Mission Hill (1999) s01e08 Episode Script

Andy Joins the PTA (or Great Sexpectations)

Man, l love having three HBOs.
At 8:00 we got Real Sex 4 1.
Then we switch to Taxicab Confessions 1 0.
Then over to Autopsy 7.
l'm glad l'm paying for satellite instead of health insurance.
Good evening, guys.
Andy, l don't want to bother you, so thanks for the gift.
-l'll put the receipt on your desk.
-Wait, wait, wait.
l gave you a gift? l'm getting straight A's.
Mom and Dad always bought me a gift for that.
You don't live with Mom and Dad anymore.
And since you've taken over for them l got myself a treat on your behalf: A great new computer game.
Sweetheart, here in the real world you don't get a present just for doing your job.
l paid the electric bill and nobody got me a gift.
Like l said, l paid the electric bill.
lf you want a gift, have some electricity.
lt's on me.
You're not being very supportive.
l hope you're not like this during parent-teacher conferences tonight.
Hi, l'm not sure we've met.
Andy French, couldn't care less about your education.
No, you have to go.
Mom and Dad said you're supposed to do everything they do.
Well, why don't you go hop into bed and l'll be in in a moment to sprinkle talcum powder on your ass? Mom and Dad would like to speak to you.
Hey, you two.
How's life in Wyoming? What's this about you emotionally abusing Kevin? Nothing, Mom.
But I can't suddenly change my life around just because Kevin's here.
l had plans for tonight.
Mom, he's drinking on the couch with Jim.
Hey, Mrs.
l'm Andy French.
You know where l'm supposed to be or? Andy French? Oh, you must be Kevin's father.
No, l'm not his father.
l'm-- Guess who l am.
Some teacher or something? -l'm Toby's mom.
-Toby? You know Toby.
Kevin's best friend? And with George, the three of them are the limit.
l call them the jolly boys.
Oh, llene, Howard! These are George's parents.
Howard runs the market on Avenue 3.
Hey, l know you.
Malt liquor, box of Bugles.
l know you too.
''No credit.
Pay now.
'' Andy, l hope you'll consider joining us in the PTA.
Oh, it could be a real hoot.
l don't join clubs unless they rent pornographic video tapes.
Call me if you get some.
Hey, when is Andy coming back? Probably not for a few hours.
Then how about you? You wanna go up on the roof and get toasted? l'm not much of a toaster, but thanks anyway.
Would you like to take a look at my new game? Yes.
My answer would have to be yes.
You start the game as a Viking warrior.
The more people you kill, the stronger you become until finally you can afford your own Viking army and a fortress.
And you play on the lnternet with other gamers.
Toby, George and l are going to team up and go on a killing rampage.
You kids are lucky, man.
All l had was the Boy Scouts.
Hey, ready to go rampaging? Okay, just a minute.
Norseman, headed your way.
Kill him! l don't know how? What do l do? What do l do? Help me! Oh, l'll do it.
Sorry, l panicked.
That Norseman looked just like my grandpa.
lf we're going to be an effective horde, you have to get your act together.
l can't wait for George to get up and running.
Mom has been using you, hasn't she? Garden looks great, Posey.
Expecting a big harvest? Yeah, yeah.
There were even more vegetables yesterday but the police were chasing a suspect across the roof, and some got trampled.
But even so, there are more than we could ever possibly eat.
Hey, l have an idea.
Why don't you sell them, start your own business? People pay top dollar for organic vegetables.
Oh, well, that's a great idea.
l was going to give them to charity, but where is the fun in that? l wanna make some money.
Kevin's doing great.
Excellent student, blah, blah, blah.
-You wanna hear this stuff? -Not really, no.
We still got 1 4 minutes.
lf only more parents were like you.
Please have a seat.
l'm Ms.
Andy French.
l'm Kevin's-- Brother, brother.
Kevin's brother.
We both came from the same mother.
Well, l must say, it's a joy to teach Kevin.
For a transfer student, he caught up quickly.
He has a college-level grasp of literature and an extremely advanced vocabulary.
French? Do you have any questions? Yes.
Don't l know you from somewhere? Borchmore College, class of '96? ln 1 996, l was in the Marines serving with the U.
forces in Bosnia-Herzegovina.
Lucky Serbs.
-l think this conference is over.
What are you doing this weekend? Maybe we could go to movie? l don't think so.
Have you been drinking? Many times.
But l'm always up for more.
-Want to go knock back a few? -Thank you for coming.
No, no, wait.
We need to talk.
Frankly, Mr.
French, l'm amazed Kevin is doing as well as he is given the total lack of parental involvement and responsibility.
Hey, l'm totally involved and responsible.
There is nothing l wouldn't do for Kevin.
l knew it! So can we count on you to join the PTA? Sure.
Sign me up right now.
We could use one more on the clean-up committee.
Have fun in there.
Good night.
There's lipstick on that chicken.
You're right.
-What's all that? -Fliers for a PTA meeting l'm hosting.
l joined up to impress Kevin's hot English teacher.
Nice job.
lf l was a girl, l'd sleep with you.
Excuse me, Gus.
Who would l speak to about produce sales? Produce? Those things look like rocks.
Yeah, no, they're not rocks.
These are organic vegetables.
Quite delicious and healthy.
And they make great salads.
This joint, we don't have much call for salad.
Some joker wants one, l just dud up a cabbage with some of this hot-dog relish.
Hey, anybody here want a salad? Sorry, sweetheart.
Come back with a basket full of hog's brains, we'll talk.
Toby, you were supposed to be guarding our fortress! What happened? Where are you? No! ''A Norse slave trader approaches.
What is your command?'' Sell Toby.
Come on! Andy? Some people are here to see you.
People? Get your sunny side up, sleepy head.
Put on your happy cap and-- Now, as for the fall dance does anyone have suggestions for the entertainment? Well, l, for one, love square dancing.
We could decorate the gym with bales of hay and have a hoedown! We can't afford ho's.
Why not something cheap like one-man band from street corner? He play for nickels.
l've got a connection at the Yiddish Violin Academy.
Those kids will play just for the exposure.
Holy crap.
Something you'd like to add, Mr.
French? The stuff you're talking about is totally lame.
Our kids will hate it.
Well, what do you suggest? Well, look, for practically nothing you can get a good DJ.
One who plays music the kids actually like, know what l mean? l haven't listened to popular music since that sniper took out our radio in Sarajevo.
Well, trust me, if there's one thing l know it's young people and how to nurture them.
Let's nurture our children, folks.
-Nurture, yes! -Wonderful.
l tell you, George, ''Virtual Valkyrie'' has changed my life.
-You don't know what you're missing.
-l do.
l still can't get it installed.
You dirty backstabber! You sold me into slavery! Hey, Toby, you snooze you lose.
But you too shall snooze, old friend.
And when you leave your computer for even a second l will wreak my horrible revenge.
By Odin, l am coming for you.
Little help? Hey, hey, stop.
Give it back.
Hey, look.
Dancing Queen wants his disco ball.
Come on, let's see you shake your fruity booty.
Shouldn't you two be in class? -Could you use a hand here? -Sure.
So l've heard Kevin talking about his girlfriend in Canada.
Think he might bring her down for the dance? No, she's made up.
l mean, they broke up.
lt was rough, but l helped him through it.
Kevin's lucky to have you.
Well, see you two Saturday.
Howard, would you like to buy some of my homegrown vegetables? They're only 30 cents each.
l already got plenty vegetable at salad bar.
See? Bacon bits, croutons, bacon bits.
You name it.
Perhaps if you tasted one of mine.
lt burns! Take your health food out of here! Sasha, look! They've got lndonesian mandrake root and carobe bulbs.
Oh, yeah.
Just birthed from Mother Earth this morning, Sasha.
Oh, my God! ls that real dirt? How much are they? Those not for sale yet.
She wholesaler.
Okay, l buy all your vegetables.
Thirty cent, right? Oh, yeah, okay.
No, not anymore.
Now they're two dollars each.
You crazy! Get out of store! Expensive dirty vegetables.
Hey, Kev, we really spruced up that old gym.
You will not recognize it at the dance.
l'm not going to any dance.
What? You have to go.
What kind of a parent am l gonna look like showing up at the dance without my own kid? l can't leave my computer.
lf l do, Toby will kill me.
And God only knows what George is planning.
Yes! Well, l, for one, cannot believe you'd rather bury your nose in that darn computer than go to a dance and meet girls.
l hate dances, okay? Girls don't like me, no one will dance with me, so l'm not going.
The end.
l just think it's important for a young man's development-- Look, l've got more important things to do than obsess over women.
Hey, my concubines are here.
What if l find you a date? lf l find you a date, will you go? Sure, whatever.
Beat it.
Beat it? Come on.
l'm busting my ass for you, and l deserve some respect.
Would you talk to Mom and Dad like that? No, but you would.
Good point.
Hey, catch it! Come on.
Kevin's got a lot to offer, Andy.
l bet he could find a date on his own.
l can't take that chance.
He has to have a decent date if l'm going to impress Ms.
Now focus.
Hey, ladies, anybody want a date for the dance? That's odd.
l didn't even mention Kevin.
What's going on, man? Hi, how would you like a date to the dance Saturday night? l'd love it! Only my dad says l'm not allowed to date until l'm 1 4.
Wait, here he comes.
Let me ask him.
l'm trying to find my brother a date for the dance, and l'm willing to pay for it.
-Any takers? -What l gotta do? Nothing like that.
One dance, a cup of punch, at most.
-Hundred bucks.
-A hundred? -Fifty.
-Fifty? What's he look like? Two hundred.
And no slow dances.
-l love it.
Your carrots rock.
-Tell your friends about me.
-Okay, that's it.
You people get away from my store or l call police.
Hey, pal, let her sell her vegetables.
lt's a free country.
At least, it used to be.
Just another case of The Man trying to keep us down.
l not The Man.
He keep me down too! Save it for the country club, Thurston.
Okay, you win.
l buy all your crazy, expensive vegetables.
Oh, great.
Okay, l'm glad we could work this out, Howard.
l will also need a 40-percent franchising bonus a small shelving fee and an exclusive point-of-purchase display to maintain my brand integrity.
Okay, but next time you need tampon late at night, forget it.
You've really outdone yourself, honey.
Those are beautiful cupcakes.
l frosted each one in a different style.
Cubist, Dada, Russian constructivist.
Thanks for helping.
Really appreciate it.
Kevin, let's go! Come on.
Chop, chop.
Let's get the show on the-- -What is this? -lt's called fortifying your defenses.
Oh, no, no.
We're off to the big dance.
Look at you.
Your hair's a mess.
Let go of me.
Stop! l can't see my battle lines.
You wanna look good for your date, don't you? This will match your slacks.
Let's be rational.
Dances are voluntary activities that-- Someday, you'll thank me for this.
Now, buck up, smile, look like you're having fun.
Especially if Ms.
Peck walks by.
l'll just chit-chat over punch while Toby's army beheads me and mounts my face on a pike! That's the spirit.
Andy, everything looks wonderful.
Hey, when you travel Air French, you travel first class.
Maybe later l can visit the cockpit.
We didn't flirt much in the Marines.
You're doing fine.
So how about a dance? l've got some work to do, but l'd love to later.
l'm on it.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? Can you believe that? l'll take care of it.
None of that in here.
You take it outside.
Toby's away from his computer.
That means nobody's defending his fortress.
Hey, hey, hey.
How's my little jolly boy? -Having a good time? -No.
Let me go! Come on, l'm in a big hurry.
Toby, my baby! Listen to me.
We are gonna find Ms.
Peck and you're gonna tell her l'm a loving brother or l'll kick your ass! l didn't mean that! Please don't call Mom.
Young man.
My kitty cat is stuck up in that tree.
lt was already dead.
Ready for that dance yet, Ms.
Peck? Sure.
And, Andy, it's Colleen.
Come on.
Keep peddling.
You can do it.
l'm doing it, Daddy! l'm biking all by myself-- Your fort is going down.
My navy is gonna blast you.
Yeah? Your navy and what army? You know, Andy, when l first met you, l didn't think much of you.
Oh, thank you.
l thought you were an immature, selfish slacker.
But you really proved me wrong.
You're caring and responsible and a terrific parent.
So maybe l'm your type after all? Maybe you are.
There he is! -Yo, where's my money? -What money? He said he'd give me 200 bucks to go out on a date.
Two hundred? lt was 50! Don't you disrespect my bitch.
Andy, you paid this girl? l just wanted my brother to have a good time.
Not that good a time.
Rock and roll! This dance rules! That's him! That's the pervert who tried to pick me up yesterday.
Look, l was just trying to be a good, caring parent.
The kind you like.
This whole time, l've only been looking out for Kevin.
l'm a dead man.
lsn't that cute.
Little guy's all tuckered out.
Andy, it hurts to walk.
What do you want me to do about it? l can't believe l'm being nice to you and no one is around to appreciate it.
l appreciate it.
What's that smell? l fell in the sewer.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH]