Miracle Workers (2019) s04e08 Episode Script

Children of Women

Oh, boy. Sorry for the wait, everybody.
This morning was crazy.
You again?
Guess you can't sue me for malpractice
- if you're already dead!
- No!
- Dr. Crazybrainz, no!
We're just here for a consultation.
Oh, great. Cool.
I was just joking about killing you.
I would never do that on purpose.
So what seems to be the problem?
Freya's just been exhausted all
weekend and horribly nauseous.
Okay, I wouldn't say
"horribly nauseous."
I mean, that's a bit of a
Alright. Lie on back. We'll scan ya.
Gonna scan you down here.
Good teeth. Okay.
Good, good, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
There's some kind of parasite
growing in your body.
It looks like a tiny man.
Did you swallow a tiny man?
I'm pregnant?
Sorry about that.
Now I get it.
Silly me.
Congratulations. Good job. Alright.
Hey. Congratulations, buddy.
You're gonna be a father.
Hey, Boomtown, we're having a baby!
Dance solo!
Are Are those tears of joy?
How did this even happen?
I thought you were infertile
from radiation.
Me too, but I guess one
of my few remaining sperms
must have made it through.
Yeah, bet it was Squishy.
He's always been so precocious.
I've just never thought
of myself as a mom.
I don't know how I feel bringing
a child into this world.
Oh, no. Come on. Things aren't that bad.
Yes, they are.
The last penguin just committed suicide.
He blew his goddamn brains out.
Okay, so having a kid is scary
but also a life-affirming joy
like no other.
I think I just need time
to process this.
Is it okay if we just keep it
between us for now?
Yeah. Yeah, no, of course.
I'm so excited to spend the day
with my Uncle Tai.
Never call me that again.
I'm just pet-sitting you
while your parents are at the doctor's.
Uncle Tai, you don't need to make up
an excuse to hang out with me.
I'm already so into you.
Get in. I'm taking you to work.
Oh, where are we going?
It's not where we're going. It's when.
I believe the saying is "Where are we?"
not "When are we?"
Okay, when the heck are we?
Back in the Before Times
in the year 2023.
Wow. It's so beautiful.
So green and lush.
- Whoa!
Look at that creature.
Dumb little idiot needs to wear a leash.
So stupid.
- Oh, okay. You're the alpha.
You can do whatever you want to me.
Okay. Come on. Come on.
We've been sent back in time
to eliminate the future leader
of the human resistance.
If I fail my mission,
robotkind will cease to exist.
Hells yeah. That's rad as hell.
I knew we were gonna have
an awesome adventure together.
Oh, no, no.
It's not gonna be an adventure.
He's right over there.
It's cool.
Keep it rolling. Gonna be tight.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I'm just gonna shoot him in the head
and get the hell out of here.
Ah, that's cool, too, I guess.
Morning, Sid. How was the weekend?
Um, good. Yeah. Uneventful.
No big life-altering changes
on the horizon.
- No news is good news.
- Indeed.
Oh, hey, it's trivia night
at the Boomtown Bistro.
What do you say you, me, and Freya
head over after work and tie one on?
Oh, um, no, Freya is not
drinking at the moment,
actually, because she's, um
She's an alcoholic. Yeah.
I mean, she's sober now
but, like, barely.
Ah, geez.
I'm glad she's getting
the help she needs.
- I should get back to work.
- Yes, you should.
By the way, have you seen my notepad?
No, because Freya is pregnant!
Oh, no!
Oh, Sid! Mazel tov!
Oh, thanks.
Oh, yes!
And the answer is yes.
I would be honored to be the godfather.
Oh, good Lord, I wasn't gonna ask that.
And you don't have to.
It's simply understood. Oh.
Oh, I have to get started
on the baby shower.
Oh, no, Freya was very explicit.
She just wants to deal
with this on her own.
Oh, Sid, pregnant women
are so hopped up on hormones,
you can't listen to a word they say.
If anything, you should do the opposite.
Whoa, I had no idea.
And you're sure that won't
come across as patronizing
or borderline misogynistic?
Trust me,
when you're married three times,
you learn a little
something about women.
God, I miss them.
Okay, once I murder this guy,
we have about a minute
to get back in the time machine
before which everyone starts
screaming and the cops show up.
How do you already know
what's gonna happen?
Oh, 'cause I do this every day.
I kill the guy,
the humans send someone back
in time to save him,
and then I kill him again.
It used to be fun,
but now I'm just kind of going
through the motions, you know?
Ah, yes! I did it!
There you are, you little future
genocidal Gen-Z bitch.
- Wait!
- Whoa!
What a crazy way to get my attention.
You could have just said stop.
- Wait, Uncle Tai.
- What?
You said yourself you do this every day.
So what's the harm in just
having a little fun first,
and then we can, you know,
go ahead and kill the guy?
Oh, I suppose you have a point,
but what would we do anyway?
Well, what's the coolest,
most exciting thing
someone can do in 2023?
Something super relevant
but that also perfectly captures
the mood of the time.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Wait, why are we at Morris's house?
I thought we were going to the market.
Okay, so maybe we're not
going to the market.
Maybe somebody has a little
surprise in store for you.
What is this, huh?
Some kind of long con?
You make me marry you,
share a life together
just to set me up for an ambush?
- I'm gonna slit you, pig!
- No, no, no, it's not an ambush.
I was trying to surprise you
with a baby shower.
What? Sid, I told you I just
want to keep it between us.
I know, but then
I accidentally told Morris,
and he really wanted
to do something nice for us.
And, I don't know, I just thought maybe
seeing how happy
other people were for us
might make you feel happier.
Well, okay, fine. I guess.
Just as long as it's not intense
and weird.
No, it won't be.
He said it was gonna be very small,
very casual.
Okay, fine.
There she is. The mother.
- The mother.
- The mother.
- The mother.
- The mother.
Okay, so maybe it's more semi-casual.
- The mother.
- The mother.
Welcome to the Pharaoh's tomb.
The local villagers tried to warn you,
but your lust for treasure
was too great.
And now you are trapped
with only your wits to survive.
And your time starts now.
Uh-oh, I hope the pharaoh
doesn't put a curse on us.
Ugh, I'm sitting this out.
This is too stupid.
Did people in the past
really have it so easy
that they would willingly spend
money to solve a fake problem?
You're just being a stick in the mud.
I'll do it on my own.
Oh, let's see.
I wonder if these, uh
these symbols mean anything.
Maybe if I match the colors.
Yeah. I am feeling good about this.
I'm gonna start all with red.
- I love red.
- No, don't.
- It's the color of blood.
- No.
And I love that.
I love how that looks.
Oh, that's green.
Okay, that's it. That's it.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Obviously, it can't be that simple.
This is the Pharaoh we're talking about.
He's a brilliant man.
Maybe if we translate
these hieroglyphics
Um, I'd be surprised if the game
required fluency in ancient Egyptian,
but this is your expedition.
Go, Uncle Tai.
MORRIS: We here in Boomtown
have no use for the gods
of the Before Times.
So we've established a new religion
based on the thing we care about most,
truly the only thing
that brings us happiness
after a certain age babies.
Sid and Freya are bringing
their own bundle of joy
into the world.
And to them we offer a goo-goo-ga-ga.
TOGETHER: Goo-goo-ga-ga.
Is it just me, or are these people
a little intense about babies?
Why? Just 'cause they've created
an entire organized religion
to worship them?
Uh, yeah. Mostly that.
We will begin now
with the Vows of Parentage.
"As the mother, I vow to feed,
clean, and love my baby,
to sacrifice my career,
my mental health,
even my very body
but then promise
to tighten it up right after."
Keep it tight.
Oh, okay, wow. It keeps going.
"I vow to prepare my child healthy,
well-balanced meals from scratch,
to play with them nonstop,
even when they're screaming in my face,
to always bring a change of
clothes in case of a blowout."
What's a blowout?
That's when the baby diarrheas so big
that the poop literally
blows out the diaper
and up the baby's back.
Look it up. It's a thing.
Wait. This is crazy.
Why do I get stuck
with all the responsibilities?
Oh, take it easy, Mom.
There's a lot on Dad's plate, too.
"As the father, I vow
to hold down the fort."
What? That's it? W-Why is his so short?
To be fair, holding down the
fort is a huge responsibility.
What does that even mean?
You know, it's the fort.
It's the whole thing.
And he's holding it down.
I accept.
Wow, Sid. You are an amazing father.
You get all the credit.
This is some bullshit.
TAI: Okay. Here we go.
Blue is the color of the Nile.
The ankh is the symbol of fertility.
No. No, the symbol
of reincarnation. Damn it.
Hey, Uncle Tai, we only
have 10 minutes left,
and we're still stuck
on the first puzzle.
So maybe we should try a different tack.
Shhh! I've almost got it.
Take the five eyes of Horus
and multiply it by the Chapters
in the Book of the Dead.
Damn it, open, you stupid piece of shit!
Sir, you are gonna break that.
Okay, this is bullshit.
These puzzles are fricking impossible.
You have to be some kind of
super genius to figure them out.
SCRAPS: Solved it.
- H-How did you do that?
- I don't know.
I just matched the colors
on this thingy to that thingy.
Scraps, that is
Well, keep going, you brilliant bastard.
Shut up, you did not.
Yes, bitch, yes!
How the fertile crescent
is he doing this?
It's super comfortable opening gifts
in front of the people
who got them for you.
Very chill.
That one's from me.
Nipple butter?
Oh, very thoughtful, Devon.
Thank you, Devon. This stuff is great.
Your nipples can get so chafed
from breastfeeding
that they can literally crack to pieces.
It's like stepping on a dry cracker
or throwing a brick
through a windshield.
Good God.
I had no idea nipples could crack.
I am learning so much today.
Here we go.
Oh, no. What's a snot sucker?
Okay, so with that, the baby is
too weak to blow its own nose,
so you literally have to
suck out the boogers
with your own mouth.
Now, the baby hates it,
so you got to grab it in a headlock
and take those boogers by force.
Great. Well, that's nice, isn't it?
You've never eaten boogers before.
You know what? I think I'm good.
Yeah, I'm done.
Oh, you can't leave now.
We were just about to play a fun game
where we guess how big you'll get
in terms of which jungle animal
you'll most resemble.
Come on, water buffalo.
Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
Come on, Sid. We're leaving now.
Okay, um, I am so sorry, everybody.
Um, Mom is a little tired,
so we're gonna take off.
But thank you so much
for for all of this.
Where do you think you're going?
This baby is ours
as much as it is yours.
No, it's not. That That's crazy.
That's right. We're crazy for babies.
Now, let us touch that belly.
- Touch the belly.
- Touch the belly.
- Touch the belly.
- Touch the belly.
What the hell?
Let's go. Aaah!
Get them!
What was that back there?
Those people were acting insane.
That's what I was trying to tell you.
People in the suburbs can get
really intense about babies.
Yeah, no wonder you have mixed
feelings about being pregnant.
That's a very different
experience for the mom
than it is for the dad.
Thank you, Sid.
That's honestly all I was looking for.
We forgot to talk baby names!
If it's a boy, name it Jackson!
Oh, not Jackson!
I knew a Jackson in college,
and he sucked!
Okay. You were right.
We need time to process this,
and that is clearly
not gonna happen here.
We need to get you out of Boomtown.
Well, what about you?
I can't just leave you here.
I'll be fine.
someone needs to hold down the fort.
30 seconds, Scraps. Talk to me!
Almost there.
And done!
- Y-Ymmum.
- Ymmum.
I don't understand!
That should've worked!
Oh, we're gonna be trapped
in this tomb forever!
Why did I get into archaeology
in the first place?
For wealth, for glory?
I was a fool to challenge
the mighty Pharaoh.
Wait a minute.
The mirror. It says "mummy."
You have escaped the Pharaoh's tomb.
- Are you serious?
- Are you for real?
- Oh, my God, shut up!
- Shut up!
- Stop!
- No!
She's serious!
Okay, so you all know this is
the easiest room we have, right?
Little children do this in 10 minutes.
- There she is.
- Get her!
We have you now, Mommy.
Sorry, Mommy's not home right now.
If Dad is here, then where is Mom?
Oh, Sid, it's just you.
Have you seen your wife?
[DEEP VOICE] Uh, no, Mr. Rubinstein.
Damn, I really wanted
to touch that belly.
Well, I'll see you at work.
See you later.
Oh, and, Sid.
Great rack.
I don't tell you that enough.
Thank you, Mr. Rubinstein.
No, thank you.
Wait a sec.
Am I gay for Sid?
But am I?
When you pulled that lever
And that sarcophagus flew open?
That was so scary.
I almost browned my shorts.
Oh, dude, I fully browned.
- Oh, that's sick!
I'm glad we did that.
That was a really fun adventure.
Oh, thanks, Uncle Tai.
Alright, well, should we
go ahead and gank that guy?
Oh, I almost forgot.
Huh. Where'd he go?
Whoa! What does this thing do?
No, don't touch that! No, no, no!
Hey, what? Freaky light!
Hey, get off me!
Hey, um
The puzzle with the scarabs was cool.
Right? That was fun.
- Thank you.
- Ah.
Getting back to the future
was surprisingly easy.
We just had to hire a time taxi.
I really like watching clips
from "The Tonight Show"
on the TV.
I really like the games.
Everything looks normal.
Ah. Maybe he never made it
back to our time after all.
Here I was thinking I've
triggered an apocalyptic war
- between robots and humans.
- Totally.
I was like [NERD VOICE]
"Uh-oh, this could be bad."
Hey, that's a really funny nerd voice.
You should break that out more.
[NORMAL VOICE] Thanks. I will.
- Well, see ya.
- See ya.
Down with the machines!
The revolution begins today!
Down with the machines!
The revolution begins today!
Down with the machines!
Down with the machines!
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