Mission Hill (1999) s01e13 Episode Script
Planet 9 from Mission Hill (or I Married a Gay Man from Outer Space)
Perversion, right here in our own neighborhood.
Smut.
The shame of it.
Shame.
Filth, nothing but lewd, perverted filth.
One adult, please, for the X-rated movie.
I don't think I can walk anymore, Joe.
I keep falling down.
When is the filth going to start? Yes, l'd like a bucket of cop-porn.
No, never mind.
Just some good and panties.
Wait! Wally! Oh, God, my next door neighbor.
Please don't tell.
l came in here by mistake.
l didn't know.
My life is over, all because l wanted to see-- Midnight Cowboy? The Academy Award winner for best picture of 1 970? Yes.
l mean, no.
l mean-- How could a porno movie win an Oscar? Porno movie? Oh, back in the '60s they gave the X to serious films meant for adults.
Most of them wouldn't rate a PG-1 3 these days.
Have mercy, how times do change.
You see, we're a revival theater, and l'm the projectionist here.
We show the classics of world cinema.
Care to come take a look? That cowboy looks familiar.
Wasn't he in Anaconda? That's Jon Voight back before he started to look like a raspberry.
And you see that fellow? That's Dustin Hoffman.
Dustin Hoffman.
Oh, right, the old guy from Sphere.
Sphere was excellent, l thought.
Michael Crichton is a genius.
Did you know he wrote Twister? Just watch the picture, son.
That was terrific.
And when Ratso died at the end it was so sad but a different kind of sad than when Bruce Willis died -at the end of Armageddon.
-Because this film was a personal vision not a marketing machine, like the pictures these days.
Ratso Rizzo's not the kind of character that looks good on Taco Bell cups.
-Well, there's Gus.
-Hey, Kevin.
Come on, slowpoke.
l'm starving for dinner already.
Oh, Gus, you own a restaurant you are standing in front of a restaurant, yet-- l'll see you later, Kevin.
That's right, l've been slaving over a hot stove all day.
-Got a problem with that? -Bring it in a bag.
Bring lunch in a bag.
Lunch in a bag.
People will laugh at me.
So Wally's an expert in le cinèma, eh? -Go figure.
-You didn't know? l can't believe you've been Gus and Wally's neighbors all this time, and you barely know about them.
Not true.
l know they wake up at 8:00 every morning.
Wally brews coffee while Gus reads the funnies to him.
lsn't it sweet? And then they shower together and sing college fight songs.
Then they either argue or have gay sex, and then it's off to work.
Oh, brother.
SAE, SAE, we're the best fraternity Why, most irregular.
Wally says this is the greatest science-fiction movie ever made.
What is that stupid black thing? When are they gonna find some aliens? Whose baby is that? What's going on? l.
l understand.
Wally, you've opened my eyes to a whole new world.
And l bet ''Werner Herzog expert'' looks great on a college application too.
Oh, Kevin, you're like the son God didn't want me to have.
So, what's coming this month? John Cassavetes, some Tarkovsky, The Man From Pluto.
''The lost classic from Walter L.
Ford.
'' Hey, this spaceman looks like Gus.
Kevin, a boy your age shouldn't spend all his time at the movies.
Why don't you go outside and play some hopscotch or something.
You can come back here again in two weeks or so.
There's a good lad.
So anything good this month? By ''good,'' l mean something with the word ''vixen'' or ''bloodsucking'' in the title.
Hey, Gus, this'll crack you up.
This space guy is the spitting image of you.
Holy hog's brains, that is me.
That's from when l was in this picture once that Wally made.
The classic director Walter L.
Ford is Wally? Our Wally? Well, come on, what's the movie like? l never seen it.
You see, there was only one copy.
But Wally said it fell off the side of a boat and got eaten by a shark.
But, Gus, it's playing next week at the Hyperion.
We can all go see it.
Hey, Wally, they found our movie.
-Ain't that great? -Why, yes, Gus, that's wonderful.
l don't know! l guess they caught the shark or something! l wonder how many other great films were eaten by sharks.
Wally, l can't believe you never told me you directed a movie.
l hope we can see it together when it plays next week-- No, l won't.
l can't.
l'm having an operation that day, and l won't be able to talk about film for several months afterward.
And the movie is by Walter L.
Ford.
Yeah.
Look in our auteur section.
l can't believe how hard it is to get information about Wally's film especially from Wally.
Kevin, there's only one guy in town who can help you with this.
Brace yourself.
l'm taking you to see the Beardo.
You guys wanna come? Hi, Terry.
Hey, Ted.
What's going on? You know, Andy, you still owe us a couple of overdue movies.
Yeah, Women's Prison Slumber Party Two and Escape From Chinese Women's Prison.
-What? -You know, the best of the bunch is Hell Island for Stewardesses.
lt's got June Lockhart as the warden.
Oh, please! June Lockhart did not play the warden, you moron! She played a government agent who came to the island to investigate the warden's suspicious activities.
l swear, l employ idiots in my store.
Hi, Beardo.
This is just my little brother.
He's a movie nut like you.
Yes, but l'm only interested in the classics.
l came to ask about a classic non-perverted film The Man From Pluto, by Walter L.
Ford.
The Man From Pluto.
Of course! The original print has been lost for years.
A classic if there ever was one.
Come on.
Hurry up.
l don't wanna miss a second of Wally's premiere.
You've been working really hard on this.
You and Wally must be good friends.
Well, we have been going to a lot of X-rated movies together.
We found the man from Pluto and the man from Mexico but we can't find Wally anywhere.
Found him.
lt's awfully crowded for such an obscure film.
How did they all know? Pluto, lonely Pluto, land of ice.
A snowy world beyond the stars.
Pluto's not beyond the stars.
But what if this frozen world got blown to bits? Blown up by a nuclear bomb? Would we of Earth then dare to face the anger of the man from Pluto? It sure is scary fishing at night like this, eh, Bill? You said it, Raymond.
I am here.
Here at last.
-No! -No! Why are youse running away? Because I am here to destroy youse all? ls this movie insane, or is it me? Maybe somebody put drugs in our popcorn.
All them nuclear bombs have been fired, general -just as you asked.
-Did you shoot them at Pluto to test our new devices? You bet I did.
Sure seemed like an awful waste, though.
Blowing up Pluto, a planet that never hurt nobody.
Well, I sure hope no one lived there.
You can say that again.
The man from Pluto is heading south.
Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Oh, no.
What have l done? This here is a map of space.
And this here planet is Pluto.
Do you think that's where the man from Pluto is from? Could be.
And now I have no choice but to kill him.
Him, who never meant us guys no harm at all.
Your weapons is like toys.
Lookit, his light is lighting up! He must be mad or something! I will blast youse all! Oh, yeah.
But first, I will fly to Washington to talk to your leaders.
How come they're laughing at me, Wally? -They're supposed to be scared.
-That's it, love, we're going! Wally, l'm sorry, l-- You just didn't get it, did you? Did you ever wonder why l didn't wanna talk about the movie? No.
You had to humiliate me in front of a crowd.
Come on, Gus.
l ain't going in just yet.
l need some time alone to think.
Look, just so you know, when l come home l'm gonna be very drunk and very dirty.
Excuse me, fellas.
Wally, please.
l was trying to help you.
Just don't talk to me, Kevin.
Don't ever talk to me again.
Oh, how could l have been so stupid? You don't wanna wake up Gus.
He came in here last night by mistake.
Wally will never speak to me again.
That's not true.
He's a big boy.
He'll get over it.
Man, l can't believe how amazingly bad it was.
Yes, l felt amazement at the badness.
Okay, who's been testing their nuclear weapons on Pluto again? At least now it is done with.
Today l can return to obscurity with some nice, quiet Peckinpah films.
Oh, dear.
Jim, please.
Where did you put my fish? Stop calling me Jim.
Can't you see l'm an angry spaceman? Hi.
We were.
Wally, l respect you too much to lie to you.
Thank you, Andy.
lt really is quite a God-awful picture, isn't it? No, no, it's just-- Yes, it's the worst movie of all time.
So, what happened? l mean, why did you make a thing like that? l've been asking myself that all day.
See, back in 1 958 my dreams were in Hollywood, California.
I was a first unit cinematographer working under Otto Preminger.
It was a fine job, but I wanted to direct.
Kurt, that was swell.
l think we got it.
That's a cut.
We're clear.
Oh, kid, there you are.
l just had lunch with Jack Warner.
He wants you to make a picture with two new stars Charlton Hestopolis and Paul McNewman.
Hestopolis? McNewman? Those aren't exactly movie-star names.
Don't like the names? Change them.
Point is, Jack will shoot anything you want.
You got a script? My script was called They Come From the Stars.
And it was my dream project, an allegory about Cold War politics.
People of Earth, l come in peace as an ambassador from the Galactic Federation.
He's lying! l say blast him! And cut.
Reset for the big showdown.
Everything was going swell but there was one thing I hadn't counted on.
Mr.
Langford, where do you want me with this? Oh, where wouldn't l want you with that? He wasn't as handsome as Charlton Hestopolis, granted but to me, he was more glorious than all the Paul McNewmans of the world combined.
Everything would have been fine if I could have kept my work life separate from Gus.
But I was a young fool in love.
We have a casting change.
The visitor from space will be played by the star of tomorrow.
Give a hand to Mr.
Gus Duncz.
-Hiya.
-Oh, come on.
Whatever that guy did to get that part l can do be-- See you.
Kid, what the hell are you doing? Why, the studio will have your head on a pike.
That was the first time in history that an agent told the truth.
People of Earth, l greet youse from the Galactic Federation.
Walter, l admire your picture.
l do.
But really, l simply can't tolerate bad acting! lt's either me or that damn dirty ape! l like the sound of that.
With my other star gone, the financing collapsed.
I had to shoot in cheaper digs across town.
And I made more casting changes.
Well, we'll make this work somehow.
Action.
For eons, we have observed you.
-Wally, l can't say this stuff.
-Yeah, it's too hard.
Well, we'll just have to change the story and rewrite the script.
l will blast you with this here ray.
Wally, am l supposed to be mad or not? He always looks mad.
You can never tell the difference.
We'll put a light bulb on his chest.
Then when it lights up, we'll know he's mad.
Gus! He just shot you! Hey, your bulb is on! You're angry! Oh, yeah? Lot of things, very dangerous things.
-So, what do you think? -Kid, l'll give it to you straight.
You're through.
We got some money by signing away the drive-in rights.
And we left town that same night.
We used the money to buy Gus a diner, and that's been our life ever since.
But, you know, l'm not sorry about a thing.
l love Gus and he loves me, and l would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Well, l better get to work.
After all, laughable, pathetic movies don't just project themselves.
Oh, snap! Check it, homes! I hope you know what you're doing! -Oh, shi-- -Oh, shi-- Hey, sourpuss, what the hell is this crap? lt's an action comedy.
Oh, look, they're running away from a fireball.
-What happened to Hitchcock and Tati? -After what l did to Wally l don't deserve to see good movies.
Kevin, a very good friend of yours is being mocked right now.
So you can sit here moping, or you can go help him out.
Either way, stop hogging the TV.
Oh, look at that.
The squad cars are going backwards.
Lordy, what was l thinking? Maybe you were thinking about how far you'd go for Gus.
You're the one who taught me that all great movies have a personal vision.
Wally, this whole movie is your valentine to Gus.
-lt couldn't be any more personal.
-Oh, that still doesn't make it great.
l'm not so sure.
How many of youse must get blasted before youse will learn? Nuclear weapons is wrong-hearted.
God, l haven't laughed this hard in years.
When l get home l'm flushing all my Prozac down the sink.
The guy who found this movie deserves a medal.
Found it? How about the guy who made it? Oh, brother.
That was quite the surprising evening.
Thank you, Kevin.
l owe you one.
So you're not mad at me anymore? Are we still friends? Sure.
We're as close as an elderly gay man and a straight teenage boy can be.
Well, good night.
l'm home, love.
What's this? ''Come to the bedroom and see what l found.
Love, Gus.
'' What the--? Will you look at that? Oh, Gus.
[ENGLlSH.]
Smut.
The shame of it.
Shame.
Filth, nothing but lewd, perverted filth.
One adult, please, for the X-rated movie.
I don't think I can walk anymore, Joe.
I keep falling down.
When is the filth going to start? Yes, l'd like a bucket of cop-porn.
No, never mind.
Just some good and panties.
Wait! Wally! Oh, God, my next door neighbor.
Please don't tell.
l came in here by mistake.
l didn't know.
My life is over, all because l wanted to see-- Midnight Cowboy? The Academy Award winner for best picture of 1 970? Yes.
l mean, no.
l mean-- How could a porno movie win an Oscar? Porno movie? Oh, back in the '60s they gave the X to serious films meant for adults.
Most of them wouldn't rate a PG-1 3 these days.
Have mercy, how times do change.
You see, we're a revival theater, and l'm the projectionist here.
We show the classics of world cinema.
Care to come take a look? That cowboy looks familiar.
Wasn't he in Anaconda? That's Jon Voight back before he started to look like a raspberry.
And you see that fellow? That's Dustin Hoffman.
Dustin Hoffman.
Oh, right, the old guy from Sphere.
Sphere was excellent, l thought.
Michael Crichton is a genius.
Did you know he wrote Twister? Just watch the picture, son.
That was terrific.
And when Ratso died at the end it was so sad but a different kind of sad than when Bruce Willis died -at the end of Armageddon.
-Because this film was a personal vision not a marketing machine, like the pictures these days.
Ratso Rizzo's not the kind of character that looks good on Taco Bell cups.
-Well, there's Gus.
-Hey, Kevin.
Come on, slowpoke.
l'm starving for dinner already.
Oh, Gus, you own a restaurant you are standing in front of a restaurant, yet-- l'll see you later, Kevin.
That's right, l've been slaving over a hot stove all day.
-Got a problem with that? -Bring it in a bag.
Bring lunch in a bag.
Lunch in a bag.
People will laugh at me.
So Wally's an expert in le cinèma, eh? -Go figure.
-You didn't know? l can't believe you've been Gus and Wally's neighbors all this time, and you barely know about them.
Not true.
l know they wake up at 8:00 every morning.
Wally brews coffee while Gus reads the funnies to him.
lsn't it sweet? And then they shower together and sing college fight songs.
Then they either argue or have gay sex, and then it's off to work.
Oh, brother.
SAE, SAE, we're the best fraternity Why, most irregular.
Wally says this is the greatest science-fiction movie ever made.
What is that stupid black thing? When are they gonna find some aliens? Whose baby is that? What's going on? l.
l understand.
Wally, you've opened my eyes to a whole new world.
And l bet ''Werner Herzog expert'' looks great on a college application too.
Oh, Kevin, you're like the son God didn't want me to have.
So, what's coming this month? John Cassavetes, some Tarkovsky, The Man From Pluto.
''The lost classic from Walter L.
Ford.
'' Hey, this spaceman looks like Gus.
Kevin, a boy your age shouldn't spend all his time at the movies.
Why don't you go outside and play some hopscotch or something.
You can come back here again in two weeks or so.
There's a good lad.
So anything good this month? By ''good,'' l mean something with the word ''vixen'' or ''bloodsucking'' in the title.
Hey, Gus, this'll crack you up.
This space guy is the spitting image of you.
Holy hog's brains, that is me.
That's from when l was in this picture once that Wally made.
The classic director Walter L.
Ford is Wally? Our Wally? Well, come on, what's the movie like? l never seen it.
You see, there was only one copy.
But Wally said it fell off the side of a boat and got eaten by a shark.
But, Gus, it's playing next week at the Hyperion.
We can all go see it.
Hey, Wally, they found our movie.
-Ain't that great? -Why, yes, Gus, that's wonderful.
l don't know! l guess they caught the shark or something! l wonder how many other great films were eaten by sharks.
Wally, l can't believe you never told me you directed a movie.
l hope we can see it together when it plays next week-- No, l won't.
l can't.
l'm having an operation that day, and l won't be able to talk about film for several months afterward.
And the movie is by Walter L.
Ford.
Yeah.
Look in our auteur section.
l can't believe how hard it is to get information about Wally's film especially from Wally.
Kevin, there's only one guy in town who can help you with this.
Brace yourself.
l'm taking you to see the Beardo.
You guys wanna come? Hi, Terry.
Hey, Ted.
What's going on? You know, Andy, you still owe us a couple of overdue movies.
Yeah, Women's Prison Slumber Party Two and Escape From Chinese Women's Prison.
-What? -You know, the best of the bunch is Hell Island for Stewardesses.
lt's got June Lockhart as the warden.
Oh, please! June Lockhart did not play the warden, you moron! She played a government agent who came to the island to investigate the warden's suspicious activities.
l swear, l employ idiots in my store.
Hi, Beardo.
This is just my little brother.
He's a movie nut like you.
Yes, but l'm only interested in the classics.
l came to ask about a classic non-perverted film The Man From Pluto, by Walter L.
Ford.
The Man From Pluto.
Of course! The original print has been lost for years.
A classic if there ever was one.
Come on.
Hurry up.
l don't wanna miss a second of Wally's premiere.
You've been working really hard on this.
You and Wally must be good friends.
Well, we have been going to a lot of X-rated movies together.
We found the man from Pluto and the man from Mexico but we can't find Wally anywhere.
Found him.
lt's awfully crowded for such an obscure film.
How did they all know? Pluto, lonely Pluto, land of ice.
A snowy world beyond the stars.
Pluto's not beyond the stars.
But what if this frozen world got blown to bits? Blown up by a nuclear bomb? Would we of Earth then dare to face the anger of the man from Pluto? It sure is scary fishing at night like this, eh, Bill? You said it, Raymond.
I am here.
Here at last.
-No! -No! Why are youse running away? Because I am here to destroy youse all? ls this movie insane, or is it me? Maybe somebody put drugs in our popcorn.
All them nuclear bombs have been fired, general -just as you asked.
-Did you shoot them at Pluto to test our new devices? You bet I did.
Sure seemed like an awful waste, though.
Blowing up Pluto, a planet that never hurt nobody.
Well, I sure hope no one lived there.
You can say that again.
The man from Pluto is heading south.
Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Oh, no.
What have l done? This here is a map of space.
And this here planet is Pluto.
Do you think that's where the man from Pluto is from? Could be.
And now I have no choice but to kill him.
Him, who never meant us guys no harm at all.
Your weapons is like toys.
Lookit, his light is lighting up! He must be mad or something! I will blast youse all! Oh, yeah.
But first, I will fly to Washington to talk to your leaders.
How come they're laughing at me, Wally? -They're supposed to be scared.
-That's it, love, we're going! Wally, l'm sorry, l-- You just didn't get it, did you? Did you ever wonder why l didn't wanna talk about the movie? No.
You had to humiliate me in front of a crowd.
Come on, Gus.
l ain't going in just yet.
l need some time alone to think.
Look, just so you know, when l come home l'm gonna be very drunk and very dirty.
Excuse me, fellas.
Wally, please.
l was trying to help you.
Just don't talk to me, Kevin.
Don't ever talk to me again.
Oh, how could l have been so stupid? You don't wanna wake up Gus.
He came in here last night by mistake.
Wally will never speak to me again.
That's not true.
He's a big boy.
He'll get over it.
Man, l can't believe how amazingly bad it was.
Yes, l felt amazement at the badness.
Okay, who's been testing their nuclear weapons on Pluto again? At least now it is done with.
Today l can return to obscurity with some nice, quiet Peckinpah films.
Oh, dear.
Jim, please.
Where did you put my fish? Stop calling me Jim.
Can't you see l'm an angry spaceman? Hi.
We were.
Wally, l respect you too much to lie to you.
Thank you, Andy.
lt really is quite a God-awful picture, isn't it? No, no, it's just-- Yes, it's the worst movie of all time.
So, what happened? l mean, why did you make a thing like that? l've been asking myself that all day.
See, back in 1 958 my dreams were in Hollywood, California.
I was a first unit cinematographer working under Otto Preminger.
It was a fine job, but I wanted to direct.
Kurt, that was swell.
l think we got it.
That's a cut.
We're clear.
Oh, kid, there you are.
l just had lunch with Jack Warner.
He wants you to make a picture with two new stars Charlton Hestopolis and Paul McNewman.
Hestopolis? McNewman? Those aren't exactly movie-star names.
Don't like the names? Change them.
Point is, Jack will shoot anything you want.
You got a script? My script was called They Come From the Stars.
And it was my dream project, an allegory about Cold War politics.
People of Earth, l come in peace as an ambassador from the Galactic Federation.
He's lying! l say blast him! And cut.
Reset for the big showdown.
Everything was going swell but there was one thing I hadn't counted on.
Mr.
Langford, where do you want me with this? Oh, where wouldn't l want you with that? He wasn't as handsome as Charlton Hestopolis, granted but to me, he was more glorious than all the Paul McNewmans of the world combined.
Everything would have been fine if I could have kept my work life separate from Gus.
But I was a young fool in love.
We have a casting change.
The visitor from space will be played by the star of tomorrow.
Give a hand to Mr.
Gus Duncz.
-Hiya.
-Oh, come on.
Whatever that guy did to get that part l can do be-- See you.
Kid, what the hell are you doing? Why, the studio will have your head on a pike.
That was the first time in history that an agent told the truth.
People of Earth, l greet youse from the Galactic Federation.
Walter, l admire your picture.
l do.
But really, l simply can't tolerate bad acting! lt's either me or that damn dirty ape! l like the sound of that.
With my other star gone, the financing collapsed.
I had to shoot in cheaper digs across town.
And I made more casting changes.
Well, we'll make this work somehow.
Action.
For eons, we have observed you.
-Wally, l can't say this stuff.
-Yeah, it's too hard.
Well, we'll just have to change the story and rewrite the script.
l will blast you with this here ray.
Wally, am l supposed to be mad or not? He always looks mad.
You can never tell the difference.
We'll put a light bulb on his chest.
Then when it lights up, we'll know he's mad.
Gus! He just shot you! Hey, your bulb is on! You're angry! Oh, yeah? Lot of things, very dangerous things.
-So, what do you think? -Kid, l'll give it to you straight.
You're through.
We got some money by signing away the drive-in rights.
And we left town that same night.
We used the money to buy Gus a diner, and that's been our life ever since.
But, you know, l'm not sorry about a thing.
l love Gus and he loves me, and l would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Well, l better get to work.
After all, laughable, pathetic movies don't just project themselves.
Oh, snap! Check it, homes! I hope you know what you're doing! -Oh, shi-- -Oh, shi-- Hey, sourpuss, what the hell is this crap? lt's an action comedy.
Oh, look, they're running away from a fireball.
-What happened to Hitchcock and Tati? -After what l did to Wally l don't deserve to see good movies.
Kevin, a very good friend of yours is being mocked right now.
So you can sit here moping, or you can go help him out.
Either way, stop hogging the TV.
Oh, look at that.
The squad cars are going backwards.
Lordy, what was l thinking? Maybe you were thinking about how far you'd go for Gus.
You're the one who taught me that all great movies have a personal vision.
Wally, this whole movie is your valentine to Gus.
-lt couldn't be any more personal.
-Oh, that still doesn't make it great.
l'm not so sure.
How many of youse must get blasted before youse will learn? Nuclear weapons is wrong-hearted.
God, l haven't laughed this hard in years.
When l get home l'm flushing all my Prozac down the sink.
The guy who found this movie deserves a medal.
Found it? How about the guy who made it? Oh, brother.
That was quite the surprising evening.
Thank you, Kevin.
l owe you one.
So you're not mad at me anymore? Are we still friends? Sure.
We're as close as an elderly gay man and a straight teenage boy can be.
Well, good night.
l'm home, love.
What's this? ''Come to the bedroom and see what l found.
Love, Gus.
'' What the--? Will you look at that? Oh, Gus.
[ENGLlSH.]