Mission Hill (1999) s01e03 Episode Script
Andy and Kevin Make a Friend (or One Bang for Two Brothers)
Just a tiny dab like that.
Now for the hills.
-Palette knife or fan brush? -Fan brush.
No contest.
Thin it with turpentine.
-Use the fan brush.
-Take more Thorazine.
--fan brush.
-Yes! -Good call.
That's nice.
And down here, I think we'll have to put A happy little tree.
A happy little tree! a happy little tree.
Yes! l love you, man.
l wouldn't get too involved in that program.
lt's almost 8, and my friends are coming over to watch Babylon 5.
See? l reserved it a week ago.
lt's a done deal.
-The die is cast.
-Fine.
Believe me, l've got better things to do on a Saturday night than watch TV.
-Hey, wanna get sloshed? -l have a date.
But good idea.
l'll get sloshed first.
Hey, Posey.
You wanna hang tonight? -Sure.
Get your stuff.
We're late.
-Where are we going? Potluck supper for my Women's Anger Collective.
They won't like it.
But l'll say the salad is from both of us.
Why don't you go ahead, and l'll catch up later.
Groovy.
l'll see you there.
-Babylon 5.
Babylon 5.
-Babylon 5.
Babylon 5.
No more talking, starting now.
I don't take kindly to ultimatums, officer.
Fire orbital grenades.
Gwen.
My old standby.
Hey, it's Andy.
l know this is sort of last-minute but it looks like l've decided to go out tonight after all.
-So call me and-- -Oh, sorry.
l just made plans to have last-minute sex with somebody else.
Colgate presents Ed Wynn and his band of merrymakers.
Hello there, people.
Oh, God.
The old-time radio tapes.
Hey, Andy, sure you don't wanna join us? We've got ginger snaps.
No, thanks.
l've got some serious partying to do.
Try not to accidentally nerd yourselves to death while l'm gone.
Rightio.
-Hi, Gus.
-Hey, kid.
You've got a knife sticking out of your head.
Don't fuss over it.
Don't fuss? We've gotta get you to a hospital.
You go to a hospital, doctors always find something wrong with you.
May l at least ask what happened? Some punk attacked me on the bridge.
Threw him over.
Great pickle-loaf sandwich, honey.
-May l at least--? -Stop badgering me! Andy, come on in.
Hey-- l thought that was you.
How you doing? Oh, hey, it's Jerry, right? Yeah.
But my friends call me the Republican Vampire.
Are you GOP, Andy? -l'm not.
l don't.
-The Repubs are cool, man.
Let me tell you my philosophy vis-à-vis our conservative friends.
l follow Marilyn Manson, but l obey Rush Limbaugh.
l hear him on the radio and l just go! Dance with me, Andy.
He won't let us remove the knife.
There's nothing we can do.
Yeah.
l'm afraid there's no law against having a weapon stuck in your head.
-Fabulous.
-Hey.
ls everything okay? Awesome.
l am absolutely at wits' end.
Can you help? l'm going to bed.
l'm out of shields.
l quit.
But how can you quit before you've had your megavolt? -Okay.
Fun's over.
Andy's home.
-No fair.
l was winning.
What's going on? ls that still Babylon 5? Hey, how do you play this thing? Andy, he's aiming at your proton accelerator! -No coaching.
-Hit B.
B! -Andy, your harvesters are hungry.
-Stop helping.
B! B! B! You killed him.
You blew up George's ship.
ln your face, little man! -The brothers French save the day.
-No fair.
He plays too erratically.
Yes.
l love you, Kevin.
l love you! Really? You do? -l'm going home.
-Yeah.
Go on.
Get out of here, losers.
Losers.
But l wasn't even playing.
See you later, guys.
The brothers French are gonna hang for a while.
Andy, do you wanna hear something weird? Ever since l moved here, l kind of thought you hated me.
But now, well, l know that was just an act.
You wanna go do something tomorrow? Maybe see a movie? Sure, yeah.
You got it.
Thanks, bro.
You're the best.
How about some last-minute sex, baby? Hey, Andy.
Are you there, buddy? Hello.
Shut up, Kevin.
What? What? l'm up.
What's happening? Ron's putting people's personal calls on the loudspeaker.
No personal calls! You get personal call everybody gonna hear.
We all listen to your shame.
Shame! Kevin, why are you calling me here? Just reminding you of our movie date tonight.
What are you talking ab--? Oh, crap.
Hey, everybody, Andy has movie date with some guy.
Smoochie, smoochie.
Sure, tonight.
Whatever.
Look, don't call me here again.
Okay.
I love you.
-lt's too crowded.
Let's forget it.
-Of course it's crowded.
Feminoid is the most popular comic book in the sub-mainstream indie-punk universe/metaverse.
Hi.
Sorry l'm late.
But l had to bring my stupid sister.
She's home from Polytech.
My parents are forcing me to spend time with her.
-Quit your whining, Stinky.
-l am not stinky.
Stop saying that.
Hi.
You must be Kevin.
Stinky here told me a lot about you.
None of it bad, l trust.
l see you're studying complementarity.
Which construct of the universe do you subscribe to? Bohr's pretty cool.
Or Newcomb.
But none of them really rocks my world.
l might come in handy in that department.
Andy French, at your service.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, great.
No smoking! -Do you smoke, Tina? -No.
So, Tina, how long are you? Cheeseburger up.
What's the big deal? Ain't you never seen a guy with a knife in his head? Saints preserve us! Hey, bub, your hat.
Where'd you get it? You like it? Take it.
l can steal another one, no problemo.
Look, Mommy, the Cat in the Hat.
Hello! Feminoid is a robot.
She doesn't breathe.
You are busted.
No! She can't talk.
Dr.
Clavius removed her voice adapter in issue 21 3.
Read issue 21 3! -Shut up! -l'm trying to enjoy the movie.
-Jackass.
-Oh, let him be.
He's just really into it.
-21 3! 21 3! -Who cares? All right.
She's holding my hand.
A girl is touching my elbow.
Hey, it's Mr.
Malt-Liquor-and-Bugles.
Sorry.
We're all out of Bugles.
How about the malt liquor and toothpaste? No.
l had that for breakfast.
Say, is Tina here? -Hey, Andy.
-Tina, hi.
Look, l had a really good time last night.
-And l was wondering-- -Hello there, Tina.
George, Toby and l are going to Galacticon tomorrow.
And l thought maybe we could all go.
Galacticon? lsn't that your allergy medicine? No.
lt's the big sci-fi convention.
Would you like to come? l'd love to come.
Count me in.
Great.
So we'll all go.
Hey, buddy.
l've got an idea.
Why don't we have a big sleepover tonight before the con? You can invite all your friends.
-Stinky, the Blobster, Tina.
-Sure.
You're helping me out more than you know.
Hey, what are brothers for? You gonna wear that thing to bed too? Never taking it off.
Solves everything.
Gus, covering the knife with a hat doesn't solve your problem.
Hat, hat, hat! Knife, knife, knife! Can't you talk about something else?! But it is affecting my life.
Well, you're stuck with it.
Unless you wanna go out and find a guy without a knife in his head.
ln which case, good luck! And, Tina, guess what.
l also do a perfect ''Ministry of Silly Walks.
'' Andy, you'll enjoy this too.
Well, l don't know.
l don't know.
Walk this way, sir.
No, follow me.
Oh, l don't know.
Step lively-- -Okay, Kevin, time for bed.
-But we're all having such a great time.
And it's only 1 0:00.
Well, we do have a big day tomorrow.
And it is past George's bedtime.
-But l'm winning.
-Not anymore.
Good.
Now put on your jammies and hop into bed, you little monkey.
Okay.
Hey.
-No more water, Stinky.
-This sucks.
l've never slept next to a girl before.
But l assure you, l'm a perfect gentleman.
lt's okay, Kevin.
l trust you.
Going somewhere? Do you need something? l'm just gonna go talk to Andy for a few minutes.
-l'll be right back.
-l'll wait for you.
Tina? Hey, R2, how's it going? Hey, Posey, guess who l'm supposed to be.
Agent Mulder, from The X-Files.
Oh, yes.
You look just like her.
Andy, who are you going as? A treacherous, perverted backstabber.
l'm sorry.
You wouldn't need a costume for that.
What? -How do l look? -Tina, l must say you make a beautiful Geordi La Forge.
Thanks, Kevin.
That's really sweet.
Do you even know who Geordi La Forge is, Andy? Duh.
He's that guy from Star Wars.
l mean-- Trek.
Star Trek.
Star Wars? He said Star Wars.
A lot of good an expert in dilithium crystals is gonna be in a universe of spaceships powered by hyperdrives.
Good morning, my love.
-Stop fussing.
-Oh, l'll show you fussing.
So much fussing you'll wish you'd never been born.
My God.
Who's manning America's libraries and software stores? Right, Tina? Tina, may l pay for your ticket? Make it so.
Hey! Damn Klingons.
Come on.
Who wants an autograph? You don't have to be afraid of me.
l'm just a woman.
l'm a big fan of your work.
That's sweet.
What the hell did you do to me? You're too much of a stubborn old ox to get rid of that knife.
Maybe the prospect of being a public spectacle will change your mind.
-All that fuss.
-l'm not getting rid of the knife.
Never.
-Oh, my God, look at this guy.
-What are you looking at? Nothing to see here.
Hey, how's the reception on that thing? That man is insane.
Hanukkah is next week.
Stop all this fussing, l tell you.
-Go on about your business.
-Hey, nice head.
-Leave me alone! Please! -Do you do birthday parties? God, why--? Let me through.
Gus.
Oh, Gus! Maybe it's time to take that knife out? Who was l kidding? ln these modern times, nobody's business is private.
Well, what are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen two men hold hands before? Hello, I'm George Lucas.
A broken hyperdrive has prevented me from joining you today but please welcome my friend Jimmy Briskin from the film Return of the Jedi.
And may the Force be with you.
Thank you, George.
l'm Jimmy Briskin.
You might know me better as Ewok Villager Number Two from the hit film Return of the Jedi.
-Are there any questions? -Yeah.
How'd you get the part? Get away from me, you snake in the grass.
What's wrong with you? You've been acting like Surly McDouchbag all day.
Hey, can we just listen to the Ewok? l'm moving.
Yes.
l have a question.
What was it like working with the master, George Lucas? Oh, it was unforgettable.
We Ewoks danced and clapped until Mr.
Lucas blew the whistle signaling us to stop.
And then he provided buses back to Studio City.
What were you thoughts on The Phantom Menace? You pretended to be my friend just so you could steal Tina away from me.
-Tina? -Yes, Tina.
She's my girlfriend.
l'm in love with her.
You gotta be-- Oh, man! -Any more questions? -Yes.
l have one.
Did any of the other Ewoks every try to steal your girlfriend? No.
Ewoks don't do things like that.
Kevin, listen.
She's not your girlfriend just because you like her.
She has to like you back.
And she's not your girlfriend, because you're a pervert! Help! An insane, perverted lunatic is trying to kill me.
Please don't fight.
Hey, be like Ewoks.
Everybody sing and clap.
Face it.
You never had a chance with her.
Because you kept butting in.
You didn't give me enough time to work my magic.
Kevin, no woman on earth has that much time.
Halt.
-FBl.
-Crap! You can't go into the ''employees only'' zone.
Luke! Luke! Luke! Kevin, you stop this right now, or you're gonna get punished.
You can't punish me.
You're not my father.
Oh, my God.
Look at you.
We need to talk.
Listen, l have to leave, or l'll miss my train back to school.
But l just wanted to say l'm really disappointed in you.
At first l thought you were really cute and that we had a lot in common.
But then l realized how immature you were.
-Which one is she talking to? -Who cares? Maybe l'll give you a call next time l visit.
But you'd better get your act together and grow up a little.
See you.
-Bye.
-Bye.
What are you saying bye for? She was talking to me.
No, she wasn't.
She was talking to me.
You're insane.
She was looking right at me.
Excuse me.
l've watched Next Generation for years.
l think l know when Geordi La Forge is talking to me.
Okay.
Maybe the immature part was you.
But the cute part was definitely me.
Why would she think you were cute? Unless she meant cute like a gnome or something.
Hey.
Are those the kids who caused all the damage? Yes.
But let them go.
They must find their destiny.
Jeremy, get in the car.
You're gonna be late for the orthodontist.
BloodLogic
Now for the hills.
-Palette knife or fan brush? -Fan brush.
No contest.
Thin it with turpentine.
-Use the fan brush.
-Take more Thorazine.
--fan brush.
-Yes! -Good call.
That's nice.
And down here, I think we'll have to put A happy little tree.
A happy little tree! a happy little tree.
Yes! l love you, man.
l wouldn't get too involved in that program.
lt's almost 8, and my friends are coming over to watch Babylon 5.
See? l reserved it a week ago.
lt's a done deal.
-The die is cast.
-Fine.
Believe me, l've got better things to do on a Saturday night than watch TV.
-Hey, wanna get sloshed? -l have a date.
But good idea.
l'll get sloshed first.
Hey, Posey.
You wanna hang tonight? -Sure.
Get your stuff.
We're late.
-Where are we going? Potluck supper for my Women's Anger Collective.
They won't like it.
But l'll say the salad is from both of us.
Why don't you go ahead, and l'll catch up later.
Groovy.
l'll see you there.
-Babylon 5.
Babylon 5.
-Babylon 5.
Babylon 5.
No more talking, starting now.
I don't take kindly to ultimatums, officer.
Fire orbital grenades.
Gwen.
My old standby.
Hey, it's Andy.
l know this is sort of last-minute but it looks like l've decided to go out tonight after all.
-So call me and-- -Oh, sorry.
l just made plans to have last-minute sex with somebody else.
Colgate presents Ed Wynn and his band of merrymakers.
Hello there, people.
Oh, God.
The old-time radio tapes.
Hey, Andy, sure you don't wanna join us? We've got ginger snaps.
No, thanks.
l've got some serious partying to do.
Try not to accidentally nerd yourselves to death while l'm gone.
Rightio.
-Hi, Gus.
-Hey, kid.
You've got a knife sticking out of your head.
Don't fuss over it.
Don't fuss? We've gotta get you to a hospital.
You go to a hospital, doctors always find something wrong with you.
May l at least ask what happened? Some punk attacked me on the bridge.
Threw him over.
Great pickle-loaf sandwich, honey.
-May l at least--? -Stop badgering me! Andy, come on in.
Hey-- l thought that was you.
How you doing? Oh, hey, it's Jerry, right? Yeah.
But my friends call me the Republican Vampire.
Are you GOP, Andy? -l'm not.
l don't.
-The Repubs are cool, man.
Let me tell you my philosophy vis-à-vis our conservative friends.
l follow Marilyn Manson, but l obey Rush Limbaugh.
l hear him on the radio and l just go! Dance with me, Andy.
He won't let us remove the knife.
There's nothing we can do.
Yeah.
l'm afraid there's no law against having a weapon stuck in your head.
-Fabulous.
-Hey.
ls everything okay? Awesome.
l am absolutely at wits' end.
Can you help? l'm going to bed.
l'm out of shields.
l quit.
But how can you quit before you've had your megavolt? -Okay.
Fun's over.
Andy's home.
-No fair.
l was winning.
What's going on? ls that still Babylon 5? Hey, how do you play this thing? Andy, he's aiming at your proton accelerator! -No coaching.
-Hit B.
B! -Andy, your harvesters are hungry.
-Stop helping.
B! B! B! You killed him.
You blew up George's ship.
ln your face, little man! -The brothers French save the day.
-No fair.
He plays too erratically.
Yes.
l love you, Kevin.
l love you! Really? You do? -l'm going home.
-Yeah.
Go on.
Get out of here, losers.
Losers.
But l wasn't even playing.
See you later, guys.
The brothers French are gonna hang for a while.
Andy, do you wanna hear something weird? Ever since l moved here, l kind of thought you hated me.
But now, well, l know that was just an act.
You wanna go do something tomorrow? Maybe see a movie? Sure, yeah.
You got it.
Thanks, bro.
You're the best.
How about some last-minute sex, baby? Hey, Andy.
Are you there, buddy? Hello.
Shut up, Kevin.
What? What? l'm up.
What's happening? Ron's putting people's personal calls on the loudspeaker.
No personal calls! You get personal call everybody gonna hear.
We all listen to your shame.
Shame! Kevin, why are you calling me here? Just reminding you of our movie date tonight.
What are you talking ab--? Oh, crap.
Hey, everybody, Andy has movie date with some guy.
Smoochie, smoochie.
Sure, tonight.
Whatever.
Look, don't call me here again.
Okay.
I love you.
-lt's too crowded.
Let's forget it.
-Of course it's crowded.
Feminoid is the most popular comic book in the sub-mainstream indie-punk universe/metaverse.
Hi.
Sorry l'm late.
But l had to bring my stupid sister.
She's home from Polytech.
My parents are forcing me to spend time with her.
-Quit your whining, Stinky.
-l am not stinky.
Stop saying that.
Hi.
You must be Kevin.
Stinky here told me a lot about you.
None of it bad, l trust.
l see you're studying complementarity.
Which construct of the universe do you subscribe to? Bohr's pretty cool.
Or Newcomb.
But none of them really rocks my world.
l might come in handy in that department.
Andy French, at your service.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, great.
No smoking! -Do you smoke, Tina? -No.
So, Tina, how long are you? Cheeseburger up.
What's the big deal? Ain't you never seen a guy with a knife in his head? Saints preserve us! Hey, bub, your hat.
Where'd you get it? You like it? Take it.
l can steal another one, no problemo.
Look, Mommy, the Cat in the Hat.
Hello! Feminoid is a robot.
She doesn't breathe.
You are busted.
No! She can't talk.
Dr.
Clavius removed her voice adapter in issue 21 3.
Read issue 21 3! -Shut up! -l'm trying to enjoy the movie.
-Jackass.
-Oh, let him be.
He's just really into it.
-21 3! 21 3! -Who cares? All right.
She's holding my hand.
A girl is touching my elbow.
Hey, it's Mr.
Malt-Liquor-and-Bugles.
Sorry.
We're all out of Bugles.
How about the malt liquor and toothpaste? No.
l had that for breakfast.
Say, is Tina here? -Hey, Andy.
-Tina, hi.
Look, l had a really good time last night.
-And l was wondering-- -Hello there, Tina.
George, Toby and l are going to Galacticon tomorrow.
And l thought maybe we could all go.
Galacticon? lsn't that your allergy medicine? No.
lt's the big sci-fi convention.
Would you like to come? l'd love to come.
Count me in.
Great.
So we'll all go.
Hey, buddy.
l've got an idea.
Why don't we have a big sleepover tonight before the con? You can invite all your friends.
-Stinky, the Blobster, Tina.
-Sure.
You're helping me out more than you know.
Hey, what are brothers for? You gonna wear that thing to bed too? Never taking it off.
Solves everything.
Gus, covering the knife with a hat doesn't solve your problem.
Hat, hat, hat! Knife, knife, knife! Can't you talk about something else?! But it is affecting my life.
Well, you're stuck with it.
Unless you wanna go out and find a guy without a knife in his head.
ln which case, good luck! And, Tina, guess what.
l also do a perfect ''Ministry of Silly Walks.
'' Andy, you'll enjoy this too.
Well, l don't know.
l don't know.
Walk this way, sir.
No, follow me.
Oh, l don't know.
Step lively-- -Okay, Kevin, time for bed.
-But we're all having such a great time.
And it's only 1 0:00.
Well, we do have a big day tomorrow.
And it is past George's bedtime.
-But l'm winning.
-Not anymore.
Good.
Now put on your jammies and hop into bed, you little monkey.
Okay.
Hey.
-No more water, Stinky.
-This sucks.
l've never slept next to a girl before.
But l assure you, l'm a perfect gentleman.
lt's okay, Kevin.
l trust you.
Going somewhere? Do you need something? l'm just gonna go talk to Andy for a few minutes.
-l'll be right back.
-l'll wait for you.
Tina? Hey, R2, how's it going? Hey, Posey, guess who l'm supposed to be.
Agent Mulder, from The X-Files.
Oh, yes.
You look just like her.
Andy, who are you going as? A treacherous, perverted backstabber.
l'm sorry.
You wouldn't need a costume for that.
What? -How do l look? -Tina, l must say you make a beautiful Geordi La Forge.
Thanks, Kevin.
That's really sweet.
Do you even know who Geordi La Forge is, Andy? Duh.
He's that guy from Star Wars.
l mean-- Trek.
Star Trek.
Star Wars? He said Star Wars.
A lot of good an expert in dilithium crystals is gonna be in a universe of spaceships powered by hyperdrives.
Good morning, my love.
-Stop fussing.
-Oh, l'll show you fussing.
So much fussing you'll wish you'd never been born.
My God.
Who's manning America's libraries and software stores? Right, Tina? Tina, may l pay for your ticket? Make it so.
Hey! Damn Klingons.
Come on.
Who wants an autograph? You don't have to be afraid of me.
l'm just a woman.
l'm a big fan of your work.
That's sweet.
What the hell did you do to me? You're too much of a stubborn old ox to get rid of that knife.
Maybe the prospect of being a public spectacle will change your mind.
-All that fuss.
-l'm not getting rid of the knife.
Never.
-Oh, my God, look at this guy.
-What are you looking at? Nothing to see here.
Hey, how's the reception on that thing? That man is insane.
Hanukkah is next week.
Stop all this fussing, l tell you.
-Go on about your business.
-Hey, nice head.
-Leave me alone! Please! -Do you do birthday parties? God, why--? Let me through.
Gus.
Oh, Gus! Maybe it's time to take that knife out? Who was l kidding? ln these modern times, nobody's business is private.
Well, what are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen two men hold hands before? Hello, I'm George Lucas.
A broken hyperdrive has prevented me from joining you today but please welcome my friend Jimmy Briskin from the film Return of the Jedi.
And may the Force be with you.
Thank you, George.
l'm Jimmy Briskin.
You might know me better as Ewok Villager Number Two from the hit film Return of the Jedi.
-Are there any questions? -Yeah.
How'd you get the part? Get away from me, you snake in the grass.
What's wrong with you? You've been acting like Surly McDouchbag all day.
Hey, can we just listen to the Ewok? l'm moving.
Yes.
l have a question.
What was it like working with the master, George Lucas? Oh, it was unforgettable.
We Ewoks danced and clapped until Mr.
Lucas blew the whistle signaling us to stop.
And then he provided buses back to Studio City.
What were you thoughts on The Phantom Menace? You pretended to be my friend just so you could steal Tina away from me.
-Tina? -Yes, Tina.
She's my girlfriend.
l'm in love with her.
You gotta be-- Oh, man! -Any more questions? -Yes.
l have one.
Did any of the other Ewoks every try to steal your girlfriend? No.
Ewoks don't do things like that.
Kevin, listen.
She's not your girlfriend just because you like her.
She has to like you back.
And she's not your girlfriend, because you're a pervert! Help! An insane, perverted lunatic is trying to kill me.
Please don't fight.
Hey, be like Ewoks.
Everybody sing and clap.
Face it.
You never had a chance with her.
Because you kept butting in.
You didn't give me enough time to work my magic.
Kevin, no woman on earth has that much time.
Halt.
-FBl.
-Crap! You can't go into the ''employees only'' zone.
Luke! Luke! Luke! Kevin, you stop this right now, or you're gonna get punished.
You can't punish me.
You're not my father.
Oh, my God.
Look at you.
We need to talk.
Listen, l have to leave, or l'll miss my train back to school.
But l just wanted to say l'm really disappointed in you.
At first l thought you were really cute and that we had a lot in common.
But then l realized how immature you were.
-Which one is she talking to? -Who cares? Maybe l'll give you a call next time l visit.
But you'd better get your act together and grow up a little.
See you.
-Bye.
-Bye.
What are you saying bye for? She was talking to me.
No, she wasn't.
She was talking to me.
You're insane.
She was looking right at me.
Excuse me.
l've watched Next Generation for years.
l think l know when Geordi La Forge is talking to me.
Okay.
Maybe the immature part was you.
But the cute part was definitely me.
Why would she think you were cute? Unless she meant cute like a gnome or something.
Hey.
Are those the kids who caused all the damage? Yes.
But let them go.
They must find their destiny.
Jeremy, get in the car.
You're gonna be late for the orthodontist.
BloodLogic