Mission Hill (1999) s01e06 Episode Script

Unemployment (or Brother's Big Boner) (1)

Our water bed broke.
We want a refund.
Sir, all our beds are made with patented leak-lock polymers.
-They don't just break.
-Well, ours did.
And we have proof.
-No, we don't.
-Helen, please.
For 1 400 bucks, we have proof.
Oh God, Roy.
Don't do this.
No need to be embarrassed, folks.
l'm a sleep-system pro.
l see this kind of thing all the time.
-Now, look.
Look, right here.
The seam's ripping, and l hadn't even started to move in an urgent fashion, as it were.
-Oh, Roy.
-Oh, yes.
You and your perverted bed.
The bed broke.
But you gotta admit, the timing was pretty good.
l'll get my manager to approve your refund.
Ron? Ron! Open up! Ron! l told you! Knock before you come in here! l did knock.
You yelled ''party time,'' and then there was silence.
l fell asleep.
Eating donuts.
Powdered donuts.
-What do you want? -You need to authorize a refund.
A customer nearly drowned in a boning accident.
No refunds! Now get out of here! And turn off the lights.
l need to work.
l am so sick of Ron.
l'm 24.
My life should be about having fun, not taking crap from that bastard.
Why don't you attack him and get it over with? l don't know.
Chalk it up to that unique mix of poverty and spinelessness.
Without it, the service sector wouldn't exist.
There is no money here.
You lazy bodies aren't selling beds! We did 4 grand today.
You already took the money, remember? No! l don't ''remember.
'' You two close up.
l gotta go.
l'm feeling so damn sexy right now.
Give to me your money, you stupid horse! Lousy History Channel.
Always World War ll.
Nothing about pirates or cavemen.
That's history too, damn it! Feeling blue, eh? Well, we could balance the checkbook together.
That's always a funk-buster for me.
l can bust my own funk, thank you very much.
Jim, l gotta have some fun.
You wanna go somewhere? Where'd you have in mind? -l don't know.
-What do you wanna do? -l don't know.
-Sounds fun.
Let's go.
Go ahead.
But it's time to reorder our checks and if you're not here to vote, l get to pick the new design.
Scrooge McDuck it is.
Wanna see a movie? No.
My attention span is 22 minutes max these days.
We could get drunk.
lt's shooters night at Hooters.
Or is it Hooters night at Shooters? No.
l need fun that doesn't go away when l sober up.
Deep-down satisfying fun.
Look at that guy.
lf l could have that much fun l wouldn't have to get married, have kids, nothing.
-l could just play the organ.
-Hey, you don't have to convince me.
How about you, friend? You wanna take this baby for a spin? She's got all your favorite musical styles: Rumba, samba, bossa nova, mambo, waltz, polka, foxtrot, tango.
-Whoa, it's even got super samba.
-Oh, my God! l've gotta try this.
l never knew a man could experience such pleasure.
lt's like an oak-veneered fun dispenser.
Yes, indeedy! lt's the last of the 1 978 closeouts.
They are going like hotcakes, so you better grab it.
-You wouldn't wanna miss out on the fun.
-No, l wouldn't! Step aside! This is an emergency! Forty-two dollars, Cosmopolis Power.
Check cleared.
Seventeen dollars, Mission Hill Market.
Check cleared.
l don't care if that is a song from our genocidal westward expansion.
lt rocks! Don't tell me that's what happened to our $400? -Yeah! Cool, huh? -No.
Cool? No.
That was the money Mom and Dad send every month to pay for my expenses.
lt's not so you can go out and buy toys.
How can you be so irresponsible? Hey, l drag my ass to work day in, day out, while you're geeking out at school.
You don't know a thing about responsibility.
-And you don't know anything about music! -That's the beauty part.
What you know as Beethoven's 5th, l know as red, red, red, blue.
lt's people like you that made Beethoven go deaf! Now, what are we going to do for money for the rest of the month? Can't hear you.
l'm a slave to the rhythm.
Andy, colon, we are out of money! Exclamation point! Oh, well.
Jeez, tomorrow's payday.
l'll put the $400 back then, okay? Now chill out and quit being so freaking bourgeois! Hey, you're dripping on my organ! Brown, you really red me pink You got me so I don't blue, red, green Brown, you really red me pink You-- No! There must be some mistake! The only mistake was made by the owner of this place.
Never paid his taxes.
Now we get his store, and he gets five years hard time.
But today's payday, and l don't have any money left.
-What am l supposed to do? -Get in line behind Uncle Sam, pal.
Well, apparently, your former employer failed to pay into Workman's Comp.
, FlCA and Unemployment.
l'm sorry, but you're not eligible for benefits.
What the hell? Ron cheats on his taxes, and l get screwed? -Where's justice? -Window four.
There is another way.
Have your ex-boss sign this form stating you were a bona fide employee and we'll be able to activate your benefits.
Oh, come on.
Do you have any idea the crap that jerkoff put me through? Sir, l work for the state.
l'm very familiar with crap and jerkoffs.
Well, fortunately, l've got a little something stashed away for emergencies.
Fourteen dollars?! We only have $ 1 4 to live on for the rest of the month? Actually, 1 3.
Andy, this is serious.
You have to get Ron to sign that form.
Forget it.
After the way that creep treated me? l'm not gonna beg him to do me a favor.
l've got my dignity.
You need to start looking for a new job right away.
Why should l break my back working for some ungrateful slob? l'm a cartoonist.
Now's my chance to start making a living with my art.
''Cab driver, carpenter, carpet sizer, cartoonist.
'' See? ''Cartoonist wanted for alternative newspaper.
'' Well, you certainly have a nice touch, Andy.
-Oh, look at this one.
l love the stink lines.
Do you draw minorities? Oh, well.
''Caricaturist wanted.
Must be a people person.
'' Before l start, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself.
Well, my name's Mike.
l'm a lawyer.
And l enjoy tennis.
-Hey, what do you think of that? -What? l always thought the point of caricature was to make fun of your subjects.
You shouldn't have to prostitute your art anyway.
A true artist would rather starve.
Take care of that, will you, babe? l guess l have to put my dreams on hold for a while and get a real job.
Now you're talking, kid.
A real job for a real man.
l can set you right up.
Right between the eyes, like l told you.
Oh, God! And when l came to, there were all these kids standing around me crying.
That's kind of sweet, actually.
Hard day at the salt mines, eh? -How much have you made? -Sixty bucks.
Not bad, huh? Sixty dollars for the month? That's not even enough to feed Stogie.
Don't worry, Kev.
We just have to tighten our belts.
We'll make it.
We're not actually going to buy food here, are we? Right, Rockefeller.
Like we can afford that.
Hop in.
We are going to eat like budget-conscious kings.
Diet chicken bars.
And, Stogie, don't think we forgot about you.
Are you sure this is dog food? lt's got a picture of a dog on it.
l can't eat this slop! l need brain food.
Here's a can with brains on it.
Andy, this is not working.
We need money.
-Get this signed now.
-No way.
l'd rather eat Skunch the rest of my life.
Which, by the way, contains eight essential forms of marrow.
lt's time someone in this family acted responsibly.
lf you won't get Ron to sign this form, l will! l should help you? Why? Because you are brother to Mr.
Smart-Aleck who is all the time ruining my business.
Oh, l know Andy has his faults, but he's really a good person at heart.
Well, so am l! But still the lRS take everything l own.
lf they could, they'd rip the silicone out of my girlfriend's jugs! Hey, you look like nice kid.
How about l give you my car, huh? lt's a Ferraro.
-Very funny, wisenheimer.
-No, no, no, l am all serious.
You take title to my car while l'm in here, and l sign your form.
lRS can't take what isn't mine, eh? Really? l mean, no.
No, l could get in trouble.
Only if you don't give it back to me.
Then l kill you.
l go get you car key.
l'll have to mail you the trunk key.
lt'll show up in a day or two.
l got your form signed.
Would you like a ride to the unemployment office? -Hurry up, Andy.
-Nice ride, man.
Wanna score some Thai sticks? No, thanks.
Spicy food doesn't agree with me.
Hey, weren't you in Sha Na Na? -l was.
-Get away from me.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves! You're freeloading social parasites! Check it out! Uncle Sam is buying tonight.
Your $400 will be just enough to get by until next month's check from Mom and Dad arrives.
Why would Ron choose you to take care of his car? His brain must be just riddled with syphilis.
l guess it's my reward for acting responsibly.
Maybe if you had visited Ron to get the form signed he would have designated you the motor-meister.
Well, motor-meister, could you at least go faster than five miles per hour? Everybody's passing us.
FYl, l am observing the posted limit.
And everybody is not passing us.
Yes, hello.
l'd like to get insurance for a new Ferraro.
Oh, it's my first car.
l'm 1 7 years old.
Just a minute.
I want my partner to hear this one.
Al-- I have a suspended license.
I have a poor credit history.
I committed vehicular homicide three times.
I'm legally blind.
If you've been denied auto insurance, come to DIS.
Driver's Insurance Spectacular.
Just 1 9.
95 a month for any car.
l guess l don't have much of a choice.
Congratulations, and welcome to the DlS family of insured safe drivers.
One for the road? Hey, guys.
How's it going? Get away, you pervert.
No! No, it's me, Kevin.
Do you like my new ride? You always said your first car was gonna be a Crown Victoria.
-Oh, this is okay.
-Damn, whack man.
Where'd you hook up a set of wheels like this? All them sperm donations finally pay off? lf you must know, l'm taking care of it for an acquaintance of mine.
Rosey Palmer.
Oh, God, what's happening? l was responsible for this car.
Now l've broken it! Now Ron will kill me, and l'll never get to go to Yale! -All because l-- -You out of gas, fool.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
See, my mom used to fill up the car for me, and l just sort of forgot to.
Oh, dear.
Excuse me, do you know where l can get racing gasoline of a specialized quality? l can't believe how expensive this is.
A piece of advice, son.
You gonna pay these prices you really should get you some sponsorship.
The latest in precision-crafted wiping technology.
Price, $240.
Two hundred forty? Well, l took on this responsibility.
-ls this a gift? Shall l wrap it? -No.
ls there an ATM near here? -Oh, who cares? -This isn't much of a sing-along.
How come you don't like the fun dispenser anymore? Because it's no freaking Ferraro.
The thought of Kevin driving that car is making me nuts! l mean, what's he using it for? l think he went to the pharmacy to get his special shampoo.
See? And meanwhile, Gwen and l have to drive to the concert tonight in Jim's stupid old crud-wagon.
No offense, Jim.
Hey, l know you hate the Bilge-mobile.
Kevin, Gwen and l have a date tonight.
l'd like to take the Ferraro.
Absolutely not.
You aren't on the insurance.
Big Ally McDeal! You wouldn't even have that car if it weren't for me! And damn it, it's high time l got to enjoy it.
This sucks.
Ron never would have given you his car if he knew you were gonna nerd it up with your Kleenex and your Scott Joplin.
l'm not used to driving with a crotch-- Clutch.
Dollar fifty.
-Andy? -What? Well, it's not my date.
Gwen? Hey! l'm unemployed too.
And l bought the tickets.
Well, that's just great.
Do you take ATM cards? Look, maybe we should just go home.
Rock concerts cause a lot of ear damage.
Sorry, pal.
lnsufficient funds.
No way.
l've got 400 bucks in that account.
Actually, Andy, l had to spend a little bit of money on auto maintenance.
You spent all my money on this stupid car? lt's not your money! lt's our money! -That hurt! -lt's not your pain.
lt's our pain.
Well, Mom always said we should share! Hey, Mr.
Maybe you'd like to pull over, have your broker wire us the 1 .
50? Come on! Oh, splendid.
Now the battery's dead.
You know, l think l'd feel safer hitchhiking with strangers.
-Hey, you in the van! -Hey, all right.
Thanks a lot, Kevin.
Now l don't even have money for booze.
l'm jobless and sober.
There's no excuse for that.
l was trying to be responsible.
By spending 400 bucks on somebody else's car? That's not responsible.
That's just anal.
''Bling-blong'' anal.
You're right, Andy.
l blew it.
But l just can't understand how being responsible could screw things up.
Because sometimes a little irresponsibility solves everything.
Like, we hate Ron.
So let's just sell his car.
Or, better yet, let's just park it somewhere dangerous and wait for it to get stolen.
The insurance payoff's gotta be over 1 00 grand! But that would be dishonest.
No, like it or not, that car is my responsibility, and-- Yippee! We're rich! Four hundred dollars? That is our maximum payout.
But it was a new Ferraro.
With a full tank of gas! Sir, you paid $ 1 9, and l just gave you $400! Now get the hell out of my office before l call the police! And thank you for choosing DlS.
Andy, l feel guilty.
l really ought to go tell Ron what happened.
Well, if it'd make you feel better.
l kill your whole family! -Feel better now? -Yeah.
-l know l do.
-l kill you, mother--! BloodLogic [ENGLlSH]