Mission Hill (1999) s01e04 Episode Script
Kevin vs. the SAT (or Nocturnal Admissions)
Come on, guys! Wait up! -l can't believe they're finally here.
-Save one for me, please! They're beautiful.
This even smells definitive.
Did you guys read this introduction? ''With the children of baby boomers now applying competition for college admission has never been stiffer.
Where 1 500 on the SA was once considered golden it is no longer enough for those with lvy League aspirations--'' They want better than 1 500? ''Unless accompanied by an impressive, well-rounded résumé.
lncluding extracurriculars.
'' You mean, like sports and stuff? But l was sure my 1 460 would get me into Yale.
Now what are we going to do? lt says here we could get into Palomino Teachers' College or Praise the Lord University.
Great! While you're at it, why not just enroll us at Borchmore? Hey, what's going on? l heard Borchmore.
Did someone say Borchmore? Go, Cavemen! We got fire, we got wheel We got Caveman sex appeal Go, Borchmore! Come on, guys.
Join in.
Don't you wanna follow in your brother's footsteps? -Yeah.
Like l'm going to Borchmore.
-Hey.
We were Playboy's number six party school.
And we had more fraternity drinking deaths than all of the lvy League schools put together.
And that doesn't include hazing deaths.
-Too bad we don't have the code.
-What code? lt's just a rumor l heard in computer camp about a repeating pattern in the SAT answers.
lf you could crack the code, bingo, double 800s.
Well, in the absence of such a code, unless we all want to be Cavemen l suggest it's time to improve our résumés.
And what do our résumés need? -Extracurriculars.
-Extracurriculars.
Mr.
Czelanski.
What extracurriculars do you recommend for the student with lvy League ambitions? Oh, don't ask me, kid.
Lucky for me, we had Nam.
l didn't have to go to college.
-Maybe this one wouldn't be so bad.
-Volleyball? -l played on the beach once.
-Sure.
And this list is practically all girls.
How bad could it be? -Mine! -You're dead, bitch! Eat it! Maybe it was badminton we played on the beach.
So is my massage class paying off? Do you think l am ready to go professional? Oh, yeah.
l minored in massage at Borchmore.
-Can l go next? -Sure.
Oh, yeah! Last time l felt an ass like this, Eisenhower was president.
Holy crap! He's joshing you, Andy.
He says the same thing about my ass.
l'll take Soledad.
l got Maybree.
l don't want any more.
You can have the homos.
Get in the back.
You.
You look smart.
Hold my cigarette.
And don't bend it, or l'll kill you.
-Get it! Get it! -l got it! l got it! And l just don't think this is what the lvy League had in mind.
-Oh, look out, Kevin.
-Duck! -Hey, watch out for my cigarette.
-lt's doing fine, miss.
Kevin? Double 800s.
lf we could get perfect scores, we wouldn't need this humiliation.
Sure.
But how? Toby, you said there may be a code out there.
The way to crack the SATs.
lt's our only hope.
And by God, l'm going to find it.
As soon as l find the exit.
Look, all the SAT tests are generated by the same computer, right? And no computer is completely random.
So if we get enough tests and run the answers through our own computer we should be able to find a pattern.
-That sounds like cheating.
-But is it? Perhaps you'll recall the Kobayashi Maru.
The most difficult test at Starfleet Academy.
lt crushed every cadet who took it.
Except for one.
A sassy young lad who defeated the test by simply reprogramming the computer.
Maybe you've heard of him? Captain James Tiberius Kirk? That is so not true.
-lt is true.
lt happened on Star Trek.
-Captain Picard would never cheat.
Hello? Without Captain Kirk, there would be no Picard.
-Yeah, but Captain Janeway-- -Shut up.
Yo, Dexter.
l heard you in the shower.
Looking for SATs? Yes.
But they have to be actual old tests.
Not practice ones.
No problem.
But when you crack that code, l want it.
l need high SATs so l can get into a good college -where l could play hoops at.
-l guarantee you a perfect score.
All you'll have to do is spell your name right.
-And l'll tutor you on that.
-Deal.
Now hang on to your diapies, baby.
We're going in.
What are you doing? You set off the alarm! You vandalized school property! Well, those things happen when you steal.
Now would be the part when you run.
Hi.
l'm here for my massage.
Posey, customer! Oh, my first client.
How exciting.
This way, please.
How do you like it? -Very nice.
-Good.
Just take off all your clothes and get under the sheet.
-What's the hole for? -Your face.
Sweet.
Lady, that massage was a complete rip-off! l was expecting to have sex! l don't have sex with my customers.
Exactly! Your ad is misleading, missy! Misleading? Could you please explain how this ad is misleading? ''Let Posey's soft hands give you healing relief.
'' That says ''release.
'' Oh, my.
Ta-da! Two hundred vintage SAT tests.
Now, all we need to do is complete a few tests feed them into the computer and search for a pattern.
l see a pattern.
Loser.
Loser.
Loser.
You guys are wasting your prime years on this crap.
When l was your age, l was out drinking and chasing girls instead of worrying about the stupid SAT.
And look how l turned out.
Okay, the moment of truth.
We need more memory, guys.
Go get your computers so we can hot-wire them all together.
-But are you sure they'll be compatible? -Yeah, your motherboard's pretty old.
Don't you be talking about my motherboard! Maybe we should give up and start studying.
No.
No, just wait.
Nine-eighty? My dad could get that.
lt's homing in on the pattern.
lt just needs more data.
Need l remind you of what awaits us should we succeed? God's most perfect creation, the lvy League.
Where brains triumph over brawn.
Where the term ''nerd'' is a compliment.
And where nerds from all over the world convene in peace and harmony to share ideas and play computer games.
And this, this is what we are working for.
Ergo, no one leaves this room until we crack the code! Can l at least go to the bathroom? Sure, if you wanna go to Arizona State or Pomona.
l'll just pee in a bottle.
And before you take the SA Ts remember, your pencil isn't the only number two you should worry about.
For Imodium A-D I'm Panzer, your student network EJ.
Now here's your local principal.
Good morning, students.
It pains me to report that the school administrative offices have been burglarized.
A file cabinet was broken and several years' worth of SA T tests were stolen.
-You stole those tests! -You stealer! You made us your unwitting co-stealers! Hey! Hey, relax.
l didn't steal anything, okay? Yo, Dexter.
We made the morning announcements.
How's that code coming? -Dexter, where you going? -Him? -You're in this with a jock? -lt figures.
Anybody who likes Captain Kirk has to be a jock lover.
-Captain Janeway would never-- -Would you hyper down? The test is Saturday.
And we're this close to cracking the code.
No, Kevin.
You're that close.
Goodbye.
l don't need you anyway.
What--? Who are you guys? Ron, what are you doing here? l'm here for massage.
Bring me a drink.
-l live here.
-Must be nice, huh? -Say it! -Okay.
Listen up.
There is nothing sexual about these massages.
lf anyone's here for sex, this is not that kind of establishment.
Thank you.
Andy, how can you live here? What? Hello, miss.
l'm here about your ad.
No more customers today.
l'm sorry, goodbye.
You're working my territory, baby.
No way.
You're a pimp, right? A good, old-fashioned, bell-bottom and platform-shoe pimp.
Didn't l see you on Baretta? A pimp is an outmoded term, but yes.
l'm here for my cut.
Out! Get out of my home! You-- You cartoonish villain! l will be back.
And you better have my money.
Okay.
That's four years' worth of data.
Here we go.
Well, l guess you'll just need more data, then.
''A plane leaves Denver at 6:05 p.
m.
Flying at 420 miles per hour.
'' ''Flora is 1 6 years old.
Florenda is one-quarter as old as Flora.
'' ''Unscrupulous is to unanimous as education is.
'' Bling is to blong as blangety-bling is to blingety-blang.
-No, blong! No, bling! -Hey, Kev, you want some spaghetti? Andy offers Kevin spaghetti at 9.
lf Kevin is seven years older than pudding how many liters of Andy does it take to get to Denver? There's Parmesan cheese in the refrigerator.
Thirteen hundred! You barely got up at all! You're not even trying! l'm busting my ass, and you're not even trying! More data? That's all the data l have! What more do you want from me? No! And l was this close to cracking the code.
Why don't you just forget the stupid code and study for the damn thing? What do you wanna go to college for anyway, kid? Join the Navy.
Three squares a day and all the gay sex you can handle.
Kevin doesn't wanna hear about your Navy days, Gus.
Yeah, l know.
l just hate to see him go off his trolley.
-Like that other guy.
-What other guy? Well, years back, there was this character who'd sit at the counter all night scribbling on napkins and muttering about this code.
Yeah.
Till he wigged out.
Then all he could do was babble about the train from Baltimore and the ''quadrastic'' formula.
-Do you know where he lives? -Kevin, come on.
Give it up.
Where does he live? That old tenement building on Proctor Street, l think.
But that was some time ago.
Bingo.
Let's see, Pensyl.
Yes.
Number two pencil! Go away! Mr.
Pensyl, l'm here about the code.
All right.
Do not open until you are told to do so.
Sir, may l come in? You know, every year, another sucker comes knocking.
Mr.
l-Want-to-Crack-the-Code.
lt is impossible, l tell you! lmpenetrable! God will not be mocked! l got as high as double 650s.
Hey, you mocked God.
Please, come in.
Yale, huh? l want to go to Cornell, just like my dad.
You'd think 1 320 would be enough for a legacy, but no.
They want extracurriculars.
So l started looking for the code.
That was '74.
Six long years ago.
That was 26 years ago.
Well, at least l haven't wasted my entire life.
Well, perhaps if we put our data together, we could actually crack the code.
All right.
We may begin.
Eureka! We did it! Mr.
Pensyl, wake up.
Are you ready to go to Cornell? Yep, you're ready for Cornell.
Oh, my God! The test starts in half an hour! Yeah, keep banging.
That'll make me come faster.
Good morning.
You got something for me? Sure.
How's this? Not so smart, are you, Mr.
Pimp-Man? Didn't they teach you anything at the Pimp Academy? Look at me.
l'm Pimpy McPimpinheimer.
Hello? Mr.
Pimp, sir.
-Where are you? -Right here, baby.
Posey, help! -Give him some money! -lt's not about money now.
No! l'm allergic to being splattered on the pavement.
Please.
My doctor says l should stay away from head trauma.
No! Please don't! My back! lt's all froze up! l can't feel nothing.
Bad back, huh? Looks like somebody's ready for the old pimps' home.
Would you please help me, bitch? Okay.
Where does it hurt? -Posey, no! What are you doing? -A little lower.
Yes! Yes! Much better.
So that's legitimate massage, huh? Who knew? What the hell was that about? l didn't want him to fall off the roof and not feel it.
Oh, come on, stupid.
You were supposed to meet me five minutes ago.
Toby! George! l did it! l cracked the code! lt's okay.
Take it.
Don't you want perfect scores? My whole life l've waited to be tempted by the forces of evil.
l reject you, Kevin! Yeah.
Get lost.
Yo, Dexter.
You got the code? Don't do it, Dexter-- Kevin.
Topnotch.
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
What school you going to? Yale.
But you wouldn't wanna go there.
They don't even have a good basketball team.
They do now.
Hey, guys.
We're going to Yale! Yale! Yale! Yale! Yeah, all right, man.
Dude, l can't go without my starting lineup.
l was wrong.
lt was cheating all along.
And now l've ruined the whole lvy League.
Kevin, do something! How much fun is college gonna be if everyone is drinking beer and having sex all the time? The codes must be destroyed! -Yay, Kevin! -Way to go! -Give it.
-Never! Dang.
Hey, no! That was the most noble swirly l've ever seen.
Now l'm screwed.
l was so busy trying to cheat, l didn't study.
And if l don't show, l'll get a zero.
Too bad they didn't beat you up more.
You could've gotten out of the test on medical grounds.
Hey, that's it.
You guys can beat me up.
Come on, hit me! l guess we could rough you up a little.
No.
We can't do this, Kevin.
You're our friend.
Did l mention l destroyed your computers? No, really.
The motherboards are fried.
We're talking total meltdown.
Okay! That's fine! Okay! You guys can stop now! This will not look good on your college application! BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]
-Save one for me, please! They're beautiful.
This even smells definitive.
Did you guys read this introduction? ''With the children of baby boomers now applying competition for college admission has never been stiffer.
Where 1 500 on the SA was once considered golden it is no longer enough for those with lvy League aspirations--'' They want better than 1 500? ''Unless accompanied by an impressive, well-rounded résumé.
lncluding extracurriculars.
'' You mean, like sports and stuff? But l was sure my 1 460 would get me into Yale.
Now what are we going to do? lt says here we could get into Palomino Teachers' College or Praise the Lord University.
Great! While you're at it, why not just enroll us at Borchmore? Hey, what's going on? l heard Borchmore.
Did someone say Borchmore? Go, Cavemen! We got fire, we got wheel We got Caveman sex appeal Go, Borchmore! Come on, guys.
Join in.
Don't you wanna follow in your brother's footsteps? -Yeah.
Like l'm going to Borchmore.
-Hey.
We were Playboy's number six party school.
And we had more fraternity drinking deaths than all of the lvy League schools put together.
And that doesn't include hazing deaths.
-Too bad we don't have the code.
-What code? lt's just a rumor l heard in computer camp about a repeating pattern in the SAT answers.
lf you could crack the code, bingo, double 800s.
Well, in the absence of such a code, unless we all want to be Cavemen l suggest it's time to improve our résumés.
And what do our résumés need? -Extracurriculars.
-Extracurriculars.
Mr.
Czelanski.
What extracurriculars do you recommend for the student with lvy League ambitions? Oh, don't ask me, kid.
Lucky for me, we had Nam.
l didn't have to go to college.
-Maybe this one wouldn't be so bad.
-Volleyball? -l played on the beach once.
-Sure.
And this list is practically all girls.
How bad could it be? -Mine! -You're dead, bitch! Eat it! Maybe it was badminton we played on the beach.
So is my massage class paying off? Do you think l am ready to go professional? Oh, yeah.
l minored in massage at Borchmore.
-Can l go next? -Sure.
Oh, yeah! Last time l felt an ass like this, Eisenhower was president.
Holy crap! He's joshing you, Andy.
He says the same thing about my ass.
l'll take Soledad.
l got Maybree.
l don't want any more.
You can have the homos.
Get in the back.
You.
You look smart.
Hold my cigarette.
And don't bend it, or l'll kill you.
-Get it! Get it! -l got it! l got it! And l just don't think this is what the lvy League had in mind.
-Oh, look out, Kevin.
-Duck! -Hey, watch out for my cigarette.
-lt's doing fine, miss.
Kevin? Double 800s.
lf we could get perfect scores, we wouldn't need this humiliation.
Sure.
But how? Toby, you said there may be a code out there.
The way to crack the SATs.
lt's our only hope.
And by God, l'm going to find it.
As soon as l find the exit.
Look, all the SAT tests are generated by the same computer, right? And no computer is completely random.
So if we get enough tests and run the answers through our own computer we should be able to find a pattern.
-That sounds like cheating.
-But is it? Perhaps you'll recall the Kobayashi Maru.
The most difficult test at Starfleet Academy.
lt crushed every cadet who took it.
Except for one.
A sassy young lad who defeated the test by simply reprogramming the computer.
Maybe you've heard of him? Captain James Tiberius Kirk? That is so not true.
-lt is true.
lt happened on Star Trek.
-Captain Picard would never cheat.
Hello? Without Captain Kirk, there would be no Picard.
-Yeah, but Captain Janeway-- -Shut up.
Yo, Dexter.
l heard you in the shower.
Looking for SATs? Yes.
But they have to be actual old tests.
Not practice ones.
No problem.
But when you crack that code, l want it.
l need high SATs so l can get into a good college -where l could play hoops at.
-l guarantee you a perfect score.
All you'll have to do is spell your name right.
-And l'll tutor you on that.
-Deal.
Now hang on to your diapies, baby.
We're going in.
What are you doing? You set off the alarm! You vandalized school property! Well, those things happen when you steal.
Now would be the part when you run.
Hi.
l'm here for my massage.
Posey, customer! Oh, my first client.
How exciting.
This way, please.
How do you like it? -Very nice.
-Good.
Just take off all your clothes and get under the sheet.
-What's the hole for? -Your face.
Sweet.
Lady, that massage was a complete rip-off! l was expecting to have sex! l don't have sex with my customers.
Exactly! Your ad is misleading, missy! Misleading? Could you please explain how this ad is misleading? ''Let Posey's soft hands give you healing relief.
'' That says ''release.
'' Oh, my.
Ta-da! Two hundred vintage SAT tests.
Now, all we need to do is complete a few tests feed them into the computer and search for a pattern.
l see a pattern.
Loser.
Loser.
Loser.
You guys are wasting your prime years on this crap.
When l was your age, l was out drinking and chasing girls instead of worrying about the stupid SAT.
And look how l turned out.
Okay, the moment of truth.
We need more memory, guys.
Go get your computers so we can hot-wire them all together.
-But are you sure they'll be compatible? -Yeah, your motherboard's pretty old.
Don't you be talking about my motherboard! Maybe we should give up and start studying.
No.
No, just wait.
Nine-eighty? My dad could get that.
lt's homing in on the pattern.
lt just needs more data.
Need l remind you of what awaits us should we succeed? God's most perfect creation, the lvy League.
Where brains triumph over brawn.
Where the term ''nerd'' is a compliment.
And where nerds from all over the world convene in peace and harmony to share ideas and play computer games.
And this, this is what we are working for.
Ergo, no one leaves this room until we crack the code! Can l at least go to the bathroom? Sure, if you wanna go to Arizona State or Pomona.
l'll just pee in a bottle.
And before you take the SA Ts remember, your pencil isn't the only number two you should worry about.
For Imodium A-D I'm Panzer, your student network EJ.
Now here's your local principal.
Good morning, students.
It pains me to report that the school administrative offices have been burglarized.
A file cabinet was broken and several years' worth of SA T tests were stolen.
-You stole those tests! -You stealer! You made us your unwitting co-stealers! Hey! Hey, relax.
l didn't steal anything, okay? Yo, Dexter.
We made the morning announcements.
How's that code coming? -Dexter, where you going? -Him? -You're in this with a jock? -lt figures.
Anybody who likes Captain Kirk has to be a jock lover.
-Captain Janeway would never-- -Would you hyper down? The test is Saturday.
And we're this close to cracking the code.
No, Kevin.
You're that close.
Goodbye.
l don't need you anyway.
What--? Who are you guys? Ron, what are you doing here? l'm here for massage.
Bring me a drink.
-l live here.
-Must be nice, huh? -Say it! -Okay.
Listen up.
There is nothing sexual about these massages.
lf anyone's here for sex, this is not that kind of establishment.
Thank you.
Andy, how can you live here? What? Hello, miss.
l'm here about your ad.
No more customers today.
l'm sorry, goodbye.
You're working my territory, baby.
No way.
You're a pimp, right? A good, old-fashioned, bell-bottom and platform-shoe pimp.
Didn't l see you on Baretta? A pimp is an outmoded term, but yes.
l'm here for my cut.
Out! Get out of my home! You-- You cartoonish villain! l will be back.
And you better have my money.
Okay.
That's four years' worth of data.
Here we go.
Well, l guess you'll just need more data, then.
''A plane leaves Denver at 6:05 p.
m.
Flying at 420 miles per hour.
'' ''Flora is 1 6 years old.
Florenda is one-quarter as old as Flora.
'' ''Unscrupulous is to unanimous as education is.
'' Bling is to blong as blangety-bling is to blingety-blang.
-No, blong! No, bling! -Hey, Kev, you want some spaghetti? Andy offers Kevin spaghetti at 9.
lf Kevin is seven years older than pudding how many liters of Andy does it take to get to Denver? There's Parmesan cheese in the refrigerator.
Thirteen hundred! You barely got up at all! You're not even trying! l'm busting my ass, and you're not even trying! More data? That's all the data l have! What more do you want from me? No! And l was this close to cracking the code.
Why don't you just forget the stupid code and study for the damn thing? What do you wanna go to college for anyway, kid? Join the Navy.
Three squares a day and all the gay sex you can handle.
Kevin doesn't wanna hear about your Navy days, Gus.
Yeah, l know.
l just hate to see him go off his trolley.
-Like that other guy.
-What other guy? Well, years back, there was this character who'd sit at the counter all night scribbling on napkins and muttering about this code.
Yeah.
Till he wigged out.
Then all he could do was babble about the train from Baltimore and the ''quadrastic'' formula.
-Do you know where he lives? -Kevin, come on.
Give it up.
Where does he live? That old tenement building on Proctor Street, l think.
But that was some time ago.
Bingo.
Let's see, Pensyl.
Yes.
Number two pencil! Go away! Mr.
Pensyl, l'm here about the code.
All right.
Do not open until you are told to do so.
Sir, may l come in? You know, every year, another sucker comes knocking.
Mr.
l-Want-to-Crack-the-Code.
lt is impossible, l tell you! lmpenetrable! God will not be mocked! l got as high as double 650s.
Hey, you mocked God.
Please, come in.
Yale, huh? l want to go to Cornell, just like my dad.
You'd think 1 320 would be enough for a legacy, but no.
They want extracurriculars.
So l started looking for the code.
That was '74.
Six long years ago.
That was 26 years ago.
Well, at least l haven't wasted my entire life.
Well, perhaps if we put our data together, we could actually crack the code.
All right.
We may begin.
Eureka! We did it! Mr.
Pensyl, wake up.
Are you ready to go to Cornell? Yep, you're ready for Cornell.
Oh, my God! The test starts in half an hour! Yeah, keep banging.
That'll make me come faster.
Good morning.
You got something for me? Sure.
How's this? Not so smart, are you, Mr.
Pimp-Man? Didn't they teach you anything at the Pimp Academy? Look at me.
l'm Pimpy McPimpinheimer.
Hello? Mr.
Pimp, sir.
-Where are you? -Right here, baby.
Posey, help! -Give him some money! -lt's not about money now.
No! l'm allergic to being splattered on the pavement.
Please.
My doctor says l should stay away from head trauma.
No! Please don't! My back! lt's all froze up! l can't feel nothing.
Bad back, huh? Looks like somebody's ready for the old pimps' home.
Would you please help me, bitch? Okay.
Where does it hurt? -Posey, no! What are you doing? -A little lower.
Yes! Yes! Much better.
So that's legitimate massage, huh? Who knew? What the hell was that about? l didn't want him to fall off the roof and not feel it.
Oh, come on, stupid.
You were supposed to meet me five minutes ago.
Toby! George! l did it! l cracked the code! lt's okay.
Take it.
Don't you want perfect scores? My whole life l've waited to be tempted by the forces of evil.
l reject you, Kevin! Yeah.
Get lost.
Yo, Dexter.
You got the code? Don't do it, Dexter-- Kevin.
Topnotch.
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
What school you going to? Yale.
But you wouldn't wanna go there.
They don't even have a good basketball team.
They do now.
Hey, guys.
We're going to Yale! Yale! Yale! Yale! Yeah, all right, man.
Dude, l can't go without my starting lineup.
l was wrong.
lt was cheating all along.
And now l've ruined the whole lvy League.
Kevin, do something! How much fun is college gonna be if everyone is drinking beer and having sex all the time? The codes must be destroyed! -Yay, Kevin! -Way to go! -Give it.
-Never! Dang.
Hey, no! That was the most noble swirly l've ever seen.
Now l'm screwed.
l was so busy trying to cheat, l didn't study.
And if l don't show, l'll get a zero.
Too bad they didn't beat you up more.
You could've gotten out of the test on medical grounds.
Hey, that's it.
You guys can beat me up.
Come on, hit me! l guess we could rough you up a little.
No.
We can't do this, Kevin.
You're our friend.
Did l mention l destroyed your computers? No, really.
The motherboards are fried.
We're talking total meltdown.
Okay! That's fine! Okay! You guys can stop now! This will not look good on your college application! BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]