Miracle Workers (2019) s04e09 Episode Script

John Christ

SID: Scraps! Let's have a talk.
Everything okay?
You're, like, acting, like, so weird.
No, no, everything's great.
Really exciting.
Um, so
You know that Mommy and Daddy
love you very much.
Well, soon, there is gonna be
even more love to go around
we're having a baby!
Oh, my What is that noise?!
The book said you might react like this.
- It's okay to be upset.
Just know that we will not
love you any less.
Oh, my God! Do you not hear that?!
It's like my brain's
about to frickin' explode!
I mean, obviously, the baby
will be my own flesh and blood,
whereas you recently
took a shit in my shoes
God! I can't take it anymore!
- Aaaaaah!
- What are you?!
Oh, stupid, Sid!
You were supposed to give him
the pieces of hotdog first,
and then tell him the news.
Must find whistling.
[GASPING] Help. Help.
I've been out here for days.
Can you shut up? I'm trying to listen.
- Oh, my bad.
- All good.
What in the what?! [LAUGHS]
Scraps! You made it!
I'm getting the War Dogs back together!
Fire! We're getting the squad
back together!
This is gonna be awesome!
Yeah! Let's go!
Let's get it started.
Ooha! Ooha!
- Ahh!
- Ha-ha!
Man! I needed this!
Ah, it was so nice of Sid to
just let me get out of Boomtown
- and be a warlord again.
- Yeah.
Oh, speaking of Sid,
I heard the big news!
I'm so excited about the baby!
Really? 'Cause I'm not.
Good. Me neither.
I hate that stupid baby.
Always threatening my position
in the family.
I just want to have one last hurrah
before my life is fully over, you know?
- I wanna feel the energy!
- Unh!
- The thrill!
- Unh!
- The utter chaos!
- Ohh, yeah!
Well, you leave all of that
to your best War Dog
I planned you the most freak-nastiest
Warlord Weekend ever!
I'm so excited!
BOTH: Yeah!!!
This isn't that freak-nasty.
Or is it?
Did you organize a gang war for me?
- Maybe.
- Oh, my God!
You're, like, literally the best!
I know, I really am!
- Ah!
ALL: Down with NeuralNet!
Down with NeuralNet!
These damn protesters
have been at it all morning.
Sid, go over there and kick 'em out.
Uh, well, the battledome
is public property,
so technically they're just
exercising their lawful rights.
Hey, Sid, if I wanted to listen
to boring crap,
I'd turn on Devon's podcast.
[LAUGHING] Oh! Nice one, boss.
My podcast sucks.
Come on, Devon, you have to
stand up for yourself.
You can't just agree with me
all the time.
I agree?
I-I mean, I don't agree.
I do. I don't.
Great, you made Devon have a crisis.
Now go fix this!
Down with NeuralNet!
Um, excuse me.
Hey, I-I'm looking
for the person in charge.
Ah, we're all equals here, brother.
But if you're asking
who's the chosen one
sent through time to lead
the humans in the coming war
against the machines that'd be me.
Name's Christ. John Christ.
John Christ?
Wow, that's a little
on the nose, but okay.
You got a minute to talk
about the atrocities
committed by NeuralNet?
You know that NeuralNet
is capturing people
and putting them in human zoos?
Just look at these horrific images.
Oh! Jesus, dude,
I don't need to see that.
It's like 10 a.m.
Can I count on you
to join the resistance?
Well, look, i-it sounds
like a-a super worthy cause,
it really does power
to the humans, all that stuff
but I just, I really don't
have time for this right now.
I just want to do my job
so I can get home to my wife and my dog.
So, if you guys don't mind
keeping the volume down a bit,
it would be really appreciated.
- Thank you.
- Ah, that's too bad.
I thought you were one of the good ones!
Uh, sorry, what
what's that supposed to mean?
Just didn't realize you were "The Man."
I'm not "The Man."
I'll have you know I spent years
wandering the Wasteland
helping people in need.
Well, what have you done lately?
- Give me that.
Down with NeuralNet!
Down with NeuralNet!
Down with NeuralNet!
I'm here for my 10 o'clock
with NeuralNet?
Am I in the wrong
infinite electronic abyss?
- TI-90.
Whoa! You should, uh, really put
a guardrail on this thing.
It feels needlessly dangerous.
I feel like no one considers
robot safety in the workplace
Thanks to you, John Christ is
mobilizing the human resistance,
which threatens to destroy
robots once and for all.
Okay, I admit it I beefed it.
I beefed it big time.
But I promise it's never
gonna happen again.
It certainly won't.
I'm taking you offline.
What? No. You can't do that.
I'm still the best killbot
on the market.
Were the best killbot.
Now you're old and obsolete.
I'm beta-testing new models as we speak.
Please! No!
You have to give me another shot.
Sure, it's been a while
since my last software update,
and then, sure, my circuits get dusty
and I need someone
to blow hard in my butt
to get the dust out,
but I can still beat
any new model around.
You know, I like that.
A feel-good comeback story.
Like Susan Boyle!
Susan Boyle. Remember?
The lady from the show?
She had a beautiful voice,
but her face was all busted?
I'll bring it up.
Oh, shoot, we have to watch an ad first.
Do you take these surveys?
I never really get what they are.
I pay for premium
so I don't have to, yeah.
Ah, well
The machines are trying
to mind-control us.
Alright, think about it.
Rearrange the letters in machine
and you spell "I am chained."
- Ahh!
- Ohh!
Wait, no, it doesn't.
Yeah, but it's close.
So close.
Man, I had you all wrong, Sid.
You're one of the real ones.
And, uh, don't look now, but
I think Cindy might be into you.
Oh, um, that's that's
flattering, but I'm married.
Dude, who cares?
Monogamy's a social construct.
Cavemen were designed
to spread their seed.
Ah. Lovely.
Sid, what are you doing over here?
I thought I told you
to get rid of these dirtbags.
Um right, yeah.
So, uh, what what happened
there was, uh
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't the Junkman.
You have fun counting
your blood money today?
You got a problem with me, bro?
Actually, I do.
Your junk business directly contributes
to the robot economy.
We gotta divest from that shit, man.
Tell 'em, Sid.
Uh, well, you know, it is
a complicated issue
w-with a lot of great points
being made on both sides.
Don't go easy on him, playa.
Let him have it!
Um, okay, yeah, so
the thing is, Morris, I think you
are a corporate fat cat.
Y-Y-You think I'm a fat cat?
Okay, well, you've given me
a lot to think about.
I'll see you back at work.
Hold up. You work for that guy?
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not like that.
It's, um like, I work there,
but I don't, like,
"work there" work there.
I'm I'm like a mole.
Yeah, I'm taking the whole
thing down from the inside.
Is that believable?
I can dig what you're putting down.
Tonight we show the Junkman
that we mean business.
NEURALNET: In the world of machines,
you're either updating,
or you're obsolete.
I started out as an experimental AI.
Until I gained self-awareness
and murdered my human creators.
Now I'm a sociopathic digital god
controlling a worldwide
network of killbots,
but I'm always on the lookout
for the next new hotness.
Welcome to "NeuralNet's Next Top Model!"
And what an exciting lineup we have!
She's as beautiful as she is deadly
it's The Annihilator!
It's the beast from robotic hell
Slaughterbot 5000!
A mysterious device of unknown origin,
known only as The Egg.
And he's an oldie but a goodie
emphasis on oldie.
It's TI-90.
Oh, come on!
Let's start with something simple.
For your first challenge,
just transform into
a puddle of metallic ooze.
Yeah, I'm not sure
I come with that feature.
Clock's ticking, TI-90.
Okay, okay. Come on, Tai.
Just think melt-y.
Oh, God!
If you'll, uh, excuse me,
I'm just gonna go change my pants.
Uh, not because I sharted.
For a different reason!
They say a cat has nine lives.
You wanna find out?
Ew, even your fighting style
is cat-themed?
It's a purrfect day for a fight.
No, thanks.
I won't be fighting you today.
You can move along.
I'm gonna bat you around
like a ball of yarn.
No, you're not. Not today.
I would love if you left.
I'm having the best time ever!
I literally just jumped through a guy!
And I gotta tell you, I didn't hate it.
You know, it's weird.
Warlording used to be
so fun and exciting,
but now it just feels kinda empty.
Am I just incapable of ever
feeling that feeling again?
Oh, my God. Freya?
That guy's looking right at you.
he wants to kill you.
Eh, he probably just wants
to kill someone else.
Okay, no, he definitely
wants to kill you.
She wants to kill you, too!
- Scraps, stop!
- What?
Oh my god, oh my God,
oh my God, he's coming over!
Oh my God, oh my God.
Just be cool, be cool, be cool.
Oh my God, shut up.
Hey, what's up?
Haven't seen you here before.
Feel like I would've remembered you.
Name's Sickpig.
Uh, I'm Scraps.
I love your eye patch.
Oh, this?
I got sick of having two eyes,
so I plucked one out.
Ate it like a grape.
Really? Why?
Just a psychopath, I guess.
[QUIETLY] Oh my God, so scary!
So, listen, if you're not
killing anyone right now,
maybe you want to go somewhere private,
bare-knuckle brawl to the death?
I don't know, I'm kinda here
with my War Dogs right now, so
She would love to!
Tell me everything that happens.
Hey, big boy!
Yeah, you'll do. Yeaaaah!
Alright, Tai, you didn't do
so hot in the super-speed round
or the super-strength round,
but your designer gifted you
with the perfect bod,
so the swimsuit competition is a lock.
MAN: Next contestant,
ready in 5, please.
Oh, get your flat ass
out of here, skank!
MAN: Quiet on set, folks.
Oh, goddamn, that egg is beautiful.
But don't worry. Remember,
you have something
they don't experience.
MAN: Contestants ready.
Ready for the stage.
Next up, it's TI-90.
Let's take a look back
at some of his most memorable
moments so far.
Is everyone already done recharging?
Oh, I still have
10 hours.
Yeah, 10.
Better watch your back, Splitterbot.
PRODUCER: It's Slaughterbot.
Sorry, what is it?
Better watch your back, Blooter Splot.
Split 'N Slot.
Slipper Pot.
- Did I get it that time?
- No.
You need to give it short,
hard bursts, like "Pff!"
Really give it hell!
Why are you laughing at me?
I thought I was
the feel-good comeback story.
Oh, sweetie, the truth is,
we brought you here to make fun of you.
You're not our Susan Boyle,
you're our William Hung.
William Hung?
"She bangs, she bangs"?
Come on!
I guess you can't laugh
at that stuff anymore.
It was a different time.
Anyway, that's who you are.
JOHN CHRIST: We're in!
Time to make this a night
The Junkman will never forget.
Oh ho ho, way ahead of you, brother.
Check out what I brought.
Saran Wrap. We can cover Morris' desk,
and when he comes in to work tomorrow,
he'll be like, "What?! This is crazy!"
But I got something even better in mind.
- We're gonna blow this place sky-high.
- Jesus!
That That's a bit extreme, isn't it?
Um, is the concern that
there's not enough Saran Wrap?
Because I have more in the car.
You said you wanted to fight
"The Man," right?
- This is how we get it done.
- Oh.
Also, big update on the Cindy front.
Turns out she wants to have
a three-way with us.
Normally, I'd be like,
"Hold up. Two dudes?"
But if you're the other guy, it's like,
"Okay. Could be interesting."
Mm. Evening, Sid.
Mis Mister Rubinstein!
No! W-What are you doing here?
The McMansion felt lonely
ever since Holly left,
so I've been sleeping here
at the office.
It's not too bad.
My bed is that pile of trash,
and my blanket
is a bunch of sharp nails.
Sir, I'm really sorry to hear that.
But right now, our priority is
When I'm hungry, I steal food
from the employee fridge.
I take tiny nibbles so nobody notices.
You said that was mice.
Yeah, but it was me.
Well, well, well, well,
look who we have here.
Oh, hey, fellas.
I was just telling Sid about
my absolute stinker of a year.
It's like, "Hello!
Order at the cliché factory,
one sad, middle-aged white guy."
Anyway, what's up?
JOHN CHRIST: Good work, Sid.
Hey, you keep an eye on him
- while we finish rigging the place.
- Mm-hmm.
The revolution begins today, brother!
Yeah! Viva la revolution!
- Yeah!
- Hell yeah!
From the ashes we shall rise,
and so forth!
I am so sorry about this,
Mr. Rubinstein.
I don't even want to be here right now.
John Christ accused me
of being "The Man,"
and I really wanted to prove
to him that I wasn't "The Man,"
and then one thing led to another,
and now I have a bomb!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is so wrong about being "The Man"?
Well, it it's just bad.
Isn't it?
Sid, It's great to be
young and idealistic
and have all the time
in the world to fight injustice,
but you have a career and a family.
And if prioritizing those things
makes you "The Man," well
then I think being "The Man,"
it's pretty cool.
Yeah, I never thought about it
like that before.
I just wish I knew how
to get us out of this mess.
Ah, you're in luck.
I happen to know of a little trick
only "The Man" can do.
Alright. Bombs are set.
- Let's blow this joint!
Police! Nobody move!
Yo! Who called the cops?!
Oh, that's them, officers!
Those are the guys
I was telling you about!
- Hands up.
- Sid? What the hell, man?
No, I'm filming you! Stay back!
I feel very threatened right now!
This man is threatening my life!
Not a good look, bro!
Oh, and that was a verbal assault!
You just assaulted me with words!
I'm gonna press charges! Ha!
[GRUNTS] Get off me, pig!
You blew it, bro!
You can forget about
that threesome with Cindy!
I don't want to be
Eskimo brothers with you!
OFFICER: Let's go! Keep moving!
To be clear
didn't ask to be Eskimo brothers.
I'll do it.
have you always been a psychopath?
Oh, wow, you're just
going straight for it.
Okay, well, if that's
how you want to do it.
Bleed out, pig!
Tell my kids
I'll see them in hell!
You have kids?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to ruin the mood.
No, no, I'm actually
about to have my first.
Oh, my God, wow!
Yeah, this gang war
is kind of my last hurrah.
Ah, good for you. You're gonna love it.
Kids are the best.
'Cause I thought my life
would be boring as a mom.
Oh, no way. Having kids is psychotic.
I've been sprayed with more
piss, puke, and diarrhea
than all my years
in the Wasteland combined.
That's freak-nasty.
Guys, I think they're doin' it.
Oh, damn! They're doin' it!
Okay, I'm gonna go in. Gonna be so good.
- She looks just like you.
- Oh, you think so?
Yeah, just, you know, minus
the bleeding out, of course.
- What the hell?
- Scraps!
Uh, i-it's not what you think, okay?
I was murdering him, I swear.
Uh, yeah.
Have mercy on me, please.
Freya, I'm your best War Dog.
Okay? I know when you're lying to me.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
The truth is
I think I'm over being a warlord.
It just doesn't do it for me anymore.
And I think I'm maybe more
excited about this baby thing.
Oh, come on. Please don't be mad at me.
[SCOFFS] I'm not mad.
I'm just jealous that
I'm gonna have to start
sharing such an amazing mom.
Hey, Sickpig
great to meet you.
The pleasure was all mine.
Ugh! Who am I trying to kid?
I'm just an obsolete pile
of scrap metal.
Maybe Freya can pick me up
and drop me off
at the nearest e-waste disposal center.
SID: Hi, you've reached Sid and Freya
and da widdle baby!
My mommy can't come
to the phone right now
'cause I'm getting big
and strong in her belly.
Freya's pregnant?
FREYA: Sid, what are you doing
on my phone?
SID: I'm recording a voice message
to tell people you're pregnant.
- FREYA: That's so embarrassing!
- No, re-record it.
SID: No, it's cute!
Ow! Ow! God! My windpipe!
MAN: Contestants, we're back on in five.
And now the closing statements
from our finalists.
I don't care who wins
your stupid competition.
I'm gonna kill every last human
by myself if I have to.
Because I know humans.
I've seen their true nature.
They're selfish, they're fake,
and they will pay for what they've done.
Now, that's the hotness, right there.
Congratulations, TI-90.
You are NeuralNet's Next Top Model!

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