Mission Hill (1999) s01e07 Episode Script

Unemployment (or Theory of the Leisure Ass) (2)

-Andy! Andy! -What? l'm sorry.
What did l do? Are you okay? What are you doing up here? l just came up to get a little sun.
Well, it was sunny up here.
-That was six hours ago.
-Six hours? Then the mail must be here.
''Kevin French.
As a reward for your exceptional responsibility.
'' Mr.
Kuback, enclosed is your glaucoma treatment.
Yeah, baby! -l got my unemployment check.
-Good for you, Andy.
There's no shame in getting a little assistance from the government.
My generation learned the hard way.
Well, my generation loves it the easy way.
l did nothing, here's my check for doing nothing and now it's time to enjoy the finer things in life.
Workers of the world, get off my couch.
-lt's not your couch.
-Suit yourself.
Don't project your frustration with your sorry, lazy life on me.
l'm not frustrated, Kevin.
l love my sorry, lazy life.
How can you possibly? You sleep all day, you eat nothing but junk food you haven't drawn a cartoon in weeks, and your hair isn't even clean.
How can you even function with dirty hair? Better get used to it.
l've got 1 8 more weeks of unemployment checks so you're gonna see some pretty skanky Andy hair, my friend.
Awesome.
Another movie marathon? What's tonight's theme? Famous barf scenes.
l got the Exorcist The Meaning of Life, Stand by Me The Red Cross Guide to First Aid for Poison Victims and check this out, l found this movie called Barfly.
Andy, l think that movie is actually called Barfly.
Really? Not ''Barfly,'' like the adjective? Barfly is not a word, Andy.
And if it were, it would be an adverb.
Barfly, as in the sewage oozed barfly.
Dream time.
Jim, come on, stay.
We're barely halfway through the puke-a-thon.
l feel like the sight of vomit is starting to bore me.
l just can't let that happen.
Night.
Hey, wake up.
We got movies to watch.
Snap to.
Kevin, would you feed Stogie, please? Jim? Posey? Somebody? Would somebody come feed the dog, please? Where is that stupid can opener? Why bother? You like that? Okay, more orange it is.
Hey, neighbor.
Drinky-poo? We could bring the baby.
Yeah, but l'm busy working.
Right, Carlos.
This isn't work.
No offense.
This is my work.
l'm a painter.
Okay.
l see your point.
But you have to see my point too: That this isn't work.
Fine, l'll find something else to do.
Try not to ''work'' too hard, working guy.
Why bother? -The following is a paid advertisement.
-Damn infomercials.
Why bother? In the next hour, I'm going to show you a product that will change forever the way you look at polishing metal.
Hey, there you are.
l woke up and everybody was gone.
You just woke up? lt's 7 p.
m.
Andy, l'm starting to worry about you.
l'm worried about what Gus will say when he sees how you're dressed.
l'll just have a plate of eggs, thanks.
No eggs.
Ain't you read the sign? Gus, no one here is wearing a hat.
They're all eating.
Back in the day, people wore coats and ties and hats in this place.
Now look at you.
You don't got underwear even.
Gus, come on.
lt's just a different philosophy.
l'm like a modern day Buddha, freeing myself of worldly attachments.
He's right.
Buddha never wore underpants.
Sorry, kid.
No underwear, no service.
Fine.
l'll fend for myself then.
You can't bring your own food here.
Get the hell out of my lunch! l don't care.
l don't need you.
l could go back to sleep.
Who needs to go outside? This is the life.
Top notch, Augustus.
-Say, can l get a plate of eggs? -Certainly, sir.
Read the sign.
The photographer from Unemployment Weekly is here for your cover shoot.
-Shall l send him in? -Absolutely.
Girls, shall we give him a show? Oh, yeah.
That's it.
Looking good, Andy.
Looking real good.
Yeah, looking good.
Looking real good.
Thanks, Gus.
Sorry about last night.
l'll be more careful about the underpants issue.
l feel bad for you.
You remind me of when l lived in a boxcar during the Depression.
There's old guys living in trenches in better shape than you.
Beautiful.
Here's an old boxing trick: Put that tooth in some milk.
lt'll keep the nerve alive till you get to the dentist.
Really? Thanks.
-Hey, that's my milk.
-l'll just take my tooth back out then.
No, no.
You can just keep it.
So where did you get a tooth? From my head.
Now l need to fix it.
l have no money, no insurance, and no friends who are dentists.
lf you want, you can use my dental insurance.
l haven't been in a while, so you should be able to fake being me.
You have Blue Cross Gold Premium Plus? Wow, l didn't know l had Plus.
l need this tooth put back in my head.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Kuback! Just fill out this form.
And we'll just need you to fill in your occupation as well.
You left your occupation blank, Mr.
Kuback.
You do know what your occupation is? Well, l wouldn't be any good at my job if l didn't know what l did, now would l? Sir, what is your occupation? Look, you-- Listen, l-- Crap! So, what did you do? l ran out of there.
-So, what is your occupation? -l do some stuff uptown.
What stuff exactly? You don't even know what your best friend does? You are so selfish, Andy.
Jim works at an advertising agency.
How on earth did you know that? Because l am not a self-absorbed slacker.
l am actually interested in the people around me.
l bet you don't know what classes l'm taking.
Quick, what color are my eyes? Blue? -Blue.
-Very impressive.
What's my middle name? lt's like Richard or Robert.
lt's something with an R.
-Steven! -Not even close.
Meet me at work for lunch tomorrow.
l'll teach you all about me.
Hi.
Welcome.
Would you like a cup of coffee? No, thanks.
l already have one.
-Who are you? -l'm Jim's assistant, Stacy.
Jim has an assistant? -Would you like a cup of coffee? -Yes.
So this is where Jim works? -Should l just sit and wait for him? -Oh, no, this is where l work.
Jim is through there.
Hey.
Man, Jim, this is swanky.
You must have had to bust your ass to earn these digs.
No, not really.
Then you must've had to kiss some serious corporate butt, huh? No, it's pretty fun.
l don't even come in if l don't want to.
Right.
So that's why you're home a lot.
So that's why l never thought to ask about this job.
Okay.
So, what do you actually do? l'm basically the young guy who knows computers.
Anyhow, they trust me because they're all old and don't know better.
l get it.
They're old, so really simple computer stuff impresses them.
Exactly.
lt's like, ''Whoa, high-res Photoshop batch compositing blows my mind! Let's have Jim handle it.
'' Right.
Jim.
What is the voice of young America talking about today? -Computer mockups.
-Dandy.
Wondering if l might get your take on this new campaign.
Will Generation Y respond? Do people really like brown cookies anymore? Razor sharp, Jim.
You keep it up and you can grow three beards for all l care.
Carry on, boys.
Want to check out the art department? lf anyone calls, just tell them.
l don't know.
Mr.
Kuback, l've revised the cookie ad as per your notes.
Purpler.
Purpler, of course.
You got it.
My friend Andy's a cartoonist.
What do you think? Maybe the milk should be glowing pink so it looks more like space juice to go with the space cookies.
Space juice it is! There's an opening in the art department.
You're really good.
You should apply.
Thanks, but no.
l'm not exactly the corporate type.
Laid-back is more my style.
Sure.
But let me show you something.
That's a beer ticket, man.
You give this to a guy at a liquor store, and he gives you a lot of beer.
Yeah, but l'm not into the whole rat-race thing.
All that politicking and selling out.
No offense, but our generation has rejected all that.
Okay.
-Fifteen, please.
-lt's about time.
Man, what a bunch of button-down worker bees.
Yeah.
Who needs that suit-and-tie crap? l write software in my underpants, and they still buy it for 600K a pop.
-So l closed escrow this weekend.
-Cool.
You can live there a couple years and when you're 26, leverage it for something bigger.
He's the hottest commercial director in town, and he's only 25.
Well, it's not everyone who can direct a talking Chihuahua.
And it's sad, actually.
He's 24 and still-- It's true.
You really have to get a foothold by your mid-20s.
-He really missed the boat on that one.
-Pathetic.
-He's only 25.
-He's 24 and still-- -Get a foothold by your mid-20s.
-Really missed the boat that one.
-Pathetic.
-Pathetic.
Well, it's nice to have some company.
Jim, l've changed my mind.
l am going to apply for that job.
Awesome.
From now on, l swear Andy French is on track for success! Can l borrow 90 cents for the subway? My generation played a really mean trick on me.
l thought we were all goofing off together.
But everybody else snuck out to get rich while l was sleeping.
Oh, you mean during the '90s? l'm not rich, Andy.
l won't be able to exercise my stock options until 2003.
-You have stock options? -Yeah.
And some stock.
l refuse to be the last one left behind on the sinking ship of slackerdom.
Where's my portfolio? Let's go get me a job! You can't go to a job interview looking like that.
Where's your tie? You won't look professional without a tie.
Well, once again, you are lucky l moved in.
How about this one? l got it made at the mall.
Perhaps l could just wear a sign that says ''l am a douche bag.
'' This one looks normal.
You must have bought it by mistake.
Perfect.
We hear it's a big day for you.
Kid, what an improvement.
You look great.
-Like David Niven's scrawny brother.
-High praise indeed.
-Thank you both.
l'm off.
-Don't forget to bring your resume.
Resume! Oh, crap! That just leaves references.
My last boss is in jail.
My boss at Dairy Queen hated me.
l guess it would be lame if l listed my parents? lf you like, Andy, you could list me as a reference.
Andy never worked for you, Wally.
Go ahead.
l'll say anything you want.
l will lie like the serpent to get you that job.
What? Ain't you got no scruples? -Lying is wrong-hearted! -But l am doing it to help Andy! He should tell the truth! That he's got no experience! He's got no references! But what he has got is guts.
Wally, it was great working for you.
Be sure to mention that you offered me stock options.
Just be yourself.
You're a great cartoonist.
You look like a winner.
Except the missing tooth part, l guess.
So how you like me now? lncredible.
Which one was missing again? Good morning, Mr.
Beardly.
l appreciate you taking the time to-- Portfolio.
Have a seat.
l think you'll find my cartooning style is well-suited to-- Published in the Weekly Freebie, huh? Kafkaesque.
Actually, that's a satire of people who use the word ''Kafkaesque'' incorrectly.
l know how to use the word.
Well, you do have artistic ability, but we're really looking for a vet.
An ad-game vet.
Do you have any experience in advertising at all? Well.
Oh, l invented space juice.
l see.
Perhaps l should check your references.
Hello? -Walter Langford? -Speaking.
Hello, this is Brian Beardly from Ennerman/Hatano Advertising.
Did you agree to provide a reference for Andy French? Maybe.
l'm not sure.
l-- -Well, could you answer questions about-- -No.
l mean, who's Andy French? Never heard of him.
Give me that.
What can l do for you? Hello, Andrew French is applying for a job, and-- Sure, sure! The kid's a champ! -A champ? -He's got moxie too, let me tell you.
If you got a single brain in your head, you'll hire this kid.
Thank you.
That certainly was a ringing endorsement.
We'll get back to you.
Don't forget your tooth.
Oh, l don't need it anymore.
You can throw it away.
l mean, it couldn't have gone better.
Yeah, l really think this job will be a great career move for me.
And l owe it all to you, Gus.
You dirty, lying tramp, you.
You and Wally both needed me so sometimes wrong-hearted and right-hearted ain't so black and white, huh? -A lesson learned.
-To Andy French, capitalist pig.
To Andy! Why is everybody in such a good mood? Andy had an interview at an ad agency.
Oh, that's why you're in a good mood? You didn't get that job.
-A man called.
-What? Oh, yes, he was quite specific.
He said you weren't even in the top 20.
l'm sorry.
l should've given you the message before you got so falsely happy.
So why is everyone else in such a good mood? lt's all right, Jim.
l'm fine.
This is Dave Talbot.
He's got 1 5 years experience, and he's fantastic.
l'm really looking forward to working with you.
Jim, my boy, you're looking positively blue.
Let me give you a raise.
No, it's just the new guy.
lt was nice working with you.
Beardly, get in here! Beardly, here will show you the other candidates.
Sorry you didn't like the guy we hired.
Must have been a crossed wire.
ls this all the resumes? Those are the only ones that were any good at all, frankly.
Any thoughts, Jim? lt's just Beardly.
But l thought l didn't get the job? Must have been a crossed wire.
Welcome to work.
l hope you know how.
And here's something l know you're gonna like.
l need this tooth put back in my head.
This milk has turned to cottage cheese.
Besides, that's just an old wives' tale.
So you can't put it back at all? No, but we could recast your tooth in ceramic and implant it using titanium microrods.
But that would cost $ 1 4,000.
Sorry, kid.
Go for it! BloodLogic [ENGLlSH]