Miracle Workers (2019) s02e05 Episode Script


1 I'm the town crier, here to wish you a happy Harvest Day.
We're gonna kick off festivities with a play commemorating the first-ever Harvest Day, which was celebrated, peacefully, by King Cragnoor's knights and the native Leaf People.
Give a round of applause.
How adorable.
Do you think this performance will mention how we murdered the Leaf People and stole their land? Come on, Al.
History always gets whitewashed over time.
The genocide happened three years ago.
We were all there.
Once upon a time, there was a tribe called the Leaf People, who, for years, lived just outside of Lower Murkford, doing whatever it is they did.
Then the noble King Cragnoor led an expedition to the Leaf Person territory in order to be friends with them.
I'm King Cragnoor the Kind, and I love the Leaf People.
- Oh, wonderful.
Can I have this land, please? Yes.
We do not want it.
And then the Leaf People uh, just you know, they went away.
Bye-bye! [LAUGHS.]
We killed them! And that's why once a year, on Harvest Day, we celebrate peace, togetherness, and the winning spirit of Lower Murkford.
The end.
Why are you clapping? I know the play was problematic, but the little kid who played Cragnoor was electric.
- Happy Harvest Day! Encore.
I've gone down that road again I've been there before Though want to know more It's always been [SWORD SLICES, CHICKEN CLUCKS.]
Gosh! That bone stew is smelling great, Dad.
Wouldn't be Harvest Day without it.
I'm so excited for Uncle Bert to get here.
You guys think you'll tell your famous wolf story? [CHUCKLING.]
We just might.
Are you excited, Al? I mean, no, not really.
Me and Bert fight every year, and I hate him.
I know you're not too crazy about his politics.
Yeah, the guy is nuts.
He voted for King Cragnoor.
That's crazy.
Why is that crazy? Because we're a monarchy.
We don't even get a vote.
Uncle Bert just wrote "Cragnoor" on a piece of paper and threw it at the castle because he loves the guy so much.
I know, but can we just have a nice dinner? [LAUGHS.]
And Bert's my little brother, and I don't get to see him very often.
And, I mean, he did have a pretty rough year.
I can be civil.
As long as he can be civil, too, there won't be any problems.
Ooh! They're here.
Bert alert! Cousin Chip, Cousin Tunt! [LAUGHS.]
Ow! BERT: How the hell you doing? [LAUGHS.]
Can't complain.
Oh, there's our little bookworm.
- Ah! - Hi, Uncle Bert.
So, Al just started in the family business.
Oh, putting that fancy degree to good use, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Pow! Bert alert! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, be a doll, uncork that bottle for me here.
Thanks, hon.
Sure thing, Uncle Bert.
Chauncley, your aunt and uncles are here.
King Trex.
King Morgdon.
Queen Gamillagoor.
Lord Vexler.
Have you ever noticed how my family is just so I don't know stiff and formal with each other? Let us shake hands in acknowledgement of each other's presence.
Let us.
It's just like, where's the love, you know? You come from a family of insane warlords.
You're lucky they aren't killing each other.
It would just be nice if we could bond for once.
You know, if we can't connect as a family on Harvest Day, then when can we? Prince, if I were you, I would just stay out of the way and let the day pass without incident.
Or I could curate a fun series of games and other icebreakers that will tear down the walls my relatives have put up.
Did someone say "Family Game Night"? N-No.
I did.
It was me.
Shall we commence with small talk about how traffic was on the way here? Hmm.
'Twas rough.
Hut, hut, hike! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, how was the trip over, Bert? Oh, not good.
We stopped at breakfast in Middle Murkford.
And we had this guy serving us.
Jesus, he smelled like he just got off the spice trail.
So I said to him, "Hey, pal, I don't know where on the map you come from, but around here, there ain't no sea monsters and we wash our ass.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! I forgot.
I'm supposed to watch my words around this one.
Huh? [LAUGHS.]
You're a grown man.
You're allowed to say whatever's on your mind.
Yeah, for now.
Pretty soon, you won't be able to say anything anymore.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't we all say what we're grateful for.
I'll start.
I'm grateful for this beautiful home, my wonderful son, and my brilliant, talented daughter.
And I'm grateful for my boys.
But, more than anything, I'm grateful that I live in Murkford, and that's something that we all should be grateful for.
And you can thank King Cragnoor for that.
Well I might argue that Cragnoor is the absolute worst king in the history of the entire realm.
You're young.
You haven't been out in the real world.
I mean, you don't you don't know how it works.
Says the guy who's hardly ever left the swamp.
I think the claws are coming out.
Pow! Bert alert! [LAUGHS.]
Round 1, Uncle Bert.
Please excuse me.
Hey, Al, come back downstairs.
The bone stew is almost ready.
And I think dad and Uncle Bert might tell the wolf story soon.
Yeah, I'll come down in a bit.
And when I do, Uncle Bert and I are going to have a very interesting conversation.
Come on, Al.
Be nice to Uncle Bert.
He's had a really rough year.
You know what happened between him and Aunt Rhonda.
That doesn't give him a pass to be a full-blown nightmare.
Come on.
Dad said that you can't fight with Uncle Bert.
Yeah, he said I can't fight with him.
He did not say I can't carefully outfox him with a set of well-researched political talking points, all backed up with objective statistics and facts.
That's just 'cause Dad doesn't know those words.
Alright, that is how you play charades.
So, who'd like to go first? Uncle Morgdon, how about you? I accept.
So, I just pretend to do the thing that it says on the paper.
Yes, exactly.
Very well.
Beheading a man.
Clubbing the head of a rival queen.
Beheading an innocent man.
Hurling a corpse off a mountain.
I don't think you heard what I said.
I said beheading an innocent man.
Oh, oh.
No talking.
- Fishing.
- Correct.
Oh! Fishing! That was fun.
- Yes, that was fun.
- I enjoyed myself also.
I, too, am enjoying myself.
Uh, this is nice.
It feels good to be the winner of the game and, therefore, the best.
Chauncley introduce the next game.
Told you.
- Stew's almost ready.
Hey! She lives.
- Hey, Bert.
- Hey.
Oh, you work in the sludge-mining industry, right? That's right.
Local 13.
You know, I heard an interesting little factoid the other day.
Did you know that King Cragnoor doesn't use locally mined sludge in his castle moat? That's fake.
What? People like you just believe the lies that the town crier is trying to shove down your mutton-hole.
Don't fall for it.
King Cragnoor is the best thing that ever happened to Murkford.
- Amen, brother.
- Amen.
Mikey, what the hell? You're on Uncle Bert's side? Sorry, Al.
He's a lot louder than you are.
- Pow! - Bert alert! [BOTH LAUGH.]
- A, uh, uh, uh, gauntlet.
- [SIGHS.]
Um a castle keep.
Um, a-a-Um, a map.
Is it a cloud? I don't know.
It doesn't look like anything.
- Time's up.
- 'Twas an eagle.
What?! One wing, other wing, the tail.
Have you ever even seen an eagle?! You are the one who has not seen an eagle.
You do not know what I have seen.
Prince, things are getting too heated.
Let's just serve dinner and get these maniacs out of here.
No, no, no.
Everything's fine.
I'll just calm things down with a-a lighter game.
Hey, gang, why don't we play something else? So, this next game is called "Never Have I Ever.
" I say something that I've never done, and if you have done that thing, then you get to take a little drink.
I've got one.
Never have I ever brought shame upon my kingdom due to my own incompetence and cowardice.
Was that supposed to be directed at me? Well, it definitely isn't me.
Maybe it was directed at all of you.
Guys, we don't even have to play a game.
We can just have a lovely dinner together.
Never have I ever been closer to pulling my sword on my own kin! - Nor have I.
- Nor have I.
Nor I.
To vengeance! [SHOUTING.]
It is done! I have slain my siblings! Family is nothing! Happy Harvest Day! [LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
Now, that was fun! No, you can't possibly deny that ever since King Cragnoor took over, poverty has been at an all-time high in Lower Murkford.
Because your generation just doesn't want to work hard.
Hey, this stew's just about ready.
I can I can smell the bones getting soft.
If you're looking to change your lot in life, all you got to do is pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
That's how Cragnoor did it.
Cragnoor was born into royalty.
You're being stupid.
Careful, Al.
You might hurt my feelings.
Oh, my God! You're impossible! This stew is really good.
Al, you're the one who brought all this stuff up.
I-I don't see why you have to get so emotional.
- Emotional? - [LAUGHING.]
Emotional?! Well, you know what, Uncle Bert?! I bet you were pretty emotional when your wife left you for the town baker! [LAUGHS.]
Pow! Al alert, bitch! [FIRE CRACKLING.]
It's true.
Boys, um I know I told you that your mom was away on a long business trip, but, um I, uh I lied because I was too embarrassed to tell you the truth.
Your mother left me because I I wasn't able to please her, sexually.
So she ran off with the town baker because he was better at having sex with her than I was.
Sad alert.
Bert - she didn't mean to - Bert I think it's time that we got going here.
I was gonna give you this after dinner, but, um [SCOFFS.]
Your dad said you like books.
I don't know what they are or anything, but, uh, the lady at the shop she said that you'd like that one, so Come on, boys.
Let's go home to our studio apartment.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Oh, it's it's okay.
I mean, uh, I guess, well, you know, you tried your best.
Yeah, so, the stew's ready.
You two should, uh I'm just gonna go to bed.
Uncle Bert? Uncle Bert.
Your dad is no good, boys.
He belongs in the mud.
Hey, Uncle Bert.
Listen, I'm sorry for what I said back at the house.
That was a cheap shot.
But, yeah, I Yeah, I guess I had it coming.
I I shouldn't have been pushing your buttons like that.
I know we don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but how about we just put that aside, at least for the rest of tonight? What do you say? Truce? Truce.
Come on, boys.
Hey, buddy! How you doing? I just wanted one normal holiday with my family.
And, instead, I have turned this into the worst Harvest Day ever.
I mean, technically, the first Harvest Day was worse, in terms of death count.
Hey, what do you say we eat those dead people's desserts? No.
Thank you.
I think I just need to get out of the castle for a bit.
Hey, great stew, Dad.
Yeah, thanks.
So, anyone got any big plans for the year? Nope.
Hey, Uncle Bert, what was that one story about you and Dad and the wolf? Oh.
Why, that is a crazy story.
- Yeah.
- So, yeah, yeah, one night, um, me and your old man here, we, uh we accidentally left the door to the house open when we went to bed.
Big mistake.
And, uh, guess what showed up in the kitchen in the middle of the night! What? - A wolf! - A wolf! [LAUGHTER.]
No way! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Then our old man gets on our case - for leaving the door open.
- Oh, God.
He gives us this big ax and he says, "Now get out there in the forest and don't come back until you kill that damn wolf.
Aw, nuts! Just when the night was getting started.
I'll do a liquor run.
You guys keep talking.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
- Aww! We were just 4 and 5 years old.
- Never killed before.
We're out there for days.
We get captured by a band of Visigoths.
- I love you, Daddy.
- I love you, too, sweetie.
- Happy Harvest Day.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Oh! Chauncley, hey.
What are you doing in town? Hey, Al.
I-I was just going for a little walk.
How's your Harvest Day going? It's actually starting to be kind of fun.
How about you? My dad just killed all of my relatives in front of me, so Holy shit.
Are you okay? Yes.
No, I'm fine.
Yeah, don't worry about me.
Well, I will let you get back to the festivities.
Happy Harvest Day.
Uh - do you want to come over? - R-really? I mean, it's it's pretty low-key.
We're just sitting around, talking, and playing games.
You're playing games? You in? Yes, I'm in.
Oh, you have a little blood in your hair.
I thought I got it all off.
My dad is not what you'd call a gentle murderer.
- Ah.
Yeah, he sucks.
- Mm-hmm.
But do me a favor when we get to the house, no talking about politics.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Fine with me.
Thanks, dude.
- These ugly ducks.
Blowing the bugs off your pillow? [EXHALING SHARPLY.]
Having a heatstroke at work.
- Reviving a dying friend.
- Time! - [GROANS.]
I was blowing on a hot goose-egg omelet before your midday feast.
- Oh! - [GROANS.]
- So close.
- Hard one.
You did well, though.
Alright, well, how much do I owe you for losing? Uh, no, you don't have to pay me.
It's just a game.
Alright! Money in the bank! Wow! [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, my turn, my turn.
Danh, danh, danh-danh-da.
Oh, I don't know how to read.
Um, so I'm gonna pretend to be a dog.
Roooo! [BARKS.]

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