Misfits s03e05 Episode Script

Series 3, Episode 5

What the fuck is going on? It's my auntie.
Who d'you think it is? You've got a twin brother? Nowt's getting past you! Oh, my God.
You fancy him, don't you? Has this got something to do with the dead girl at the cemetery? How d'you know about her? Who is she? She was my girlfriend.
She died.
Drugs overdose.
Me and you fought the Nazis and I died? 'You kissed me when you gave me the power.
' And how was that? Yeah, it was all right.
Big news.
You're going to be doing some gardening.
Gardening? Uh, I had a call from this guy at Wertham General.
He's got some weeds need weeding, plants need planting.
I said, "Yes, mate.
I'll put my top people right on it.
" I'd got myself geared up for dog-shit, here.
I thought we were doing dog-shit, man.
It's it's fine.
Tools are in the storeroom, the hospital's that way.
Fucking gardening.
What's he doing here? Do you think he's here to take our powers? It's the law of the jungle, kill or be killed.
Hi.
You motherfucker.
What's that? Ha-ha! No, no, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry, I made a mistake.
I've made a mistake, I've made Argh! Sorry.
He's got me.
Help me or he's going to break it.
What the fuck are you doing? Why are you here? Er Erm I just came to see if you want to go for a drink.
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The city breathing The people churning The conversating The price is what? The conversating This place is heaven And if you see them They're saying what? Are you OK? Yeah.
I thought that went really well.
So, did you want to go for that drink like a date? Yeah.
Good.
I was thinking, bar on the estate, half seven? Wow, the bar on the estate.
Classy! All right then.
I'll see you later.
What about Shannon? You were right.
She's not coming back.
I wonder what happens when he, er when he shags you.
Do you reckon he takes your powers? Maybe that's it, right? Maybe he gets his kicks from just going around, shagging girls and stealing their powers.
Hmm? Why would he do that? Well, I don't know, why does Richard Saunders film himself crapping out of trees? Who's Richard Saunders? A friend.
Just promise me one thing, you'll make him wear a condom.
Can you just shut up about him? Better still, make him wear two.
Double-bag it! LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE BEEPS STEADILY I need to get some bread.
I went to make some toast this morning, it was all mouldy.
We're out of cereal as well.
I'll stop somewhere on the way home.
Maybe just get a takeaway.
I can't do this.
I just can't see you like this any more.
I loved you so much.
Goodbye, Jen.
LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE PACE INCREASES WARNING SOUND DRONES Are you all right? Do you want me to get someone? BRANDON FLOWERS: On The Floor Hey.
I know you can hear me.
And I just want to say sorry.
I have to do this.
I have to get back to him.
I used to hate it, how dark they kept it in here.
Hey, that walk to the hospital, man, it took ages.
Really, that's interesting! There's an anger management counsellor here for you.
For me? Yeah.
It's all part of your "ongoing rehabilitation".
Did you have the last Twix? Yes.
She's waiting for you in my office.
Enjoy.
For fuck's sake.
It wasn't even me, it was him.
Who? Who do you think? This whiny little prick in here.
The other me.
I was seeing this girl, right.
Nice girl, Dutch-Irish.
Had a webbed foot.
Left foot, fine.
Right foot, just a little bit creepy.
Might have been the other way around.
Anyway, so we have this big row, we end up breaking up.
Honestly, I weren't that bothered.
Cos there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that.
She couldn't wear flip-flops.
Because of the web, she had no toe-groove.
Anyway, so we split up.
You know, she's really angry, starts running her mouth off, all gets a little bit personal.
Honestly, dude, I were fine with it, mate.
Not him.
He starts getting himself all upset, ends up trashing her car, she rang the police.
Boom.
So that's why you're on community service? Yes! Yes.
He did it, I took the rap.
I'm totally innocent.
Mmm.
Yes.
We should write a campaign song.
Do some wristbands.
You, you're very clever, aren't you, eh? So, my name's Clare Bradman, I'm a behavioural therapist and I specialise in issues around anger management.
Firstly, I don't want you to feel intimidated, you're not on trial.
All we do is we just sit here and we talk.
We "talk"? You sound surprised? Well, yeah, because it's anger management.
I I don't know, I thought we'd be smashing some stuff up or putting some boxing gloves on, taking turns beating the shit out of each other.
Do we not? We don't do that, do we? I'm afraid not.
Yeah, well, I'm going to have to be honest with you, Clare, when I say that I'm disappointed.
Why don't we make a start? Mmm? Yeah.
DOOR BUZZER Hi.
Hello? You probably don't remember me.
I was a friend of Jen's.
We were at school together.
Right.
Can I come in? Er, yeah.
Sure.
Shall we talk some more about the incident with the car? Yeah, if you want.
What was it, do you think, that made you react the way you did? I honestly don't know.
It were a full moon.
I tend to go a bit mental on a full moon.
I'm like half-wolf.
I do have exceptionally hairy balls, so Can I ask you something? Mmm.
Did you wet the bed as a child? N-No.
It's often linked to anger issues in adults.
There's no shame in it.
Where do you get this stuff from? Cos it's I've dealt with individuals who've wet the bed well into their late teens.
I know it can be very traumatic (GRUNTS) as a child, to have to go through all that on your own.
Yeah, can it? Just give me a minute, cos I've got, er Things I just need to Nice one.
This is such bullshit.
She's onto you.
I think she knows.
She doesn't know anything.
She knows you're a bedwetter.
I'm not a bedwetter! I haven't done that in years.
Haven't you? Now, listen, that was one time.
And I was drunk.
Right? And everybody does that anyway, so it's different.
We should go back in.
She's making some good points, man.
No, I'm not having you in here.
You're popping out every time she gets personal.
You can wait for me outside.
(SIGHS) FOUR TET: She Just Likes To Fight No, fine.
That's absolutely fine by me.
I was only trying to If that's how you feel.
(SOBS) Are you OK? Do you want to talk about it? I've been lucky.
Everyone's been really supportive.
Bringing me food, making sure I'm OK.
PEN CLICKS Sorry, it's really weird.
Jen used to do that.
Actually, do you mind if we do this another time? I'm having a bit of a shit day.
Dom.
It's OK.
Everything's going to be OK.
It's me.
It's Jen.
I'm Jen.
In here.
What the fuck are you talking about? What do you want to know? Our first date? We went to your cousin's house party and we had this disgusting cherry vodka and I was sick on your trainers, and they were new, and they were grey with red, red bits and we moved in here and I dropped the TV and you shouted at me and it still has all these weird lines across the screen.
Everything you told me at the hospital, about about your phone getting stolen, about your dad breaking his finger.
And this morning, you told me about the bread going mouldy.
I heard it, I heard everything, Dom.
Jen? Have you seen Kelly? Not since this morning.
I guess you've been stood up.
DIALS NUMBER ON PHONE RINGING TONE 'Hi, it's Kelly.
I'm not about, leave me a message.
' BEEP I'm in the bar.
Where are you? If you're not into me, just tell me, yeah? First we'll kiss Then you will lock the door, my dear A perfect kiss You moved the sofa? I just shifted some stuff around.
Flat screen TV? Yeah, got it a couple of months ago.
It looks nice.
Cheers.
So much better in here.
This is so fucked up.
Yeah, pretty fucked up.
We should get a takeaway.
How about a Chinese? Yeah, OK.
Cool, I'll just go and get changed.
You told me how could I be loving? Tomorrow, we will not be clearer, clearer I broke my heart when I've been loving Took it away and left me clearer, clearer I do not think that you've been nothing I knew back then what I would be taking on I do not think that I'm in love The reason I hope no dream of the star, the star You told me how could I be loving? You took my heart away and left me I know this is weird, but this is the only way we can be together.
Yeah, I know.
I am happy.
I'm going to order that Chinese.
I need to eat something that doesn't come through a tube.
Oh Right, has anyone seen the other me? He didn't come home last night, you know.
No, sorry.
It's fine.
I just feel weird when he's not inside me.
Do you know what I mean? Not that kind of "inside me.
" Don't do that.
Kelly's not here either.
Shit.
You know what this means, don't you, right? Kelly and the other me, they're fucking.
She didn't show up for her date last night.
Right.
You lot can fuck off back to the hospital.
Except you.
Your shrink's here.
Again? Oh, hold up.
Where's the other one? Oh, she just phoned me.
She's not well.
She's got period pains.
Bad ones.
Don't you hate it when that happens? You know, when you get the really bad ones? Terrible.
Well that's her in the shit.
Brilliant.
Dom? Here we go, driving down Deep and wide Slow down On the beach So Here we are again.
I was thinking For today's session, if it's OK with you we could, um, pick up where we left off.
That's interesting.
That's Oh! Hang hang on.
DISTANT MOANS It's nothing.
Carry on, it's all right.
Oh, therapy I love it! All right? Were you wanking? No! So what if I was? You're wanking, on your own, in a cupboard? We used to do it.
Yeah, and it was weird then.
I never heard you complaining.
What's going on? Have you been wanking? Do you want to say it a bit louder? What? Why are you here? What, you think I was watching him wank? That's what you used to do.
I'm not getting into this.
It's too weird.
Hey! Come here! Oh, let me tell you something, right, she is one amazing therapist.
I can't believe the council actually pay for that kind of thing.
And I tell you something else, if I could be bothered, I would write a letter to Social Services and just congratulate them.
Seriously.
Move.
HE WHISTLES Where have you been? Nowhere.
What's that? It's nothing.
What is that? Is that a love Ugh! It's a love bite! What are you, a 12-year-old girl? You are fucking Kelly! I knew it.
No, it's not Kelly.
It's Clare.
The therapist?! Yeah.
Hang on, that explains a few things, does that.
What do you mean? Your fuck-buddy has just wanked me off.
What?! Yeah, I know! She just whipped it out and starts plugging away on it like she's trying to break it.
Why didn't you stop her? Why would I do that? Eh? God, she's intense though, man.
Did she do all that crying straight after? Like crying, immediately afterwards.
I can't believe this.
I've just shot my load, she starts getting all heavy, like, "I shouldn't be doing this, I'm a total mess.
" At one point, I was honestly considering shoving my cock into her mouth just to shut her up, mate.
Oi! Now you stop it! You don't talk about my girlfriend like that.
No! No! You're not going out with her, man.
She's better than some of the skanky horrible sluts you end up with.
She's old and she's a psycho and she cries after she's wanked people off.
She cries because she cares.
Unlike you.
No, you listen.
You don't get to choose.
I choose.
And that's how this thing works, right? You get back in here, because I'm not having people thinking I'm fucking a 40-year-old woman.
No.
I love her.
And I don't care what you think.
Don't you walk out of this room.
Kelly? Kelly! What are you doing? I just wanted to come.
Why? I don't know.
I'm not in there any more.
I'm right here.
So who is in there? I don't know.
I've no idea.
Look, it just happened.
I was lying there, she came in and we swapped.
That's not right, Jen.
So what? You care more about a girl you've never met? No, of course I don't.
Well, come on then.
Do you have any idea how sick I am of this room? Who is she, Jen? Just forget about her.
I don't think I can.
OK, then.
What are you doing? Turning her off.
You'll have no choice.
You'll have to be with me.
You're not Jen.
You've changed.
I don't know who you are any more.
Dom, wait! Look Dom, I didn't plan any of this.
Get off me.
Dom, please don't go! I came back to you.
Yeah? Well, I don't want you.
I don't want you like this.
Get off her! Are you OK? I think you should leave.
Yeah, so do I.
Kelly? Come on, let's go.
Hello.
Hiya.
Just to let you know, I've been having a think about us Yeah, it's not going to happen.
Right? I mean, listen, thanks for the hand job and the sex and all that.
Brilliant.
But you are you're quite old and you cry, a lot.
Hmm? Bye, then.
Who was the guy at the hospital? Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
You should get changed before the probation worker gets back.
Where were you last night? Kelly, what happened? You didn't even text me.
I was busy.
That's the best you can come up with? Will you just fuck off and stop following me? Hiya.
What? I've I've booked a table.
Do you like Italian food? Are you taking the piss? No.
I'm not taking taking the piss? Prick! Aaarghh! Guys, guys? What's going on with Kelly? How do you mean? Well, she won't talk to me.
Can someone tell me what's going on? Well, there was this guy.
She's seeing someone else? No.
This guy in the hospital.
She had a fight with him.
Why? I don't know.
She won't talk about it.
Right, well we need to find her.
Do the power thing, find out where she is.
OK.
Dr Jones is on her way.
What? What is it? Well, she's in the hospital.
I think it's serious.
Dom! Check again.
Kelly Bailey, five foot five, medium build.
Wears her hair pulled back, like, all the way back, like that.
Sorry.
It's not coming up with anything.
That's the woman I saw.
That way.
This is the room.
OK.
That's not Kelly.
No, she is sexy though, hmm! For a coma victim, she is.
Do it again.
It's her.
She's in there.
Who is? Kelly.
That's Kelly.
It's a body-swap.
They must've switched places.
Oh, my God.
This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in.
Face/Off.
Face/Off wasn't a body-swap.
They had surgery to look like each other.
Oh.
This is more like Freaky Friday.
Who gives a shit? What are we going to do about Kelly? All right, come on.
Come on.
Why don't you check this out? Wake up! Wake up! Wake, wake up! What are you doing? I'm waking her up.
Don't you think they tried that? Maybe they hadn't thought of it.
Wake up! You're faking it, we all know it.
Oh.
I didn't know she had visitors.
Are you family? I'm her brother.
Could I have a word? Dick head! Oooh, eh! I've just spoken to your mother.
I don't know if she's told you yet, she's made the decision to turn Jen's ventilator off.
You may want to say goodbye.
No, you can't do that.
I'm sorry.
They're shutting her down.
What? They're turning off her life support.
We need to steal the body.
Oh! What are you saying? If she dies, Kelly dies.
Let's pack her up.
Where will we take her? The Community Centre.
The Community Centre.
Brilliant.
That is the perfect place to take a girl in a coma, innit? You take the beepy thing, the breathing thing and the piss-bag.
Hiya, hello, I'm just visiting my granddad, and I'm pretty sure he's prolapsed his anus.
I mean, I'm not an expert, but it's looking that way.
Could you just come and have a look for me? Nice one, cheers.
He's just down here, he's in a terrible way.
Really painful for him.
Just prod him in the stomach or something.
Just there.
Oh, sh! BEEPING BEEPING STOPS Come on.
ALARM STARTS Shit! Grab her hand.
Can you just hurry up, yeah? Hey! Wait! Come on.
Get in the front! Quickly! You all right? Kell? Kelly? What are you doing? I've lost him.
I've lost everything.
I know exactly how you feel.
Come on, move, man! Oh, well I feel like I should be helping! Call the other Kelly.
We need her to get here and make her swap back.
Right, I'm on it.
She was my first, Clare.
I never really done it without him before, you know.
By meself, just me.
Afterwards, she just lay on me.
We were there for ages.
He just sleeps with people, he's out of there before he's had time to take his condom off.
I'm never going to find anyone, am I? Do you want another one? Yeah.
PHONE RINGS Hello? 'Hello?' What have you said to Clare? What are you doing on Kelly's phone? 'Where are you now?' I'm out.
With Kelly.
No, that's not Kelly.
'Kelly's in a coma, there's someone else inside her.
'You need to get her back to the Community Centre right now, 'or the real Kelly's going to die.
' We need to get away, we need to get some fresh air.
What about the seaside? Cos that always really cheers me up, like a nice donkey ride.
Eh, that's the probation worker's car.
I can drive us down there, come on.
Keys are down here.
We could get some fish and chips.
Do you like fish and chips? Course you do.
It's just in here.
The keys are in there.
MEDICAL EQUIPMENT BEEPING No.
You can't make me go back in there.
Why is there a girl in a coma in the store room? Hey, you're going nowhere.
We were supposed to be going out for a drink together.
Me and Kelly.
It could've been nothing.
Maybe she would've been too high maintenance, maybe I would've got on her nerves.
But what if she liked me? What if we were good together? We were good together.
Me and Dom.
What, the guy from the hospital? I thought I could make it work.
I was wrong.
He doesn't love me any more.
Not like this.
That is not you.
I just don't want to be this person any more.
You've called an ambulance, yeah? We should call an ambulance.
We can't.
They'll think it's Kelly, they'll arrest her.
It weren't Kelly though, were it? Yeah, well, try explaining that.
Why did she stab me? What did I ever do to her? That wasn't Kelly.
She swapped bodies.
What? We've kind of got these powers.
We're like superheroes.
Show him.
Come on.
What the fuck? You'll be fine.
I can't believe I never picked up on it.
(LAUGHS) You bunch of dicks.
Fucking superheroes? And when I'm gone We'll meet again As often do the closest friends So dry your eyes And lay me down I tell you this is not the end You have to promise me.
If I go back in there, find Dom and bring him here.
I want him to see me one last time, like I was.
Don't let him leave me like that.
You can't leave me in there.
Do you understand? I understand.
Kelly? You OK? Come on.
It's what she wanted.
It's good to see you again.
I've missed you.
Goodbye, Jen.
ELECTRONIC BEEPING FASTER BEEPING (SOBS) FLATLINE TONE (SOBBING) So does this make the Power Guy one of the gang now? Cos I don't know how I feel about that, you know.
We're not a gang, man.
This ain't primary school.
What's his name anyway? It's Seth.
(TUTS) Seth.
Seth.
"All right, my name is Seth.
Can I be one of your gang?" So I guess you stood me up.
I was in a fucking coma.
Oh, that's your excuse, is it? Kell Sorry.
Can we, er, borrow your boyfriend's BMW? We've got a probation worker to bury and he's actually quite heavy, so Thanks Seth.
Cheers for getting me out and everything.
It's OK.
But then I saved you from the Nazis so we're probably all square.
I'm glad you're back.
You just fuck me and leave? You said you weren't one of those guys! Yeah.
I lied.
You can't remember someone you had sex with? Classy.
What the fuck is that?! Did I have sex with you last night? You need to try and remember what happened.
So you fucked someone in my bed?! I'm scared.
Are you pregnant? What? It's OK.
I know it's not what either of us planned.
I just want to say that I'm there for you.
I keep randomly changing.
Something's going on with my power.
Swap back, just stop moaning about it.
I can't switch back.
An exclusive of web proposed by " Benjo The Masked Robber ".