Modern Family s06e03 Episode Script

The Cold

Yes, I am still sick.
Yes, I'm going to work on a Saturday.
No, this is not wine.
It is Dayquil.
With a little bit of last night's wine.
My stupid brother caught a cold in Mexico on his honeymoon, and it's made its way through the family.
I never get sick.
I-I must've caught a chill on the beach when my socks got wet.
My ankles burn.
It went to my ears on our flight home.
I may have moaned a bit.
A crying baby complained about me.
Cam brought me this from Mexico, along with two weeks of bronchitis.
I don't know which is worse.
It gave me the vertigo.
I was too dizzy for high heels.
I had to wear flats.
I don't know how people can walk in those things.
I missed the first two days of culinary camp, so I was hopelessly behind on all reductions and meringues.
You can imagine the nicknames.
I thought "amuse-douche" was particularly cruel.
I threw up for three straight days.
I don't know how models do it.
Knock 'em dead at the big meeting today, honey.
- Kiss for good luck? - Oh, no! I'm not getting you sick.
This cold stops with me.
Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night? You did? Appreciate the back rub.
Not sure I love being called "Miss Thang.
" No! Hey, everybody.
Hey, dad -- Noooo.
Mitch and Cam were stuck for a wedding videographer, so I hooked them up with a friend who shoots infomercials.
He kind of owed me.
I can see why you call them "miracle gloves.
" My headache's completely gone.
He dropped off the video for the big viewing party at Jay and Gloria's tonight, and I decided to preview it.
- What's wrong? - Watch.
I'm gonna keep it short 'cause I got a tee-time in 10 minutes.
Oh, God.
Kind of funny.
My dad died 25 years ago today.
Ew! Right on the cake.
I know.
Keep watching.
nice to replace that sad memory with this happy one.
Don't tell me Uncle Mitch drinks it.
Of course he does -- every drop.
May your first marriage be as good as my second.
To the grooms.
Wait a minute.
I take that back.
To my sons.
Why didn't you just cover your mouth? Oh, I finally did.
All right.
You know what this means? I'm patient zero.
What I thought were allergies started the cold that brought the whole family down! No one can ever know about this -- not after what happened in Yosemite.
The pink-eye apocalypse.
- Ooh! A mountain chickadee! - Where? Take a look and send it down the line.
- Where? - Where do you see it? - I want to see.
- Oh, right there! Right there! - Right there! - Yeah, yeah.
It took me a whole year to earn back the respect and admiration of my family.
Well But it's six hours to the screening, and I have to edit out all those sneezes without ruining Jay's speech.
That means special effects, that means overlapping green screen.
What am I saying?! It's impossible! I'm sorry, dad.
No, you're right.
It's time to stop whining like a little girl and man up! Let's put on our unitards! And Manny -- he's been missing a lot of kicks lately.
He could cost us a game.
I may have to bench him.
A coach has to do what's best for the team.
Does family loyalty mean nothing to you, Mitchell? Not to mention I'd be facing the wrath of Jay and Gloria.
Well, then you should play him.
And risk our perfect 3-0 record in my first year as the varsity football coach, when this could be a stepping-stone to a college job or who knows what else? You know, it's basically a Cinderella story.
Well, at least you have the outfit for it.
Are you gonna help me or not? I'm sorry.
Um Okay.
Well, maybe what you could do is -- You know what I could do is coach.
You know, Manny's just in a slump.
You know, he's lacking confidence.
It's not gonna be easy, but I could pull this off.
That's what you said about the Cinderella costume, and two hours later, we were calling the auto club.
We're going in the backyard.
To identify insects.
Oh, I love that.
I did that.
Sydney Barrow -- like my Lily, a gifted child, and, thanks to a little matchmaking, her new friend.
Yeah, i-it can be challenging finding playmates for an exceptional child.
I don't mean to brag, but that's why I didn't have any friends.
Yeah, Alan, I'm sending Claire to meet with you.
I got my kid's game.
Yeah, he's the kicker.
Could all come down to him.
Yeah, take it easy.
Don't talk like that.
You're stressing him out.
- You're stressed out? - A little.
Good! 'Cause stress is all part of football.
If you're not throwing up in your mouth, you're not doing it right.
Don't pay attention to Jay, papi.
You're gonna be great.
You're my perfect little angel boy.
Mwah! There's still a few hours left before game time.
I think I'll just go lie down under my bed for a little while.
You see what you do to him? He's fine.
Nerves are good.
Just before a playoff game one time, I pulled out a whole eyebrow.
Hey, Claire.
What's up? My fever, you orange jackass.
So, obviously, you have my cold now.
Everybody's first symptom seems to be hate.
Just pound the liquids, two days in bed.
You're gonna be fine.
I don't have two days.
As a matter of fact, - I have to go to a client meeting right now.
- Why? Because I have a job and people are counting on me.
Someone's counting on you.
This is about you and dad and how you just love being his toughy-tough little supergirl who never stays home sick, won a tennis tournament with a broken finger that she couldn't even hold up.
I'm holding it up now.
Daddy's approval is not the medicine that you need.
Why don't you just call him and tell him that you can't take the meeting, old toughy-tough-super-tough? Why are you trying to turn this into a fight? I called to yell at you for getting me sick.
Love you.
I love you, too.
Chicken, dog.
Oh, so close.
My turn.
Chicken, chicken.
Dog, dog.
Ibex, ibex! Oh, look at you go! For far too long, Lily's friends just haven't challenged her.
It's been this endless procession of paste-eating, toilet-missing shoe-losers.
But these two together -- They raise each other's game.
Ohhhhh! So good, Lily.
I can play, but I don't really sing.
That's okay.
Everybody can't be good at every-- Huh.
Daddy, where's my shoe? Okay, Manny, take a deep breath.
Picture it going through the uprights.
Keep it simple -- eyes on the ball, shoulders up, see your foot hit it, drive through the ball.
Finish at your target! Even simpler this time -- kick the ball with your foot.
Great contact on that last one.
This time, aim for the ball.
Okay, this time, like you mean it.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, Manny, look There's no easy way to tell you this.
Hola, Manny! But, um I, uh, really like the way you're keeping your uniform clean.
Color-safe bleach, Coach.
You'll be fine during the game.
Kick it like you kicked sugary drinks last summer.
So, I saw the practice.
Not very good.
I'm so glad you saw that, because -- he's getting all the bad kicks out of the way before the game! He's so good! Bravo, Manny! - Go get 'em, Coach.
- You too.
Oh, no.
I'd already had Cam's clogged ears, my dad's bronchitis, and then there it was, right on schedule -- Gloria's vertigo.
Even I have my limits.
Call dad.
Paul Rudd is an American film and television actor.
Shut up.
Call Dad! Hey, honey.
How you doing? I'm at the hotel, and I'm really fighting this cold.
Well, then, that cold doesn't stand a chance, huh? Nothing stops my little Supergirl.
- What's up? - Nothing.
I just I wanted you to know that I'm on this, dad.
I never doubted that, honey.
Where's the lounge? At the far end.
I remember your junior year, you played so tough through that tournament.
What was that? Uh Field hockey.
Right, and, uh, well, you sprained your ankle.
Could have been a hairline fracture.
That's even better.
But it didn't stop you.
You rolled right through it.
I was a pretty proud papa that day.
Okay, stop! All right.
I'm embarrassing her.
I'll see you tonight, honey.
- Hey, Claire.
- Hey.
- It's been ages.
- Yeah.
I hope you're hungry.
I got us a table at the Revolving Rooftop restaurant.
Oh, no.
Claire? Here I am right before the cake sneeze.
It looks like I'm cracking up, right? So from here, we'll jump to a green-screen shot of you laughing, too.
Then I'll take that and drop it into a pre-existing shot of a table full of people.
Easy! And we are laughing.
Like when I do Yoda walking into a spider web.
Nailed it! If laughter's the best medicine, then you're grape-flavored triaminic.
Okay, now I need some footage of me reacting to Jay's speech to replace the champagne sneeze, and I'll just drop that into another table full of people.
How would I react to Jay's speech? Give me "touched.
" Now sad.
Come on.
Dig deep.
Think about me going off to college.
Why are you smiling? Uh, I-I didn't think you'd get in.
I don't want to waste a Saturday night watching some video.
Let's just stay home and rent a movie.
Okay, two things -- a movie is a video, and the only reason you don't want to go to grandpa's is because you're avoiding Andy.
Avoid? I don't -- I -- I'm not having this conversation.
Oh, please.
You've been dodging him since the wedding.
You told me to stay away from him.
I just meant don't lead him on unless you really like him.
Yes, and you were right, so I've been keeping my distance to protect him.
Well, that's actually really mature of you.
With great hotness comes great responsibility.
There she is.
If Manny makes this one, we go ahead.
Lot of pressure.
I'll bet he's chewing on his own stomach acid right now.
Sorry to be so sentimental.
I just miss it.
Manny, kick this one hard! Aaaaaaaah! That's my boy! Actually, that's our boy.
Oh, that's our boy.
Moment of truth.
If you see even the tiniest problem, point it out.
My dad died 25 years ago today.
replace that sad memory That did not land quite the way I'd hoped.
Cam, Mitchell May your first marriage be as happy as my second.
To the grooms.
Wait a minute.
I take that back.
Oh, that's so bad.
To my sons.
All right.
Have a good time.
O Kay.
I have a few notes.
What am I gonna do? We have to show this thing in an hour! You know what you'd tell me? Show the real video and take your lumps.
I don't wanna.
That's what I would say.
And then you would tell me, "you might not want to do it, "but you have to do what's right.
"And that will make you go from patient zero to patient hero.
" Damn it, I've got a point.
How does someone so smart sneeze on so many things? Finished! Let's see.
I'm sorry, but did someone rob an art gallery? Because this is absolutely beau-- Done! Okay.
We should probably put your names on those so we can remember whose is whose.
Next activity.
Okay, Lily knows all the capitals.
- Dad! - It's all right, honey.
The first is Albany.
Then there's? Ohh! I thought you meant world capitals.
Algeria, Algiers.
Angola -- Oh.
Well, you're just a little know-it-all, aren't ya? Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I -- oh.
Sydney, forget that I said that, okay, honey? I can't! I have a photographic memory! You made my friend cry! No, I didn't mean to -- Oh, boy.
You did that on purpose! No, no.
I-I don't think I did.
Oh, gosh.
And there's your mother.
Sydney, sweetheart, we got to stop crying, okay? You're okay.
Now my watch is caught.
Ow! All right, little pull.
Little pull! - Aah! - It's fine! It's fine! Oh, it's fine.
It's fine.
- Hi! - Hi.
- We had so much fun.
- Oh, good.
Sydney, honey, are you crying? He ruined my picture and pulled my hair! Just little accidents.
And he called me a know-it-all! What kind of a person calls a 6-year-old a know-it-all? She's a year younger than you? Should I not have come? Oh, is it gonna be weird for Andy? I shouldn't have dressed so cute.
Hey, switch sweaters with me.
Just be yourself.
It's the surest way for him to get over you.
Okay, thanks.
- Hey, Uncle Cam.
- Hey.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm so glad you're here.
You got to talk to Lily.
- She's not speaking to me because -- - I have bigger problems.
I haven't even told you what mine is yet.
I benched Manny.
I'm worried Jay and Gloria are mad at me.
- Have they said anything? - No.
All I've gotten from them so far is "hola" and "that scotch is not for company.
" Ah! Oh, my gosh, Phil, is that the wedding video? Oh, we are so excited to see it.
I'm so excited to show you guys! Get in the media closet.
Cut every wire.
Dad, get ahold of yourself.
You're right.
I said, "you're right"! Sorry.
I already had it loaded up.
Everybody come to dinner.
Then we watch the wedding movie.
Hey, thank you guys so much for hosting.
And I hope there's no hard feelings about Manny.
You're the coach.
You can't play favorites.
I am so relieved to hear you say that.
No, no, no.
One of our chairs is broken.
I have a special seat for you.
Mitchell! She benched me.
No! You beat me again! Well, this is embarrassing for you.
Hey, stranger.
I let him win.
How you been? Oh, good, good.
Just busy.
I figured I'd say hi.
It's been a while.
I know, right? I've been busy, too, between this little guy and visiting my family back home.
I'm -- I'm really glad you came by.
I was afraid things got, like weird last time we saw each other.
Y-yeah, about that -- um, I rea-- Oh! I knew it.
I am such a goober sometimes.
I was just confused about Beth, and I thought you were sending me some signals, which is so stupid.
I hope I didn't, like, creep you out or something.
You shouldn't feel stupid.
You know, you were vulnerable, I was at a wedding, everybody was super-gay, and nobody was looking at me.
I probably did send you a signal.
I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.
Don't worry about it.
I'm just glad we didn't take it any further.
Because clearly, we are wrong for each other.
We are way better as friends.
Way! Like, imagine if we kissed or something.
- Ha! - That would've been a disaster.
A huge disaster.
You would've been destroyed.
Yeah -- what? Whoa, Joe.
What's with the snow on the roof? You're aging like a president.
Claire texted to start.
She's going to be a little late.
Well, that's crazy.
We should wait for her and watch the wedding video some other time.
No, no, no.
Let's eat.
I'm not very hungry.
I still have the taste of failure in my mouth.
Sit down.
This is a family dinner.
We all eat together.
Are there potatoes? I smell potatoes.
Here you go, sweetheart.
You eat it.
Lily, it wasn't that bad.
You still got my friend's hair in your watch! She's coming back.
What were you thinking with that playdate? I was feeling protective.
That girl made Lily feel bad.
Or did she make you feel bad? I didn't love it.
That happens with all first-time parents.
We think our kids are the best or the smartest.
For the longest time, that's how we felt about Haley.
"The longest time"? Really? You can't force your kids to live up to your unreal expectations.
They're not perfect, but you love them anyway.
Also applies to adults -- probably more so.
That is what I'm doing, isn't it? Jay does it all the time with Manny's football.
Look at him -- he's so upset of disappointing him that he won't eat today.
Let's keep in mind what's important here -- we're mad at Cam.
You have always been like this.
You put so much pressure into your kids that they fall into pieces.
I never put more pressure on my kids than they can handle.
Oh, don't be mad, dad.
I'm sorry.
I tried.
I really -- I tried.
Knock, knock.
Me again.
Hey, you.
So, uh, quick follow-up.
Um, when you said I would be destroyed if we had kissed, what exactly did you mean by that? Oh, gosh.
- I guess that is confusing, huh? - Yeah.
I just meant that you would've been emotionally ruined.
- What?! - Yeah.
I don't understand it myself, but there's a lot of heat coming off of this.
Girls do not get over this guy.
I'm not calling myself a drug, but -- I'm sorry.
Hasn't Beth broken up with you, like, 10 times? She's dying to get back with me, though.
I wouldn't say it's withdrawal, but -- For the record, guys don't get over me, okay? At last count, I have three stalkers.
One of them has my face spray-painted on his van.
I had to stand there forever while he did it! Okay.
I didn't mean to imply that if we kissed, it wouldn't affect me.
Are you kidding? You are so pretty and so out of my league.
It would've Rocked my world.
Okay, then.
It just would've hit you harder.
That's all.
Pritchett! Your bath awaits! Are you prepared for a bum-scrubbing today, sir? Ohhh, no.
I said something wrong, didn't I? No.
No, I'm just being stupid.
Um The point is is that, you know, we're good, right? You betcha.
Aw, come on.
Don't be so formal.
Come here, you.
Well I promised this little dude a bubble beard.
Come here.
Don't be a stranger, okay? Mm-hmm.
Honey, be a little selfish here.
You are not up for watching this video.
Why were you even out of the house like this? Because I'm your toughy-tough Supergirl.
Yes, you are, but that's no reason to risk you-- Away from the food! Can we catch this again? This is exactly what you do! To his own daughter.
Kind of puts me benching Manny in perspective.
Also, is there a sauce going around or Cam, you were right to bench me.
I stunk out there.
Vindicated! But not because of Jay.
- It's you, mom.
- What?! Tensions are running high.
I think we should all go home.
I've never worried about disappointing Jay.
He knows I'm terrible at sports.
Said it from day 1.
Only thing coordinated about this kid was his outfits.
The way you call me your perfect little angel boy and stuff, I just feel like I'm letting you down.
Ay, Manny, I'm so sorry.
You could never let me down, because you're my per-- You're okay.
I cued up the wedding video.
Oh! All by yourself? Let's watch it.
What do you say? - Okay.
- Let's go.
I'm nervous.
- Is this -- is this a good time? - Yes.
It feels like -- O-okay.
Just -- let's go now.
Come on.
F-full disclosure -- everybody may not look their best in this video.
It's good.
It's about time we all start seeing ourselves as who we really are, not who we're trying to be - or who other people want us to be.
- Right.
See, now, that is a very complicated machine.
- She is a genius.
- Not a good start.
Hit it, Lily.
This is gonna be good for you.
I don't like you right now.
- Oh, God.
Ooh! Is that -- is that my dancing? Is that what I look like? No, no.
Okay, that's really funny.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Fast forward.
Come on.
- Aww.
- Aww.
- Aww.
- Aww.
That's actually really sweet, Cam.
Is that my crying face? Oh, it's hideous! Why hasn't anyone told me?! Oh, God, I'm doing it right now, aren't I? Give me that.
Congratulations, Mitch and Cam! Oh.
Look at me in that dress! I look gorgeous! Give me rewind! Mom, look at you holding on to that bar.
You had vertigo there, too.
Yeah, I sure did.
You know, we don't have to linger on that.
Oh, mom! Hey, everybody.
I want to say something.
Um All that sweat.
What the hell?! I look like I had shamu in a headlock! I think I'm gonna throw up.
Yeah, you and me both.
I'm disgusting! No, no, no, no, no.
It's Haley's nausea.
Oh, God! I'm gonna keep it short.
Yeah, you will.
and no one told me to put my arm down! I have an idea, actually.
Why don't I re-edit the video and cut out the embarrassing parts? - Is that a problem? - Not at all! - That's great! - Done! Thank you so much.
I know you sneezed on the cake.
No one likes a know-it-all! Mitchell! Come to bed! Aren't you ever gonna sleep? No.
No, I don't think I am.