Mind Your Language (1977) s01e10 Episode Script

Hello Sailor

- Looing for someone Mr.
Cervantes? - Por favor? Nevermind! This way! - Good evening Juan - Good evening - You only just made it? - Si, si - Come along then, into the classroom - ln a momenta! First l've to go some place - Well, don't be too long - No, no Come on! This way, this way Good evening everyone l must warn you, l'm not in the best of humours tonight ln fact, l have a serious complaint - Why not go to the doctor? - lt's not that sort of complaint, Danielle l'm far from happy with your progress! l feel as if l'm banging my head against a bric wall Oh blimey! lf you're doing that, you'll be getting a headache l checed your homewor last night! Franly l think you're getting worse Max, the great form of address for a cardinal is not 'west wing of the cathedral' l didn't now he'd moved! lt should have been your eminence! And Danielle, the word 'conjugate' is applied to verbs And has nothinkg whatsoever to do with marital relations l am sorry! And as for you Ranjeet, some of your answers mae no sense whatsoever That is because l'm not understanding the gist of the questions So l'm answering different questions that l do understand - That is not the object of homewor - Thousand apologies - Buena Serra - Giovanni, what time do you call this? Ten past seven! - You're late! Haven't you got a watch? - l had a watch! lt was a beautiful watch! lt was rustproof, shocproof, waterproof! Everythinkg! - The only trouble it wasn't quite superproof - Superproof? Yeah, last night l'm woring in the restaurant! And oops, l dropped it in the soupiere Quiet! - Have you seen Juan? - One what? - Juan Cervantes - Scusi! No Where the devil has he got to? Perdon Senora! - ls OK my friend wait here for me? - l don't now about that - lt's only till finish class - All right then - You want a cup of tea? - He not speak the English good Not like me! You wait here! No speak, no nothing! - OK? - KO - No KO, OK! - OK This evening we are going to concentrate on the alphabet l'm going to go round the class And l want each of you to give me a word beginning with different letters of the alphabet Max, we'll start with you! A or a A des - No Max, that's a D - Alright, Dee Des Max, des doesn't begin with the letter A! l want a word beginning with A - A door - Good, Adore! Well done - Excuse please! - Yes Ali l am not understanding why you are saying a des is not right but a door is right Well you see when Max said adore, he was meaning the verb 'to adore' And although the sound is the same, he didn't mean a door! For example this door - Am l right Max? - Sure you're right! l am meaning any door At this rate, it will tae us a wee to get through the alphabet We'll try again Max! Please give me a word beginning with A And l don't want a somethinkg! Just one word beginning with the letter A think of a fruit! - Apple - Apple, good! Danielle, B! - B for brave - Good - B for beautiful - Than you Danielle! - Anna, C - Red - Red? What's that got to do with C? - Red Sea l want a word beginning with the letter C - Cow - Yes well done - Taro, D - Ah so - Daro - Daro? Well it's Dar - Dar - Yes Jamila E - Effening - Good, excellent! Well done - Giovanni F - Fic - Fic? - That's right There's no such word as Fic Sure there is! My boss is English and he say it lots of times - Fru fic and fru fin - Your boss's grammar is not very good And don't you dare say the old chestnut About his grammar being very good for his age - l not say that - Good She's dead! - l not say that - Good She's dead! Quiet everybody! There's far too much levity in this class Don't forget you have your exams coming up shortly Now try and tae it seriously please - Giovanni, a word with F - Female Than you, well done Su Lee, G - Glate - Glate? As in gleat wall of China! Built by grolious Chinese worers - Glate - Glate? As in gleat wall of China! Built by grolious Chinese worers Yes than you Su Lee - Perdon - Ah Juan - We're just going through the alphabet - Por favore - A, B, C, D, E - Ah si alphabeto A, B, C, D Can you give me a word beginning with the letter H Por favore - Palabra - Ah palabra - Huly - Huly - Si, H'april, May, Hune, Huly - No Juan, that's a J, July - l want the letter H - Ah si Hacienda - l'll accept that - Por favore lt's alright, it doen't matter! Sit down - Ali, l - You are what? A word begining with the letter l - lnfidel - Are you meaning me? Sit down! - Ranjeet, J - Jacass - Are you meaning me? - Most definitely l noc your damn turban off you monkey face Quiet please, sit down both of you! - Danielle, K - K for Kindhearted - Good - K for Kiss l think that'll do Danielle! Than you - Max, L - Elephant No Max, try again - Lovely - Good - Anna, M - Masterrace - Jamila, N - Nitting No nitting begins with a K - What do you nit with? - Ah Wool No, what are these? - Needles - Needles, excellent Well done! Giovanni, can you give me a word begining with the letter O - 'Orrible - No - 'Oliday - No - 'Opeless - Yes you are You eep dropping your aspirates l not drop nothinkg An aspirate is the sound made by the letter H The words you gave me all start with H, not with O - Scusi - l want a word begining with O! Come on - Outside - That's better - Excuse me Mr.
Brown - Hello Gladys Miss Courtney wants to see you in the tea room Right, l'll be as quic as l can! Giovanni, would you tae charge of the class while l'm away Si professori - l think you'd better come too Pedro - Por favor? Miss Courtney has found your fishy friend Are you going to answer me? What is your name? Who are you? What are you doing here? - What seems to be the problem M.
Courtney - This is l just came in here and found him He seems to be some sort of foreigner but l can't get a word out of him - ls he one of yours? - No l've never seen him before before You can find out what he's doing here! - ls he one of yours? - No l've never seen him You can find out what he's doing here! After all you do seem to have a way with these foreign persons l'll do my best Hello, what's your name? Name Do you spea English? Parlez-vous francais? Spracen de Deutsch? Parliamo ltaliano? Habla Espanol? Well say somethinkg even if it's only get notted! - Amigo - Everythinkg alright! Not worry - Juan, you now this person? - Si l tell you the truth! ls my brother - Your brother? l don't believe you - OK, l tell you truth, ls not my brother - ls good friend! We sleep together - Pardon? Not in same bed, in same room - Why don't you tell me the whole story? - OK l mae the clean chest - Breast - Si - But you must promise not to tell nobody - Let's hear what you have to say first His name is Boris! ls Marinero - Marinero? - Si - He's a sailor - Sailor - He's a sailor - Sailor Last night, he come in bar where l wor! He is rushin - Rushing? - Si - You mean he was in a hurry? - No, no! He's Rooshin.
From Roosha - A russian sailor - Si We drin - Voda - Si voda And he as me for a mental home - He ased you for what? - He say no go bac to Roosha As me for a mental home, casa de loco - Asylum, Political asylum - Si, si - He's a defector - No, he's Rooshin - You not let them tae him bac - Of course not This is a free country! lf he wants to stay here, he's perfectly in liberty to do so Welcome to England Comrade! Silenzio! What do you want? You're supposed to be studying the boos - Who say so? - l say so Loo professori he's put me in charge! You got to do what l tell you Now l am gonna as the questions and you give me the answers - Ali - Yes please What is a noun? Oh blimey, it is very simple! 'Noun' is a lady who is living in a convent That's a nun! Jamila, what is the plural of a thief? - The plural of a thief - A thief - Robbers! - No, no not robbers Loo these are rubbers! - One thief, two - Thiefs That's better! - Max, what's the opposite of bitter? - Lotta - lt's not right - Sure it is Opposite of bitter money is lotta money Quiet! - Silenzio - Than you Giovanni, you can sit down now Juan l think it might be a good idea if Boris sat next to you For your general information, Boris is from Russia Much better he sit next me lather than leplesentative of capitarist phirosophy Sorry to disappoint you Su Lee but Boris has decided to change horses Blimey, is he a Russian cowboy? No Ali l meant he's decided he prefers our democratic way of life to the Russian regime - He's a defector! - He's tlaitor! Better ling Lussian Embassy We will do no such thinkg Su Lee! Boris has made his decision and after class Miss Courtney will inform the Home Office Who will then decide whether he can stay - Why he wish to reave Lussia? - l haven't the faintest idea - Maybe he's a spy - Yeah a double agent Maybe Su Lee is right! Send him bac vere he came from He should be intellogated Sit down everybody! Quiet, please! Sit down l'm sure Boris has a perfectly good reason for wishing to remain here - Boris! - Da Da Would you come out here please? Juan, does Boris spea any English? - l teach him a little - Good - Why do you want to leave Russia? - Por favore? l see you spea English as well as Juan does lt's alright! Why do you wish to leave Russia? Come over here! - Russia! - Da Da - England - Da Da Why you leave Russia to stay in England - A woman? - Da Da - ls this true Juan? - Si si Last night in bar, he meet beautiful girl He has fallen, how you say, heels over head - Head over heels - Si - Sit down - Da da Vive l'amour Boris Well Su Lee, l'm sure even you wouldn't wish to stand in the way of true love - Tlue rove should be for state not individual - Not this side of the iron curtain Now where were we up to in the alphabet? Which letter have we got to? - P - P Suppose you give me a word begining with P - Plopaganda - Propaganda As used by decadent western world To splead ries about grolious peace roving Chinese Su Lee, do you have to mae a political speech every time you answer a question? Yes! Chairman Mao say it is duty of those who can see To guide brind to right of tluth The 8 points of attention are as follows Do not damage clops Do not tae riberties with women Yes Su Lee sit down, than you! That will do Ali give me a word beginning with Q - Q - Yes go on - Q - Yes come on - Q - Ali, will you give me a word with Q Blimey l am giving it to you three times already Queue lie bus, stop, queue l see, l'm sorry! Well done! - Taro, R - Ah so - Radio - Good - Ranjeet, S - Esimo - No, Esimo begins with E - A thousand apologies - think of word that describes you - Stupid Don't you call me stupid you half witted paistani popadom Don't you call me Paistani papadom, you brown chapati All right, that'll do! Sit down both of you! - Juan, T - Por favore? - T - Ah tea, si No it's not time for tea brea - Por favore? - Never mind, sit down - Excuse me Mr.
Brown - What is it this time Gladys? - There's another one turned up - Another what? A rusky! l've just shown him into Miss Courtney's office l am Captain Yvan lvanovitch! - Are you? - Da - And you are, Mrs? - l am Miss Courtney - A fine womans lie you has no husband - No l am understanding! You prefer to have the lovers Certainly not! Now will you please get to the point l have reason to believe one of my men is here - Really? - Come Mrs.
Courtney - Miss - Miss We both now he's here! He must come bac to the ship and return to Russia That is for him to decide Enter You wish to see me Miss Courtney? This is Captain lvan lvanovitch! Mr.
Brown our English teacher - How are you doing? - Very well than you And may l welcome you to England! You and your compatriot are perfectly safe here You don't have to go bac to Russia if you don't want to - Mr.
Brown - Yes? The Captain has no wish to stay here! He's come to tae bac the other person - But you can't do that - Why not? He doesn't want to go bac! He's met this girl you see and he wants to get married That is impossible! We are only being here for one night lt was love at first sight - People do not fall in love at first sight - English people do l tell you he cannot be getting an English wife - Why not? - Because he already has a Russian one - Are you saying he's already married? - Da Da, to Anastasia Well, this puts an entirely different complexion on the matter l'm afraid we have no alternative but to return your roving shipmate - Will you see to that Mr.
Brown? - Very well You are a woman of great perception as well as being beautiful Than you You are reminding me so much of your great national figure - Yes, people've said l resemble the Queen - No, not Queen British Bulldog! Juan, l as you the question! - What is the name for a group of cows? - Por favore? Hey come on! You now what l'm saying! You might fool professori, you not fool me - What is the name for a group of cows - l don't now - A herd of cows - Por favore? - A herd of cows - Sure l heard of cows Santa Maria, a herd of cows is a lot of cows And you spea a lot of bull Than you Giovanni Than goodness you're bac! l tell you professori l donno how you put up with all these foreigners Boris! There's a friend of yours outside! He's waiting to tae you bac to the ship! - Captain lvanovich - Nyet Not nyet! Da da! He's told me all about Anastasia Anastasia For your general information, Anastasia is Boris' wife bac in Russia Old Cossac! - Will you permit me Mr.
Brown? - He's all yours Captain Boris, Boris! You lousy cheat Alright come along now! Pay attention! We've had enough interruptions for one evening What letter of the alphabet were we up to? Me, - Well Juan - Tobacco Tobacco, good - Max, U - Me - No Max, the letter U - h'umbrella - Yes good but it's not h'umbrella, umbrella - H'ocay - Anna, V - Vent - Yes good, Vent as in 'air vent' - Nein, as in l vent to vash my hands No Anna! Those words begin with W! l want a word that begins with V - What instrument Yehudi Menugin play? - A fiddle - A violin, V - Wiolin, Ja - Danielle, W - W for Warm - Good - W for When l only wanted one word Danielle - Excuse me Mr.
Brown - What is this time Gladys? - He's bac - Who's bac? Lvan the Terrible! He wants to see you Giovanni! - Captain you wanted to see me? - Yes Mr.
Brown, could l - Leave it to me! - Than you Mr.
Brown Enter Miss Courtney, we've got a bit of a problem! Captain lvanovich is outside Don't tell me his compatriot's escaped Oh no, Boris is safely on his way bac to the ship Then why has the Captain returned? He wants to defect! He said lie Boris he has fallen heels over head in love These foreigners are impossible Tell him to go away! His infatuations have nothinkg to do with us l'm afraid this one has! You see he says he's fallen in love with you My little English Bulldog! - l am loving you Mrs.
Courtney