Mom s05e11 Episode Script

Sex Fog and a Mild-to-Moderate Panic Attack

1 Previously on Mom Santa Cruz is only a three hour and 12 minute drive.
Do you think we should try the long-distance thing? I'm game.
Don't I know you from that time we slept together? It's kind of a bad time.
I-I really got to study.
- (PANTING) - (SIGHS) This isn't just hooking up anymore.
Cooper, look I just don't have the same feelings for you.
I just don't get it, Christy.
I mean, it would be one thing if there was another guy.
Oh! There is.
There's totally another guy.
I guess I want to be with the other guy.
Wow, Christy's driving down to Santa Cruz to see Patrick.
I'm so excited And I just can't hide it I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I want you I want you.
- - Come on, Bonnie! This wedding starts at 3:00.
You ready? Unfortunately, yes.
- Wow.
You look - I know.
"Ho, ho, ho, Green Giant.
" How'd you get roped into this? I made the mistake of being nice.
Judy's in our meeting.
One time I told her to hang in there.
Next thing I know, I'm her emergency contact and a bridesmaid.
Wait a minute.
I put on a tie for a woman you barely know? You wanna trade? How did Christy get out of this? Judy hates her.
They shared the coffee commitment once, and it almost led to a fistfight.
Stupid Marjorie broke it up.
Have you seen my pearl earrings? I've never noticed earrings in my entire life.
Except for the guy at my Starbucks.
He's got, like, a piece of driftwood in there.
I can't (RINGTONE PLAYING) Hey, Mom.
Hi.
Do you know where my pearl earrings are? No idea.
And again, they're not pearls.
They're just white plastic beads.
Yeah, well, now I have no earrings to wear to the wedding.
I've seen that dress.
You don't need earrings.
You need a rim of salt around your head.
How's it going with Patrick? It's not.
I've been stuck in traffic for hours.
I'm close to peeing in my Big Gulp.
If you do, make sure you dump it out the window.
I had a bad experience once.
After all this, I just hope he's home when I get there.
You didn't call first? No! You don't call ahead when you're about to make a big romantic gesture.
Have you never seen a Sandra Bullock movie? Not willingly, no.
(SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY) You don't call before you run to the airport to stop the plane, or bang on the church window, or go back in time to make sure your parents kiss.
You just do it.
Mom? Did I lose you? Damn it.
If you're there, I can't hear you.
Mom? I'm pretending I can't hear her.
It drives her crazy.
Mom? Mom! Mom?! Mom?! Oh, my God, he isn't here? Oh, my God, what have I done? - (ZIPPER UNDOING) - (SIGHS) Oh, Lucy.
Lucy girl.
Christy? - Hi.
- (LAUGHS) Hi.
Uh what are you doing? Making a big romantic gesture.
On my roses? (LAUGHS) Patrick, I want to be with you.
Well, I want to be with you, too.
- Great.
- I'll tell you what.
Um, when you're done, come on inside.
We'll have a little snack, and we'll erase the security video together.
(DOG BARKING) I don't think your dog likes me.
Well, you are on her spot.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, Lucy.
Come on.
Have you looked at this schedule? The service is an hour and a half.
It's a full Mass with Communion, a "Blessing of the People.
" What the hell is that? It's when I whisper "Hall, Satan" under my breath.
This is gonna be torture.
Oh, relax.
We'll just make out in the back row.
Sweetheart, you're in the ceremony.
Didn't you go to the rehearsal? Rehearsal? I'm not hosting SNL.
Hey, when we finally do this, I say we knock it out at City Hall, grab some Chinese, and we're on a plane to Hawaii by sundown.
See, that is why I am marrying you.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Some day.
Aw, geez, after the ceremony, there's a 45-minute drive to the reception? This better be an open bar.
Yeah, about that Hmm, it's a dry wedding.
No alcohol? Why didn't you tell me? Same reason you don't tell a baby he's about to be circumcised.
(MOANING SOFTLY) Does she always do that? Uh, well, it's been a long time since she's seen me kissing anyone but her.
I have been waiting so long to do this with you.
And by "this" I mean more than this.
like a naked version of this.
Ooh, that sounds fun.
Maybe without Big Eyes.
Lucy, squirrel in the back of the house! There's no squirrels.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
I can't go back any farther.
There's, like, nine pillows behind me.
Uh, yeah, well, uh, my ex-wife is a decorator, and she's really into throw pillows.
And art and furniture.
Pretty much everything in the house that's not me.
Mmm.
So, what you're saying is your ex-wife is kind of everywhere.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
I never really thought about that.
It's just that it's our first time, and I want it - to be perfect.
- You know what? I got a surprise for you now.
How about you and me find a really nice hotel room? Oh, my God, hotel sex? That's the best kind of sex there is.
I know.
Such a beautiful service.
So moving.
- I'll see you at the reception.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) Oh, my God, that was endless.
The standing up, the sitting down.
That guy walking around throwing smoke at people.
And if I have to wait in line for a cracker, would it kill 'em to spray a little cheese on it? I don't know.
I thought the children's choir was kind of nice.
Really? 'Cause I was hoping a bigger choir would come and beat 'em up.
Come on.
They were singing about love in Italian.
Oh, they could have been singing about linguine.
You don't know.
Are your eyes red? Please tell me you weren't crying.
No.
Just the whole thing got to me a little more than I thought it would.
When they took their two little candles and lit the one big candle.
They're the one big candle now.
Sorry, I didn't notice.
At that point, I was trying to slice my Spanx open with a nail clipper.
Hey, would it be so terrible if we did the candle thing at our wedding? - Maybe we even get married in a church.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened to City Hall, Chinese food, Hawaii? I don't know.
Maybe we should do something more traditional.
The only reason I am not driving head-on into traffic is I don't want to die in this dress.
So this room's working for ya.
Oh, yeah.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (WOMAN MOANS LOUDLY) Was that you? Not yet.
(CHUCKLES) (MAN MOANING) Oh, God, yes.
- Still not me.
- (RHYTHMIC THUDDING) You know what? I think we've got some neighbors.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) - Why don't we try to tune 'em out? (THUDDING CONTINUES, BED SQUEAKING RHYTHMICALLY) (WOMAN MOANING) Oh! (MAN MOANING) (WOMAN MOANS) (RHYTHMIC THUDDING STOPS) (LAUGHS SOFTLY) (RAPID THUDDING) (MAN MOANS) Well, that guy has a gear I don't have.
(RHYTHMIC THUDDING CONTINUES) - I'm really sorry.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I get it.
I get it.
That second girl got pretty loud.
So where to now? Well, I'm gonna take us to my favorite beach.
It's really secluded and very romantic.
Oh.
The beach.
I think you mean, "Oh, the beach!" No, I-I love the beach.
- I just don't love the beach naked.
- Ah.
Women are kind of like English muffins.
We have a lot of nooks and crannies.
What's going on? (SIGHS) Well, Christy, um I just got to ask.
Are you having second thoughts about this? - What? No.
- No, no, no.
It-it's okay, because i-if you're not feeling right about it, then we can wait.
No, I don't want to wait.
I just want to look back on tonight and be like, "aw," not "Meh.
" Well, nobody's looking for "Meh.
" It's just that if the first time isn't great, then the next time you're worried it won't be good again, and then you're all messed up in your head, and then the pressure's really on.
I never thought of it that way.
But I am now.
You know what? I'm being ridiculous.
Of course it's gonna be perfect, because it's you and me.
Yeah.
You know what? Let's do it right here, right now.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Ha.
Boy, you're-you're you're putting a lot of pressure on the next six minutes.
Let's take this party to the back.
- Woo-hoo! (GRUNTS) - Phew.
(GRUNTS) You got to be back here for the party.
Yes, I know how sex works.
(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) - Are you all right? - (GASPS QUIETLY) Well, I was until you started talking about all that stuff.
How could it be perfect? I've never been perfect.
I've been very good at best.
- It's okay, Patrick.
- No, it's not okay.
It's not.
I-I I can't breathe.
I-I need some air.
(EXHALES) I changed my mind! I'd be perfectly happy with "Meh.
" How you feeling, Patrick? Ah, pretty embarrassed, Christy.
Can I come over and visit? Okay.
(SUV DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) This is my fault.
I made tonight into a way bigger deal - than it needed to be.
- No.
I-It's not you.
It's not you.
Look, I was married for 30 years and the last five, we didn't touch each other.
And all that talk about being perfect triggered what WebMD diagnosed as a mild-to-moderate panic attack.
That's not sexy.
I think you're very sexy.
(CHUCKLES QUIETLY) So, you're still interested in a middle-aged neurotic with only one-and-a-half notches on his belt? Very interested.
(SIGHS) How 'bout this? Uh we go back to your place, go to sleep and I mean actual sleep and start fresh in the morning.
I love that idea.
So I'm curious what counts as half a notch? I'm holding firm on my stance.
You're not supposed to take that.
They ran out of centerpieces.
And and I deserve a takeaway for the pain and suffering of this dress.
Pretty sure that's hotel property.
No, they expect you to take 'em.
It's like robes and televisions.
How amazing was that reception? What was so great about it? Did you not see the mountain of gifts? They wiped out Pottery Barn.
Now it's just a barn.
You really think they need all that junk? Of course not.
They're at the store tomorrow, returning all that stuff for cold, hard cash.
And how 'bout the dollar dance? You pin money on the bride to dance with her? What genius came up with that idea? Probably the first stripper to get married.
Well, I am definitely doing that at our wedding.
And I'll make more money, because I've six feet of pinnable area.
You're incredible.
Oh, (SNAPS FINGERS) you know what else we could do? Corporate sponsors.
"Do you, Bonnie, take Adam to be your husband?" "I sure do, especially after driving here on Firestone tires.
" Honey, our wedding could be a real cash cow.
Wow.
I tell you how moved I was by this beautiful ceremony, and you crap all over it.
And then you see a pile of toaster ovens and a woman with 20s taped to her ass, and you can't get enough.
Oh, so you're allowed to change your mind about what kind of wedding you want, but I'm not? It's bigger than our wedding, Bonnie.
It's about what we want in life.
I want a fiancé who's not a Catholic schoolgirl.
Oh.
Oh.
- Good morning.
- Ooh, oh.
Lucy, off.
Oh.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's-it's okay.
No, it's not okay.
She's on the boys.
Lucy, off.
Come on.
Come on.
Attagirl.
(GROANS) - (CHUCKLES) - Phew.
Hey.
How'd you sleep? - Ah.
- Huh.
Great.
You? Excellent.
I think we got this part of the relationship down.
- Yes, we have nailed sleeping.
- All right.
Well, you know what? (GRUNTS) That settles it then.
We'll be one of those weird couples who sleeps in the same room and never has sex.
Ah, like Bert and Ernie.
Oh, those guys are totally doing it.
- Well, then, maybe we should.
- Mmm.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, boy, so glad we didn't give up on this.
Me, too.
I mean, the-the long-distance thing could have been a lot for other people.
But, you know I mean, we could've just started seeing someone else.
Really happy we didn't.
We didn't, right? Well Why on Earth would you tell Patrick you slept with another guy right before you were about to sleep with Patrick? It just came up.
- How? - I brought it up.
Cold SpaghettiOs? That says self-loathing.
Yeah, and I'm using the spoon that snags your lip.
Ow.
I deserve that.
So why did you tell him? I didn't want to start the relationship off with a lie.
That's fine, but you got to bang their brains out first.
Then you can be honest.
I do it with Adam all the time.
It's the main reason we have sex.
Oh, it is not.
You and Adam are great together.
I'd give anything for what you have.
Not today.
We had a huge fight.
All of a sudden he wants a traditional church wedding.
Doesn't he know that if you walk into a church wearing white, you'll burst into flames? Thank you.
Mom? Adam? Are you somewhere in here having sex? Boy, I hope not.
Patrick.
(CHUCKLES QUIETLY) This is for me? Well, you're not the only one who can make a big romantic gesture.
Slow ride - Take it easy - Sorry, uh, wrong song! Ha, I-I work out to that.
Okay.
That's supposed to be Seal.
- And, uh, oh, sorry.
- (MUSIC STOPS) Oh, I-I-I can't find it.
Uh, look-look, j-just try to imagine "Kiss From a Rose" playing in the back I love that you did all this.
I'm-I'm so sorry I overreacted.
You easily could have lied and I - never would have known.
Uh - I forgive you.
Bedroom's this way.
- Oh, damn it.
- What? I forgot condoms.
Oh, I got a ton of 'em.
Don't think about it.
Just get up here.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY) (MAKES APPROACHING NOISES) Hey.
Thanks for coming over.
I don't like the way we left things the other day.
(LAUGHING) Wow, Bonnie.
You didn't have to do all this.
Oh, no, I uh Yes, yes, I did.
I absolutely did.
Because I love you.
I love you, too.
Mmm.
Look, I don't want to fight about wedding stuff.
I don't either.
Let's just kick the can down the road.
Or, I've been thinking, why don't we throw out the can altogether? What does that mean? Let's just keep things the way they are and stay engaged forever.
But I want to marry you.
(LAUGHS) Well, I asked you six months ago and you won't set a date.
You know, clearly, you don't want to be the big candle.
I do.
I do want to be the big candle.
Let's just be happy with what we have.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) No.
Next year.
- First weekend in June.
Done.
- Bonnie, - We're doing it.
I just did it.
- Bonnie.
Bonnie, we don't Deal with it.
Order the doves.
- Look.
Watch this.
- Esp I'm gonna put it in the calendar.
Adam Barnabas Janikowski, did I just get played? Still not my middle name.
And that depends.
Should I open this card that's sitting in "my" flowers? - June it is.
- Sure.