Modern Family s06e02 Episode Script

Do Not Push

Okay.
We're almost ready here.
Okay.
Now, easy on the filters, Cam.
It's a family picture.
We don't need sepia tone.
You know what other tone we don't need? Play nice.
Okay.
We are taking a new photo for above our mantel.
Lily's not in the one up there now, and we started to get the slight impression that it was bothering her.
Lily, we're ready for dinner, sw-- Oh.
Big smiles! - Great.
- Great.
Let's take a look.
Okay.
Not bad.
Not bad.
- Let's shake out our faces.
- Really? Who took the online course? Shake 'em out.
Yep.
That's perfect.
- Chee-e-e-se! - Chee-e-e-se! Okay.
Great! Okay, um, Mitchell, - can I see you over here, please? - Yeah.
Hang tight, sweetie.
Look.
Why is she doing that with her face? I don't know.
I've never seen such a weird, forced smile.
How do I look? - Beautiful.
- Perfect.
What an amazing campus! I mean, look at these cool buildings.
And did you guys see the turtles? And check this out -- a reflecting pond.
Great.
Maybe you can see how crazy you're being right now.
God, I wish I'd brought a frisbee.
What's so special? It looks exactly like the college I went to.
And we've been here exactly as long as you were there.
Luke, be nice.
Well, Alex is leaving.
Somebody's got to keep the trains running.
Back me up here, guys.
This place screams "Alex," right? It looks like every other college in America.
What am I missing? Good grades, S.
A.
T.
scores, basic verbal skills.
That's how you do it.
Caltech is the perfect school.
For Claire.
And Alex! Come on, we are talking about one of the best schools in the country.
And, yes, it happens to be Of course, we'll support her wherever she goes.
Obviously.
Nothing is more important to me than her academic whatever, but with Alex, the important thing is keeping her close for the next four years.
After that, I'm never gonna see her unless she Skypes me from Neptune, where she's living in a biodome she invented.
Awesome! That means Christmas on Neptune! Every other year? No.
No.
All right, everyone, gather 'round.
We'll be starting the tour in just a moment.
Okay.
I'm gonna peel off and hit the robotics lab to see how close they are to a working female.
Hold on.
They're not nearly as close as you'd hope, and you're not leaving my side.
But it's so boring.
It's like I'm being punished.
You are being punished.
That's what happens when your teacher calls to tell me you cut class.
I'm sorry.
I lost track of time making my movie.
Hummingbirdman -- a superhero whose heart can beat a thousand times a minute.
But can it love? Check it -- there's a lab on campus where they do experiments on you for 50 bucks.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I used to do a lot of these in college.
Sometimes it's questions.
Sometimes they hook stuff up to you.
Sometimes it's just palling around with a monkey, wondering why they're rewarding him and not you.
Well, that sounds great.
You should go do that.
I'll go.
I'm up for it as long as they don't shave anything.
Hey, I'd love the 50 bucks, but I'm pretty sure mom wants me here.
No, I don't.
You can go.
Oh, you can drop the act.
I know you guys forced me to come here so I can watch Alex and get all inspired by college again.
We really didn't.
Yeah, you just got in the car.
I only packed four sandwiches.
Happy anniversary, Jay! I don't love this tableau.
Is that Gloria's gift to me? What is it? I don't know.
Sure you do.
I can tell by the wrap job.
She can't make corners like this, Manny! Only because she's always in such a hurry.
Is life so busy you can't take 20 minutes to get out the straight-edge and wrap a gift anymore? Come on.
I'm a little anxious about my gift for her.
It would make me feel a lot better if I knew she phoned this one in.
Sorry, Jay.
Only time will tell.
Oh, God.
It's that black Panerai watch I wanted, isn't it?! Why can't you be this fast when I'm your charades partner? Hola, my loves! You didn't see me.
Keep her out of the garage.
What are we gonna do? I'm gonna talk to her.
I've been photographing her for years.
We have a relationship.
Really? What's she like? I mean a professional relationship.
Look, I'm gonna tell her -- her smile is forced, it's unnatural, and we're not going home until we get what we need.
Couple of things -- we are home, and that's mean.
What's your suggestion? We show her the photos and let her discover her weird smile on her own.
Okay.
That's good.
I video our football games so I can see what we're doing wrong.
That's how I figured out that powder-blue windbreaker washed me out so much.
Oh, thank God.
I'm sure the team appreciated that.
- Lily, sweetheart, will you come here for a second? - Yep.
Let's do this gently, okay? Hi, sweetheart.
Okay.
So, daddy and I thought that we would look at these photos together, the pictures that we've taken so far, and see if there's anything that we would do differently.
Like, okay, when I look at this photo, I think, "I could stand up straighter.
" - Yeah.
- Cam? Okay.
I think I could be a little less "Ryan Gosling" and a little more "every man.
" Lily, is there anything that you see in yourself that you would want to change here? Well, maybe we should just do one more? Really? Okay.
This might need a little powder.
Uh, Jay? Your wife's upstairs.
You don't have to hide in the garage anymore.
I'm not hiding.
Close the door, will you? How bad is the gift you bought her? I didn't buy her anything.
Bad idea.
I once gave her a bag full of hugs, and she definitely prefers stuff.
It's not hugs.
Does that sound like me? I made her something in my pottery class.
I can't believe you took a pottery class.
You're not the only one around here with an artsy side.
Yeah, I could've bought her another piece of jewelry, but I thought, you know, she might like this a little more, coming from the heart and all.
Well, show it to me.
What is it? What is it? It's a bunny.
It used to be my nickname for her.
On our first date, she had a cold, and she was sniffling a lot, and her nose would wrinkle up real cute -- you know, like a bunny.
That's so sweet.
Yeah, but that watch is big and gorgeous and costs big bucks.
I can't give her something handmade.
I mean, she -- She's not sensitive like you and me.
Listen to me.
I think you went to the jewelry store inside here, and you brought back a gem.
Knock it off.
You think so? She's gonna love it.
It's perfect.
Perfect? Nah.
But teacher Pablo did say it shows great promise.
And I am proud of the tail.
Look at that.
No, no, I said look.
Sorry.
And this building is home to one of our five Nobel laureates currently teaching here.
It also houses our high-current, high-stability particle accelerator.
Okay.
You need to calm down.
This is a college tour, not Oprah's favorite things.
I am just so impressed by this place.
Aren't you? Of course I am.
It's one of the most prestigious tech schools in the country.
But if you must know, I don't love everything about it.
What? Oh, the mascot's a beaver.
Don't worry.
Those jokes will get old.
No, they won't, because I'm not coming here.
Honestly, the only reason I took this tour today is so you won't accuse me of not giving it a fair shot.
Why wouldn't you want to go here? I can't believe you're making me say this It's too close to home.
I have to get away from you guys for a little bit, okay? All right.
We're gonna check out the dorms.
Parents, say goodbye to your children.
Okay.
I should go.
Mom, wait! Honey, it's okay.
We all say things that we don't mean sometimes.
Low blood sugar.
I need my sandwich.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
You can please wait here, and the experiment will begin shortly.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
What do you guys think this is gonna be? I bet they'll show us those ink blots that always look like two girls kissing.
A little tip from an old pro -- they can electrify cheese, so Hey, look at that.
"Do not push.
" What are you doing? Teaching this button a little something about free will.
Luke, it says, "do not push.
" Which just makes me want to push it more.
Haley, back me up.
Push it, don't push it.
I don't care.
Is this mirror weird? I look fuzzy.
Who puts up a button with a sign that says you can't push it? The same people who stack the deck so the monkey always wins Scientists! What are you talking about? We're not waiting for the experiment.
This is the experiment! They're watching us right now! Wait.
What? And - Okay.
Good.
- All right.
Let's take a look.
Oh! Beautiful.
Okay.
She looks like Pepper's pomeranian.
We have to say something.
What's going on? Why are we still doing this? Honey, daddy and I think you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And I'm seeing that here, okay? But I'm just not seeing it here.
What do you mean? Uh, well, uh Lily, you're doing a different smile today.
Different how? It's just a little stiff.
Is it ugly? It's not ugly.
No.
It's, uh -- it, um Cam Uh, well, s-sweetie, um, it's just not your normal smile, which is so beautiful.
You mean I'm not beautiful? No, that's not what we're saying.
Just forget it! I don't want to do this anymore! I'm an ugly monster, and I'm never coming out of my room again! Okay.
Well, that was a disaster.
Agreed.
But can I just say I love how melodramatic she's getting? So fantastic.
- The little - I know.
There she is.
Hi, mi amor.
Happy anniversary! Happy anniversary, honey.
I hope you like this.
What did you get me? What did you get me? It's a bunny, mom.
It's a little rough around the edges, but I'm just hoping you'll love what I put into it.
Oh, you put something inside?! I don't get it.
There's nothing inside.
Yeah, that's, uh 'Cause, um The damn stupid jeweler didn't put the bracelet in there.
The rose gold with the waves that I told you that I loved? Yeah.
Yeah, that's the one.
Jay.
No, it's fine, Manny.
I can run down to the store right now and get it.
Stupid jeweler! Ay, Jay, don't scream at him.
It was an honest mistake.
Yeah, in his heart, he was probably trying to do the right thing.
And past the Millikan library, you'll find the bridge annex, which is also the same site that Carl D.
Anderson discovered the? Neutron.
Anyone else? - Positron.
- Positron.
That's right.
In 1932 On August 2nd On the third floor.
Really? I-I don't know.
Maybe I just wanted to win.
I'm Jason.
Alex.
Is this your first-choice school? No, I'm thinking M.
I.
T.
.
That's weird.
I live just half an hour from there.
Which explains why you want to go here.
I live here, and I want to go somewhere on the East Coast.
Really? I'd love to be close to home.
Sunday dinners, laundry, make sure my brother doesn't mess with my hand-painted civil war miniatures Which I don't cherish.
So why not M.
I.
T.
? Well, for applied physics, this is the better program, and I'm not gonna make the biggest decision of my life based off where my parents live.
Okay, then.
Sorry.
Did that sound judgey? I'm not really good at talking to pretty girls.
I -- well, I have a touch of Asperger's.
No, I don't.
I just said that so you'd think I was interesting.
I was just sorta hoping you'd be going here.
Really? Did my mother put you up to this? Does your mom tell boys to flirt with you? Oh.
You're -- you're -- you're flirting with me.
I mean, I don't mean to sound so surprised.
A lot of boys flirt with me.
Not a lot.
Some.
Actually, one of them has Asperger's.
He could tell you the weather on the day you were born.
Okay.
Well, I don't know why I said that.
The point is, I am single, by my own choosing, so Oh, my God! I am fine! I'm fine! Everything's fine! I have to push it.
It's all I can think of.
Just let him push it.
Who cares? No one is touching this button! Don't you see? This is a test of character to see if we're the kind of people with self-control or the kind who just grab at any piece of cheese that's put in front of them.
Don't you want to know what it does? "Want to know what it does"? Of course I do.
It's killing me.
But what I want more is for you to learn to follow the rules.
Is this about me skipping class again? It's weird how obsessed you are with that.
Now let me push that button! No! If you can't even pass a simple test, how are you ever gonna get in to a good college? Or hold down a job? We only have one basement.
There's no place for you to move when your life bottoms out! Okay.
Dad, I cut that class because I had to get one last shot for my movie.
You would've done the same thing.
Oh, my God! You're not mad at me.
You're mad at yourself because I'm just like you.
Total shot in the dark.
You're right -- I set a terrible example for you.
No! It was awesome! Do you think Steve Jobs followed every rule? Doug Henning? Keep talking.
What about that guy who lived in that town where people weren't allowed to dance? Did Footloose follow the rules? His name was Ren, and he most certainly did not.
Maybe that's what those scientists are looking for -- Rebels! You know what? Who gives a hoot what those bastards want? No offense.
We're gonna break every rule, and we're pushing that button! Yeah! Back away from the button! What are you doing? I've been breaking the rules my entire life, and look where it's gotten me.
I live in my parents' basement! I'm sick of being a failure at everything! Oh, my God! You're not mad at us.
You're mad at yourself.
That's what I'm saying! Where were you? Consoling Jay.
That bunny wasn't the only thing you shattered, lady.
When you first started dating him, what was his nickname for you? Sexy pants.
The other one.
Bunny.
Oh, so that's why he put the bracelet inside the bunny.
There was no bracelet.
The bunny was the present.
That? He made it for you himself.
No.
In a pottery class he's been taking for weeks.
No! And you smashed it on the counter.
And he was too embarrassed to say anything.
No! I can't take it! Glue! Okay, give me glue! I need glue! Make it stop! Haley, put down the chair.
Why should I?! Because this is getting absurd, and it's no fun being laughed at by a room full of scientists and a monkey in a diaper.
Yeah! We need to push that button, show those eggheads that we're not sheep! No! Breaking the rules doesn't make you a hero! It makes you a screw-up! Take it from me, Luke -- one out of a million dropouts becomes Steve Jobs.
Do you know who become losers with no jobs? The other 99,000! Honey, you are not a loser.
Oh, please.
I hear the shots you all take at me.
I see my sister about to lap me at a college that I would never be able to get into.
Even someone as dumb as me can see that I'm a giant failure! Haley, stop, okay? Haley, let me tell you something -- you have value, talent, and potential that their tests can't measure.
Who cares if you don't fit into their little box.
You're finding your way.
That's what your 20s are for -- to take chances To -- to make mistakes and to learn from them, and you are learning from them.
The fact that you won't push this button proves that.
That was really sweet, dad.
I can't believe I was gonna hit you over the head with that chair.
Wait.
So now we're not pushing the button? No.
We're supporting Haley.
For the rest of your life.
That is not helpful.
We need to stick together.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's what this test is.
It's not about whether we push the button or don't push the button.
You want to find out if this unites us or divides us.
Let's join hands and send these sons of bitches and their filthy monkey a message! Feels good.
Wait a minute.
How are they gonna know we're sending them a message if we're not doing anything? That's true.
We have to hit that button.
Damn straight.
Yeah.
Who did that? We did as a family.
Did you not see the sign? Now the AC won't shut off.
We have to call a guy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is this what if, uh Yeah, building full of scientists and no one thought to push the button twice.
Please use number 2 pencils.
Yeah, just wall.
So this is the test.
I got that cleared up with the jeweler.
Boy, was he embarrassed.
What's that? Is that my bunny? No.
I am your bunny.
Jay, I don't want that bracelet anymore.
This is the most amazing gift you have ever given me.
Really? You--you--you like it? I love it.
And putting it back together made me realize how much work you put into it.
Well, it--it's all in the details, really.
The bunny was in the clay.
I just had to find it.
Now I'm going to give you yours.
I think it's about that time.
And this would be, um a bookmark made of movie tickets from the first movie we ever saw together.
I-I-I love it.
It's the kind of thing I'd never get for myself.
Ever.
This is what we should always do for each other-- thoughtful, handmade gifts.
We get too caught up in-- in material possessions.
Ah, we got too much stuff.
Return this first thing tomorrow.
Yeah, and I'm gonna return the watch that I bought you.
Dinner's ready! So, is that the rose gold bracelet that I wanted? Dynamite piece of jewelry.
And that watch-- is that the ceramic with the 10-day, uh, power reserve? Of course.
It's so sexy, that watch.
Yeah, the matte finish doesn't always catch the sun and blind you like this one.
It's so interesting, 'cause I love shiny things on my wrist.
Oh, for God sakes, just keep the stupid gifts.
Hello? Hey, it's me.
I think Cam and I made a huge mistake.
Oh, I get it.
Marriage is tough.
Just take a deep breath and go flirt with somebody at the grocery store.
No, about Lily.
We're trying to take this new family picture, and she's doing this weird smile thing And you said something? Uh, well, let's-- let's just say Cam did.
First of all, all kids go through this.
You should see every picture we have of Luke from third grade.
He looks like he's mid-sneeze, which is a shame, 'cause I was having a great boob year.
What did you do? I think it might've been the birth control I was taking, but No, come on.
About Luke! Oh! Nothing.
We didn't do anything.
Mitchell, I say this with love, but when you became a parent, I knew this was gonna be a problem for you 'cause you like to control everything.
Good lord.
What would that sound like without love? Bottom line-- It's all gonna work itself out.
But if you push her on it, she's just gonna push you away.
Oh, my God.
Thanks for coming, everybody.
As you know, our acceptance rate is 8%, so in the fall, I look forward to seeing one out of - 12.
5.
- 12.
5.
So not him.
Okay.
Well, I guess this is it, M.
I.
T.
.
Uh, when you visit Boston, look me up Darling.
Okay, sweetie.
Uh, t-that's my last name-- Jason Darling.
Oh, well, Alex Dunphy-- "P-H" not "F", "Y" not "E-E".
"D-U-N-P-H" Why am I still talking? All right.
Bye.
There you are.
Listen, honey, I am so sorry about pushing so hard earlier.
If anyone is able to make a smart decision about where to go to school, it's you.
Even if that school is all the way on the other side of the country.
Actually, there's a lot to like here.
Really?! That's cool.
Whatever.
I guess there's somebody around here she's not ready to say goodbye to.
He friended me! Okay, come on, we have something to show you.
Is it dinner, or is my mouth too ugly to put food in? Okay, no.
And please don't say things like that about yourself.
You picked one? We sure did, and we're sorry we made you feel bad.
We just weren't used to your new smile, but now we are, and we love it! Yes, it's beautiful, and you're beautiful, and we don't want to change a single thing about you.
Except maybe your underpants.
Okay, where did that laugh come from? I don't know, but it's gotta go.