Mission Hill (1999) s01e02 Episode Script

This meditation tape is awful.
lt's not soothing me at all.
ln fact, l'm beginning to grow infuriated.
That's not your tape, Posey.
lt's Kevin.
He's been doing that since he was a kid.
He uses it to drown out distractions.
l should've mentioned it to you when he moved in.
You can't stop him.
Watch.
Yo, Pac-Man, how's it hanging? Kevin, Hitler's on the phone.
He wants his haircut back.
-Your turn.
-l'm a leaf in the wind.
l'm a leaf in the wind.
l'm a leaf in the wind.
l want my haircut back! l want my haircut back! Now, what was it you wanted? -Nothing.
-Nothing.
Hello? l'm back from Japan.
l didn't realize you'd left yet.
Sorry about that.
Hey, buddy, how was the computer convention? l don't know.
l forgot to attend.
l spent all my time absorbing the insane culture of modern Japan.
l slept in a cubicle and smoked musical cigarettes.
And that's not all.
-Did you get my eel-bladder tea? -Better.
l got you these.
''Fun Fun Umbrella Juice.
'' ''Anus Bar.
'' That's the future.
Get used to it.
The Japanese are way ahead of the curve.
-l want a present.
Where's my present? -Hold on.
You're gonna love these.
They're next year's hottest fashion.
Hot pants? l'm not gonna wear hot pants.
They're not hot pants.
They're karai pantsu, spicy pants.
Which do you want? Pink happy bear or purple kissing bunny? Can't l just have the Anus Bar? Hey, what are you doing, geeking out or nerding it up? l wish.
This is schoolwork.
l have to write a paper on ocean ecosystems.
You know, l was just reading an article about that.
Maybe you could use it.
Here.
lt's all about marine biology.
Oh, that sounds perfect.
-What? -There are women touching each other -in this magazine.
-Really? Andy, that is pornography.
Mom said that l should never look at stuff like that.
What about the article? -Let me read a few snippets.
-No! ''Topless deep-sea fishing at Yucatân is no laughing matter.
'' There's a warning on the cover: ''Not for minors.
'' l am a minor, Andy.
l don't wanna go to jail.
Even if l weren't a minor, l wouldn't look at your filthy pornography because when l am married and l'm kissing my wife l don't want my head to be filled with perverted thoughts like yours! Perverted? lf you want perverted, check this out.
Okay.
Justice League, Aquaman speaking.
Oh, hi, George.
Oh, sure, l'd be happy to help out.
Thanks for filling in.
l need a couple of hours to get my paper done.
lt's impossible to concentrate around here.
Have you tried ''bling-blonging''? Yeah, but my dad says it scares the customers.
Call me if you need anything.
Oh, Kevin.
My next-door neighbor.
-You're working here? -l'm filling in for George.
Wonderful.
l'll.
l'll take two eyeglass repair kits.
They're very handy, you know.
And how.
Anything else? -l just can't! -Oh, what's the matter, you--? l'm not like you! l care what people think! l don't like my personal life to be everybody's business! Excuse me.
l need some condoms so l can make love to my lover.
And don't smirk, they're for gay sex.
That's how you do it.
Okay.
Shall l wrap them up or would you like to wear them home? Very funny, wisenheimer.
Yo, it's that fool from school.
Hey, sweetie, where the comic books at? Aisle two.
But you can't just read them.
You have to buy something or.
-Aisle two.
-All right.
Stupendous! Holy crap, we're in public.
What are you doing? Bowling.
Hey, Jim, hot pants, èse! Don't encourage him.
Seriously, man, how long are you gonna keep this up? Just until they catch on.
Then l'm off where the millennium takes me.
Yes! Thank you for shopping at Mission Hill Market.
Oh, hey, do you have low-fat salad dressing? No.
Sorry.
Bye.
Yo, man, what was that? Dude, l am trying to concentrate on Richie Rich and his picnic.
But check it.
Dude must have gone home.
-Yo, we better get out of here, man.
-Hold up.
l gotta take a leak.
The dude didn't go home.
He is in there spanking it, man! He is indecent! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Help! Help! Kevin.
Kevin.
Come, Kevin.
Come into the light.
-What's in there? -lt's what you've always dreamed of.
Every man's wildest fantasy.
lnside it's like Yale University.
Man, l am so glad you're all right.
When l heard what happened, l just dropped my bowling ball and ran out.
l can vouch for that.
My hand! ls this to punish me? -Punish you? For what? -For massive damage to the store during the mysterious fire.
Oh, Kev.
Nobody blames you.
That's why they called in the arson investigators.
Arson investigators? We figure the assailants locked you in the bathroom so they could rob the joint.
Then they set it on fire so you wouldn't be around to finger them.
Assailants? Oh, yes.
Of course.
How could l forget those rotten assailants? Easy, Kev.
Let me get that for you, champ.
Why are you being so nice to me? l don't know.
lt's weird.
l've thought about setting you on fire hundreds of times.
l never dreamt it would affect me like this.
Oh, man.
You're still wearing those? Gus, Wally.
Doesn't Jim look gay in those pants? No self-respecting gay man would be caught dead in them trunks.
l would die twice if anyone saw me in those.
Nice linen suit, that's the thing.
Like David Niven used to wear.
Oh, David Niven, David Niven.
He is all you ever talk about! Oh, yeah? You get giddy every time Broderick Crawford's on television.
Which, thankfully, these days, ain't that much! Kevin, hi.
l missed you at school.
Thanks.
And thanks for e-mailing me those virtual flowers.
-Sure.
-Hey, welcome back.
They caught the guys who burned you up and robbed our store.
Really? That's great.
Did they say anything? What was their side of the story? Who cares? l'm sure it's something sad about broken home.
Yes.
And that, believe it or not, is where eggs come from.
So don't forget, kids, nutrition is dope.
For Clearasil, I'm Panzer, your student network EJ.
Now here's your local principal.
Good morning, students.
A special announcement today: Welcome back, Kevin French.
Kevin survived a vicious attack by two of our students John Griffin and Christopher Dodge.
That's why Griffo and C-Dog are in jail and Kevin is Student of the Month.
-All right, Kevin.
-All right, Kevin.
So, Kevin, stop by the office to pick up your laudatory bumper sticker and your complimentary supply of acne medication from Clearasil.
Help stamp out ''zitsophrenia '' with Clearasil.
Yeah, buy more crap, kids.
All right, turn to chapter seven.
Why is Kevin a hero? Because he was attacked.
Keep up the good work, Kevin.
You're a fine example of young people who are attacked.
Excuse me, l'm here for my bumper sticker and acne medication.
so long Griffo and C-Dog! There he is.
How is our very special student? Oh, you know, comme ci comme ça.
Certainly.
Did you hear about Griffo and C-Dog? They claim they had nothing to do with the fire.
They say they caught you in the bathroom with pornography.
lmagine.
An honor student reading pornography.
Why, it's absurd.
With those two gone, it'll be a lot quieter around here for the next 25 years.
Twenty-five years in prison? For robbing a store and burning a bathroom? Twenty-five years to life, son.
lt's not just arson.
lt's attempted murder.
To 25 years! To life! And the award for Video of the Year goes to: -Beck! -Yes! Finally, some justice.
The Beck is back, and at last he-- Orange friendly frog.
The spicy pants of champions.
Hi, Andy.
-Got a minute? -Sure, buddy.
Oops, sorry.
l know how you hate this stuff.
Okay.
What's up? Can you keep a secret? How should l say this? l was manipulating myself to pornography My brother! in the grocery store.
Okay.
And well, then l-- l heard sirens and-- lt's not for minors, Andy! Pornography is not for minors! l didn't wanna get in trouble, so l tried to burn it.
-But the toilet paper caught and-- -You started that fire? -Kevin, those two guys are going to jail.
-They shouldn't have robbed the store.
They took $53! And they could get a life sentence for attempted murder! -l never said they set me on fire.
-You never said they didn't! But l was looking at smut.
lf l tell the truth, people will think l'm a pervert.
Like me.
Yeah, you wouldn't want people to think you're like me dirty old Horny McWhack-Whack! Far better you should send two innocent people to jail! -They're not all that innocent.
-Get out of my room! -But we were getting along so well.
-Out! Hey! Good morning, Andy.
Let me pour you some coffee.
l'll get it myself.
l wouldn't want you to slip and accidentally frame me for murder.
The trial's tomorrow, and l have to testify.
l sure could use you by my side.
l refuse to degrade myself in that fashion.
But l can't testify at the trial without a guardian present.
Then maybe you should call Mom and Dad.
ln fact, why don't l get them on the phone right now? -No, no! Wait, wait! Stop! -Hey, Mom! How's it going? You know what, Kevin started a fire, and you'll never guess how.
No, no! Mom, wait, l-- You're just lucky l don't know their number.
Looks like we've got a 501 in progress.
-What are you looking at? -The jeans you're wearing.
So, Tex, how are things down at the rodeo? Come on.
Everybody knows jeans are cool.
And you should know, Mr.
Fonzarelli.
Or shall we call you Jethro? Hey, jeans are the classic cool pants.
l mean, you know they'll always be hip.
Right? Won't they? Y'all come back now, hear? And when those two got blamed for the fire, l went along with it.
l'm not a hero, just a hypocritical pervert.
Son, it took guts to tell me the truth.
And it'll take even more guts never to tell it again.
Believe me, we'll all be better off if you stick to the original version.
But those guys will go to prison for something they didn't do.
Oh, maybe those boys didn't do exactly what they're accused of.
But they've done other things.
Like defecating in my file cabinet.
Would you like to see? No, thank you.
Mr.
Cresto, you're asking me to commit perjury.
Oh, no.
No, Kevin, l would never tell you to lie under oath.
At the same time, l'd hate to tell Yale Admissions you were pleasuring yourself in a public restroom.
l might even get confused and tell them you defecated in my drawer.
And we don't want that, do we, Kevin? No, sir.
And they jammed the door, trapping you in the bathroom? Yes, as l recall.
And then they set you on fire with this magazine.
Kevin? Did they set you on fire? Yes.
Yes.
Yes, ma'am.
Once again, the gallery shall refrain from heckling the witness.
Sorry.
-No further questions.
-l told you you should've pled guilty.
Man, just tell them homeboy was in there spanking it.
l am not gonna drag that young man through the mud for you.
Mr.
French.
Since you're an honor student and are very busy, l'll keep it short.
Actually, l don't have any questions.
Let me go straight to my closing statement.
Attempted murder, they say.
Well, l say, ''Ha!'' l submit that if these two ruthless thugs wanted to murder this honor student he'd be dead.
l mean, look at them, they're scum.
Yo, man, tell them! He was in there whacking it! All right, that's it.
The defense rests.
Very good.
You may step down, Kevin.
This sucks! Where's justice? Kevin.
Kevin.
Why aren't you telling the truth? Are you ashamed of me? No.
l just don't want everybody to know about our liaison.
l said, the witness may step down.
lf you don't confess, l'll morph my face into your mother's.
Live with that image for the rest of your life.
Kevin, honey! What did l teach you about--? Oh, God, no! Wait! They're innocent! l'm the one who burned down the store.
l was manipulating myself to pornography.
l tried to hide it by flushing it down the toilet.
But it backed up, so l set it on fire and things got out of control.
Those two had nothing to do with it.
Yo, Whack Man! Coming through.
-Pornography? -Shocking! -Self-abuse? -l never-- So that what's happened to his hand.
Now, just a minute here! -Who are you? -l'm Andy French.
And Kevin is my brother.
-l'm sorry, did you say ''lover''? -Brother.
-Because those pants look gay.
-They're not gay! People, you mock this boy, but it's your fault he's here today.
Your hypocrisy has made this boy a prisoner terrified of his own sexuality.
So much so, he'd rather send two relatively innocent men to prison than admit he looks at pornography.
Not anymore! From now on, l'm sticking to lingerie catalogs.
He thinks his natural urges are filthy and perverted.
And why? Because of your conspiracy of silence.
Nobody dares admit the truth: That you're all just like him! Oh, come on! You've never looked at pornography? Well, only in magazines and films.
And you! You've never manipulated yourself? Well, maybe once, by accident.
And the rest of you, do you have the courage to tell the truth like my brother did on the stand? -l like smut.
-And so do l, my friend.
The truth is nothing to be ashamed of.
ln fact, the only thing that's shameful is your hypocrisy.
So shame on you for judging this boy.
-Shame, shame.
-We were wrong.
-l am so sorry.
-Yeah, we're sorry.
The man in the hot pants speaks the truth.
Case dismissed.
Man! Next time, we gotta find a guy spanking it at a bank.
But they rob my store! Well, perhaps you should've given a rousing speech.
Wow, Andy, l never realized so many people were so perverted.
Thanks for standing up for me like that.
Well, l'm proud of you.
You did the right thing.
Besides, wearing these crazy pants made me feel well, invincible.
Hey, what happened to your karai pantsu? l thought the cool people were wearing them.
We were.
Then they caught on with everybody else.
Nuts! BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]