I think we'll leave your Japanese philosopher out of it if you don't mind Taro! Go on Anna Vell, ve set together on the bed and he vos stroking my 'end Which end? - This 'end - Ah, your hand Blimey, I am thinking I am too young to be hearing any more You may leave the room if you wish Ranjeet Oh no, I stay! It's good to be knowing the ways of the world What happen next Anna? - Kurt vos kissing me on my neck - Sacre bleu! Then he vos kissing me on the shoulder Then he vos kissing me all over the place Go on! I vos feeling all romantic Then with all the drink I had, and the warmth of his body by mine on the bed I did something I have always been ashamed of - What did you do? - I fell asleep Santa Maria! - Then I voe up and he vos gone - How sad - Nevermind! Taro! - ''Aso'' - How did you spend your weekend? - I go to Parace - Paris - Yes - A weekend in France? - No Flance, Englando - Taro - Yes teacher? - Paris is in France - No to Buckingham Parace Ah, Buckingham Palace! I follow you - You forrow me? - Yes I didn't see you then I mean I understand you went to Buckingham Palace - Yes, there I see loyal frago - Loyal frago? - Royal flag - ''Aso'' - Jamila - Yes How did you spend your weekend? - Weekend? - Yes - What did you get up to? What did you do? - Jeeg Jeeg - You went dancing? - No Jeeg Jeeg! Fillum! Mowris Chevalay! For little girls - Ah, Gigi! - Jeeg, jeeg - Max - That's me - How did you pass your weekend? - Saturday, I go to see the big fight - A boxing match? - No a football match Then, Sunday I take my girlfriend to see the Tower of London Very cultural! Did you see any Beefeaters? - Beefeaters? - Yes No, I only see people eating sandwiches All right, all right! Very funny - Juan - Si senor - What happened to you at the weekend? - Por favor? - How did you spend the weekend? - Por favor? - Weekend! Semana - Ah si Saturday I work in bar! Sunday I stay cama, durmiendo Por favor? I mean pardon? Durmiendo - You slept - Sí sleep - I thought you were R.
- Por favor? - R.
Roman Catholic - Sí­ Católico Espíritu Santo Dómine You said you slept! Surely you're supposed to go to church on Sundays God he tell us six days you work! On the seven day you rest! I rest You big sinner! - No sinner - Si When you die, you not go to Heaven! You go down to hell O! ls more of my friends downhell than upheaven! You spend five minutes down there and you'll just be another Spanish omelet Alright! Sit down Giovanni - I presume you did go to church - Si, every Sunday I go to Mass - You're a practising Catholic then? - No, no practise! I'm perfect In Italy when I was a little boy I was gonna be a priest - Really? What made you change your mind? - It's like this One day, the priest give a big sermon in the church! All about women, girls and the pleasures of the flesh! And the more he spoke, the more I realize what I would be missing Excuse me Mr.
Brown! Do you mind if I intrude for a moment? No, not at all The school is holding a draw next weekend - And I'm selling tickets for it - Excuse me - This drawer you are selling tickets for? - Yes? What sort of drawer is it? ls is from dressing table or what? It's not that sort of drawer Ranjeet - It's a raffle - A thousand apologies It's in a very good cause! The old pensioners Ticets are ten p.
Each! Who's going to buy some? - What about you Mr.
Singh? - Thank you but I must decline But it's for the old age pensioners Yes but what am I going to do with one if I win? - The pensioners aren't the prize - A thousand apologies again The first prize is a weekend for two in Paris I'll take one! I wouldn't say no to a weekend in Paris Why not we share the ticket together? Maybe we can share the weekend too - That's immoral - Yes but it's very nice I'm sure Mr.
Brown wouldn't dream of doing any such thing - Would you Mr.
Brown? - No, of course not I think I'll leave the tickets with you Do you think you can get rid of two books? - Well l - Excellent - Excuse please - Solly we are rate We are delayed because of the reason of mist - Mist? - Yes please It's a perfectly clear night! How can you have been delayed by mist? We missed the bus! Then we had to go to see the dressmakers for a fitting - You're not having a dress made? - No not Ari, me She is having a dress made for wedding A wedding dress? - You're getting married Su Lee? - Yes next wee at Legistly Office Well I must say you've kept quiet about that - Oh blimey, she is being swept off her foot - Feet And who's the lucky man? Do we know him? Yes please! It's me! Enter - Finished with your tray, love? - Yes thank you Gladys - Tomorrow's the big day then - What big day? - You know the wedding! Ali and Su Lee - Oh that! Yes I had a long talk with the girl last wee about her future That was very nice However, in spite of all I said, she has decided to go through it There's nothing wrong in getting married You ought to try it I'm perfectly happy as I am! Thank you - Miss Courtney? - Yes? - Can I be a bit personal? - If you must - Have you never been with a man? - What do you mean? - Well you know - Certainly not I prefer a hot water bottle! At least you can hold it against you without it getting amorous Haven't you ever wanted to get married? Well, there was one occasion, many years ago A boy I was very fond of! In fact we were inseparable! He ased me to elope with him - How romantic! And did you? - Almost We set off one morning for Gretna Green! But I'm afraid we never quite made it - How far did you get? - Golders Green My father caught up with us and dragged me back home He forbade me to see the boy again! Said we were far too young What a shame! - How old were you? - He was eight and I was six Oh well, never mind! I'm sure that somewhere, someone is waiting for you He'll have a very long wait I have no intention of subjugating myself to any member of the male sex So I take it you think women are equal to men Certainly not! Women are far superior - So you won't be at the wedding tomorrow? - No I have much better things to do with my time Than go and watch two people embarking on such a foolish enterprise Well I'm going! I like weddings! I think they make a lovely couple Help yourself everybody! - Su Lee, for you - Thank you And Ali for you! A lovely glass - Sorry no! It is against my religion to drink - It is also against my religion What's going on? Another miracle Giovanni? No professori! We drink to the health of the happy couple You have a glass Well I suppose it is a special occasion - Prego - Thank you Well what about a little toast then? We have no toast, only biscuits - No, I mean a toast to Ali and Su Lee - We have no toast for them either - To Ali and Su Lee - To Ali and Su Lee - May all your troubles be Iittle ones - Little ones what? It's an old English expression! It means to hope you have a family, a baby Oh blimey, I am doing something about it last night! Yes, I am preparing a Iittle room for nursery Please I am having a very funny thought He is Pakistani! She is Chinese If they have a baby, it will be Pakinese How dare you! I told you no to be insulting! You ignorant son of a bearded poof! Come on! You brainless offspring of a camel! All right, that will do! Come on Iet's not forget why we're here! You still have a lot to learn Now back to your places everyone and put those glasses away This evening I thought we try and have a group discussion All right? Yes? We'll pick a subject then we'll all discuss it thoroughly - Now what would you like to discuss? - Girls I don't think so Giovanni! Anybody has any other suggestion? - Sport! - Sport Yes, good idea! That's a good subject Max! Sport Although most sports are international, there are of course various activities Which are peculiar to individual countries - For example, the national sport of France is - Football Good, well done Danielle! - And the national sport of Italy is - Girls That is not a sport Maybe not but it's more popular than football! - Su Lee, what's the national sport of China? - China, excerrent at evelything - Especially table tennis and athretics - Japan much more athretico Champions of kalate! Chinese Kung Fu much supelior to Japanese Kalate Not so! I'm bracko belto! Kung Fu mucho infelior All right, that'll do for now! We don't want any oriental punch ups! Go and sit down Who can tell me what the national sport of England is? - Yes Jamila? - Bally - Bally? - Balling green! Bally Bowls, yes but that's not exactly the national sport! That honor goes to cricket Please, I not understand cricket Well it's quite straight forward! There are two teams of eleven men each One side goes in and the other side have to try and get them out - I didn't know you could play it indoor - It's not played indoors But how can somebody be out when he is already out I'll try to explain The team who is bowling is out on the field! The team who is battling is in the Pavilion Now the first two batsmen come out to go in The first one to be out, goes back in and another batsman comes out to go in - ls that clear so far? - Oh sure When he's in, he's not really in he's out and when he's out, he's not really out he's in - That's right - It's crazy Mr.
Brown, Mr.
Brown! You're wanted right away it's Miss Courtney - She said it's very important - Yes thank you Gladys I shall be in a moment! Giovanni would you take charge of the class while I'm away? - Sure - Good and pick a subject Ok! Now we talk about the girls Enter! - You sent for me Miss Courtney? - Yes This is the teacher Mr.
Brown - I am hearing much about you - I hope it's all good This young lady has called to see Mr.
Nadim Oh Ali, You're a friend of his then? - More than a friend - His sister? No, I am his wife! Tonight after school, we take you in the pub - Yes and we are having a big feast - Sí­ big fiesta, plenty drink It is rast nighto of fleedom Thank you please but it is not necessary! I do not drink Don't be selfish! It is tradition the night before the wedding for the bridegroom to be slashed I think you all men are male chauvinist pigs! - Vy you not invite us to pub? - What? And spoil the evening You make your own fiesta - We go to pub! All ladies - No prease - Jamila's right! We 'ave our own celebration! - That's right! - Ali - Yes please - Can I see you please? - You are seeing me now I want to see you in private! In Miss Courtney's office! - It's rather very important - O.
Excuse me! I will be back very soon my beloved Ah l'amour! Toujours l'amour I wander what vas so important for Mr.
Brown to be telling Ali Maybe he's gonna tell him the facts of life - Sit down Ali - Thank you - Where's - I've sent her to the tea room - Where's - I've sent her to the tea room Good! I think it might be a good idea if Ali and I were left alone Good! I think it might be a good idea if Ali and I were left alone - I presume you'll speak to Miss Su Lee - You presume wrong I think Mr.
Nadim should do his own dirty work - Well Ali - Yes please - I'm not going to beat about the bush - What bush? - I've just met your wife - Jelly good - I must say it rather came as a shock - Excuse please, she is not that bad looking No, no, no Ali! Don't you understand? You're a married man Oh yes! Well then, how can you be possibly thinking of marrying Su Lee tomorrow? - Why not? - It's bigamy Oh no, it's big of me Ali you don't understand! You can't have two wives Oh yes please! It is allowed by my religion! If the first wife is agreeable, the husband can take another - You mean your wife doesn't mind? - Not at all It's to have the baby - Baby? - Yes please We have been trying now for four years and nothing is happening So I am taking another wife! To have the babies But it's against the law in this country But they are not going to be finding out, are they? Yes they are! Because I have to be telling them Oh blimey What am I gonna be doing? The first thing you should do is to tell Su Lee about your wife - She is already knowing it - And she doesn't mind? Not at all! She is very much in love with me! Well you'll just have to tell her the wedding's off - She will be broken-hearted! - You should have thought of that before - Come in - Excuse prease - Miss Courtney say you want to see me - yes come in Su Lee - Ali has something to tell you - Yes Ali? Well you see, what I am trying to say is There is something very important you must be knowing What is it? - Mr.
Brown will be telling you - Ali Sit down Su Lee I don't quite know how to put this, but it has to be said I too have something to say - It's about the wedding - I cannot mally Ari - You see, the point is Pardon? - I cannot mally Ari - Why can't you mally Ari marry Ali - I am not in rove with him But you must have said you wanted too surely Yes I was just being solly for him at the time! But now I know it is not possible How am I going to tell him? - It will bleak his heart - Don't worry Su Lee! I'll tell him I'm sure I'll be able to let him down gently U leave it to me! I'll sort it out - Excuse please Mr.
Brown - yes Ali - Did you tell Su Lee? - Yes - Jelly good! Now I been happy with one wife - Good I hope she didn't mind too badly of me! Well, I was as tactful as I could be! I told her it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all What a beautiful thought! - Was she very sad? - Absolutely heartbroken - Did you tell Ali Mr.
Blown? - Yes Su Lee I told him it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - Was he vely upset? - Broken-hearted Now pay attention everybody! Ali and Su Lee have had a long discussion And by mutual agreement have decided to call off their wedding We've already booked the pub! We've ordered the toast and the drinks - You'll just have to cancel it! - Excuse please - You do not have to be canceling it - But we've nothing to cerebrate Oh blimey yes we have! My lovely wife is telling me that I'm going to be a daddy at last C'est merveilleux! Come on everybody! To the pub It's not time to go yet! It's half an hour early! Come back! Just a moment! Where do you all think you're going? To the pub! - Mr.
Brown, that's most unsatisfactory - I agree - What are you gonna do about it? - There's only one thing I can do If you can't beat them, join them!