Mom s05e10 Episode Script

A Bear and a Bladder Infection

1 - Previously on Mom - I was thinking I could stay an extra night for the express purpose of taking you out.
I'd really like that.
Oh, great.
Are you kidding me? You can't go out with Adam's brother.
And yet I've got my good bra on and I'm headed out the door.
Yeah, but I actually have to get back home tomorrow.
I'm gonna miss you.
You think we should try the long-distance thing? I'm game.
But while I've got you here - - You ready for your coffee, babe? No, thanks.
Starting today, I am giving it up.
Seriously? Coffee is your only source of water.
When did water become such a big thing? Isn't it enough that I bathe in it? - Where did all this come from? - I read it on Facebook.
"Five Things You Should Give Up for a Happier Life.
" Was number one Facebook? Hey, how come you guys didn't wake me up for school? 'Cause you're not seven.
I wish I was.
I liked living alone.
- You want a bagel? - Thanks, but all I need is coffee.
How sad to be so dependent.
I remember those days.
She gave up coffee 30 seconds ago.
Good for you.
You're a dead man.
She's just kidding.
Help me.
Oh, damn.
I just missed another phone call from Patrick.
How does this happen? I was holding my phone in my hand.
Why do you hate love? Why don't you stop playing phone tag and just drive down to Santa Cruz to see him? When? We have totally opposite schedules.
Relationships are torture.
Like water-boarding with sex.
That's the sort of comment that used to bother me when I was under the thumb of the brown god.
This long-distance thing is just so frustrating.
I'm not sure Patrick and I can make it work.
For what it's worth, I hope you guys figure it out.
Oh, my God, I just missed his call again! How, how, how?! I'll see ya later.
Boy, I do not miss dating, you know what I mean? Take a sip of your coffee and kiss me.
Hey, Patrick, sorry I missed your call, yet again.
I dropped my phone in the fountain in front of the library.
I was making a wish.
Actually, I was wishing you would call me.
Ironic, right? Is it ironic? That's a word I should probably stay away from until I figure out what it really means.
Anyway, my phone still works, so hit me back, as the kids say.
Yikes.
Oh, by the way, this is Christy.
Who should've stopped at "Sorry I missed your call.
" Excuse me.
Don't I know you from that time we slept together? Hi, Cooper.
Sorry, I've been meaning to catch up with you.
Oh, now's your chance.
You mind if I sit? Kind of a bad time; I-I really got to study.
Got it.
I won't say a word.
Mm.
Mm.
"Bonjour.
You are the hottest girl in the student center.
" Cooper, seriously? It's not me.
He has a mind of his own.
"And I cannot get you off of it.
" Very funny.
"I am not trying to be funny, I am trying to be sexy.
Hon, hon, hon.
" By being lame? "Oh, that depends.
Is it working, Mon petit ketchup packet?" "That was fantastique.
" It worked; knock it off.
Hey.
Oh, geez, you scared me! I thought you gave up coffee.
My head is pounding, my colon's in gridlock, and I winged a butter plate at Adam, so I'm back on the bean.
Yeah, yeah, good for you.
I had sex with Cooper.
I'm sorry, what? I know.
I feel so guilty.
- Why? - Because I'm seeing someone.
Patrick? Oh, come on, you haven't even slept with him.
Believe me, I want to, but our genitals are never in the same Zip Code.
And that's not gonna change anytime soon, so you're free to do whatever you want.
It's like prison.
Nobody's married, nobody's gay.
Whoa, Mom.
You actually made me feel better.
Thank you.
You act like it's the first You're welcome.
Ugh, please don't tell Adam.
Why would I tell him you're cheating on his brother? He would see it that way.
I don't.
Keep hugging.
Ah You never know how much you love something until you give it up.
You realize you're talking to a table full of addicts? I don't see the connection.
So, Christy, I'm confused.
At your age, it's only gonna get worse.
Are you and Cooper dating again? No.
It was just a one-time thing.
Well, a two-time thing.
I swung by on the way over here.
Oh, look at you having it all.
If you get a bladder infection, I'm gonna be so proud.
So you like this boy.
No, I like Patrick.
I'm just having fun with Cooper.
Be careful, with your bladder and your heart.
I'm fine.
Guys do this stuff all the time.
Why can't I? Because you can't be intimate without getting attached.
Just 'cause I'm sober? No, because you're you.
I can do it, Bonnie can do it Can do it blindfolded, and have.
I'm doing it right now.
He's an anesthesiologist.
I feel nothing.
I'm sure he doesn't either.
- Where you headed? - Cooper's.
Dressed like that? That's the beauty of this thing.
It requires virtually no effort.
"You up?" And bam, it's on.
One time it auto-corrected to "Soup?" but it still happened.
Hey, where you off to? Uh to the store.
Not the close one, the one across town with the olive bar.
God, I love olives.
Anyway, I might be a while.
Would you mind picking up some coffee? Your mom's blowing through a bag a day.
- Sure.
- Well, as long as you're going to the store could you pick up some soup? Everybody loves a nice, hot, sexy bowl of soup.
Yeah, soup would be great.
Got it.
Coffee and soup.
She's the best.
My brother does not deserve her.
Aw, that's sweet.
You should've told her that before she left.
Oh, my God, it gets better every time.
Sure does.
- I got to go.
- Wait.
Wait.
Why are you always in such a hurry to leave? Well, I'm busy, you're busy.
Busy, busy, busy.
Yeah, but this is working, right? Works for me.
I'm free Tuesday at 5:00, as long as I'm back in my car by 20 after.
Christy, come on.
This isn't just hooking up anymore.
It isn't? No.
I am totally falling in love with you.
Yup.
Falling in love with you.
But you're a 24-year-old guy.
24-year-old guys don't fall in love.
My mom says I'm an old soul.
Well, I am a much older soul.
And I have a lot of baggage.
Lots and lots of baggage.
Then let me help you carry it.
Holy cow.
Cooper, look, I just don't have the same feelings for you.
Oh.
Well, now I'm a little embarrassed.
I booped your nose and everything.
I thought we were just gonna keep it casual, you know, having a good time.
- You mean just sex? - Exactly.
I assumed we were on the same page.
Well, we were not.
So, just to be clear, Tuesday at 5:00 not happening? Bonnie, Bonnie, wake up.
Bonnie.
It's sleepy time.
I'll throw you one in the morning.
Bonnie.
Bonnie.
Okay, fine, but it's not gonna be the Fourth of July.
- I don't want to have sex.
- Why not? What's wrong with me? I'm worried about Christy; she never came home from the store.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Well, she takes forever.
She walks down every aisle, she talks to people, then she has to find someone tall to get stuff off the top shelf.
It's a circus.
Why am I more worried about your kid than you are? God, now you sound like the lady from Child Services.
- What if she got in an accident? - I think you're overreacting.
I think you're under-reacting.
I'm gonna call the police.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Plunkett family rule number one: no cops, ever.
What is wrong with you? You know what? You're right.
I'm gonna text her.
Oh.
She actually texted me.
Uh, "Ran into Wendy.
She's having a crisis.
What else is new? Be home late.
" Huh.
Well, that made me horny.
How 'bout you? Oh, hey, you're still up.
Yeah.
How's Wendy? Wendy? Yeah, your mom said she was having a crisis.
Oh, yes.
Wendy's crisis.
So bad.
We ate your soup and drank your coffee.
Sorry to hear that.
What's wrong? Ugh, I can't really talk about it.
It's an A.
A.
thing.
It's a lady thing.
It's an A.
A.
lady thing.
Got it.
Well, glad you made it home safe.
I was a little worried.
Oh.
Thanks.
Night.
Night.
Oh, damn it.
Adam, I lied.
I wasn't with Wendy.
I was with a guy.
A guy? A guy who isn't your brother.
Oh.
Yeah, I've been seeing Patrick, but I've also been doing this other thing, and I guess I'm kind of embarrassed.
Okay.
Well, um, not proud of it, but there's a part of me that's kind of laughing at my brother right now.
Tempted to call him up and rub his nose in it.
You can't.
I won't.
I-I won't.
Good, 'cause I really like him.
I made a mess, didn't I? Like a dog after he ate a can of chili.
My dog did that once.
We had to burn the carpet I hope you don't think less of me.
Christy, your life is your life, but I got to tell you, all this, lying and sneaking around, it doesn't sound like you.
Sounds more like your mom.
Oh, my God, that's the worst thing you could say.
I'm sorry.
I just mean you're better than she is.
She knows.
I told her.
So who is this guy who's not my brother? Just someone from school.
It was supposed to be casual.
My attempt at being a dude.
But then he went and screwed it up by having feelings for me.
Hold on.
Did you set up the ground rules? No, I just assumed we were on the same page.
Ooh, rookie mistake.
Listen, if you're gonna act like a dude, you got to set up the rules.
You got to say things like "I'm not looking for a relationship, "I'm not built for a relationship, I'm not a relationship kind of guy," that type of nonsense.
Oh, you're right.
Guys do say that.
Guess I never really heard it because at that point I'm always thinking, "I can change you, I can change you, I can change you.
" When will women learn they can't change men? Says the man who put a ring on my mom's finger and now listens to Adele.
Son of a bitch.
Okay, how does this sound? "Dear Cooper " Bad.
It's a text, not a letter from camp.
Don't send anything.
But I need him to forgive me.
How many times have you apologized? Four teen.
Did you try an Edible Arrangement? She's apologizing for an "edible arrangement.
" I am wasted on all of you.
It's horrible.
I can't eat, can't sleep.
This is what I was worried about.
You developed feelings.
Oh, I get it.
"Edible.
" Cooper developed the stupid feelings.
I was the dude.
If you were really the dude, you wouldn't care.
You would ride off on your motorcycle and go shoot pool, maybe a bear.
I'm not even listening to her anymore.
Honey, you're just gonna have to live with the fact that there's somebody out there who doesn't like you.
"Doesn't like you"? He hates her guts.
And FYI, he's not alone.
I'm just saying that it's not fair for you to continue hurting him just to make yourself feel better.
She's so wise.
And yet she thought a purple velor tracksuit was a good idea.
Fine.
- I'll leave Cooper alone.
- Good.
Now, who else hates me? Greg at the Thursday night meeting.
- Who's Greg? - The guy you always call Scott.
Oh, my God, Scott hates me? Hi.
Oh, God, when do you graduate? Look, I know I already said I was sorry, but I just need you to know that I'm really, really sorry.
I just don't get it, Christy.
I mean, it would be one thing if there was another guy.
Ooh, there is! There's totally another guy.
Does that help? Not as much as I hoped.
What I mean is if I was able to actually see him, I wouldn't have needed you.
Oops, that came out a little harsh.
Everything you say comes out a little harsh.
I just mean that it's a long-distance thing, and I was frustrated because it was so complicated and you were so easy.
Your apology is making me want to kill myself.
- That's not what I want.
- Okay, then what do you want? I guess I want to be with the other guy.
Then go.
"Okay.
Well, perhaps you will take comfort "in the fact that I will die long before you.
Au revoir.
" Marjorie said moderation is key, so I'm just gonna have one cup of coffee a day.
I can live with that.
You must have been a fun drunk.
I had a small but fervent cult following.
Wow.
Christy's driving down to Santa Cruz to see Patrick.
She said she's either gonna make it work or get her heart broken.
I can't believe she's that crazy about my brother.
He's kind of a tool.
We are so lucky to have each other.
Yeah, we are.
And, hey, you don't ever have to worry about me cheating on you.
I wasn't, but go on.
I mean, juggling girlfriends, trying to remember which lie you told who, sneaking around.
Being with you is so much less trouble.
Look at you, writing your vows already.
No, no, you know what I meant.
I do.
And you know if you ever did cheat on me, I would take the wheels off your chair and leave you in the woods.
I do.
It's just kind of wonderful that Christy's racing down the highway, wind in her hair, all in the name of love.
I'm so excited And I just can't hide it I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I want you, I want you.