Mission Hill (1999) s01e01 Episode Script

Hey, Ron, is it okay if l take off a little early today? l'm having dinner with my folks, and they're way out in the suburbs, so-- No way.
Everybody gonna stay late, do inventory tonight.
Nobody leaves early.
Are you kidding me? -But that's your job.
-Yeah, but l gotta leave early.
l got a hot date.
With big phony jugs, the kind l like.
That jerk.
He's always doing this to us.
Clearly this calls for drastic action.
Okay, everybody, work's over.
And nobody saw anything, right? Right! That was great.
You're the Spartacus of us wage slaves.
Thanks.
l always thought of myself more as Popeye but Spartacus is good too.
Though it's not really fair to compare them because they lived in different times and-- Would you like to go out on a date with me? Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah, l'd love to.
How about Saturday? My roommates and l are having a party.
Would you like to come as my date instead of as my coworker? So when you put the moves on me it won't be sexual harassment? -Exactly.
-lt's a date.
Hey, look out.
Hey, wanna buy an air conditioner? No, thanks.
Sit still, please.
-Calm down.
-Hey, Natalie.
-You want some help with those? -Thanks, yeah.
Carlos and l have just been exhausted lately with the baby's schedule -and the noise in this building.
-l know.
l could barely get to sleep with the sound of Gus and Wally fighting.
What are you looking at? We made up.
Sorry about all the brouhaha last night.
You been in a relationship this long, you're bound to have a few beefs.
We'd have a few less beefs if someone would learn to pick up after himself.
l said l would use the hamper.
Enough! Posey? Jim? Anybody home? Jim! -Hello? -Down here.
Oh, hey.
What's going on? Wanna drive me to my parents' house? They're moving, l have to pick up the dog.
Right, your dog.
Hey, does he still get drunk like when we were in high school? Are you kidding? Dad had to spray the liquor cabinet with dog repellent.
l'll get the keys.
What happened to the couch? We moved it over there last week, remember? Oh, yeah.
So the family's moving? -Your little brother too? -Kevin? Oh, yes.
He'll be 1 000 miles away.
Did you know he had a T-shirt made with his SAT scores on it? -How did he do? -l don't know.
l don't care.
l didn't look.
Much better than me.
Well, l'm pretty excited about this transfer.
Wyoming may seem civilized these days but when it comes to direct mail marketing it's still the Wild West.
Awesome.
What about Kevin? lsn't he eating? He's busy packing.
He'll be-- Stogie, down.
Stogie, down.
You wanna go back in the basement? You wanna go back in the basement? Jeez, Mom! His brains are damaged enough as it is! Come here, boy.
lt's okay.
We're gonna have so much fun in the city together.
No more mean Mom and Dad.
l'm gonna take care of you all by myself.
You know, it's funny that you mention that because.
-Well, would you be willing to--? -Did you tell him yet? Hi, Andy.
So, guys, are we going to be roommates? -What?! -Kevin, honey please go wait in the other room.
Here's some fig bars.
Wait a minute.
You want Kevin to come live with me? lt'll just be till he graduates and goes off to college.
You see, he wasn't thrilled about moving to Wyoming, and-- Were you ever planning on consulting me about this? l have better things to do than take care of my stupid kid brother.
A 1 460 combined SAT is not stupid.
A dog who eats mothballs, that's stupid.
A dog, l might add, who you're rolling out the freaking red carpet for! But your own brother, who loves you he gets a knife in the back from Andy French! Look, Kevin and l have never gotten along, and-- Honey, we're taking the piano.
You don't need to practice anymore.
Why would he even want to do this? lt was his idea.
He thinks you're cool.
What? No, he doesn't.
Oh, sure.
He's always talking about his cool big brother who moved to the city to be a cartoonist.
But l'm not a cartoonist yet, l just sell waterbeds.
Does he really think l'm cool? Yes, and you are cool.
You are my big cool baby cupcake.
-Do l even have a choice? -No, not really.
Kevin, come in here.
Andy would love to have you come live with him.
Son, we're very proud of you for being so mature about-- Crap! You did that on purpose, you little creep.
Well, your big feet were in the way.
Mom, he said ''crap.
'' You broke my feet and you're not even sorry.
You're losing your mind.
l'm getting away from you.
Come here.
Boys! Boys! Stop hitting yourself.
Why you hitting yourself? Get off me! Stop drooling on me.
Oh, they'll be fine.
What time do the movers get here? So this is Mission Hill.
Don't get excited.
lt doesn't have anything you would like.
Well, it looks very colorful.
l think it's important to embrace as many ideas and cultures as one can.
-Mom, Dad, and l went to see Il Postino-- -Shut up.
You are so lame.
-Shut up.
-Maybe you should shut up.
No, you.
l'm not the one who's-- All right, you two.
l'm gonna pull this car over right now.
What? Don't let me stop your arguing.
Oh, my-- Away you go.
That wolf is attacking my plant.
Go on back to the woods now.
Posey, that's not a wolf.
That's my dog, Stogie.
And this is my brother, Kevin.
They're both coming to live here.
Oh, a female roommate.
l've never lived with a girl before.
But l assure you l am a perfect gentleman.
Yes.
l can tell by your inner light that you're a good person.
But Stogie there are dark forces at work within him.
My new school.
l smell fresh opportunities.
Excuse me? Could you tell me where Room 41 0 is? l think it's in my pants, man.
Why don't you take a look? l'm pretty sure it's not there.
The ''four'' indicates it's on the fourth floor and-- You're wack, man.
Okay.
Have a good time at the ski tournament.
Excuse me, were you asking about Room 41 0? Because l'm on my way to 41 0.
Oh, thanks.
l'm Kevin.
This is my first day.
l'm picking up something with my ''Obviometer,'' captain: No duh! l like that one.
Kevin, this is George.
George has a girlfriend in Singapore.
Singapore.
At my old school l told people l had a girlfriend in Canada because it's so far away no one could ever check.
ls your Singapore girlfriend the same thing? lt's a more believable ethnic variation.
Stop bragging about your girlfriends! All right, people, settle down.
We have a new transfer student joining us today.
Kevin, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Hello, everybody.
My name is Kevin French.
l moved here from Briarhurst or as you probably know it, Exit 1 8.
l live with my brother Andy, who is a cartoonist here in Mission Hill.
Some of my interests are miniature golf Robert Heinlein novels and collecting novelty neckties.
l have an extra Dilbert tie if any of you would like to trade.
Okay.
Since you all paid such close attention to that presentation l'm sure you won't mind taking a quiz on it! Take out a piece of paper.
Question one: What is the new student's name? Kicking back, eh? May l join you? Sure.
Have a seat.
-Did l just see you drinking? -Yeah.
-So? l can drink.
l'm 24.
-l don't think you should drink -if you can't drink responsibly.
-What?! You've had too many.
You're getting abusive.
-Will you get lost, douche bag! -You're the one who's acting douche bag.
You are wack.
You don't know what either of those words means, do you? You are so lame.
Go away.
You've lost this fight.
No, l haven't.
-Mom and Dad would like to speak to you.
-Honey? Is everything all right? Well, no.
No, not really.
l don't think l can take much more of this.
Kevin is driving me nuts.
Oh, he just needs some time to adjust.
Yes, I imagine your neighborhood is a bit different than what he's used to.
New condoms? What's wrong with our regular brand of condoms? Nothing, but these were on special, that's all.
You cheap gay bastard.
These things are gonna fly right off! l'm just glad we snuck out without running into-- Well, hello.
Where are you guys going? -Nowhere.
-We're going over to Backwash to see Silly Rabbit.
They're a ska band.
l don't think l've heard ska before.
-Do the Beatles do any ska? -No.
And neither does Scott Joplin or Gordon Lightfoot or any of your other ''faves.
'' Well, if you like it, l'm sure it's interesting.
-May l come along? -Sure.
No one under 21 is allowed.
l'd better go home.
Don't worry about that.
Everything will be fine if you just stay cool.
Okay.
l shouldn't be in here.
l feel guilty.
l'm in here under false pretenses.
Sit still and stop attracting attention.
But what if they ask for my lD? l could get arrested.
l'll never get into a good college.
-All because l wanted to hear ska! -Crap! Now the bouncer's coming over.
Be cool, or you're gonna get us all kicked out.
Good evening, gentlemen.
l see some lD there, sir? How flattering you should ask.
Ever since l shaved my beard, everyone has been-- Sir, if you're not 21 -l'm gonna have to ask you-- -lt's happening! Please don't arrest me! l wanna go to Yale or Amherst! Don't call my mother.
l didn't know! He made me do it! Well, congratulations, you little dork.
You've ruined my life in less than a week.
-l didn't-- -Shut up! l did you a big favor by letting you move in with me.
You should be down on your knees, kissing my ass! Oops, l'm sorry, l said ''ass.
'' Please tattle on me.
Please give me a preachy speech.
Won't you show me the way, Reverend Goody McFreaking-Gumdrops? -Mom and Dad said-- -Mom and Dad aren't here.
They're 1 000 miles away.
Why don't you take advantage of that? Stop ruining my fun and have some for yourself, for God's sake.
You're right.
That's the first time you've ever said l was right.
That's the first time you've ever been right about anything.
But seriously, it's time l start taking advantage of all this freedom do things l could never do with Mom and Dad around.
That's the spirit! Good.
Now let's get home so l can start masturbating.
Kevin, is everything okay? Are you sick or something? No.
l stayed up until 4:30 last night.
-Mast--? -No.
Just researching how to be cool.
The lnternet's not as helpful as you'd think.
Kevin! Oh, my goodness.
-What's happened to your inner light? -What? ls it stained or something? Well, no-- Well, no, but it's become dim and venal and wicked.
Like Andy's.
Way to go, Kev.
You burned out your inner light in one evening.
lmagine what we can accomplish this weekend.
l'm really looking forward to your party tomorrow.
Oh, me too.
We deserve a break from this frenzied go-go corporate rat race.
Ron's Waterbed World.
Yes, this is Andy French.
Hey, idiot, no personal calls.
Kevin? Yes, he's my brother.
No way! Are you sure? Yes.
Okay.
l'll be right down.
Mr.
French, l've called you here because Kevin was caught sleeping during his fourth period AP Chemistry class.
When awakened, he flew into a rage and called the teacher a-- A graphic expletive.
-A what? -A foul term.
This.
This is what he called his teacher.
Sir! l don't know how you did things in the suburbs but we don't use those words here in the inner city.
l'm-- l'm sorry.
l've just-- -l've never seen it written so neatly.
-Oh, my.
Perhaps l should just call your parents in Wyoming and discuss discipline with them.
-No! That won't be necessary! -Crap, no.
Please, l'll punish him.
l promise.
l'm gonna give you some serious discipline young man.
See that you do.
Kevin is suspended for the rest of today.
l'm glad you got suspended.
l could never carry all this booze home myself.
Will you buy this for me? l want to have some beer at the party.
Now you're drinking? You're serious about this new attitude, huh? -Yes.
-Excellent.
l was afraid you'd wuss out.
But drinking shows a real commitment to becoming a cooler person.
-So will you buy me this? -Sure, but that's olive oil.
That's maple syrup.
That's shampoo.
Look, if you want a good first beer, try Gruberhof.
That's what l started with.
Hey, guys.
Welcome to party central.
You dudes want a beer? -No, thanks.
Drinking is for waste-oids.
-We don't need liquor to have fun.
Not when we have the Babylon 5 Collectible Card Game.
-Hey, great apartment.
-Thanks.
There's a rumor that Sid Vicious once threw up in the bathtub.
-Bitchen! -Hello.
Oh, hi, you must be Kevin.
How do you like Mission Hill so far? lt's far out.
l-- Oh, l-- Excuse me.
l'll be right back.
Hey, man.
Lay off the Gruberhof.
-That's my private reserve.
-Who the hell are you? l'm the Grubermeister.
And that's all you need to know.
Now get out of here before l kick your ass.
That's right.
Those are some of my cartoons.
And those are some designs for an animated TV series l was thinking about.
Oh, God.
Not another animated series.
l know.
lt's like everyone and their brother has one now.
-Hey.
-Yeah.
And l know you're gay, okay? But, like, l don't even have a problem with it.
-All right already.
-Because history is full of great homos.
Oscar Wilde was a homo.
Alexander the Great was a homo.
And you know who else is great? -You, you big homo.
-That is a hurtful term.
Please stop using it, or l will be forced to clobber you.
Bite me.
All right! Everybody ska! Hey who wants to get it on with the Grubermeister, huh? You do.
-That sounds like Kevin.
-l'm sure he's asleep by now.
Come on.
That is Kevin.
Well, he's probably a little drunk.
Forget about it.
l'd feel better if l could just check.
Well, l do not feel better.
You will in a second.
l promise.
l'm sorry.
He's my brother.
What's he saying? He's saying he's the Grubermeister.
Do any of you have a problem with that? -No, sir.
-Not at all.
Good.
Now l think it's time for you to leave.
See you later.
Hey, Andy.
This apartment sure spins a lot.
Yeah.
lt tends to do that after a good party.
l'm sorry for being so pathetic.
Hey, cheer up.
lt's not everybody who can outdo Sid Vicious.
-Here you go.
ls everything okay? -Yeah.
-He just got a little carried away is all.
-lt runs in the family.
Every time somebody put down a cup, your dog ran up and drank it.
Well, l better get going.
See you tomorrow.
Well, l guess my experiment in being cool has failed.
-Miserably.
-So you're gonna call it quits? lt's too hard being like you.
l don't know if l can do it.
Maybe you'd be happier just being the old Kevin? Well, it's certainly the easy choice.
ls the douche-bag aspect going to be a problem? l can learn to live with it.
Thanks.
And let's just try to forget about last night.
Oh, God.
At least Mom and Dad will never find out.
Sunday, 3:30 a.
m.
Yo, dudes! It's Kevin.
Hey, could you send me my birth certificate? Because I wanna change my name to the Grubermeister! I love being drunk.
I wanna stay drunk forever.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]